MAIN SECTIONS
MAIN SECTIONS
Stories About Poop Intellectual Crap Consumer Reports Fun with Feces Poop at the Office Techniques Travel Logs The Captain's Log Academic Poop Home  
RESOURCES The PoopReport Gift Pack Poop Culture: The Book The PoopReport Store The Skatole Shirt PoopReport FAQ Best Of PoopReport Press Room Advertise! PoopReport on Myspace PoopReport on Facebook NEWS AND ADVICE The BM News Wire Ask PoopReport Ask a Poodiatrist Eternal Debates FEATURES Special Reports Movie Poop Archive Toilet Paper Survey Pooetry Comics Poop Contests MOVEMENTS I Poop and I Vote!  Shameless Shitting Poop For Peace The Summer Stoolstice DISCUSSIONS Shit Of My Career Childbirth Poop Book Of The Shameless First Memory of Poop More... REPORT POOP Poop Forums PoopReport Chat Submit 
NavigationPoop Comics Our BuddiesLower left rotating ad most recent poll -- formattedPoop at the Movies |
 Mind The GapPosted 04.28.2006 by wipeitclean (21)
I sat there in the war trench known as my bathroom, the bitter smell of a recently-lost war of mental power versus the intestines still in the air. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and couldn't believe what had happened in just ten minutes.
Ten minutes ago I left a social gathering. I wouldn't call it a party. It was a weekend get-together of fellow co-workers for a BBQ. A guy named Bob was hosting. You know the type of after-business party -- big words, conversations about things you really don't care about, and, worse, eating things you probably shouldn't. I'm a vegetarian; been so for a few years. This party catered to both meat eaters and veggies like myself. Lots of stuff to eat and I certainly made full use of what was in front of me. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I could feel the presence of the almighty BM. Not a Shameful Shitter, but my house was only ten minutes away; might as well do the job there. Two minutes into the car ride and I knew this wasn't a pleasant read-a-magazine-while-you-crap moment coming on. Felt like fifty men had cut down a California Redwood, put a spike on the end, and were using it as a ram, ramming it into my poor sphincter muscle. It was clenched tight, but some little guy sitting on the top of that Redwood kept yelling, "Ram it again!" Boom! Sweat formed across my brow. Every time I would push the clutch down to shift gears, them damn militiamen would take their chance and ram the mighty butt gate. I actually howled out in agony. It was such an urgent feeling that I started to look for a rest stop right there and then. Nothing! No real shops or gas stations were on the road to my house. Damn! I got tunnel vision; my only mission in my life right then was to get home. I was like a cheap hooker looking for cheap booze -- the rest of the worries of the day or my life or anything didn't matter one little bit. As I neared my house, the urgency was unbelievable. Felt like a balloon was inflating in my belly. I didn't even dare to sneak out some gas. The militiamen had given up the ram idea and turned to fire instead. "Burn it down, men!" Felt like battery acid was floating down there. The final stoplight between me and my house brought me to a swift stop. This is a pointless stoplight. The road is not busy. I'm the only one sitting there waiting for the damn thing. Sweaty hands on the steering wheel, almost slippery. Cuss words making it through clenched teeth. Foot holding the clutch in, which actually helped a bit for some more leverage to keep things closed up. It's a long, long light. I was having visions of people around me sitting on toilets, pointing and laughing. No cars around. I decided: screw it, I'm running it. Look both ways and drove through the red light. This is a matter of crap or die! Pulled in the driveway, got out of the car. Did one of those John Wayne walks to the door. The militiamen were getting excited -- they could smell victory. They doubled their efforts. I got in the back door. My little dog was overly happy I was home. Jumping up and down, she wanted attention. "Look out!" I told her. "Live bomb!" Even she could notice the urgency of the moment and quickly calmed down, giving me a curious look as I struggled toward the bathroom. There it is. My oasis. My knight in shining porcelain that will save me from this horrid moment. As I did my shuffle towards it, I noticed the toilet paper holder was empty! Quick footwork and I was in my bedroom grabbing a box of Kleenex. Yes, I was desperate, but I could tell this was going to be a clean-up equal in scope to the Exxon oil spill in Alaska. Right in the moment of getting the box, it happened. The expression that crossed my face was probably similar to when I found out what a menstrual cycle was. The militiamen's endless assault on the poo gate was a success. First time in my life of twenty-five years, I shit myself. I was quickly able to pinch it back off, but I could feel some liquid creeping down my leg. I stood there a moment, just shocked. I lost the war! I just shit myself! Gross! I quickly went in the bathroom and found my heaven of relief. The instant the cheeks graced the seat, it went off like time bomb. It sounded like one of those water cannons going off, shooting straight down into the toilet. Next came gargling noises from way down inside. A sound similar to a water cooler bubbling after you just filled up a cup. The quantity, the smell, the short time window of how long it took to empty out was just simply amazing. Took fifteen seconds. I was done, nothing left inside. I was in total bliss and a bit sore. The bathroom was a mess. The force when it came out had splashed nature's forbidden brown goo from between the toilet bowl and seat in all directions. Yes, it came out with that much force. Though the toilet is from the 1960s, it probably has never seen a hurricane of poo like that in all its life. It was inhuman, almost. I had to wash off the shower curtain. Everything was washed, actually, including the bathroom rug. Kleenex box wasn't needed, as I just simply jumped in the shower after. What would have I done if I were at Bob's when this happened? His recently remodeled bathroom would have had a new paint job that I don't think he would have approved of. Never before have I had such an issue with controlling this natural body function. Hopefully never again. Whatever I ate at that party made a quick exit that I won't soon forget. I figured I must have eaten something that had meat in it. I bought a new toilet seat -- one that rests much closer to the rim. Post new comment
|
Ad 1
Ad 2
Text Ads
Recent comments
Who's onlineThere are currently 0 users and 1083 guests online.
Thong ad Highest Users
Browse content by author View some statistics Learn more about userpoints |
