My Squatting Experiment.

m 1+ points - Newb

When I was 17, I had a relationship with a much older man who happened to be a Pakistani Muslim. While I live in Scotland, he lived in England, and I used to take a ten-hour bus journey to visit him once a month or so. (I say he was a Muslim, but he certainly wasn't a very devout one; although he went to the mosque and ate only halal meat, he would drink alcohol and smoke hash with me on a regular basis.)

Like many Muslims, Umar had a bit of a toilet phobia, and refused point blank to sit on the seat. Rather than hover or use an ass gasket, he would climb up onto the toilet, with his feet on the seat, facing the tank. This meant that he left rather nasty skid marks on the front of the toilet whenever he had a shit. He was a manky bastard and always left his mess for me to clean up, believing this was my job as his "wife." (We weren't married, but he always called me his wife for some reason.) He also refused to use toilet paper, preferring to keep a jug of water beside the loo, which he would pour down his ass crack to clean himself.

Anyway, I am a curious sort of person and not afraid to experiment, so one day when I felt the urge I locked the bathroom door, slid out of my jeans, and positioned myself on the toilet in the same way that he did. Unfortunately I'm not used to squatting, and my thigh muscles cried out in pain; however, I was determined to give this a try, since I had heard that squatting was in fact the most natural way to shit. So I squatted there, reaching out to the wall with one hand in an attempt to maintain my balance, and let nature take its course.

By this point, sadly, my thigh muscles were just about ready to give out, and the shit was already half way out of my ass when the inevitable happened: I was trying to shift myself in order to relieve the pain in my legs when the toilet seat slid to the side. I lost my balance and fell backwards off of the toilet, banging my head hard off the bathroom door, and knocking myself out. I couldn't have been out for more than half a minute, but when I came round I was lying on my back with a six-inch turd between my legs and an egg-sized lump on the back of my head.

That's the last time I ever tried that little experiment.

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7 Comments on "My Squatting Experiment."

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hilarious, though painful at the time. If, against your better judgment, you decide to try it again, put the seat up and squat on the rim. Do have something reliable to hold on to, though, or your feet could slip. Also, be pretty sure your b.m. will be solid and likely to come out slowly; if it's diarrhea or otherwise comes out too quickly, it will end up on the floor in front of the toilet. You don't have carpeting in the bathroom, do you?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear ScottishGirl, I laughed at your misadventure but felt pity for you also, a clear cut case of schadenfreude. In the words of one of your revered countrymen;

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ScottishGirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

MSG - luckily the bathroom floor was linoleum, or it could have been a bit messy! And thank goodness it was a solid movement.

Chief, I couldn't have said it better myself, Burns has it in a nutshell!

I don't think I'll be trying that again!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

You could have tested squatting with queefs....oh, that's from the front end...never mind.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

It's much easier to use a folding step stool--you get all the benefits of squatting without all the pain.

Just put it right in front of the bowl, put your feet up on the step, lean forward on your own lap and let the poo flow.

More comes out, and more easily, and the cleanup is usually much nicer as well.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points

You might consider practicing with a few holes in the backyard first.

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

Anonymous's picture

That's a pretty common attitude from certain people that are muslim. I was laughing about this story not because of what happen to you which isn't funny at all, but because I had worked overseas in Iraq and a lot of our Nepalese and Indian workers had to be instructed over and over to use the bathroom correctly. They would damage all kinds of stuff in a stall and then the Iraqis...OMG, I don't know about those guys..they really liked to tear things up in a western style setup. Disgusting.

This other place nails the whole issue between east and west on difference between pooping. Pretty funny

For me, its not about defining who or what is better. In fact, that I think is the biggest problem we have in the world but anyway for me its all about acceptance wherever you are at in whatever culture your dealing with. When in Rome do as the Romans do as long as no one is being abused and your rights are not being infringed upon.

Too bad your friend doesn't think this way and made you clean his poop and you let him do that to you!! yaauck!! hahahah

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