My Brother's Keeper

Posted 08.31.2007 by Reverend Stix (12)

When I was thirteen years old, my mother took us on a road trip from New Mexico to Illinois. It was Christmas vacation and we were braving the open road. My younger brother, then ten, shared the small space of our Mitsubishi Mirage as we sped past countless mile-posts. But tragedy struck on the first night of our journey: because, having eaten soda pop, candy, and cheese-injected burgers from Jack in the Box, our bowels were ticking time bombs.

The first signs of danger occurred at the worst possible time. We were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, inching along at a snail's pace. Snow fell lightly across the open plains, illuminating the night sky as a lovely shade of pink. Miserable faces surrounded us as travelers slowly crawled down the interstate. Suddenly my nose hairs began to twitch and curl as an unpleasant odor made its way from the back seat, followed by a sad little groan: "My stomach hurts, Mom!"

I looked back and saw that my brother was sweating, his face gone pale. He clutched his guts.

"Uhhgg!" Pinching my nostrils, I cracked the window. "Gross, man!" An audible fart was then ripped, sounding hot and deep.

My brother then let it be known what we already knew. "I gotta poop! I gotta poop, Mom!"

My mother knew that pulling over was impossible. There was no shelter -- the open plains would reveal her son to all the passersby. This was a serious emergency. My brother was seconds away from crapping himself, and I had to act quickly.

I reached between my feet and grabbed the small red Coleman cooler -- barely big enough to fit a six-pack of soda -- and dumped the contents onto the floorboards. My brother needed no convincing. Grabbing the cooler and simultaneously dropping his pants, he found immediate relief. With a sound like clam chowder spilling onto linoleum, painful groans and heavy sighs of mixed ecstasy were heard. The stench was incredible. Hot mustard gas, rotten eggs, and wet farts made our eyes water. The windows went down as we gasped for fresh air.

The sound, the stench, and the virtual absurdity of the situation sent us all into hysterics. Laughing like mad hatters and holding our heads out the windows, tears were welling in our eyes. Those traveling around us were both amused and mortified.

Finally rolling into the next small Texan town, the main strip was lined with hotels and motels as far as the eye could see. Escaping the confines of our poop mobile was no easy task -- each decent-looking lodging carried a "no vacancy" sign glowing bright outside.

As we walked out of one such particular hotel, we decided to dump the dump. We placed the cooler in the snow outside and then checked into some small, rundown establishment down the road. I feel sorry for the poor sap that came across the red Coleman cooler in the snow -- or worse, after the thaw.

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Fudgepump (366) -- 08.31.2007

That's great,Rev. The image of all of you laughing hysterically had me smiling as I read. Thank god for that cooler - the Mirage may never have been the same w/o it.
One question, though..."pulling over was impossible"? Damn, man, any port in a (bowel)storm, I'd say - cover or no cover. Hit the shoulder of the road and set your bro' and his colon free. But, all worked out well save for the cooler, so no harm done (and a good laugh had by all). Nice story.

The Thunderous ... (710) -- 08.31.2007

Hot mustard gas and rotten eggs. What a recipe for a very wicked dump. That poor sap who decided to open that Coleman cooler will get a nice brown surprise. That was a great story!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

doniker (1534) -- 08.31.2007

This story made me laugh out loud.

I could picture (and smell) the situation in my head.

Thunderbox (884) -- 08.31.2007

Wonder what he wiped with, there must have been some heavy duty splashback from that little coolbox.

stainer (6) -- 08.31.2007

Nice. I've had to pee while stuck in a traffic jam, but never crap. Usually I go in a bottle and then empty the bottle out the window once traffic starts flowing again, much to the displeasure of the poor driver behind me. Windshield wipers usualy run for about 3 minutes after that behind me.

Hamster (581) -- 08.31.2007

Yes, great story Rev - another good visual one - and quick thinking on your part! And I'd love to have seen the face of whoever discovered the evidence later!!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.31.2007

WoW, Doniker must have taken a "nice pill" today! Let me mark my calendar.

Jerry (not verified) -- 08.31.2007

This brings back memories! I was about 18 or 19 - my buddy from high school & I were driving home after a long day at the beach...we just had our bathing suits on in my car - T-shirts thrown in the back seat. We were stuck in traffic on a 3 lane highway - pouring rain outside from a thunderstorm and after dark. My buddy announces he has a MAJOR dump ready that's not gonna hold much longer...no exits coming up either...finally, he reached in the back - grabbed his T-shirt - pulled his bathing suit down - held the shirt under him & unloaded into it right in the front seat beside me...folded it over & put it on the floor - we were off at the next exit to dump it in a trash can!!

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.31.2007

Funny story Rev.
I would have picked that option too.
Producing waste since 1967

daphne (3668) -- 08.31.2007

I was fairly notorious for throwing up in the backseat of the car during trips to Cedar Point, Conneaut Lake, and to New York when I was very young. There were a few times I remember wondering why I still had to sit in the back seat when it made me so sick.

Car trips can be so hard on kids. Thank goodness you guys were so incredibly cool about your little brother having to take a crap in the family drink cooler. It would have been great to have a brother like you!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Corn In His Shit (8) -- 08.31.2007

"With a sound like clam chowder spilling onto linoleum, painful groans and heavy sighs of mixed ecstasy were heard."

It's tough writing a better sentence than that. Thanks, Rev., for a laugh out loud.

pnuttycorn (260) -- 08.31.2007

My ex husband used to pee in soda cans (or beer) on long trips. But poopin in a cooler?
Friggin pricless!!!
THAT, is what makes a fambly(or fandamnly)vacation all the more fun!!!!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.31.2007

Great story,

Next time, if you have kids and in a car trip with them, bring a small potty along in the car in case of emergencies like pooping. And also an empty bottle for peeing.

Dry-Wipe (48) -- 09.03.2007

yet another reason to always keep a small cooler in your car... i'll take warm beer over shit-stained seats any day of the year.

good stuff rev!

_______
oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

shitwit (571) -- 09.04.2007

that's some pretty clever thinking there, Revie! I've been faced with similar shituations myself and have scanned the car for anything that could doo the job as a shit receptacle. I used the litter box once when I was moving from one state to another. Poor cat would shit in it for days after we got to the new house!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 09.06.2007

It would've been even better if you'd been driving in one of those old-fashioned station wagons with wood on the sides.

That comment about clam chowder hitting linoleum was priceless!

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

pooptastical (14) -- 09.08.2007

great story! I especially appreciated the description of the smell--I know exactly the kind of intestinal distress your poor brother was up against!

admitted shameful shitter (not verified) -- 09.11.2007

what, you couldn't find a dumpster to dump the dump? ick

Reverend Stix (12) -- 09.21.2007

Thanks for all the positive comments everyone! I've got few more poo-stories on the way.

_______
"I have only one brain in my head. I have only one head."