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My Imperfect Asshole

Posted 08.16.2006 by delusional pooper (34)
On several occasions when I have been terribly constipated and awaiting that moment of blissful release, I have suffered the yin and yang, or poop and pain, of life. Yes, eventually that moment of magical shrroooom comes -- but then another sensation enters my awareness as I sit struggling not to squeeze, waiting for sphincter action to hit my out box.

I remember well the first time: nothing but turd teasers had come to the show. As I tried to think of something else other than the expected big splash I became aware that something warm was running out of my holiest of holes and it was definitely not the hard turd nuggets originally emanating from there. I lifted up slightly and peeked into the cauldron; but because of my many microdumps, I did not notice anything. Eventually I gave up, as we all must do when our hopes for a larger emission remain unfulfilled. Not until I finally wiped did a terrible spasm of fear hit me -- I mean, if I had not already deshitted myself I would have reshitted if anything more was readily available.

To my horror, what I discovered was a massive amount of blood soaking the paper. I mean, a really large amount of MY blood -- the worst kind to see -- in my hand. I was shit-shocked, shit-faced, and shit-scared. Worse yet, I realized blood was still oozing out as my focus shifted from my hand to my ass. I panicked, my heart rate jumped. What to do?? Was I at the brink of bleeding out, as they say on TV shows? Did I squeeze too hard and burst something? Should I run to a phone and call 911?

Well, the best fix I could think of was to let the cold water run and put wet pressure with a wad of paper on my seriously-enraged hole as I remained nervously standing. And sure enough, after what seemed like hours, repeated applications of cold wet paper stopped the bleeding. Eventually, as I recovered some tranquility, I looked down at the bowl. I had been tossing wad after water- and blood-soaked wad into it with my mind focused on blood-stopping. I had never flushed. What a crappy concoction filled the bowl. I hesitated. Would it all go down? What else to do but hope for a disappearing dump.

At first the bowl filled up, getting higher and higher. You may have experienced this moment, what the Greeks described as the peak being the moment of descent. Again I felt stressed. Would it stop rising? At the last possible moment before I would start running for something to catch the overflow, the wicked stew started to descend. Saved.

Of course, by now you enlightened poopers have said the obvious to yourselves: hemorrhoids! Sure, but I had surgery for those years earlier. I wanted to believe that this was a scatological fluke. But, sadly, this bloody event has happened at relatively infrequent but crappy intervals. My only answer is prevention: never get badly plugged up. But constipation, regardless of fruit and vegetable consumption, is inevitable. It's God's will. What we must occasionally experience to better appreciate the joy of shitting is the grief of constipation.

To tell the truth, though, feeling my blood rolling out of my ass once or twice a year does not bother me all that much -- proving that you can get used to virtually any shitty thing. I mean, after all, if I enjoy releasing all my piss and shit, what's wrong with a little involuntary blood-letting now and then?

There was a time when my hemorrhoids disrupted my life. But then I capitulated. I fondly remember my hemorrhoid surgery; it was not as bad as I had expected. It was done by a Dr. Marlowe, and the sign in his office proudly proclaimed, "Marlowe's perfect assholes." Well, all's well that ends well. (Or should it be: all's well that empties well?) Sometimes you just have to pay a bloody high price to get your shit out. So I ask, poop-pals, what's the alternative?



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C Everett Poop (649) -- 08.16.2006

This is another event I am happy to report has never happened to me. When I was walking around Hong Kong a few years ago, there were numerous hemorrhoid surgery clinics in some of the back alleys. They all had huge "before and after" picture ads of assholes in their front windows. I thought it was pretty funny at the time. I wonder if former patients walked by and recognized their own bungholes.

Dave (11627) -- 08.16.2006

I did a flickr search to see if I could find any pics of C Everett's Hong Kong experience. Yikes.

CC (not verified) -- 08.16.2006

I don't want to scare you.Blood could by caused by straining yourself or hard stools.Maybe your roids came back.I urge you to send in a stool sample for lab analysis.You may want to get your colon checked too.

Double Flush (602) -- 08.16.2006

I can't honestly say I've ever had anything like that happen to me. The most I've had is the light bleeding from a tiny fissure, which I get frequently. I just let them go, because one as minor as mine just gets shrugged off anyway in favor of a patient with a bigger problem. As CC (who I really wish would register) says, I'd get that checked. I'm sure it will be considered more than my small fissure was.

_______
"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 08.16.2006

If you have to go through several minutes of wadding toilet paper and running cold water on your butthole in order to stop the bleeding, then you need to go back to the doctor. Something is not right.

Anomalous Coward (690) -- 08.16.2006

While I've been called a bloody asshole on occasion, from a medical standpoint - it ain't nothing to mess around with. It could be minor, but it also could be symptomatic of a potentially life threatening condition.

Thunderbox (837) -- 08.16.2006

I`m glad to have never experienced this sort of butt trauma.

CEP said "there were numerous hemorrhoid surgery clinics in some of the back alleys".

A perfect place for them.

Poopaloopas (28) -- 08.16.2006

I can't think of any surface problems that would cause streaming unstoppable amounts of blood. Wouldn't fissures or 'roids just cause some light bleeding, easily dabbed away? If I were you I would be scared it was cancer or something similar. Consult a doctor, please, before this comedy becomes a tragedy.

Anal About Poop (239) -- 08.16.2006

I know most men have a thing about doctors poking around in their bung area (at least that's what my husband sais), but this sound scary enough to call your MD. I have CHRONIC constipation, but have never experienced anything like that.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 08.16.2006

Poopaloopas, I'm sorry to say that it is too late. If someone is bleeding out of their butt as much as delusional pooper, it's already a tragedy.

delusional pooper (34) -- 08.16.2006

Thanks to all for being so concerned about my medical condition; but trust me, I've had medical inspections of my poop exit; it's just what happens with age, even after hemorrhoid surgery. But, I agree, when you have your first anal blood gush you take it seriously; I certainly would rather bleed once or twice a year than have another surgery. I used to hear stories from relatives about their hemorrhoid bleeding and I would laugh a lot. Cousin Norman would keep telling stories about blood running down his legs! Hey, tookas bleeding is a lot less cause for concern than bleeding profusely from other orifices - like an ear or a penis, for example.

_______
Believe in the joy of shitting!

PoopReport Sucks (19) -- 08.16.2006

This story reminds me of the last time I had a really tough bout with Constipation. It felt like I had pooped out a 10 pound piece of coral that had spent a year drying on the beach. My browneye was bleeding after that, but it only lasted for about a minute before I was wiping clear.

The thing that I worried about was wiping poop into the fissure and letting it do its thing. That would be an embarrassing way to die!!!

SamDamnit (1192) -- 08.22.2006

D.Pooper, I suggest you stop having rough anal sex. At least change positions and give the other guy the bloody bung.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Prince of Poop

i also had hemmys (not verified) -- 09.15.2006

jesus, that shits funny, I know all about it. the veins.

healthy 1 (1426) -- 12.24.2006

I have just beaten a 16 year battle of constipation predominant IBS this past February.

Excessive constipation will cause the 'rhoids.

I've been there, and it is no picnic.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 03.01.2007

I have been dealing with blood in the stool for about the last 3 years .( I had an eating disorder for 2 of them )Anyhow the last 3-4 weeks it has gotten a little worse .Also I noticed a little peace of skin or whatever by my asshole not far from it ......IDK what it is .I hope I don't have hemorrhoids and I'm scared of Dr.'s , and I don't want it to be so bad that I have to go into surgery if thats what it is . I pray it's not . I'm going to go to the Dr. sometime soon . btw I'm 22 . Help ?

Wendie Ann (1) -- 03.03.2007

Anonymous Coward , I think you need to go to the Dr. and see what they tell you . I wish you luck .

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.16.2007

Too funny CEP...pictures of before and after.
Producing waste since 1967

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