My Son's Friend, David

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I try to be the good husband, so I gave my wife Saturday off and volunteered to host my eight-year-old son's play date. His friend David was coming to spend the afternoon, so I planned on keeping an eye on things and maybe making a pizza for lunch.

David is an okay kid, but I find him to be a little off. He has that lost look about him. And during an earlier visit a year or so back, there was an "incident" that still leaves our family puzzled. David took a bathroom break and called his mom for some help. As I said, the kid is a poster child for Troubled Youth Magazine, so I wasn't surprised he still needed a hand in the bathroom.

Long after David left, our guest bathroom spilled over with the familiar odor of shit. I lifted the lid expecting shock and awe, but the bowl was clean. Nothing in the tub, either. So where the hell was the stank coming from? To my horror, our beloved wastebasket was brimming with soiled toilet paper. My wife and I stared at each other in silence, searching for some kind of rationalization. Was the mother afraid of clogging our septic system? But we don't have a septic system. Nor does she. No one in this town does. So maybe she... nope. Nothing came to mind. We were stumped.

With today's visit, I made sure to line our new wastebasket with a plastic bag, just in case. Call me Mr. Proactive.

The kids had fun that day. They ate pizza and had a ball playing in our backyard. When they came in for a break, the boys helped themselves to another slice of pizza. David talked about how tired he was as they'd done a lot of running around. I had to coax him to sit down and eat, as I thought he'd pass out just standing there.

"No, I'm okay." He preferred to stand. Again, that thousand-yard stare.

That was the first omen. The second omen came with the smell of our old pal shit. But not coming from the toilet. This time it was coming directly from David. "Gas," thought I. Off David went to use the bathroom. I was pleased that I remembered to line the basket. I'd just seal ‘er up and chuck it when he's done. Yep, Dad did well.

David's head poked out from the door. He was carrying on a conversation with my son. Weird. After a few minutes, I wanted to know what was going on. I could bore you with the details of the conversation, but the bottom line is that the kid shit his pants. He got so carried away playing that he just lost it.

I'm a reasonable man, but there is no way on God's green earth that I am wiping the ass of another's child. Nor do I want to look at a strange child's shit-filled underwear. When the feeling returned to my extremities, I threw David a bag and instructed him to put his "project" into them. He put the whole mess in his backpack and waited for his mom to come fetch him. When she finally arrived, David's stink had invaded every corner of my home like some evil Yankee Candle with a fragrance like "Crisp Summer Linen that Some Kid Just Shit On."

Epilogue

It took my wife a few weeks to casually mention the incident to David's mom. Seems she wasn't shocked it happened in the least. Apparently it's a family thing -- her brother also regularly shit his pants as a kid. When I hear things like this, I understand arranged marriages: "Satish, you will not marry the girl who's brother drops dal in his pants... very, very messy. Our family will not be messy in the pants." Makes perfect sense.

David is now on meds, as he was diagnosed with ADD this summer. Hopefully he'll now concentrate a tad more on taking evasive action when he feels that little bowl pressure. Also, it would be nice of something poop-related actually found its way into that family's toilet.

41 Comments on "My Son's Friend, David"

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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What a useless child - he needs steroids to build up his sphincter muscles, not that ADD crap. And when he`s older he should be strongly advised not to breed.

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I believe Daphne carries that particular candle fragrance (and at a better price I might ADD)

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Sometimes you find yet another good reason for getting that vasectomy, even after all these years. This kid needs diapers more than he needs that ritalin and he would never enter my house or yard again.

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
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But wait! Those among you who have not pooped yourselves cast the first turd.

I'm not saying that said kid or activity is not disgusting. Nor am I saying that I would want him playing in my house. However, most of us have shit ourselves as adults. This is a child. And one who apparently Has not a)been properly toilet trained, and/or b) has not been told it is a bad thing to shit in public.

Maybe its the parents who deserve the criticism.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

prarie doggin's picture
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You're right nine inch. I'm sure the parents have contributed a lot, but unfortunately kids don't come with instruction manuels, nor are they returnable. Although, if I was the father, I would be considering a vasectomy, unless they are trying for a little pants-shitting girl.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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I think even without extensive training, an 8 year old kid would know that it is definitely not OK to shit in his pants or in the house. My dogs have NEVER shit in the house, even when they were pups.

Anonymous Super Hero's picture
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thunderbox and everett poop, i hope someday you will have kids that not only shit in his pants, but also pees and cums everywhere in your house.

prarie doggin's picture
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My doctor told me he needed a urine, stool, and semen sample, so I just brought in a pair of my underwear.

Eoz's picture
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ASH, that's disturbing.

I felt more sorry for the kid than anything, he's going to have a tough time when he grows up and has re-learn what is acceptable and what isn't.

However, I have yet to shit my pants as an adult or even teenage. Last time that happened I was 5 and in the bathtub. Give me another 50 years, though, and I'm sure I'll be crapping my pants with gusto.

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points
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I read or heard somewhere that kids that have been sodomized commonly shit their pants.

Crapper John McIntyre's picture
l 100+ points
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Think about all of you who won't poop outside of your house. Now subtract 20, 40, 50 years of practice holding in your shit and you have a regular kid who was too embarrassed to shit at his friends house.

And if his mother failed to apologize unprompted, he obviously has some serious issues to deal with in that department, as well.

But, since he can't manage to get his poop in the toilet without incident, he probably can't navigate the internet to this page...so....no harm done.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Does your son have any comment on David? Given the incidents at your house (shatting 2 for 2), he must by this time have piled together quite the "crap sheet" at school. By age 8, your son should be learning about the costs of associating with, um, losers. If the blank stare isn't enough, the not-so-blank pants should be. So the question really is, what's up with your son?

Logjam

Poop - There it is..'s picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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My son is fine Logjam.. Was never a big fan of David's in the first place. He hasn't interacted with the kid for a long time. Fine by me.

POOP! THERE IT IS...

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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LJ, I wouldn't be surprised if the kid is a member on PR at this time. Maybe Jimbocc.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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A relief to hear about your son, Poop - .... PD, I'm sure you're right. And if so, it probably means that he's a budding turd terrorist, or, at a minimum, a devotee of Rupreckt. Since you brought him up, I was quite disappointed by Jimbocc. We invested hours in his education, and then he just up and left with nary a thank you.

Logjam

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Let the flaming begin:

I have to say: poor kid. He probably has some serious emotional problems. I have a daughter that was abducted by her mother when she was very young. When she was returned she was very shy and wet the bed a lot. After therapy (and exams by doctors of course), she stopped wetting the bed, but we noticed that she would not stop playing when she had to poop. Turns out she was longing for attention so bad that when she was having a good time playing with her friends she just didn't want it to end. She would rather feel like she 'belonged' and have shitty drawers than to have to go through the separation anxiety again just to poop.

I know it sounds ridiculous, and many of you will find it funny, but it really was a hard time in our lives.

Fortunately, therapy has paid off. She has been accident free for years now. No medication, just love from me and my wife (her stepmom)....

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I'm happy that your daughter has found her way back to you and has benefited from therapy.

My daughter had Salmonella and was afraid to poop for years afterward, which caused a few accidents. I had to keep telling myself "She won't walk down the aisle with poopy pants - keep cool." And she's 12 and has been fine for years.

However, there was a very thin line walked between compassion and allowance, and she had to clean herself up after she got to a certain age. Making the kid clean himself up seems to be something some parents don't do, and that is a huge problem.

On the other hand, this kid sounds like he's a space cadet. He might be way behind developmentally and will need a few years to catch up with the rest of the kids in his peer group. I'd be willing to bet in the next couple of years this poor guy is going to crap his pants at the wrong time and will never live it down.

Prarie, I do have a candle called Clean Cotton. It smells like dryer sheets. I put the water-based fragrance in our steam cleaner with the regular detergent, and it makes the carpets smell awesome. I should start selling it.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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Daphne is sooo right. Make the kid clean itself up and it'll quit doing it in no time.And if it doesn't clean itself up properly it'll have a butt rash and wish it did.
(You see me writing "it" I don't have kids. for a reason. I love 'em, long as they're not mine.)Kudos to you Daphne for being a real parent and not one of those pushovers I see at work everyday.

Quebecois_tbk's picture
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Ok, Anybody who thinks that that that kid should "never breed" or "grow up" is clearly not intellectual themselves. Even at 8 years old a child is still in a very vulnerable stage, and if they are not being raised correctly it can have bad effects on them. It is in no way the boys fault for doing this. It is his parents lack of teaching that did it. And if it is a physical problem that changes nothing, Would you tell a man in a wheelchair that you don't care about his condition, he has to walk up the stairs anyway, even though u know he can't???? Be nice to the poor kid, it isn't his fault.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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So the kid has ADHD ?

Now he has PTSD Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Sounds like the mother has LOWIQ.

Eoz's picture
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The difference is that the man in the wheelchair physically CANNOT walk up the stairs. That kid CAN use the toilet, he just won't, for whatever reason.
Not saying he should be chastised or punished, but there certainly should be some form of "encouragement / consequence" to reward him for using the toilet properly.
However, given the fact that his problems are likely caused by his parents, that won't happen.

Jizspewer's picture
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We have an unknown guy here at work who likes to jizz (cum)apparently in any room he's in. Floor, desk, door handle, you name it and he's jizzed on it.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I can't talk to the matter of normally developing kids crapping their pants at 8 years old, but I've seen one kid that would piss his pants even at 8. He would apparently get so involved in what he was doing that his physical need to pee wouldn't register until his pants were soaked all the way down to his shoes.

I witnessed this on a couple of occasions with this kid. When it happened the first time, I was very alarmed. His mother explained that the pediatrician said to wait it out, that he'll outgrow it, that it's just taking him longer than most kids. While bothersome when it happened a second time, we tried not to be too judgmental, just clean up the mess and move on. The kid, btw, did seem genuinely embarrassed once he realized what had happened.

I haven't seen or heard of this kid peeing his pants in months, so I'm guessing that the pediatrician was right, that he's outgrown it and it's pretty much a thing of the past.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Say what you will, but at least the kid gives a shit. In his pants, on the floor, in the waste can...
Seriously, not everyone develops at the same rate. The kid has ADHD and his parents might be overwhelmed by it, maybe they are sorta marginal themselves, or just maybe there is something else going on that we have no knowledge of. I see both sides, and perhaps compassion for the kid would be in order.

Your Fat Pig Uncle, Uncle Joe's picture
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Having a pizza party for son and his friend was very charitable pizza party. Anyways I've known other children to have accidents at ages well past what you'd expect. Almost always boys.
I remember as a kid being modest about my bowel movements, not wanting to go because of the smell. I wouldn't go for 5 days and wound up clogging the toilet a lot. One time, the bowel movments was stuck so bad I had trouble unplugging it even with a coat hanger. The log was hard, long, and bulky and got stuck right where the shithole starts curving around.
And the smell somehow osmosised into the wallpaper. My brother and father gave me a 'hard time' about this.

NosetheShit's picture
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I guess no one has ever heard of encopresis on a poop site? That's weird. I would imagine it is something that runs in families (like anxiety and OCD, being a tight-ass is genetic). It's a real medical condition and causes lots of leaking and blocking issues. It's gross and I'm scared of it. Be proud when your spawn can take a proper dump. I know I was.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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A nice article on encopresis

And yes, we've heard of it.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I laughed sooooo hard while reading this while my family was asleep...I woke them all up! I made a copy and read (er laughed just as hard as last night) to my coworkers and we all had tears in our eyes!!! Funny, funny shit! Thank you for sharing. I hope I don't get PTSD.
*WAR EAGLE*

Enunimus Coward's picture
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Okay, seriously? That kid is retarded. I don't accept shit excuses like ADD. Back when I was a kid, we didn't hand pills to any bad seed. They got slapped upside the head. There is no such thing as ADD, just a stupid, weird kid. If a kid shit himself he would NOT be allowed in my home a second longer. In fact the second he did it I would grab that kid by the scalp, throw him in my driveway and back over him with the car.

daphne's picture
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"There is no such thing as ADD"

Wrong. There is such thing as Attention Deficit Disorder, and it has a definite medical diagnosis.

The disorder has been over-diagnosed by our nation's schools intent on curtailing unruly kids with Ritalin instead of dealing with them one on one, and they have secured this possibility by having little under the radar regulations that many parents aren't aware of. For example, in many school districts in our country, the school pscyhe will send home a letter suggesting a child has it to his or her parents and asks them to allow the child to be tested by the school-appointed professionals.

The problem? The school doesn't use the definitive diagnostic measures found to be accurate by the AMA, just a question/answer test with some situational responses.

The catch? If the school psyche decides your kid has ADD from the tests they chose to use (which are arbitrary at best), you child can be refused attendance in their school if you do not medicate him as they see fit.

If your child's school ever tries to test him/her for ADD, do not allow them. Take your child to a real hospital for the brain scan. I know all of this because my nephew has ADD and was diagnosed in this manner.

Enunimus, you're one of those wonderful inspirations for birth control.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Seroiously Pissed's picture
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How could people on a website about poop be so closed minded? Or are your minds just in the sewer?
The kid's mother probably wasn't to attentive or skilled in parenting, whatever. because she wasn't dealing with him right (in my opinion) by coddling him, or not making him clean it up himself.
However she did make mention that her brother went through the same thing as a kid, doesn't it occur to you narcissists that it could be genetic?
this innocent, smelly little boy is dealing with bad genes and an idiot mother.
if i have kids i definitly want potty training to go well... but if he shits his pants in public a few times, then ill still love the little pooper.
maybe some of you just cant remember what its like to be a kid, or maybe your childhoods were all sunshine and lollipops, well you could try a little empathy every now and then, because not everyone has the good life growing up.

need to join's picture
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I knew a kid once who pooped his pants like that, he did not have ADD or a medical condition. He had an older brother that molested him. It could be a medical reason, or it could be something much worse. Before you come off too harsh on the kid it could be a cry for help. I have known or seen a few people with bathroom problems that have a lot of bad problems at home.

Love to Poop's picture
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I am impressed with the way you handled the "situations".

Kimmy!!! Get your thumb out of there! I'm about to blow!

______________________________________
Kimmy!!! Get your thumb out of there! I'm about to blow!

daphne's picture
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Half of the posts made were empathetic, Seriously Pissed.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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You are correct as usual Daphne. I'm sorry I couldn't contribute a serious comment, but I made one recently and am not due for another one for a couple of weeks.

well...'s picture
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i didnt mean you all were narcissists.
daphne

Disgusted Mother's picture
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As the name says, disgusted. Not with the child, but the adults that have nothing better to do than to sit calmy at their computer and down this child at every turn. The poor child, has got a problem. Something which his parents and he are going to have to work out. And yes, I can understand that this is not accepted, that is gross. But hello.....a child!!! He is 8 years old, do you know anything about his past, is he emotionally scarred, is it a health problem? I know a parent whose child had to have corrective surgery to stop a problem like this. Get a life, and those who don't have kids. May you never be BLESSED with one.

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points
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My dogs poo in the house. They pee, too. I just don't know how to potty train them. I got a kennel, and that worked for a while. I took him out about every 3 hours, but he just kept going whenever he felt like it. I push their faces in it and beat them on the head till they scream, them throw them outside. I need to tie them up outside, so they eventually realize that pooping in ONE spot is nice, so you don't have to keep tripping over it.

Seroiously Pissed and Need to Join, very good responses. I hate kids, but you have to be rational and see that there could be a real problem down there sometimes.

Anonymous 4 his sake...'s picture
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My son suffers this same problem and he is 13. He's not a useless child, nor is he defective, or any other names in your books. The first few years of his life were a bit more rough than it probably should have been. But he has been to a shrink and more, as well as lived at a very prestigous home for children just because of the resources available. No amount of punishment or disapproval works. NOTHING you try does. Finally, for the first time since we've been dealing with this, someone finally researched it and we found out that it truly is a mental disorder and they cannot control it the way a person with OCD can stop their troubles. It's a condition, there is a reason it happens, but we're not really sure. All I know is that my baby boy is smart, in advance classes, creative and wonderful. But because he suffered at some point in his life, he has this issue he can't help right now. It's believed that he will phaze out of it.... and it is a FACT that GROWN men & women suffer from this too, and they cannot help it either. So please stop talking about that boy as if he is not one of God's creatures.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I was deeply disturbed by this story. (Not to knock the author, there is nothing wrong with you story/writing.) It's the stuff described about the kid that bothers me and the usual diagnosis of his doctor, "It's ADD. Take a pill for that."

I had a number of friends in elementary school who had ADD, one so severe that he literally hung off the ceiling lights if he wasn't medicated. None of them pooed themselves and none had a strange stare.

I have also known several kids who DID poo themselves and had strange stares. They were ALL abused, often by parents or close relatives. As young as six, I would observe these parents/guardians acting so angelic in front of teachers and other parents, even making excuses for their kids' odd behavior, only to turn around and beat the shit out of the kid when they thought no one was looking. It really made an impact on me at that age.

Perhaps I am wrong about his parents, or perhaps it's not his parents doing it, but someone in that boy's life may be abusing him. The fact that his brother ALSO had similar behavior tells me that it is someone in that household.

Of course, I could be completely off base and it is a genetic or strictly behavioral issue. But my past observations make me wary.

_______
I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

sittingpretty's picture
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My step brother pooped his pants all the time when he was playing. He couldn't help it. He pooped once in the super slide pool. It was funny watching all the kids avoid the floating turd. I made hime sit out because I knew it was him. I feel bad about it now because I made him cry. He was having so much fun, I remember and I crashed it for him. I really feel bad for him now. I was a kid myself and didn't understand then. I was so mean and hard on my little brothers and sister because of the abuse I was forced to endure.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17