No Poo For Seven Days

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I am a very private person. Shitting is something I consider to be a most intimate moment with one's self. I can't take a dump unless I'm alone in a toilet with the door locked, and there can't be anyone else around me. I find it impossible to use a public restroom when there's no lock on the door or if it has multiple stalls, so over the years I have learned to hold it in for as long as possible. My story is one that is both embarrassing and funny.

A few years ago I was a bad boy and get arrested for a DUI. I was coming home from a night out with some friends and it it was cold and snowy outside. I was a little tipsy (and yes I know I should have called a cab!), and I ran off the road and hit a tree, totaling my car. I was very lucky not to have been injured. I was in a very small community in rural Indiana, and when the police came they took me to jail.

The only judge in the county that could have granted me a release on my own reconnaissance and not order me to post $10,000 in bail fell deathly ill, and the back-up judge was vacationing in Hawaii; so, needless to say I sat in jail for seven days, until one of them returned, and I must say not once did I shit during that time frame. For God's sake, the toilet was a stainless steel bowl in the corner of the room shared by seven fully grown hairy men. It was bad enough having to piss in it much less take a dump.

I don't know if my not pooping was a voluntary or involuntary action because of the depression I slipped into from being locked up and humiliated, but my body's metabolism basically slowed to a crawl and my bowels went into some kind of stasis. I was eating one meal a day (dinner) and I then slept the rest of the time, hoping I would wake up from the horrible nightmare I was experiencing.

Finally on the seventh day when officers came to escort me out of my cell I suddenly sprang into action, eagerly went into the out-processing area as it was called, and changed my clothes. A friend was waiting to take me back home, and as I recanted my horrible experience with him in the car ride back I felt the very first rumble in my gut. Looking back, I am sure this was a foreshock. He dropped me off and I walked into my house and could feel that unmistakable sensation -- that one where you have to shit and your ass bag is completely full. My next thought was I best be getting to my bathroom so I can use my toilet. No sooner had I sat down I realized I was going to be in for a long, long haul. My ass cheeks just weren't spread apart far enough to accommodate the hefty loaf that I was about to bring into this world.

I had to get up and stand on the commode seat and squat above the opening. This made the exodus of the turd easier, but not by much. The first contraction came and I pushed, but all I could feel was a little turtle head that darted out and then slimed its way back in. "Christ be holy," I thought to myself, and I broke into a sweat. The second contraction came about two minutes later, and this time I pushed so hard my right ear drum made a popping noise. The brick-hard turd made its way down the birth canal and poked its little crown out as if it were playing peek-a-boo with the Tidy Bowl Man. I moaned with simultaneous pleasure and pain and was freaked out because during this ordeal my penis went erect. WTF?

The third contraction hit me and I felt like I was shitting a house made from cinder blocks, one brick at a time. My anus was under attack from this vile monster as the first fumes of its putrid stench reached my nose. God, it was really hurting by this point, because it felt like I was shitting a porcupine with its quills digging into my rectum every inch of the way.

Gasping to catch my breath, I bore down once more, and the last of this mega turd hit the toilet with such force that it splashed damn near ninety percent of the water out of the bowl and onto the bathroom floor. I was frozen there, with my legs asleep from standing on the seat for so long and my O-ring fully dilated, and all I could think of was how happy I was to have this thing out of me. I stood up to examine this specimen that was once my food and it wasn't nearly as long as I thought it would be, but my God was it fat and hard: It was about seven to eight inches in length but as big around as Coke can, and the bathroom smelled like the sewers of Hell had backed up into it.

Let me put it to you this way: The thing was so big that it wouldn't flush. I had to use the toilet brush to break it up so it would go down the pipes, but the worst was yet to come. My ass remained sore and very tender to the touch, so wiping was a delicate art. I showered after it was over and laid down for the rest of the day. I got up the next morning and two hemorrhoids had flared up around my shitter; one was the size of my thumb and the other about the size of a pencil eraser.

The swelling went down after about five days, and the pain I experienced during that time was inhuman; but by the end of the second week I was back to normal.

And to answer the questions that's on your mind: I was fined $500 for DUI, sentenced to time served, lost my license for thirty days and yes, I learned my lesson. Big time.

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10 Comments on "No Poo For Seven Days"

Anonymous's picture
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Well, I have to say, that was a thoroughly enjoyable anecdote. You have a great sense of humor. I commend you on your bowel relieving efforts sir.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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RedJeep, You would never have made it through military basic training. No single commode in the corner there, just a row of stall free potties all in a row and so close together your legs touch buddies on both sides.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

FlynmonkeyPoop's picture
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Exactly, Chief. When I went through boot camp, not only did you have the toilets close, but people would sit on the sink across from you and have a conversation. You truly learn to have no shame in the military. (At least during basic training!)

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-

Anonymous's picture
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At least ypu weren't serially raped by the other hairy dudes in the cell--now THAT would have been a sore ass.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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But it would have taken his mind off the predicament of his incarceration and helped chase away that ennui that comes with inactivity. It also might have jiggled something loose and expedited a BM.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture
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Lemme just say that was one of the funny things I've ever read on the internet. Although, my heart goes out to your rectum. You've done well, soldier. And I'm sure you'll be getting a cab next time.

Anonymous's picture
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Reason you got an erection was the size of that monster was pushing on your prostate. Good story! I don't think I'd be able to go either for 7 days with other hairy men watching me...

snowballingblood's picture
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I had to spend the weekend in jail in Manhattan once on a BS Disorderly Conduct violation (thanks, alcohol!) - just because the sheer number of people in front of me was so vast and there were only a few judges handling the overcrowded situation at central booking.

Anyway, same situation - although our holding cell had about fifteen people in it, nobody shat. They actually left a whole "milk carton" of "food" next to our cell in case anyone was hungry, but it was the worst fu****g cheese and PB&J sandwiches you could ever imagine. Most everyone just slept, although I struck up a few amusing conversations.

That night most of us were moved "downstairs" to rooms behind the court, and there was a quiet older gentleman dressed business casual (with a hint of jail grime) whom a few of us endearingly referred to as "Embezzlement." Anyway, he did the unthinkable. Without any announcement, he casually walked over to the disgusting metal bowl. The reaction from the others in holding was a mixture of disgust and also respect for Embezzlement. He did his stinky deed with stoic silence. We were treated to a full scatological symphony - releases of horrid gas, the wet drooly drubble of loose bowels leaking from this businessman's rear. No dignity left. Luckily I was up soon after for my minute in front of the judge, and then back out into reality; swamped around a sea of happy tourists while I smelled like shit, and had no greater desire than to shit. I went to my girlfriend's then place off 81st street and stunk up her bathroom to high heaven. Somehow, she didn't leave me.

No matter how hard you try to poop, a penguin can do it harder.

IBSSUCKS's picture
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Dude erections with hard poops are common, I have had that happen many times, only mine was thanks to my IBS and normally at the worst possible times....

Anonymous's picture
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Although your experience was pretty traumatic, the way you told it was downright hilarious. Props to you.