I normally have a stalwart digestive system. I typically eat anything and everything and, with one notable exception in Mexico, rarely suffer ill consequences. (Of course, I personally do not consider outrageous flatulence to be an ill consequence. No, I find farting to be more of an endlessly-entertaining by-product of digestion.)
However, last Sunday afternoon, my lower intestines were suddenly seized by the most outrageous pain I have ever experienced (with one notable exception in Mexico). The entire lining of my digestive tract was ablaze. It felt like rodents had climbed up my ass and made a nest inside my transverse colon. By nightfall, I was in tears.
"You probably just need to take a big shit," said my husband, clearly all awash with sympathy.
I followed his advice the next morning but experienced no relief from my agony. My entire abdomen was tender -- it hurt to the touch. The simple act of walking sent spasms of pain through my gut with each footfall. I called in sick to work and spent the next two days in bed.
Come Wednesday, I was still feeling quite delicate, but I was bored to tears (Australian daytime television is a horror show) and now my back was sore from lying down, so I decided to go to work anyway. For the next few days I limped around the lab with a distinctive slouch in an effort to cushion my internal organs against the pain that still gripped my digestive tract, prompting my boss to inquire as to whether I might have a Giardia infection. I dismissed the idea, since I had not been drinking from any mountain streams lately and because I did not have diarrhea -- in my mind, two inseparable prerequisites for a Giardia infestation diagnosis.
But then, an extraordinary thing happened. I took a shit. Nothing extraordinary about that -- what was extraordinary was the color.
Because of my adventurous eating habits, I have produced a veritable rainbow of excrement, my personal favourite being a brilliant atomic red after eating some chili-lime peanuts in Mexico (not related to the notable exception mentioned above), a movement made especially memorable because it was produced al fresco in an arroyo during a camping trip. However, I have never before fabricated a turd that was such an intense shade of yellow. The color was so striking that it immediately sent me to the Internet in search of answers.
Now I know the Internet is home to numerous unfathomable obsessions, and I fully expected to come across plenty of shit-fetish websites. What I did NOT expect to find on the Internet was a thoughtful and intellectual community of people who like to engage in outrageously humorous discussions of one of the human body's most basic functions.
After wasting the better part of two working days goofing around on my new favorite website, I eventually learned that yellow poop has two primary causes. One is a harmless condition called Gilbert's Syndrome that involves the improper breakdown of red blood cells. The other is that yellow poop (especially if it is greasy and floaty, ahem) is a classic symptom of a Giardia infection! Further research on Giardia uncovered the fact that one may not showcase any or all of the symptoms, and that it can be contracted from other sources besides contaminated mountain streams -- like swimming pools, or Sydney Water.
As much as I enjoy discussing pooping issues, I am absolutely appalled at the idea of producing the stool sample required for an official diagnosis of giardiasis. According to the CDC, the infection may run its course in two-to-six weeks, and that one of the side effects can be dramatic weight loss of up to ten percent of one's body weight -- which just so happens to be the amount of weight I gained last month eating super burritos and bacon while in America.
Hmmm. Poop in a bag and take antibiotics, or suffer a few cramps and lose weight?
I'll have to ask my new online community what they think. Meanwhile, I have been slouching around the house singing "Oh, Giardia!" to the tune of the Canadian national anthem.