The Pain In My Butt

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

It all started one November morning in 2005. I was upstairs in my bedroom getting ready for work when the urge to poop suddenly hit. And this wasn't any urge to take lightly. I knew that I was about to produce a monster.

I went in and proceeded to give birth to this thing. As it came out of me I could feel my anus stretching to its limits; but nothing that a grown man couldn't take. Wiping, I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper. I got up to see what I had birthed: a log a good fifteen inches long and two inches thick.

There was no way that my dying toilet was going to be able to handle this. I broke out the turd chopper, chopped it in half, and then flushed. The giant beast swirled away to the murky depths below.

The next day, I was at work and I needed to poo. I proceeded into the men's room to do my thang. But this one would just poke its head out and go back in. So, not wanting to be in the bathroom until the second coming, I gave a girthy push. The log came out -- but I felt something go "pop" in my rectum. Wiping, there was a fair amount of blood, and now a dull ache.

As the next couple of weeks passed, things initially got worse, but began to get better. And then, on December 3, 2005, I was at Borders reading and catching up on some assignments when I began to feel gurgling and rumbles in my gut. I knew what was awaiting me when the cramps set in, so I proceeded to the men's room. A terrible flood of butt mud and liquishit came blasting out of me. After thirty minutes of violent shitting, the ass-ault on my ass was finally over, but the pain and bleeding had returned.

Getting very concerned, I conceded and saw a doctor. The doctor told me that I had a case of hemorrhoids right at the rectum, just barely outside. They would inside when the urge to poop hit -- but they would come back out while pooping. I was given a prescription for Analpram ointment, a topical anesthetic. The cream did little to ease my suffering -- now every time I would poop, stripes of blood would decorate my logs. And every time I had to poop, I would pray that it wasn't going to be a super-sized turd, as it usually was. I had to go back to the doctor for a prescription of Lidocaine to ease the burning. Now when the doctor would stick his finger up my starfish, the pain was enough to launch me over the moon.

On January 4, 2006, my hemorrhoids reached their climax. After excessive hell-raising and a few too many to drink, my ass was giving me something to remember. This time, when urge to poop hit, it felt like baby Jaws was nibbling at my starfish. I headed off to the toilet armed with a pan of warm water, my Lidocaine jelly, some Epsom salts, and other necessities. But now my hemorrhoids were at the top of the Fartjita scale: Category Five.

As the turd began to come out of my anus, I began to feel the winds of pain starting to blow. I knew the pain was going to be intense, yet I had to poo too bad to hold it.

The giant turd got halfway out, and stopped cold.

"Son of a bitch!" I yelled as a stabbing pain struck my rectum. This was my payback for my dirty deeds on New Year's night. Karma can be cruel; but I had to take my medicine like a man, and suffer the consequences of my hell-raising. Finally, the turd broke off.

But more was to come. The pain was so intense that it made me queasy. Sometimes it would shoot down my legs like a lightning bolt. As the rest of this monster log made its journey out of my bruised and battered tooter, the pain just got too intense -- I had to stop and take a sitz bath.

After ten minutes passed, my anus had calmed down enough so I felt that I could finish business. As soon as I resumed, though, the pain returned -- my little reprieve was just the eye of the storm. Now the worst of the storm was about to rumble through.

"Oww!" I shrieked. "Just get it over with and come out!"

Ten more minutes passed. Now a storm surge of blood was making its presence known: the monster log had burst my hemorrhoids. "Suffering son of a bitch!" I exclaimed as I grew increasingly irritated with my shituation.

"I have no choice," I thought to myself. "I am going to have to dig this thing out." So I slathered my storm-damaged rectum in Lidocaine jelly, waited another five minutes, and then put on a glove and dug what I could out, one piece at a time.

"This is nasty," I thought to myself as I was disimpacting.

Though I got some of it out, my anus was throbbing and burning as if I was shitting out broken bottles. After forty-five minutes, I gave up. I had gotten about half of the turd out.

I looked into the bowl. My creation was fully covered in fire engine-red blood. The toilet looked like someone had gutted out a pig. I flushed and called in sick for the day.

Three hours later, I administered an enema, and the remnants of the turd to come out, with marginal pain. The storm was down graded to Category Three.

A week later, my case of hemorrhoids mysteriously disappeared.

But I know that if I am not careful, the hemorrhoids could reappear. With my history of hemorrhoids, my anus is like a farmhouse in the middle of Tornado Alley, just waiting in dread of the next storm.

104 Comments on "The Pain In My Butt"

Anonymous's picture

You should be an author. I have never been more into reading about a dude taking painful bloody shits. Hahah

@#$%!'s picture

MY GOD, I never thought i'd have hemmorhoids at 28! I've never given birth but now, NOW it sure feels like I have! I nearly passed out this last time, felt as if I were being ripped from asshole to appetite by a giant broken window. I somehow knew that wouldn't digest well. Now I have to go again, but there's NO WAY IN HELL that i'm gonna! Nope. It's just going to have to find another way out. Last time I screamed as the sweat came pouring down my face. Anyone know if they sell an OTC epidural? >.<

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Jesse: At 19 it is normal to have large bowel movements. That bump, though, is not something we on this site can diagnose. Your doctor is used to seeing people's butts, and feeling inside (with rubber glove on, lubricated for gentle insertion). There are even tools to let him inspect that bump visually if necessary. Please see your doctor.

Jesse Schultz's picture

I am worried, you and I are literally EXACTLY THE SAME. For me, I've been noticing huuuge craps since about four weeks and tonight while wiping I felt a really hard bump JUST INSIDE my asshole. I'd say it's about the size of half my pinky nail but really hard and it hurts sooooo bad when I touch it. I considered popping it like some sorta anal zit but idk what that would do and I'm really fucking worried. If anyone has help for me I would seriously appreciate it... My email is and my name is Jesse. I'm 19 and 5'8" and weigh 145 lbs. I eat a fair amount of junk food and drink a shit ton of mountain dew. I'm really worried you guys. Please help...

poopieturd's picture

hahahaha! i like how you write! this made my day!

poopinghurts's picture

dude my pooping life was wonderful up til i had surgery. after srugery i jumped back to eating the exact way i did b4 the surgery bcos i am a football player specifically a linebacker.after my surgery i had to take a monster crap but this thing just wont burge.i am too affraid to take a dump and it affects my gameplay and i cant talk to other players about it, long story short i am really scared and cry when pooping and i take hits from 360pound guys but this is more painful. help me

:(LP's picture

I'm eleven it started November 2009. I couldn't poop and I still can't so I take stool softener pills, but ever since two days ago my butt hole hurt so bad and I walk weird and slow. I cant even lay down comfy :(

I am worried.'s picture

Ohh man....I am so glad I found this thread. So here's my situation,
About 3 weeks ago, my stools have been coming out big. By reading this thread, it made me wonder on wether or not coffee is a big factor? I started drinking a cup in the morning every other day. I have anxiety problems, and I k ow I shouldn't drink it, but I do cause I miss the flavor. haha, Anyway, about an hour ago, I pooped out a big one again and this time a streak of blood feel out with it. and my bum was hurting for about 20 min. does this mean I have a hemrroid and it's getting worse? Also, what cab I do now to prepare myself for another one? I'm kinda scared to sit down and poop again. and I don't want to have to deal with this later on. I just wanna get rid of it now! by the way, a little about me, I am 19 years old. male. I smoke and drink but not often I am 5'5 and weigh 148 lbs. any suggestions would greatly be appreciated!

Infrequent Shitter's picture

God. That's awful! I guess what I'm experiencing is much better. I have been constipated pretty much my whole life. It just backs up in my intestines like all the way up to my lungs. It makes me nauseous. Then, when I do poop, the only thing that gets around whatever is stuck is liquid. So it sounds like I'm pissing every time I take a dump. I wipe my ass so much, I'm really amazed I still have one.

AMG's picture

After most of the above pain and bleeding, seeing 3 docs,being diagnosed with fissure, then decompressed rhoid, the GI doc gives me samples of brand name hydrocortisone with pramoxine. This stuff must have been invented in Iraq by Uday and Qusay.It made the pain much worse. Sitting on a cactus isn't even close. I feel like a porcupine got stuck and is clawing his way out. One doc had the nerve to ask if I felt anything unusual in my butt, like I must just stick my fingers up there all the time. Now with all the different ointments, I know what he was talking about. Nothing helps. I guess I'll just crawl off and die.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

AC--Obviously, we don't know what's wrong, either; if it doesn't go away and stay away, go to your doctor.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Mannn...I just got done pooing and it hurt so bad I could barely stand up afterwards. I felt this huge thing coming from deep inside my intestines and I squeezed and squeezed for 10 minutes. I figured my toilet would never be able to swallow this thing whole. Finally, I got it to where it was popping it's head in and out like a turtle and when it hit the toilet water I was expecting to hear a big splash but nope...I heard a little patoink! it was a little pooplet!!! It hurt so bad it was utterly pathetic and now I am in agony...I have no idea what is wrong with me.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hello, AC, your doctor can tell you what's wrong and whether it will go away or what it will take to make it go away. Just waiting for it to go away on its own may not work. See the doc.

Anonymous Coward's picture

yeah i have like a pinching stabbing pain in my butthole that hurts with undescribable pain. i think my colon is packed from not chewing my food all the way. your suppose to chew your food like 20 times or more or something like that. it happends off & on. like when i'm in the grocery store it happend out of nowhere, people were looking at me weird because of my reaction but its not like i can jus say oh don't mind me its just my butthole. GOD i hope it gets better

AnonymousShitter's picture

Well, I've always had issues with constipation since I decided to quit alcohol all together and boy let me tell you...

Day before yesterday I took a normal shit in the toilet, but it really felt like thorns were all over this thing. As it was coming out, right in the middle of this dump I felt something and possibly even heard it pop in my butt hole. It hurt like a muther fudger as I poop out this thing and even afterwards, but there was only a little tiny bit of blood on the paper.

Bright red, yes but not enough to say that it was anything more than a case of piles or an anal fissure. This popping that I felt though still worries me. Good thing I'll be seeing the doctor today.

Ouch thatmustve Hurt's picture

I'm sorry..but I found that to be a HILARIOUS read. HAHAHAH. Though, I feel your pain brother. Only, I get hemmerhoids everytime I get my period. Now that's a real pain in the ass. :D

Duke Tooter's picture

Um, I too have 'roids. My doctor gave me prescription suppositories and they help to shrink the bothersome swellings.
Blood in the stool is always something one should see a doctor about. When the blood is bright red, it is likely to be from bleeding 'roids. Dark blood, now that's scary.
What really annoys me is when I'd have to take a poop at work and the damn 'roids would start to bleed. I'd have to stick a piece of paper towel in my butt-crack to prevent my shorts from getting stained. Not fun.
Oh, and I did have one of those big external 'roids lanced by a doctor one time. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! I was in more pain that the maximum dose of ibuprofen could handle for about two weeks and the only relief was obtained by sitting for hours in a bathtub of warm water.

--It wasn't the dog, IT WAS ME!

--It wasn't the dog, IT WAS ME!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I blew up the toilet. Poop came out like paste and the toilet water changed color to a murky brown.I called out sick for the day. My starfish felt like it had been lit with a cigarette lighter.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i hardly red it but i was laughin at how you explained it lol sorry i know it wasnt funny at all but i was crying like when you said buttmud and liquidshit lol you funny guy haha

Anonymous Coward's picture

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I hope you stay better.

painfullcure tobesure's picture

Alas I read this just after hemmoriodectomy surgery.
once the spinal block wore off it was F7 time.
all the bleeding and pain i suffered for a YEAR on the waiting list is visited in one go.
The blood is not gushing but after removing 3 BIG hemmoroids and tying off a dozen small ones the inside of my butt has a dozen chunks of meat sticking out like Rastafarian dreadlocks and the inflammation is soo bad the pressure on my prostate means it takes an hour to pee.
I only pray the sleeping pills I took will knock me unconscious. Death is looking like a good deal right now.

When they tell you "tieing them off with little rubber bands will cause them to fall off with no trauma" THEY LIE!!!!!

&quot;The Poopsmith&quot;'s picture

I have an issue where whenever I do number 2 and i strain it feels like i cant clinch my rectum back up and get this dull aching. I've had blood on the TP before i took a hemorrhoid suppository and it went away but whenever i get the dull ache theres no blood on the TP... think it could be hemorrhoids on the anus?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Been going through the roid thing on an off for 6 months. I started drinking a gulp og virgin olive oil once in the morning an once at night. Also using the herb Rutin. Does work. But I drank a bunch of wine and bam their back. So I start taking the rutin every 4 hrs and it helps. I play softball and drinking is a big part of it so until I quit probably will deal with flare ups for a while.

Anonymous Coward (I&#039;M NOT A COWARD LMFAO)'s picture

HAHAHA! Your writing skills are amazing! You had me laughing my ass off (no pun intended XDDD) the whole time XD!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

That's a lot of time and effort...I think I'll stick to the vice grips welded to a tow chain connected to a 9,000 Lb Warn winch.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Anonymous Coward's picture

Well, this is a god damn breakthrough in my ass ball problem... I thought I would share this miracle with anyone who is interested.. I had a type 4 bleeding prolapsed pile that god damn came outta my ass... It hurt just to walk, and sitting down it was so irritating. I'm just so glad i didn't have to go to see a doctor and it went away on its own. I did alot of research on the internet about what works, and i tried everything.. My own method worked for me BIG TIME... So here's my advice.

1> Don't try to pop or squeeze it because, it will damage the vein and the fucking roid will double in size.
2> I know this might sound weird, but make a big pot of my chili recipe.. (This is a substitute for the cayenne pepper cure) <---this is what did it folks... SERIOUS!!!

2 1/2 pounds of beef
3 28 oz cans of diced tomatoes
5 medium minced onions
2 14 oz cans of tomatoe sauce
2 cans of kidney beans
12 full tablespoons of chili powder
5 full tablespoons of turmeric powder
7 full tablespoons of cayenne pepper
5 minced cloves of garlic
1 tablespoon of garlic powder
1/2 cup of sugar
1 tablespoon of garlic salt
pepper to taste.

In a skillet cook the ground beef adding 2 tablespoons of chili powder, 2 tablespoons of cayenne pepper and 1 tablespoon of turmeric powder. When it is done and brown, drain it and set it aside. 2. add some cooking oil to the skillet and add the chopped onions and garlic, cook until they become clear and a little brown, add the garlic salt, mix and put aside. 3. Rinse and drain the kidney beans and cook them in water in a small pot until they become very soft, rinse again and put aside. 4. Now, in a really big pot, mix all the other ingredients together, and bring to a boil, then add the beef, beans, onions and let it simmer for 1 hour. Taste it to make sure that it is extremely hot, so hot that you can only stand to eat one bowl, if it isn't hot enough add more cayenne pepper.
You must eat one big bowl WITH 2 slices of whole grain TOAST w/ butter. And a glass of water. Twice a day <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Before you have to poop, put some vaseline or polysporin, whatever, to lubricate your asshole.. When you poop, it will be very hot, however the cayenne pepper is actually going to stop the bleeding and reduce the swelling dramatically.

3> After you goto the washroom, have a glass of ice near by, or something out of the freezer. sit in the bath tub for about 20 mins in really hot bath water, the sith bath thing. After you get out of the tub, wrap an ice cube in a bit of toilet paper, and sit on it for about 10 mins, while you towel yourself dry. Pat your but down with some corn starch, and get ready to do it again next day.

4> Last but not least, Do ass exercises by squeezing in your buttcheeks and holding for 12 seconds at a time, whenever you feel comfortable to do it, you should make a habit of this while on the computer or watching tv...

That's it, after about 5 days of this shit, my hemorroids were gone, and I had some good chili. I didn't even have to see a doctor.. Good Luck!

Tracy's picture

Lol...I understand completely what you want through because I am experiencing the same exact thing right now.Your story just made me laugh so hard because I know exactly what your talking about even though its not even funny.

Bumrusher's picture

Hello forum. I have looked through a bit of the info on the Internet and was wondering what types of food I can and cannot eat with the roids. I have been bodybuilding for a little over 2 years now and have not had a problem with my diet messing my shit times up. 2 weeks ago my stomach felt horrible and I awoke with horrible gas and could hardly eat. So at that point I cut dairy completely from my diet and whole eggs because of the gas. Then after cutting everything is when my hole just started itching at nite an when I would go poo it would leave my hole throbbing and sometimes I can't even bend over because the area is so sensetive and raw that any stretching just feels like it's ripping the whole area open. I just applied for health coverage but just wanted some opinions on this whole scenario. Also, can I still drink soy protein powder and eat almonds with yogurt?Thanx anyone for ure input.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I hope to God you're using condoms, first off. Second, it sounds like you may have an anal fissure.

If you use epsom salts, you mix enough salts in the warm water until there is a little bit of salt still left in the water after you've stirred it well.

Drink tons of water and avoid excess meat, processed flour, and spicy foods. In fact, try the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) with some oatmeal in for kicks.

I have no idea about creams.

As to sex, you can wank off for a few weeks, can't you? Maybe, use your opposite hand and pretend it's someone else? Don't rush it, or you might end up re-injuring yourself all over again.

Good luck.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

JSJ's picture

I am currently dealing with this situation now... I wanted to go to a doctor, but having no health insurance I've decided to use the internet to figure out what is wrong with me.

I get a red blood stripe on my poop, and it hurts like hell when I shit. It feels like I'm passing razor blades. When I wipe there is bright red blood... and my "starfish" is so tender and hurts so bad. I usually have so much pain after that it hurts to sit down. Over the last week it has gotten better each day, but I'm ready for it to end.

What is the benefit of the salt in the bath tub? And how much salt/water do I use?

What can I do to make my hole less painful while taking a shit?

What is the best cream to use, and how do i get it up in there?

Here is the kicker... I'm a gay man and this is killing my sex-life. I'm freaked out that I will never be able to get fucked in the ass again... Is there a time span I should wait after everything heals up and returns to normal? What risks do I run for having this problem return due to having sex?

CaliBurgh's picture

First, I've had these pains in the ass (pun intended) on and off for a couple of years now and have been looking for relief since.

I only use natural treatments for ailments and have gotten great results with them. I started with acupuncture which by far helped the greatest. It's a bit expensive, but well worth it.

From my personal experience, stress and diet are the only two causes. The acupuncture helps with the stress and the diet was helped by adding tons of fiber.

The Acupucturist also gave me a cream to put up there called "Ma Ying Long Hemorrhoids ointment" I've been using this stuff and it's a LIFE SAVER. This is the leading natural hemorrhoid cream. I have internal roids and this cream is designed specifically for them.

This cream actually heals the roids with the minerals in it and also provides an awesomely relieving cooling effect. Using the cream for a month or so has allowed me to change my diet and sure enough the roids are slowly retreating.

My other main treatment that I use is a sitz bath with ice cold water, ice cubes, and epsom salt in it. About 15-20 minutes each time.

Other relief procedures are stretching (head to knees, along with anything else that stretches that area) and I use basic reflexology techniques to relieve pain (I rub the arch in my left foot which helps the most).

Things that I eat that are very good for it are spinach, yogurt, and pears are awesome and keep my time on the toilet to a minimum.

***STAY AWAY FROM*** the following :
Tortilla chips
Hard Liquor
Wine/Grapes (can't digest the skin)

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

I can't imagine the pain you went through
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

Anonymous Coward's picture

I was an hour late to work about a month ago my ass hurt so bad i had to run to the store and buy some prep h then soak in the tub before work my boss asked why i was late all mad i told him and he laughed his ass off for like an hour everyone at work ask me how my ass is and laugh all the time ive been going threw this for about 2 months now it sucks beyond belief what a nightmare im glad people get a good laugh out of it though it is funny until it happens to you

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

My friend Matthew suffered almost exactly the same thing. He lived with a pilondal sinus for a long time, eventually having a large chunk of flesh surgically removed from his arsecrack, but it changed his bowel habits forever. 20 years later he still only shits maybe once every 2 - 3 weeks, and he's suffers so badly with his 'roids that it makes me wince to think about it. They burst fairly frequently and the pain sounds like something out of a snuff movie. Most recently, he woke up in the night in agony, covered in blood due to an arsegrape rupturing.

I occasionally 'suffer' with internal piles which do little more than give me a stinging arse and streaks of blood in the stool or on the TP, (which Anusol sorts out pretty well) but it's so mild in comparison to his traumatic discomfort that I consider myself lucky.

Jessica Lynn's picture

Oh god...
My butt hole twitched while reading this. The adjectives you decided to use were amazingly funny, though. I found my self giggling quite a bit while reading this. I feel bad for your poor butt hole.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

well that settles it, i will never push to the point of almost blacking out again when I have a case of the marbles. I would much rather deal with my rabbit shits and million wipers than deal with 'roids, sitz baths and birthing all over again.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Damn it, PD! I almost shit myself with that one!

Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I suggest you press and bottle those 18 year old grapes as they are almost past their peak. A few more years in oak and you should have a fine vintage.

burning grapes's picture

What a wonderful story that I can identify with.

My hemroids started with 3rd my pregnancy when my doc prescribed suppositories. Seven years later, another doc prescribed suppositories with my fourth pregnancy. They didn't cause any pain.

About five years later, I had the opposite of constipation. I pooped many times a day, not exactly diarhoa, but very soft mushy stuff. There was no pain, but heaven forebide I don't make it to the toilet the moment I have the urge. How many times I had to discharge my undies.

I had a colonoscopy, there was no cancer, as the doc tells me, but I had bits of grapes aka hemeroids. Why didn't you take them out? I asked. He said since they were not causing me any discomfort, there was no need, as he so wisely told me.

You have a food allergy, he says.

I don't drink alcohol.

Fast foreward a few years, once, I got this burning pain from my grapes. I had a wedding to help, but I was wasted. I couldn't stand for more than 30 minutes.

Now, every now and then, the grapes flair up.I surf for all the natural cures for hemeroid, I coat a smashed up garlic with good active UMF honey and insert it into my butt. I take psyllium, fenrugreek powder, boil up whole lemon. I have yogurt with green teapowder for breakfast. My grapes are still there.

I tried Tea Tree Oil as a sauve, but they burnt me.

Can some one please give me a permanent cure? My grapes are 18years old.

Fecal Coward's picture

I had a small roid just inside my ass once, caused me so much pain to take a solid shit I drank milk with every meal to act on my lactose intolerance and give me a case of the shits. Eventually the roid went away and I was solid shit ready again!

-Midnight-'s picture

I am 15 years old and I know exactly what you were going through.Every time I have to take a crap I wanna cry cause I know it is going to hurt.I tell my mom and she just yells at me to stop talking.I get pains sometimes in my lower back area and those hurt so much they sometimes put me to sleep.I wish to go to the doctors to make sure there is nothing else wrong with me but my mother won't take me.Some times at night I cry to her telling her about the blood and she just tells me I will be fine but I don't want to think of anything bad.I try taking video games into the bathroom to maybe see if it will like distract me while I am doing my business but I have to put them down because I don't want to drop or throw my DS light on the floor.I have often told my boyfriend about it and he gets a little worried.I feel like it is important to tell people about the situation.I just hope it is not something really bad and just some hemorrhoids.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Every once in a while (say, once a month or six weeks) I get a dull achy pain in my anus. Sometimes it is right after or even during a bowel movement, but this last time it was in the late morning; my poop had been about 5 o'clock, so this was 5 hours later. I was sitting on my swivel chair at work, and sometimes I had to lean over on one buttock with the other in the air, and twist at the same time, in order to reach some papers or something. Gradually I noticed the ache, which was fairly unpleasant; it made me think I had agitated a hemorrhoid I didn't know about. At the time I was in study hall, with three students sitting at desks, so I didn't want to do something over; yet I needed to stay and get work done. I ended up standing and stretching, walking around a bit; at first no relief. The pain seemed centered at the anus, so I reached back there and massaged it discreetly through my pants (no skid marks, as I was able to verify afterwards). Finally, after maybe 20 minutes, the pain went away. Odd.

Neur0ticism's picture

I appreciate the help from people here. Currently at 7:06 PM PST I am hurting because of the chronic constipation and so to google, I search for relief, for help and I have found the place! Thanks a bunch. ^_^ Funny ass story by the way.

jacktuls's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I love my asshole, and try to take care of it as much as possible! If I'm bad to it, it will be bring down the pain tenfold upon me!


princess gossett's picture

It almost sounds like a herpie outbreak. i am so sorry that happened to u. my cousins hemroid bustted and he had to get a shot in his brown eye. occhhhh

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Well, kidpoop0317, since you have yet to experience this in your painfully obvious young life, I will pray to the powers that be to visit you with such a calamity, immediately, and with great vehemence. Good luck with that. Oh, and you earned a "LAME".....nice.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

kidpoop0317's picture


Red Hot Rectum's picture

H1...Wow! That's all I can say.

You've just described my EXACT situation almost to the letter (at times I can watch blood streaming from my rectum during a BM). Your articulation of our situation is both accurate, verbally agile and hilarious! I'm still laughing.

On a more serious note however, I recently grew weary of the constant burning and itching (especially at night), and was beginning to become concerned about anemia. I went to see gastroenterologist (make sure yours is board certified in gastroenterology), who recommended banding in 3 separate sessions.

After the 1st session the pain is gone, the itching is gone and the bleeding is gone. The difference is night & day! I'll wait until after my 2 additional banding sessions to really kick up the heat (I love hot/spicy food). That'll be the REAL RECTAL acid test.

I'd really love to be able to down a plate of nuclear wings, without feeling like shoving a snow cone up my ass in the morning (BTW, it works but you don't need the flavored syrup).

Thanks again for your concise narrative! My eyes are still watering (from laughter)!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Aloe juice is great stuff, but there is a little known fact about aloe juice: when buying aloe juice, make sure to buy aloe juice made with the inner leaf. The outer leaf contains toxins.

remember, inner leaf good, outer leaf bad.
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

compacted2's picture

Also, try aloe juice. Its mildly expensive and tastes nasty, but it keeps your bowels lubricated.

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