The Pain In My Butt

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It all started one November morning in 2005. I was upstairs in my bedroom getting ready for work when the urge to poop suddenly hit. And this wasn't any urge to take lightly. I knew that I was about to produce a monster.

I went in and proceeded to give birth to this thing. As it came out of me I could feel my anus stretching to its limits; but nothing that a grown man couldn't take. Wiping, I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper. I got up to see what I had birthed: a log a good fifteen inches long and two inches thick.

There was no way that my dying toilet was going to be able to handle this. I broke out the turd chopper, chopped it in half, and then flushed. The giant beast swirled away to the murky depths below.

The next day, I was at work and I needed to poo. I proceeded into the men's room to do my thang. But this one would just poke its head out and go back in. So, not wanting to be in the bathroom until the second coming, I gave a girthy push. The log came out -- but I felt something go "pop" in my rectum. Wiping, there was a fair amount of blood, and now a dull ache.

As the next couple of weeks passed, things initially got worse, but began to get better. And then, on December 3, 2005, I was at Borders reading and catching up on some assignments when I began to feel gurgling and rumbles in my gut. I knew what was awaiting me when the cramps set in, so I proceeded to the men's room. A terrible flood of butt mud and liquishit came blasting out of me. After thirty minutes of violent shitting, the ass-ault on my ass was finally over, but the pain and bleeding had returned.

Getting very concerned, I conceded and saw a doctor. The doctor told me that I had a case of hemorrhoids right at the rectum, just barely outside. They would inside when the urge to poop hit -- but they would come back out while pooping. I was given a prescription for Analpram ointment, a topical anesthetic. The cream did little to ease my suffering -- now every time I would poop, stripes of blood would decorate my logs. And every time I had to poop, I would pray that it wasn't going to be a super-sized turd, as it usually was. I had to go back to the doctor for a prescription of Lidocaine to ease the burning. Now when the doctor would stick his finger up my starfish, the pain was enough to launch me over the moon.

On January 4, 2006, my hemorrhoids reached their climax. After excessive hell-raising and a few too many to drink, my ass was giving me something to remember. This time, when urge to poop hit, it felt like baby Jaws was nibbling at my starfish. I headed off to the toilet armed with a pan of warm water, my Lidocaine jelly, some Epsom salts, and other necessities. But now my hemorrhoids were at the top of the Fartjita scale: Category Five.

As the turd began to come out of my anus, I began to feel the winds of pain starting to blow. I knew the pain was going to be intense, yet I had to poo too bad to hold it.

The giant turd got halfway out, and stopped cold.

"Son of a bitch!" I yelled as a stabbing pain struck my rectum. This was my payback for my dirty deeds on New Year's night. Karma can be cruel; but I had to take my medicine like a man, and suffer the consequences of my hell-raising. Finally, the turd broke off.

But more was to come. The pain was so intense that it made me queasy. Sometimes it would shoot down my legs like a lightning bolt. As the rest of this monster log made its journey out of my bruised and battered tooter, the pain just got too intense -- I had to stop and take a sitz bath.

After ten minutes passed, my anus had calmed down enough so I felt that I could finish business. As soon as I resumed, though, the pain returned -- my little reprieve was just the eye of the storm. Now the worst of the storm was about to rumble through.

"Oww!" I shrieked. "Just get it over with and come out!"

Ten more minutes passed. Now a storm surge of blood was making its presence known: the monster log had burst my hemorrhoids. "Suffering son of a bitch!" I exclaimed as I grew increasingly irritated with my shituation.

"I have no choice," I thought to myself. "I am going to have to dig this thing out." So I slathered my storm-damaged rectum in Lidocaine jelly, waited another five minutes, and then put on a glove and dug what I could out, one piece at a time.

"This is nasty," I thought to myself as I was disimpacting.

Though I got some of it out, my anus was throbbing and burning as if I was shitting out broken bottles. After forty-five minutes, I gave up. I had gotten about half of the turd out.

I looked into the bowl. My creation was fully covered in fire engine-red blood. The toilet looked like someone had gutted out a pig. I flushed and called in sick for the day.

Three hours later, I administered an enema, and the remnants of the turd to come out, with marginal pain. The storm was down graded to Category Three.

A week later, my case of hemorrhoids mysteriously disappeared.

But I know that if I am not careful, the hemorrhoids could reappear. With my history of hemorrhoids, my anus is like a farmhouse in the middle of Tornado Alley, just waiting in dread of the next storm.

104 Comments on "The Pain In My Butt"

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Reading this made my butthole twitch. H1, you need to find the hottest chili peppers you can stand (by that, I mean eat without losing consciousness) and eat six a day. This will guarantee that hour rhoids stay in remission.

Thunderbox's picture
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The horror...the horror..

The voice of sanity

healthy 1's picture
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Yeah, Dung Daddy. Actually, I love hot spicy food, the hotter the better.

I did learn (the hard way) that drinking Vodka, while having hemorrhoids, is not a very smart idea.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anal About Poop's picture
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H1, it sounds like you needed an epidural to give birth to that monster. Your poor poor bung hole.
DD, I don't see how eating obscenely hot peppers will help with the hemorrhoids. I do not doubt they work for you. I just don't understand HOW they work. I myself eat peppers and hot sauce with almost everything and I've never had hemorrhoids. I wonder if that's why.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Doh! Vodka is also known as "hemorrhoid sandpaper."

Anal, my theory is that a scorching hot bm either burns the rhoids off, cauterizing them. Or, bload vessels, being chemically sensitive, constrict on contact with pepper and shrink to an unnoticeable size.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Blood. That's "blood," not "bload." I don't know what bload is, but it's not the word I was looking for.

Anal About Poop's picture
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You know how when you eat something really hot your nose stars running and your saliva glans go into overdrive? MAYBE it has something to do with that also. I don't know. Just a thought.

healthy 1's picture
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What make s hot foods hot is a substance known as Capsacian. It is possible that the Capsacain supports the blood vessles in a way that prevents hemorrhoids.

I will research this theory.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Lincoln's Log's picture
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I'm glad you went to a doctor.Blood in the stool could mean you need a stool softener or God forbid colon cancer.Don't ignore blood in your stools.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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You made me fidget in my chair the whole time I was reading that...yikes!! I can't imagine how painful that must be. I have always had painless poops and I think I've only been constipated maybe once in my life. I can't even imagine hemorrhoids. Just curious...how do you prevent from getting those? Or are they something I'm doomed to get when I'm older?

_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

healthy 1's picture
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Runninggrrl12, you can get hemorrhoids at any age. I was 28 at the time of this story.

The best way that I know of to avoid hemorrhoids is not to strain while on the toilet. I have IBS-C, and would strain excessivley when I had an attack of shit marbleitis.

Recognizing the first singns is another plus. I actually started the early bleeding and itching in early 2004. I would get this every time I took Ex-Lax. I just thought that it was the Ex-Lax doing it, and ignored the little blood on the TP.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Fart Poopie's picture
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Reading this story was like reading every poop report ever written, compiled into one.

The first three paragraphs could be their own poop report if embellished a bit, but it was a good way to set up your hemorrhoid story. Just dive right into the poop talk. I like that.
I do question the authenticity of the story, but it's not a bad story.

C Everett Poop's picture
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I cringed too when I read this story. I am not a huge fan of seeing my own blood or shit but the two together, mixed in with some pain and embarrassment........... No fucking thanks!

I gotta go eat some psyllium husk now.

The Big Wiper's picture
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Hard liquor of any kind is a killer for hemorrhoids. I don't have them, but way back when I was working in radio, my program director apparently had a bad case. He wasn't shy about letting us know, either.

I remember a conversation I had with him in the control room one afternoon on his shift, and he was shifting his weight in the chair, looking very uncomfortable. Although I didn't comment, he volunteered that he'd binged on some alcholic drink the night before and now was having hell to pay with his hemorrhoids.

BTW, judging by many of the thread comments on this site (but not this story), I think hemorrhoid may be the most misspelled word in the English language.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

ghostlight's picture
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I think this story is true. My dad had pretty bad hemorrhoids for a couple of years. He ended up having surgery and is now fine. From what my mom told me of my dad's condition, what happened to healthy 1 sounds similar. I'm glad you are better healthy 1, may you never go through that again.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Healthy, here are some things to do that might help:

Water, water, water. Most of us do not drink nearly enough, especially if we are physically active and drink coffee.

In addition to the recommended 8 glasses of water a day, make sure to drink one to two glasses of water for every cup of coffee you consume.

Go get some psyllium powder. It's active ingredient in metamucil. If you buy it in bulk, its a lot cheaper. And if you find you need it as a staple, you want a good price break. When mixed with water it swells, forms a gel and this makes your stools soft, and stimulates your guts to push them along, like a train running on schedule.

And the good thing about soft turds is that they'll not tear up your O-ring as they exit.

If you drink the extra water, and take 2 teaspoons of psyllium powder in pint of warm water before every meal, This will really and truly make a difference.

I carry a small bottle of psyllium powder with me so that when I go out I can have it on hand. I once got totally bunged up when I ate a BBQ steak sandwich at a street fair and didnt drink enough water to wash it down and didnt consume a dose of the psyllium powder. I'd been having wonderful shits for two weeks, but after that sandwich I was clogged up for 2 days.

If you want a good break on bulk psyllium powder this place has it for $4.50 a pound.

http://www.sfherb.com/

Note: never try to swallow psyllium powder when dry--it can choke you. Swirl it in some warm water and then guzzle it down.

You may feel a bit bloaty at first because its bulking up your stools but I can almost guarantee you will have a better time on the toilet.

The stuff also helps reduce cholesterol and stabilizes blood sugar. Only caveat is it can interfere with mineral absorbtion, so if you need to take iron, zinc or calcium supplements take them 1 to 2 hours after you've consumed the psyllium. Same thing goes for wheat bran.

Happy shitting.

healthy 1's picture
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Thanks Anonymous, I have been on a high fiber diet since April 1996.

Alot of my constipation stemed from IBS-C, but I have since found a great remedy for this. The product is Digestrol. I also found that drinking Alkalive Green (http://www.ph-ion.com/index.) helps me avoid any oncoming constipation.

I will keep the psyllium in mind though. I am on an ionized mineral complex right now.

As for cholesterol and sugar, I am blessed to have zero family history with cholesterol. Sugar is a major problem in my family but, I am underweight and have been eating fairly healthy since age 20.
____
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

shitwit's picture
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Wow. I'm so glad I've never had the 'roids! This sounds terrible. I consider myself fortunate to have easy sliders most of the time. Although right now things are a little unpredictable with lil' shitwit #2 on the way. I have to consume about a suitcase of lettuce a day to keep things moving in a soft manner. I love to eat cheese, but I overdo it and suffer with the marblettes that are hard to push out. I've been VERY cautious about pushing too hard for fear of getting the 'roids! Stories like yours confirm that you really can push too hard!


_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

the log of hazzard's picture
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What is it with this site and manual discempation these days? (excuse me if I spelt it wrong)


_______
Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be last one)

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

SamDamnit's picture
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I am lucky to have never been consitpated or to have experienced roids. I used to work at a pharmacy, and the people that were buting roid medicine always looked so haggard. They looked like they would rather be buying a gun to blow their brains out with.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
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SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Cyanocobalamin's picture
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At least you didn't get to the point where you reached down and popped the hemorrhoid between your finger and thumb.
That hurts like a motherfucker.
I did it because I was THAT fed up with this thing that felt like a big glass marble lodged in my anus.

healthy 1's picture
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*shuddering*, I was in enough pain giving birth to a monster log, I think that if pooped my hemorrhoids, the pain would go of the fartjita scale to a cat' 6, and someone would find me on the floor in a heap.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

frogshit's picture
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Have you seen a gastroenterologist? Or is your doc a family doc? I say this because the bloody stools could also be the result of more than just irritable bowel syndrome, possibly Inflammatory Bowel Disease like ulcerative colitis or Crohn's. Also, you might even have a rectal tear. My brother had a similar experience to yours, with periodic bloody stools, and it turned out he had a rectal tear. Apparently, he'd swallowed something accidentally that he wasn't supposed to swallow (if memory serves, it was a quarter in his beer that he accidentally swallowed during a game of quarters; it didn't exit smoothly).

healthy 1's picture
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frogshit, I was reffered to a gastoenterologist by the family doctor. They could see abot six to ten hemmorhoids, both inside, and outside of my rectum (which as you just read, nearly wrecked me).

As you have probably figured out from this thread, I have always produced giant logs that stop up most toilets. The blood was the result of these giant logs scraping against the hemorrhoids, causing them to rupture and bleed.

I have had no problems since this incident ended nearly a year ago.

What brought them on in the first place was constant straining on the toilet. I have Constipation predominant IBS (discussed in another story), which causes me to have frequent attacks of shit marbleitis.

I have solved that problem as well, and have been IBS free since February 2006.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

jamiettt's picture
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I have a similar problem to those in which people have mentioned on here. When i go to the toilet and have a poop it is so painful to get out it makes me almost shout with pain. When i have released the poop into the water and set it free i wipe my arse only to find there is a blob of blood on the paper. What is going on, it has been like this for a few weeks and im hoping it will end my fear of the toilet!!!

Crapatoa's picture
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Have you tried Dr. Natura's Colonix kit? This will pretty much guaranty you won't have a "log-jam".

I'm just a "regular" guy...

healthy 1's picture
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Yes Crapatoa, I did the Dr Natura cleanse in February.

I have had minimal if any consipation since. I will always have the mega turds though. My colonoscopy revealed that I have a larger than normal colon.

By the way, I like your handle. It reminds me of Mt. Crackoatoa. I am into weather and natural disasters (see my profile).

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Crapatoa's picture
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Thanks H1. Thats interesting about the over-sized colon. That might explain why it causes you so much angst--comstantly squeezing volkswagons out of a straw...

I'm just a "regular" guy...

Will poop for food's picture
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Dr. Natura saved my life. Or at least made it worth living with wonderful, easy, no mess, endorphin releasing movements. I recommend the Colonix to anyone with "issues". It took me from a once every three days strainer to a once a day smiler and made every trip to the potty an adventure to see what intestinal garbage would be evacuated next. Highly recommend from personal experience A++.

Oh and I’ve been to Mt. Krakatau and it is spectacular. Not that many bathrooms nearby though as I quickly found out.

Fatso's picture
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Stop smoking and drinking if you have hemroid.
It only makes it worse. Drinking alot of water
pushes the food down. Over eating, gaining wieght, less exercise is the problem. If your heroids swells up sit if a hot warm bath. Get hemroid cream not the gel, hemroid cream shrinks the swollen tissue. Eat salad, fruits,
and vegitables. Buy Metamucil a healthy fiber choice just add it with water you find your self struggling another dokey into the toilet. I went to see a doctor that was there advice.
I got minds cut off and man it hurt like hella. I was embarresd at first. Ephew, I was glad that was over with. (I just hated when it comes to cute looking doctor looking at my ugly butt). lol Don't be scared, it's their job. Back in the days people were dying over
mutiple hemroids. Now there's a cure. Thank God.

(Moderator Note: Fatso, when you first start posting here, your comments have to be approved for a couple days so that we know you're not a stalker scat freak or something. No need to post the same thing 17 times. I'm getting carpal tunel. Thanks! And Welcome!)

Stop smoking and drinking if you have hemroid.
It only makes it worse. Drinking alot of water
pushes the food down. Over eating, gaining wieght, less exercise is the problem. If your heroids swells up sit if a hot warm bath. Get hemroid cream not the ge

healthy 1's picture
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Welcome aboard Fatso. I am a non smoker, and only drink during the holidays.

As for weight, I am underweight at a pathetic 138 pounds (and I am 6'2" tall). I am also very active, as I walk as much as seven miles per day, along with a slew of other activities. And vegetables, I LOVE vegetables, mmmmmmm good. I drink 6 to 10 12oz glasses of water, or organic fruit juice everyday.

I can relate with the Metamucil. I don't take it because I already eat a high fiber diet. My doctor kept telling me to eat more fiber and to take a stool softener. I could not make him understand that I have school bus size shits. They are not hard, just huge. My bowels will not empty out properly if the begining of my poo isn't solid. If my bowels get too soft, I end up with million wipers.

What caused my constipation was IBS (read "My Constipation").

It sounds like you are the one who has the REAL hemorrhoid story to tell. Some advice for you. You know about the fiber, but try some Fiber One Honey Clusters. They are good for the bowels and taste great. The warm bath, yes that is what I call the "sitz bath". I add Epsom Salts to the warm water.

The big thing that I believe stopped my hemorrhoids cold was, I did a Dr. Natura cleanse. I have been IBS free ever since.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

bkd123's picture
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oh my god! i couldn't stop laughing! im so sorry you had to go through that..that must have been horrible. i say go with laxatives. im really scared now!

chunky's picture
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Hi there, my problem seems to be opposite. I WISH I could have a big hard poop for a change! I am in the starting stages of roids myself but I'm pretty sure it's because of all the constant wiping to clean up. I just cant seem to get anything but frozen yogurt poops which seem to be a constant battle to clean up from. By the time I'm finished I'm left bleeding and in excruciating pain. As far as diet, I don't necessarily eat fast food all the time but I eat out about 3/4 of the time because of work. I do consume alcohol(vodka) in the range of 2-3 shots a night (which from reading your posts I will be quitting I think) I quit smoking earlier this year. I am at my heaviest I have ever been thanks to quitting smoking,eating like a horse and not enough exercise. (Which is also going to be addressed). Any dietary or medicine suggestions? I pretty much look back at the days when I got shit marbleitis or giant logs with fondness at this point. Thanks in advance.

healthy 1's picture
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Yes chunky.

Dr. Natura cleanse will help you out alot. This product is very redundant and requires patience. The price is in the $75.00 range, but is worth the time and money.

Another good product is Sonne's #7. 8oz of water MUST be taken with this produt, but this is another fine product. This has been on the market since about 1947.

THERE ARE MANY HELPFUL TIDBITS IN THIS THREAD. FEEL FREE TO READ THEM.

Here are some helpful links:
www.healthysales.com/SONNES/sonnes_9A.php www.drnatura.com
_______
"If December be changeable and mild, the whole winter will remain a child."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Oh my god it hurts!!'s picture
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I had been having INCREDIBLY PAINFUL poops ever since I was about 8 months pregnant with my son, which was over 8 months ago. I don't know what to do anymore! Everytime I sit on the toilet it sucks so bad for my bunghole. I have a really big anal tear, which I consider very different from any anal fissure that I've had before. I bleed alot sometimes and other times it is just a little, but the pain is pretty much the same. I know I have hemorrhoids because I've taken a mirror and looked at me arse when I am pooping and I see me bunghole looking very puffy and weird. It doesn't look like that when I am done, but man my butt throbs! Is it normal to have butt spasms? I know that is gross, but I had to find out what was going on down there! I have been trying to eat better and it helps somewhat. I am trying to drink lots of water (sometimes I slack off and that is when I really pay!) but I am also constantly going #1 because of that. What types of fruits and veggies do you recommend? I am taking generic Metamucel only once a day, maybe I should up the dose. I can't exactly go to the doctor to get this stuff checked out because I have no medical insurance. To be honest I am really scared with all the stuff about colon cancer. Please help!

healthy 1's picture
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OMG it hurts. I am not a doctor, and don't claim to be. Every climate has different kinds of fruits and vegetables, so I don't exactly know what fruits and vegies are in your area.

Read the previous comments in the thread. There are some helpful hints in the comments.

Motherload would be much more able to help you.
_______
"If December be changeable and mild, the whole winter will remain a child."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Fart Poopie's picture
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Zelnorm works great too, if you have the constipation kind of IBS. It's not a laxative and it sort of retrains your system so that you can, eventually, go regularly and comfortably on your own.

I've been on it for about 3 weeks and the relief is undescribable. I very strongly recommend it.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I have had your exact problem. Stop shoving so much food in your hole (the one above) at a sitting and then you wont have to take the mother load dumps out of your other hole. I dont mean eat less but eat several meals a day rather than three massive ones.

Wiper's picture
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A few years ago I (re)discovered baby wipes. Seriously. They are marvelous. Many brands are not flushable, so read the label, but they will help you through those dismal rhoid days when wiping is deadly.

healthy 1's picture
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Anomalous Coward 12/18/06.

I eat only one large meal per day. I have high fiber cereal and two cups of coffee every morning. I usually have leftovers for lunch, then a decent supper, but not huge.

I have a very high metabolism, so I eat several times per day. But like I said above, my colonoscopy indicated that I have a huge colon. Huge colon = monsturds.

No dietary changes, stool softeners, or anything will prevent me from having the monster logs. It is just how my body is designed to function.

I meticulously take care of my body, so well, that I look, feel, and have the stamina of a teenager at almost 30yrs old.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Pucker Up's picture
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Baby wipes are an ass-saver. I keep a stash in my desk at work.

ouchouch's picture
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Any advice on how to deal with the pain... I can understand not wanting to poop because it hurts so much - I have "indeterminate colitis" - not sure if Crohns, or just ulcerative. JUST!? As that is so simple. I started with excessive runs and now have inbetween constipation AND IT ALL HURTS. The "roids"... spelled in whatever method we do, make me scream, so much for a divorcee trying to have a sexual life? (sarcastic ( very sexy) I did find bactine is a good "spritz" ( after all, analgesic like "ben gay" just creates a "more acceptable method of pain" to make you forget the muscle aches. When going for dinner or to see a show, and a good add on for portable tucks. Beyond that, it DOES hurt like hell, and I really hate to have to scream after during and taking a shit. I tried vinegar... any other instant relief would be great

Recto Magnifico's picture
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Healthy 1: This was one of those stories that made me want to heave. The whole "blood in the crapper" thing, for whatever reason, makes me queasy.

I've only had roids a couple times, but never to the point of bleeding. They were the "external" kind that went away after a few days of Preparation H, and the part that will always be foremost in my memories of them is that "Uh oh" moment when you go to wipe your ass and think, "Hey, that lump is not supposed to be there!" and realize it's not a hunk of crap you're trying to wipe. It's an effin' roid!

Why, oh why, can't our bodies just work perfectly for 70 or 80 years and then we just die while having sex with our similarly healthy spouse? Maybe it could be sort of like a mutual orgasm, where you both go at the same moment....
Okay, maybe that would be a bit of a downer for the spouse, but you get my point.

_______
Livin' La Vida Caca!

Livin' La Vida Caca!

The Shit Volcano's picture
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H1, your story reminds me of my Dad's on hemmies several years ago. It was the spring of 1992 and a lot was going on. For one, Dad quit smoking and for some reason this gave him hemmeroids. NASTY hemmeroids that bled and stuck out of his asshole. On top of it, my sister was off to play for Euro-Disney and had to fly out of Miami International to get to Paris, which meant a two hour drive from our house in central Florida.

Dad was not looking forward to the drive. Several hours of sitting on those swollen, sore, blood-engorged hemmeroids. But, alas, there was no other choice. Mom refused to drive in Miami, they were too lazy to let Heather get her license, and I was twelve. So he drove.

Halfway there he actually soaked through his jeans. The bleeding was horrible! Mom happened to be on her period that day so she had pads with her. Dad ended up having to use them. Hemmeroids suck ass when a guy has to wear pads.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

healthy 1's picture
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Welcome back and Happy New Year TSV.

I feel blessed that they only bled when I would poop, but the pain made up for the lack of bleeding, ten fold.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I regularly produce 3 inch wide 18 inch long poops that are so dense that they cannot be flushed, even when broken up. I have to put on gloves, dig them out of the pan and put it in a sealed bag and out with the rubbish.

I know how you feel.

KnuxTheFox's picture
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Damn, that sounds painful. I'm glad you're doing better, h1. There are so many comments on this thread that I almost decided to leave it be, but after reading so much, I figured I have to comment and be sociable. It kinda sounds like you were practically killing yourself from the inside out... involuntarily, of course. I mean no one CHOOSES to have an irregularly large colon. It just happens. I have a friend with the same problem. He's one of the skinniest people I know, but can drop a monster log. And, as for the hot pepper thing, from my experience, if I eat a ton of jalapenos in one sitting (i.e. half a jar on normal instances), I'll produce a loose BM in about 5-6 hours. Jalapenos are my cure-all. And a loose bowel is much more satisfying than the equivalent of a cinder block being forced through a wedding ring size opening. I've never heard of the anal sphincter referred to as a starfish. That's a new term for me. And thank you everyone for leaving such great advice and comments...I learned a lot from this thread...a lot I didn't expect to learn from a site about poop stories.


_______
See that poo? That's MY poo! This is MY territory! Ha ha! So...go sniff around somewhere else, you dumb dog.

See that poo? That's MY poo! This is MY territory! Ha ha! So...go sniff around somewhere else, you dumb dog.

mysterious_nz's picture
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hiya, i was lookin for remedies for roid relief and found this site, story was soooo painfully true.. although i'm female and my roids stem from childbirth i've been living with them for ... omfg 19yrs.. sheesh i've heard the horror stories of getting them surgically removed and well i pass on that.. however, my roids only got worse after child number 4 and my lack in healthy eating and water drinking, now being 33 i've decided to go to war with my roids and return to eating a high fibre diet full of water drinking, although it will be hard since i'm a loyal coffee drinker...lol nice to know there are more people out there that suffer from shititis.. hehe.. thank you :O)

Crunchy Frog's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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That was absolutely the worst story related to shit I have EVER heard, worse even than the faecal vomiting! You have my deepest sympathies.

Simular situation's picture
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I had something simular where I was constipated for like 3 days and I really needed to go the entire time but I could be there for 30 mins and it wouldn't come out, after drinking lots of water, some fig juice thing from the chemist and some bran, I forced it out, I had blood there for a few days after but im ok now.

That was after having a really bad diet for a while, so I drink lots of water now (you'd be surpised at the difference it actually makes

anonomys2's picture
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Thank you for this information im only 16 and this has been happing to me for several months but iv been to embaresed to tell any one so i looked online and it was great finding out that other people have this problem to, I tried the Dr. Natura cleanse along with more fiber and it has worked great havnt had a problem since thank you verry much for this information.

MousePoo's picture
l 100+ points
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Your pain for our reading pleasure. Thanks for sharin'.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Wow, that story was like my story, thank god im not thre only one who has tears in their eyes each time thye pass the bathroom door!!!!!

compacted2's picture
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I have never exactly had full blown hemmoroids, but I have been compacted 3 or 4 times in my life. I can definately vouch for the fact that digging yourself out is both extremely uncomfortable and NASTY! Feeling for you.......

compacted2's picture
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Also, try aloe juice. Its mildly expensive and tastes nasty, but it keeps your bowels lubricated.

healthy 1's picture
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Aloe juice is great stuff, but there is a little known fact about aloe juice: when buying aloe juice, make sure to buy aloe juice made with the inner leaf. The outer leaf contains toxins.

remember, inner leaf good, outer leaf bad.
_______
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Red Hot Rectum's picture
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H1...Wow! That's all I can say.

You've just described my EXACT situation almost to the letter (at times I can watch blood streaming from my rectum during a BM). Your articulation of our situation is both accurate, verbally agile and hilarious! I'm still laughing.

On a more serious note however, I recently grew weary of the constant burning and itching (especially at night), and was beginning to become concerned about anemia. I went to see gastroenterologist (make sure yours is board certified in gastroenterology), who recommended banding in 3 separate sessions.

After the 1st session the pain is gone, the itching is gone and the bleeding is gone. The difference is night & day! I'll wait until after my 2 additional banding sessions to really kick up the heat (I love hot/spicy food). That'll be the REAL RECTAL acid test.

I'd really love to be able to down a plate of nuclear wings, without feeling like shoving a snow cone up my ass in the morning (BTW, it works but you don't need the flavored syrup).

Thanks again for your concise narrative! My eyes are still watering (from laughter)!

kidpoop0317's picture
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I NEVER HAD A CASE OF SHITROIDS BUT THEY SOUND PAINFULL ASS HELL IN A SHIT STORM

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Well, kidpoop0317, since you have yet to experience this in your painfully obvious young life, I will pray to the powers that be to visit you with such a calamity, immediately, and with great vehemence. Good luck with that. Oh, and you earned a "LAME".....nice.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

princess gossett's picture
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It almost sounds like a herpie outbreak. i am so sorry that happened to u. my cousins hemroid bustted and he had to get a shot in his brown eye. occhhhh

jacktuls's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I love my asshole, and try to take care of it as much as possible! If I'm bad to it, it will be bring down the pain tenfold upon me!
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TCB.

TCB.

Neur0ticism's picture
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I appreciate the help from people here. Currently at 7:06 PM PST I am hurting because of the chronic constipation and so to google, I search for relief, for help and I have found the place! Thanks a bunch. ^_^ Funny ass story by the way.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Every once in a while (say, once a month or six weeks) I get a dull achy pain in my anus. Sometimes it is right after or even during a bowel movement, but this last time it was in the late morning; my poop had been about 5 o'clock, so this was 5 hours later. I was sitting on my swivel chair at work, and sometimes I had to lean over on one buttock with the other in the air, and twist at the same time, in order to reach some papers or something. Gradually I noticed the ache, which was fairly unpleasant; it made me think I had agitated a hemorrhoid I didn't know about. At the time I was in study hall, with three students sitting at desks, so I didn't want to do something over; yet I needed to stay and get work done. I ended up standing and stretching, walking around a bit; at first no relief. The pain seemed centered at the anus, so I reached back there and massaged it discreetly through my pants (no skid marks, as I was able to verify afterwards). Finally, after maybe 20 minutes, the pain went away. Odd.

-Midnight-'s picture
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I am 15 years old and I know exactly what you were going through.Every time I have to take a crap I wanna cry cause I know it is going to hurt.I tell my mom and she just yells at me to stop talking.I get pains sometimes in my lower back area and those hurt so much they sometimes put me to sleep.I wish to go to the doctors to make sure there is nothing else wrong with me but my mother won't take me.Some times at night I cry to her telling her about the blood and she just tells me I will be fine but I don't want to think of anything bad.I try taking video games into the bathroom to maybe see if it will like distract me while I am doing my business but I have to put them down because I don't want to drop or throw my DS light on the floor.I have often told my boyfriend about it and he gets a little worried.I feel like it is important to tell people about the situation.I just hope it is not something really bad and just some hemorrhoids.

Fecal Coward's picture
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I had a small roid just inside my ass once, caused me so much pain to take a solid shit I drank milk with every meal to act on my lactose intolerance and give me a case of the shits. Eventually the roid went away and I was solid shit ready again!

burning grapes's picture
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What a wonderful story that I can identify with.

My hemroids started with 3rd my pregnancy when my doc prescribed suppositories. Seven years later, another doc prescribed suppositories with my fourth pregnancy. They didn't cause any pain.

About five years later, I had the opposite of constipation. I pooped many times a day, not exactly diarhoa, but very soft mushy stuff. There was no pain, but heaven forebide I don't make it to the toilet the moment I have the urge. How many times I had to discharge my undies.

I had a colonoscopy, there was no cancer, as the doc tells me, but I had bits of grapes aka hemeroids. Why didn't you take them out? I asked. He said since they were not causing me any discomfort, there was no need, as he so wisely told me.

You have a food allergy, he says.

I don't drink alcohol.

Fast foreward a few years, once, I got this burning pain from my grapes. I had a wedding to help, but I was wasted. I couldn't stand for more than 30 minutes.

Now, every now and then, the grapes flair up.I surf for all the natural cures for hemeroid, I coat a smashed up garlic with good active UMF honey and insert it into my butt. I take psyllium, fenrugreek powder, boil up whole lemon. I have yogurt with green teapowder for breakfast. My grapes are still there.

I tried Tea Tree Oil as a sauve, but they burnt me.

Can some one please give me a permanent cure? My grapes are 18years old.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I suggest you press and bottle those 18 year old grapes as they are almost past their peak. A few more years in oak and you should have a fine vintage.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Damn it, PD! I almost shit myself with that one!

_______
Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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well that settles it, i will never push to the point of almost blacking out again when I have a case of the marbles. I would much rather deal with my rabbit shits and million wipers than deal with 'roids, sitz baths and birthing all over again.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Jessica Lynn's picture
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Oh god...
My butt hole twitched while reading this. The adjectives you decided to use were amazingly funny, though. I found my self giggling quite a bit while reading this. I feel bad for your poor butt hole.