MAIN SECTIONS
MAIN SECTIONS
Stories About Poop Intellectual Crap Consumer Reports Fun with Feces Poop at the Office Techniques Travel Logs The Captain's Log Academic Poop Home  
RESOURCES The PoopReport Gift Pack Poop Culture: The Book The PoopReport Store The Skatole Shirt PoopReport FAQ Best Of PoopReport Press Room Advertise! PoopReport on Myspace PoopReport on Facebook  NEWS AND ADVICE The BM News Wire Ask PoopReport Ask a Poodiatrist Eternal Debates FEATURES Special Reports Movie Poop Archive Toilet Paper Survey Pooetry Comics Poop Contests MOVEMENTS Shameless Shitting Poop For Peace The Summer Stoolstice DISCUSSIONS Shit Of My Career Childbirth Poop Book Of The Shameless First Memory of Poop More... REPORT POOP Poop Forums PoopReport Chat Submit 
NavigationPoop Comics Our BuddiesLower left rotating ad most recent poll -- formattedPoop at the Movies |
 Plumbing The DepthsPosted 04.23.2008 by Bullroarer (44)
Back in the eighties, I was stationed at Naval Air Station Cubi Point in the Philippines. Lovely islands, surrounded by the warm, crystal-clear South China Sea -- truly a scuba diver's paradise, among other things. Off-time for Sailors and Marines there was spent in activities ranging from the sublime to the raunchiest debauches known to man, including drinking copious amounts of the two local brews, San Miguel beer and Red Horse Ale.
Anyone who has indulged excessively in any kind of beer, let alone beer brewed in the third world, knows what effect this has on the bowels. Enough said. One golden morning at six o'clock AM, I was meeting my dive buddy Charlie at the early boat out to Grande Island to do some diving. Poor old Charlie had unfortunately imbibed a particularly potent batch of Red Horse the night before, and spent our waiting time squatting on the can at the dock. When he finally emerged, pale but victorious, he alluded to ridding himself of about six gallons of ass-pee. Naturally I called him a pussy for succumbing and bragged about my own rock-solid movement that morning, even after several bottles of Red Horse the night before. Charlie shamefacedly reported that his cramps were gone. It looked like smooth sailing for the day. Forty-five minutes later we were happily gliding around a beautiful coral reef about ninety feet under the surface of the ocean. Charlie had his underwater camera rig out and was taking macro pictures of sea slugs. Finding a gorgeous and rare red-and-black one (called a Spanish Dancer), I swam toward Charlie to call him over. As I approached, Charlie looked up, saw me, and started making what I later realized were frantic shooing motions. Uncomprehending, I continued my approach, making "I have no clue what you mean" gestures of my own. Suddenly an enormous brown cloud erupted around Charlie, billowing out slowly and eventually hiding him from view. I made a hasty exit-stage-left worthy of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, backpedaling frantically to avoid the slowly mushrooming cloud of particulate. Anyone who's thrown a rock into a pond with mud on the bottom knows exactly what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, my pin-wheeling arms and legs weren't propelling me quite fast enough, and I got a good, healthy inhale. If you think you don't get a taste AND smell of what's in the water because you're breathing air from a tank, think again. The stuff creeps into your regulator and up your nasal passages through the back of your throat -- a charming perk to diving in a cloud of shit. Gagging, retching, and laughing hysterically at the same time -- especially at depth -- exerts a tremendous pressure on even the most elastic of sphincters. Alas, the force of my struggles produced a smaller yet equally toxic cloud of my own, leaking slowly out from the side of my shorts. This, of course, sent Charlie into identical fits of retching and laughing into his regulator at my similar predicament, which in turn caused... you guessed it. Many lessons were learned that day, not the least of which was this: not every cloud has a silver lining. Whoever said that was full of crap. Post new comment
|
Ad 1
Ad 2
Text Ads
Recent comments
Who's onlineThere are currently 1 user and 774 guests online.
Online users:Thong ad Highest Users
Browse content by author View some statistics Learn more about userpoints |
