Poo Poo Train

Posted 01.03.2008 by Brown Bunny (39)

I think that every person, even the Shameless Shitters among us, have some sort of fear of shitting their pants. Some people take this fear to abnormal levels. There are even several phobias --including Rhypophobia, the fear of defecation -- that involve complete terror at the thought of having to shit in public.

At the time of my "incident", I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, so shitting my pants in public was a realistic concern. Although I definitely didn't let it keep me from going out and eating large quantities of greasy bar food, as well as consuming beer and other things that are not delicate on a digestive tract -- a digestive tract that I lovingly call "The God of Wrath." Back then, when I first started dating a guy, I would always debate whether or not to divulge my stomach issues to him so he wouldn't be confused when I'm in the bathroom for fifteen minutes and come out sweaty and pale, and so he could possibly understand how a slim, dainty blonde could nearly peel the paint off the walls with the concentration of odor from one minor ass blowout.

This story takes place on the Metro in Fairfax, VA, and it follows a night of boozing and eating. I was with my best friend and my new boyfriend, and we had just eaten a dangerous mix of cuisine: sushi first, then milkshakes (extra thick), and then finishing the night at a bar where we consumed buffalo wings and fries. What was I thinking?

The train ride from D.C. to Fairfax is usually about thirty minutes, and there is no bathroom on board. Nor is there a bathroom in the train station that we were leaving from, so taking a last-minute dump wasn't an option, even if I had felt even the slightest twinge in my anus when I was waiting for the train. Of course, literally within two minutes of getting on the Metro, I felt some intestinal cramps.

At first I thought it was a little gas, until the cramps became increasingly intense. If I didn't know what was to come, I would have thought that I had appendicitis -- the cramps were that bad. I could feel a mustache of sweat forming on my upper lip. My legs began to tremble.

I leaned into my friend's ear and whispered, "Dude, I'm gonna shit my pants!" Of course, instead of attempting to comfort me, this caused her to begin laughing hysterically. I debated hopping off at the next stop, but by this time we were out of the city, and attempting to find a bathroom on foot at some random train stop seemed like a terrible idea.

After a few minutes the cramps subsided, and I thought I could make it. New Boyfriend could tell something was wrong. I told him I was having a "feminine issue", hoping he would think it was menstrual or some other mysterious female ailment. (I was somehow more comfortable with him imagining my period than him imagining me with raging diarrhea.)

After twenty-five agonizing minutes in which I had cause to debate the existence of a kind God, we made it to the Fairfax station. I hobbled off the train, my sphincter spasming wildly, elated with the thought of getting to the car and making it to the nearest gas station. We get it to my car, I instruct my friend to drive, and I realize as we pull up to the parking gate that we were supposed to purchase a ticket inside the station in order to exit the lot.

I felt tears forming in my eyes. I knew I couldn't wait any longer. So, instead of risking incontinence, I made an executive decision. I knew I had to release the demon or risk not only totally polluting an expensive pair of jeans but possibly alienating a guy I really liked. (Although, as my friend and I concluded in a later discussion, any guy who would dump you for having to take a shit is NOT worth dating anyways.)

I told my friend to pull over to the darkest, furthest corner of the parking lot. I told New Boyfriend to go to the station and purchase a parking ticket. And as he walked away, I grabbed a box of tissues from my car, ran to the nearest bush, pulled down my jeans, and had the most relieving shit of my life. My legs trembled and cold swear poured down my back as a torrent of acrid feces squeezed out of me like toothpaste from hell.

After one or two minutes, the storm was over. I wiped with the tissues and walked back to the car. I actually felt high from the release of pressure, although the smell was so awful and overpowering my friend was gagging from forty or fifty feet away. I felt completely drained and exhausted, my calves aching from squatting in my platform heels. New Boyfriend came back, parking ticket in hand, and I thought I had committed the perfect crime.

About a month later, I was out with best friend and Month-Old Boyfriend. In an act of drunken revelation, I admitted that I was seconds away from shitting my pants that night. He seemed unshocked and amused. He confessed that he knew I was having "ass issues" that night -- the upper-lip swear and panicky expression, he said, was a dead giveaway. He also had a hunch that I went poo behind some bushes, "like a little rabbit," as he analogized.

I was completely enamored that he could be so sweet in the face of such a disgusting (yet necessary) act. Almost a year later, we are still together. His nickname for me? "Brown Bunny."

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paradise pooper (51) -- 01.03.2008

I love stories like this from new female poop reporters. hope we hear more from her.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 01.03.2008

Darn good story, welcome BB. And so sweet too.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 01.03.2008

I'm from the DC area too - as a chick who has a very unpredictable case of IBS, the lack of transit bathrooms can be more than troublesome.

I actually had a very similar shituation visiting my boyfriend before I moved out here - we ate sushi, then had ice cream, and on the way home it hit. We traveled from Woodley Park to Friendship Heights, had to wait for a bus, wait ON the bus, and then walk a pace ... uphill. I was wearing my sexiest thong in anticipation of a very nice evening, and didn't. quite. make it.

Luckily there was a public bathroom on the ground floor of his apartment building and I could get rid of the evidence, but I didn't feel much like .... well, you know ..... afterwards.

Deja Poo (649) -- 01.03.2008

Damn. I ride the Orange line, which should probably be named the Brown line because of all of the butt funk that seems to get passed on the crowded rush hour cars.

So, which side of the Vienna station did you use, BB: the north or the south side? Or did you shit in one of the parking garages. There's nothing quite like a top deck dump under the open stars.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Gaseous Glay (117) -- 01.03.2008

Very good story. I will always be outraged by the the lack of public toilets in the USA. We are truly backward.

The Thunderous ... (710) -- 01.03.2008

Ya see? Turns out he WAS a keeper. I keep tellin ya ladies don't be afraid to rip ass and peel paint like WE DOO sometimes. Trains should have cans in them. Even a unisex crapper is better than nothing
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

daphne (3668) -- 01.03.2008

Awww... your name is Brown Bunny, one of my people. Have I hugged you yet?

At the beginning of the story, I was afraid that you were going to crap yourself on the train. Not only was your success at keeping a clean pair of undies nice to read, it was also good to hear that your boyfriend turned out to be a prince.

So, good story, but bad combination of food. Sushi and milkshakes? You silly wabbit.

Welcome to Poopreport!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

pnuttycorn (260) -- 01.03.2008

Awwww. Brown Bunny.
It's nice to have met a guy who isn't grossed out by your "issues". He sounds like a keeper!

In The Bushes (111) -- 01.03.2008

Sweet story, and well written too. I look forward to more from the Brown Bunny. Do people ever ask you about the provenance of your pet name, or do you keep it between you two?

Bilgepump (1732) -- 01.03.2008

I think its a wonderful story, but the name thing....I don't know..... I wonder if "Brown Bunny" isn't a reference to furry shit...I get that alot when the cat is shedding....BB, you wipe with a cat, too?

Brown Bunny (39) -- 01.04.2008

I was in complete disbelief there was no bathroom even in the train station in D.C. To answer a previous question, I exited on the north side of the station and the "act" took place behind some bushes in a far corner. I assumed people would think a hobo did it. Or a very, very sick animal. My boyfriend and I now refer to pooping as "making boom boom". My friend said I should have shit in the train station in protest of the lack of facilities.

HowleyKook (94) -- 01.04.2008

Wow what a sweet little “I almost had an accident” story. WTF? That was a real chick flick. It’s a good thing you were out with the “girls”. I would have slapped your little furry bunny ass as soon as that sweat bead showed up on your mustache.

Just kidding BB (I wrote that just to send Daphne off the deep end). I think it’s great that you can even admit that you crap at all, being a girl and all.

Hi Daphne…;)

_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 01.04.2008

Thanks for the comment Brown Bunny. I was wondering why you didn't make use of the facilities at the train station.

And I agree with your friend. Vive la resitance!

_______
Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

CC (not verified) -- 01.04.2008

Marry your boyfriend and pick 2 Poop Reporters for Maid of Honor and Best Man.(Daphne and Dave)

shitwit (571) -- 01.05.2008

Aw, sister, I feel your pain! There really should be more facilities in public places like train stations and bus stations. And they should keep these places open all the time instead of closing them for "off-hours". That used to piss me off so much when I rode New Jersey Transit frequently. I've pissed in their parking lots and bushes on many occasions!

Welcome to PR - hope to hear some more tales of IBS blow-outs, and overindulgence episodes! You rock, girl!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Cornbinks (9) -- 01.06.2008

Sounds sweet. The boyfriend, not the shit storm.

Hamster (581) -- 01.06.2008

Great story! Very good start to the year!

On the BF thing, I just can't understand why any man would be different about it. But then I know some of my fellow men are total tossers and should be surprised by nothing ....

When it Shits i... (47) -- 01.07.2008

Don't you just love it when you eat food that you know will jack up the system, but you do it anyway? I know a lactose intolerant person that will happily scarf down a large pizza with extra cheese, only to be screaming from the bathroom a short while later.

On the IBS/boyfriend issue, I'd say feel free to divulge it on a first date. Its not like your saying "Oh I just happen to have herpes with a gonorheaa/HIV mix"

Besides, if I was on a date with an attractive blonde, and she happenned to disapear for 10-15 minutes, I may fear she ditched me and I should just leave :P

Craptastic (6) -- 01.31.2008

LOL "toothpaste from hell" i love it! great story BB