Poop Sabotage

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Last year my then girlfriend invited me to a family cookout. We had been dating for three months or so, so I guess it was time to meet her family. I’m going to say right now that I don’t like going to family events with any girlfriend’s family because everyone looks at you funny. The dad spends time sizing you up, and the brothers make stupid comments about treating her right. I don’t enjoy little kids, either. If they have sticky hands it’s even worse. I don’t like cleaning up someone else’s kids, and I don’t think it’s cute when they do stupid stuff. I don't like holding little kids, either. Hold your own kids, and I will hold my own when I have them. The old people all want to tell me about themselves or what my girlfriend did as a kid. I just don’t care about this stuff and would rather be out with my girlfriend alone. I’m not a dick or anything, but I don’t like having family affairs forced on me.

During this cookout, which was on Labor Day, we were supposed to go see fireworks with her family and then cut out for a bar to meet friends. The entire day her mother gave her flack for this and made underhanded comments to me about staying around. She kept dropping hints, saying, “My girl has grown up, it seems. She wants to go out later instead of stay with us and chat.” I think she wanted me to tell my girlfriend we could stay after the fireworks.

I didn't do that. I agreed with her. “You’re right,” I said, “she is grown up now.” This kind of confused her because I smiled when I said it. Later my girlfriend told me she was expected to clean up with the other women in the family after the fireworks, and this was part of why her mother was now moping around. Her mother dropped a few more hints and I made myself scarce with my girlfriend. I must have really upset the mom with my uncooperative behavior, because I think she poop sabotaged me. That’s right, I think she poop sabotaged me. I don’t know what else to call it. It went down like this:

Half an hour before we were supposed to leave to see the fireworks it got dark and some of us started drinking beers. I found two cool uncles out by the fire pit and we started to drink more and talk. Around this time I had to pee. When I went into the house I saw her mother in the kitchen, and she gave me a sideways glance or something, but I didn’t think anything of it. She’d been giving me funny looks all day, since I had made the remarks that her daughter was old enough to go out and party or whatever. When I came out of the bathroom and went back through the kitchen I saw her go into the same bathroom. (There were two bathrooms in the house people were using.) When I went into the house later to get my keys to give them to my girlfriend (because I’d been drinking) her father asked me why I didn’t tell anyone I had clogged the toilet.

I was totally shocked. “I didn’t clog the toilet, sir,” I told him.

He gave me a fake smile and said,”We all make mistakes. Don’t worry. My wife says she went into the bathroom after you and found it clogged. Next time tell someone. We have a plunger.”

I looked over to the mother and she stood nodding at her husband but she wouldn’t look directly at me. I didn’t know what to do. Had I been completely sober I might have eaten the situation and went on about my business. But I wasn’t completely sober. I had downed four beers, and this was enough to loosen my fat mouth. “Sir,” I stated, “I did not clog the toilet, but I did see your wife go in after I came out. Maybe she did it.”

This went over like a lead balloon. I had accused the mom of lying. I didn’t even think of a way to say what I said so the clog could be an accident.

The dad's face changed, and he started to ask me a question when my girlfriend and the two uncles came in and said they were ready to go. I waved and got the hell out of the kitchen. I imagine the dad was going to ask me what I meant by my remark.

The fireworks were OK, and we drank more beer. Later all four of us went to a bar and had a great time. My girlfriend drove me home and I paid for her to have a taxi back to her house. She still lives at home.

The next day she told me that her father did not like me, and her mother said I was "bad". When I told her what happened she didn’t believe me. She finally broke up with me in December. I think her mother and father had something to do with it. I was sad, but then again this meant I didn’t have to spend Christmas Eve at her house.

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8 Comments on "Poop Sabotage"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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If this story is true as written, then maybe Coolio's getting dumped was not such a bad thing. Passive-aggressive mothers-in-law are nightmares.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points
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I've refrained from commenting until now since PR overhauled the site. I have to say I'm profoundly disappointed in how my favorite bedtime reading site has morphed from a pleasantly archaic, simple format to an overhyped commerce factory. Come on- hyperlinks embedded in the text of stories that take you to personal injury attorney websites? Dating website banners? Et Tu, Poopreport?

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points
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(I agree with FB. The old layout was better. Just because something's old doesn't mean you throw it away. But I digress...)
It's probably a good thing you're not with her anymore. Who knows what mannerisms her mother passed on to her, that probably wouldn't show up until after you were married.

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I, too, have come here much less frequently and commented only rarely since the change. The old format was much easier to navigate and more congenial for reading.

That said, Coolio, consider the girl well lost. The family obviously disliked you enough for (perhaps) more than one of them to clog the facilities and blame you. Find someone else.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Overall traffic on the site seems to be way down. At this very minute there is one user, your's truly, and 89 guests online. I don't recall ever having seen a number that low.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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Yo..Poolio! Get yer ass back here and plunge mom's ass! She's cloggin again!

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Anonymous's picture
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CoachB12 checking in again.On the old site you could comment simply by typing in your name.Now you will be an AC unless you mention your name in your comment.If Coolio was framed for clogging a toilet,who knows what other things they would have tried to pin on you?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Is the picture that goes with this story by any chance MMC with a melon baller looking for an eyeball to remove?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!