I don't have any kids so this might be a stupid question but aren't they capable of opening the door and walking to the bus solo? It sounds like it stopped in your yard, not 4 miles uphill in the snow. Good story anyway.

Maybe it is an attestment to your writing, but I just spent an hour scrubbing myself after reading that.

How old is your son?

My daughter is 11 and for at least the last 2 years she has been standing at the end of our driveway every morning alone to get on the school bus.

Many a time I have been on the shitter when I heard the bus come and leave.

CEP, Funny you should mention that. When I was a kid I walked 4 miles uphill in the snow to school. I also had to walk 4 miles uphill back home.

The only possible issue I see here is which side of the street the bus stops on. If it stops on the side opposite my house, then the kids need to cross the road to get to it. I would never trust that everyone would stop on the flashing lights. This being said, then I would consider age a factor. If they were old enough to cross the road without me, then they could get on the bus while I was on the can.

Yes, times have changed. I used to walk half a mile down a steep hill to catch the bus and have to cross the street to get on the bus. Then I'd have to walk that half mile UP the hill when I got out of school. This was all perfectly acceptable when I was six years old!! Oh, the stories I could tell about catching the bus!

But all things aside, I enjoyed your story. Clever solution to the fecal sludge problem - a wad of TP crammed into the extruder. I'll have to try that sometime when I'm not raining brown precipitation from my asshole.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Good story, I`ve occasionally had that soiled finger scenario occur when I`ve been on the pot and a delivery man has come to the door.

They think I`m some kind of retarded freak when I try to sign my name with the wrong hand.

In our family as soon as you can tie your shoelaces, you`re on your own.

Shitus interruptus is something we can all relate to. Just a few weeks ago I was similarly interrupted by (I kid you not) a chimney sweep knocking at the back door. You know the deal -- where you are told that the contractor or delivery person may show up anywhere between 1 and 4, and you have to wait around that whole fucking afternoon? I've found that sitting down for a too-long-delayed crap is guaranteed to produce an arrival. Afraid that he would leave before I answered the door, I had to execute the toilet-paper compression technique, and it was about 10 minutes waddling around like I was on a shit period before I could get back to the can to do a proper clean and flush. Nice story.

Did he ask you to come up the ladder so he could show you how bad the chimney was? That would have been a feat.

That's some kind of tight schedule that you live on. I would have just put my ass on the pot and then driven the kid to school afterwards. Late to work or not, a good shit takes precedence over all else.

You should have congratulated the substitute bus driver on such a difficult navigation and offered up a handshake.

BTW, did you sniff your fingers for the rest of the day to check whether you had actually cleaned all of the crap from under your fingernails?
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Retch your starfish? I love it.

Wow!!! there have been too many times to mention, when that had happenned to me. It seems whenever I am on the toilet, someone comes to the door to mess things up. After the visitor leaves, so does the feeling in my bowels to do my doodie. This potentially can lead to a bout of constipation for me.

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In search of the ever evasive BM

Lets see the lessons here are numerous. First of all follow your first instinks. If you think you are going to take a dump and it FEELS like you have to take a dump then TAKE THE DAMN dump already! Now with your son's bus a NO SHOW I would NEVER wait another 25 min before hitting the shitter. NO WAY. Especially when you have consumed a Zatarains dinner the night before. Too bad kid you're on your own let me know when youre leaving for the bus. Does your district require you to walk your child to the bus? I think most children are quite capable of walking to their bus on their own unless they are special needs. If his bus wasnt there at 8:30 I would be taking that dump at 8:31. Not MY fault she cant be on time. I would have at least instructed the child to signal the driver that he had to wait if walking the child to the bus was necessary. When that starfish is begging to let go you have to let it go.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Three years ago I was watching Court TV and a 15 year old girl got abducted from her bus stop in just this manner. She was murdered. It's probably because she had been picked, stalked, and the killer knew she was alone every morning.

I'm sure that you can let the kid walk out one day on his own if you have to crap, but good for you for being such an attentive father anyways. I'd rather read about someone being over protective than read about someone who doesn't give a shit.

This story reminds me that no matter when you go to the bathroom, it is going to be:
- when the bus comes
- when the cable man will show up
- when the phone will ring
- when your dog will need to go out
- when the tea kettle will whistle
- when you will think "Poopreport.com".

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I think the cable man has already arrived.

Sorry, I meant the cable has already arrived, man.

My son is 5, and my daughter is 6. The school district here mandates that a parent must accompany their child to the bus. Most days, I just stand at the front door while they get on the bus.

Even if it wasn't a rule, and even though I live in a quiet, somewhat upper middle class neighborhood, I would still do it. Maybe I'm just being an overprotective dad, but better safe than sorry, IMO.

Being the protective father of two young children in a world populated with way too many perverts and weirdos, what in God's name prompted you to take on the name "Sickman?"

Knowing what a 5 or 6 year old is like (brutally honest), he probably got on the bus and announced "my daddy just got off the potty and has poop all over his hands". Were the other children staring at you in horror?

I'm all for being over protective but something tragic could happen even if you are at your child's side.
Worrying about it will only drive you nuts.

Reminds me of an incident I had as a child.

I woke up with cramps, but being 8 and stupid, I didn't know they signified a mean case of liquishits. As I was waiting by the window for the bus I felt a cramp so I decided to fart, but instead released the dreaded SHART..just as the hot matter burned my buttocks and my face froze into a horrified expression, the bus pulled up..yeah, god hates me too. I got on the bus and sat in my own hot kid gravy. I stayed like that all day, noticing how it dried and itched.

You give me the "hot dad" vibes, despite a story about getting shit all over your hand.

great story, very well written. i almost choked on my pizza puff laughing reading this story!! lol.

I am amazed and impressed that a person can narrow down their oval office time to a matter of minutes on a daily basis. High Five!

Let the kid walk...

Gotta love the magma chamber and global cooling references. But then, anyone surprised by that?

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Born right the first time.