Ray And His 'Roids

Posted 10.15.2008 by Squat-n-leaveit (183)

My friend Ray. Dead now, so I can use his real name. Tough old bird. Served aboard the Nevada, the only vessel to get underway during the Pearl Harbor attack. Survived the sinking. Served on the Nevada until her inglorious end. Nearly done in by a nurse.

Ray and I were schoolbus mechanics. He was the kind of guy that had a cigarette in one hand and a wrench in the other. After quitting time, it was cigarette in one and a beer in the other. Good guy, good father, good health... Except for the hemorrhoids.

After several unsuccessful surgeries, the doctors were going to make him (as he put it) "a whole new asshole." Some major cutting! Out in front of the VA hospital, chain-smoking (going to have to do without for a few days), making asshole jokes, until he disappeared in the bowels of the building. After the surgery, he was told he could leave (as he put it) "as soon as I shit."

The pain was more than expected. Ray did not want to crap until things had healed better, so he ate little, and drank even less. Everyone told him that constipation for that first movement was a horrible, terrible, dangerous idea.

Days went by -- and then SHE came! The VA night nurse. An immense, cookie jar-shaped woman, face like a thundercloud, with a five o'clock shadow. She rumbled in the room like a freight train. And with a foghorn voice: "You're still here? Well, you won't be tomorrow!" She disappeared for a few minutes and returned with a mug full of hot prune juice. "Drink it!"

The man that had faced down a squadron of Japanese Zeros lay trembling before this mountain of a woman. Was it that potent, hot, sweet, purgative liquid -- or was it the fear?

The intestinal percolations were audible from across the room. The screams from the bathroom were audible from, well, anywhere. When it was over, it was hard to tell where the white sheets ended and the pale skin of Ray began; only his dark eyes and gray hair were plainly visible.

I was not present the next morning when the doctor arrived. I was told he had an evil grin on his face. "I hear you had a baby last night! Boy or a girl? Wait...!" The doctor held up a finger. "It was a son-of-a-bitch, wasn't it?!" He signed the discharge and walked out.

Ray returned to work. His weight returned to normal. After six months, the 'roids returned as well. After a year, he was told that more surgery would be necessary. But that's another story.

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ChiefThunderbutt (919) -- 10.15.2008

I can certainly empathize with poor Ray. I had my appendix taken out while in the Air Force and I imagine a VA nurse can be as intimidating as an Air Force nurse.

The ward I was in for recovery was run by a red faced, red haired tyrant of a Major whose obvious hobby was shouting at patients. My first day of recovery I was shuffling rather slowly to the latrine to relieve my bladder when she bellowed in her foghorn voice, "straighten up and walk faster or you'll never get any better." It stretched my stitches almost to the breaking point but I obeyed her order.

After having been convinced that her wrath was worse than a little abdominal pain, I made a speedy recovery and returned to duty.

I hold the VA in high regard now. I have my health care through them and they are wonderful.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 10.15.2008

Dear God,

I haven't spoken to you in a long time. How are you? I am OK, but you know that already.

The reason I'm praying to you today is to ask that you never require me to have hemorrhoid surgery and go through what Ray in this story did.

Amen.

phuchuebuddy (6) -- 10.15.2008

They told me the same thing after I had an anal fissure operation (too much wiping). They had my but plugged with some cotton and told me I could'nt leave until I shat it out.
With what little I had been eating in the hospital, I had no log of any great power to push out the cotton.
The little shit hurt like hell and I resorted to pulling the damn cotton out by hand so I could get the hell out of the hospital.

Logjam (2453) -- 10.15.2008

Hey Squat. Just wanted to tell ya. Love your style. Suited as it is to the blunt, matter-of-fact nature of the topic. Mimics the way an exiting piece of excrement snaps off with no warning. Then begins again. The content hardly matters. In the end, everything will be flushed. I'm fine with that. Sounds as if Ray was, too.

prarie doggin (2287) -- 10.15.2008

I have had multiple abdominal surgeries, and every time, an ass discharge was a requirement for a medical discharge. After my second pilonidal surgery, I begged my wife to smuggle one of her turds in for me.

Squat-n-leaveit (183) -- 10.15.2008

Thank you LJ for your kind words. No story is complete until it has been "dissed" by CEP, distilled by you, Chief thunderbutt reminds me that he is friend material, and bilgepump makes me roar with laughter.

Bilgepump (1732) -- 10.15.2008

What the fuck? LJ, CEP and Chief all get capitalized, but ol' Bilge is lower case...I see where you're going with that, Squat...my momma raised an ugly son, not a stupid one. Roar with laughter? You'll be lucky if I don't make you squeal in pain, ya bastard.

I like that word "squeal", it makes Logjam sweaty.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

pnuttycorn (260) -- 10.15.2008

BILGEPUMP.

pnuttycorn (260) -- 10.15.2008

My ex father in law has roids so bad he ended up in the ER with them. They did surgery and said he had a bleeding roid the size of your thumb down to the second knuckle. They gave him a morphine drip, and he was a trial lawyer, and the poor man was so whacked out he was trying cases (at least arguing his point) in the hospital bed.

Squat-n-leaveit (183) -- 10.15.2008

Must be Freudian, bilge. Hundreds, possibly thousands of hours have I spent, as both man and boy, putty knife in hand scraping slime out of a bilge. A fermenting mixture of fish scales, guts, dirt, diesel. crankcase oil, transmission fluid, salt water, and of course, shit, would assault each of the five senses. all the while wedged under an engine, or lazarette, prop shaft, or some other equally contortion inducing obstacle. Shudder!

daphne (3668) -- 10.16.2008

I'll have this surgery someday and am not looking forward to it.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

John B (not verified) -- 10.16.2008

You poor man. Why is it that all hospital involve pain?
I was in hospital in 2004, again in 2006 and it sucked.
in 2004 they told me "Mr Brine, you cannot leave until you poop" so with the help of some colace, I did. I made a black billiad ball that smelled like lilies.
The end

Squat-n-leaveit (183) -- 10.16.2008

Daphne! (note capitalization!) The assuredness of future surgery may not be. (excuse me for sounding like Yoda) At 6th and Proctor in Tacoma is a Bikram yoga studio. Try it once and decide if you want to take my challenge. In the story "healthy poo, healthy you" could have been shorter. Just do Bikram yoga! Not everyone, (much to Bikram's unhappiness) lives near a studio. Anyway, back to the challenge. Do yoga EVERY day for a month. IF at the end of the month, your roids are not better, you have not lost at least 10 lbs. your general outlook on life is not improved. I will pay for the classes. Either way, you win.

phatmanxxl (196) -- 10.16.2008

I hope I never get roids.

pnuttycorn (260) -- 10.16.2008

If I don't get this pinched nerve taken care of soon, I'll have the codiene roids.

sittingpretty (277) -- 10.17.2008

OUCH! I hope my little negligible roid never becomes a thumb!

PoopaSazon (15) -- 11.03.2008

reminds me of my first c section. I was so aghast that I had to fart in order to leave..I don't know which hurt more..the 30 hour labor prior to the c, or the heaving I broke into trying to pass gas..

La Petomaine (85) -- 11.15.2008

Oh man, what a tragic tale! Poor Ray. At least in Heaven there are no hemmorhoids, and the bathrooms are always pristine.

_______
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Squat-n-leaveit (183) -- 11.15.2008

Plus the toilet paper must be, well... Heavenly