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Crapola

Searching The Suburbs

Posted 03.15.2007 by Simon Rex (10)
It was years ago -- my senior year in high school. The night started out like most other Friday nights, with the only plans being to take in a show with some friends. I was in a work-study program at school, which enable me to leave early and get paid and also provided a nice fringe benefit: being able to hang out with people old enough to buy beer. Fantastic!

I arrived at James' house at about seven or so. He was a fan of Formula One racing and had recently been to Canada to take in the Gran Prix. And like many Americans visiting our northern neighbor, he had loaded up on a few cases of Molson XXX to bring back to the States. (Mind you, this was before XXX was being sold domestically.) But the Molson turned out not to be the only surprise of the evening -- he had also made up a batch of "enhanced" brownies. This would be my first (and only, to date) run down the brownie highway.

The plan started out with one brownie, two beers. One more brownie, two more beers. For good measure, how about one more brownie and one more beer? Perfect. Now it was time to pick up two more buddies and head to the show. Retrieving the friends and making the trip to the Tavern were uneventful, much like the band that played that evening. I continued having beers for the duration of the show. Evening over, time to head home. We decided to stop at the local donut shop, get a dozen donuts, and inhale them. Great plan -- I love glazed donuts. I polished off my three and we all loaded up and headed home.

Ten minutes passed, and then it started. It felt like someone had a hold of my intestines and was trying to pull them out. This sensation would last about ten seconds, but it felt like five minutes. I doubled over in pain and winced like I'd been shot. Oh, God! Please let me make it to my friend's house!

Everyone thought this was pretty funny, and laughed every time I doubled over.

As the car pulled up to the driveway, I already had the door open and was prepared for my sprint inside. In an attempt to remove any variables, I planned to use James' downstairs bathroom and avoid any squirts while navigating the stairs. I hopped out, ran in the house, and was positioned on the throne in about fifteen seconds. Made it!

I pushed a little and let out a huge... fart? Is this a joke? No feces to speak of.

My stomach did feel better, though, so I shrugged my shoulders, pulled up my pants, and left. I bid my friend a good evening and headed to my car.

In the driveway, it happed again, although not as severe. The pain in my stomach was back, but it only lasted a few seconds. So I rationalized it this way: it was only gas before, so this must be only more gas. So I stood upright, unlocked my car door, and hopped inside.

Ten minutes into the ride, the pain returned. This time, it wasn't subsiding. It was about two in the morning in a suburban area. Only housing developments. No McDonald's, no gas stations, and no IHOPs would be saving my ass. Soon I found myself not just clenching my ass cheeks together -- this time, my ass was literally eighteen inches off of my car seat in attempt to provide more sphincter control. If I had a pressure gauge in my ass, it would have displayed readings similar to deep-sea diving conditions.

The pain started to affect my thinking, and I started turning down random streets. Where was I going? Who was going to save me?

I soon realized I had no other alternative. I stopped the car in the middle of the road, put it in neutral, applied the e-brake, and turned off the lights -- leaving the car running would enable a quick escape, I rationalized. I opened my door, killed the dome light, and removed my shorts and flannel boxers. I squatted in the road and the hot foam escaped like it was being shot from a fire hose. All I could think during the expulsion was of some old man walking his dog the next morning and finding my present. Hopefully, his dog would lap some up. I chuckled to myself just as the last fart escaped.

I wiped up with the flannel boxers and positioned them next to the pile of chocolate cake batter in the road. I put my shorts back on and hopped in the car and sped off. I DID IT! No mess and no arrest! The rest of the ride home I wore a triumphant grin on my face, as I reflected upon the greatest relief following a shit that man has ever experienced.

In the years since this happened, I have been diagnosed with diverticulum and IBS. So these kinds of episodes are common now even with standard food and beverages, never mind "enchanted" brownies.



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Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 03.15.2007

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about being 18 inches off the seat. I've always been of the opinion that a standing or semi-standing posture provides the best bung control (not to mention relieving the pressure).

It IS funny to visualize a grown man doing it in his car while he's driving though-especially if the car didn't have cruise.

_______
Holy skid marks Batman!

C Everett Poop (673) -- 03.15.2007

I hit that pile of mud the next morning and lost control of my car, you asshole. I always wondered what the flannel boxers were doing next to that mudpile.

Thunderbox (890) -- 03.15.2007

"Hopefully, his dog would lap some up" ...hahaha.

I might have to start carrying a bag of my turds around with me to feed as snacks to some of the heinous local dogs.

doniker (1536) -- 03.15.2007

why would it be funny to have some dog eat your shit?

You really shouldn't get drunk and stoned and drive. Sure, I did it was I was younger and it was stupid. Thank God I never hurt anybody.

CC (not verified) -- 03.15.2007

I'm glad you didn't get caught with your pants down.You have to be careful not to stop under a light that has a camera.I can just picture that showing up on camera at the local police station." Hey Sarge,take a look at the shit I saw on camera one."

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 03.15.2007

HAHA!! I cant believe you shit in the road! How akward would that have been if you got caught.

Chuck (297) -- 03.15.2007

The worst puking episode I had in college was eating some chocolate chess pie and chasing the sweets with draft beer. Sugar and beer can create sharp stomach pain. I am here to testify.

I have a helpful suburban hint. If there is new construction or a renovation, most local codes administrations require an port-o-let on the job site. Should the sharp pain strike in a neighborhood, look for construction.

drivnNdrinkn (84) -- 03.15.2007

Great story. I've never shit on the road, but have relunctantly shit in the woods on a couple of ocassions.

Whaddya think was in those brown-eyes?

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 03.15.2007

It's amazing how many poop stories stem from the use of beer. Yes, I've heard some from hard liquor but beer seems to be a major cause of the shits. Hmmm. Maybe I'll submit a poll about this...

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

daphne (3695) -- 03.16.2007

I'm tempted to think the chocolate in the brownies made you poop, not the dope.

I used to make the most amazing dope meatballs. Cosmic spaghetti seems to be easier of a jump than brownies, but I like those, too.

Were you driving drunk and stoned? Or just drunk? It's amazing what we used to do back in the day, isn't it?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Pantload (74) -- 03.16.2007


C.E.P.'s comment was even funnier than the dog lapping up some butt mud. LOL


What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

DungDaddy (1386) -- 03.16.2007

Pot meatballs! Will try that this weekend. Daphne, you are a genius.

daphne (3695) -- 03.16.2007

Dung Daddy, if you do the meatballs, may I suggest making them in the larger size and simmering them for a bit so the pot bits aren't still hard and chewey. They taste better when hydrated and moist.

Also, if you use cheese in your meatballs like I do, I have found the cheese does not blend well with meat and pot - it's better to leave the cheese out. This is weird, because one of the other ways I used to cosmic spike my food was to put loads of it in my French Onion Soup, which is covered with swiss. Maybe it's the parmisan and or asiago that don't mix. Swiss tastes much better with bud.

I have way too much free time on my hands.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Toots N. McCrack (160) -- 03.16.2007

Meatballs! Cool idea! My old housemate and I always did pot-butter and baked it into anything, usually sweets. THC is fat soluable, so Daphne, maybe the parmesan or asiago (or I'm assuming a meat substitute) didn't grab on as well as a higher fat cheese like swiss.... just a thought.

As for the story, I thought it was funny. My bet on the bad outcome was massive amounts of SUGAR (brownies AND doughnuts?) and the beer. Pot tends to dry out things.... eyes, mouth, whatnot....

Best line(s): The pain started to affect my thinking, and I started turning down random streets. Where was I going? Who was going to save me?


_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 03.17.2007

Brownies and beer? What did you expect? That's a surefire combination for toxic farts between the sugar and the alchohol. And that would be the least of it!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

DEA (not verified) -- 03.18.2007

We have Poop Report on our watch list.We will confiscate your drug food and charge you.If you try to eat the evidence we will give you enemas.

daphne (3695) -- 03.19.2007

Can they be cosmic enemas?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Toots N. McCrack (160) -- 03.20.2007

Hey, poster "DEA",

Maybe you can answer this for me: Is it true that law enforcement has a new test to see if a person is high on pot? You know, the one that if they offer a suspect a spam burrito and they eat it, it reveals that they're stoned?


_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

MousePoo (150) -- 07.10.2007

That's one for DARE to make use of.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.28.2007

I have IBD myself, and I can sympathize. Stomach cramps and ulcers are the worst part of the whole deal. Unfortunately, I've had a bit of a relapse, and a few months ago they found a peptic ulcer in my stomach, of all things. Oh god, it's SPREADING! SOMEONE SHOOT ME! At least, those were my first thoughts. :P Some anti-inflammitory cleared it right up, though. Both during my original periods and my relapse, I kept having persistent pain in my abdomen. It would come in spurts and leave just as quick, and I would spend hours on the toilet going from diharrhea to constipated... NOT pleasant. So, yeah, I feel your pain, buddy. :/ I almost had to take a dump in the road, too, once. I thankfully was saved at the last minute by a nondescript bathroom which I do not remember the location of. GASP. PERHAPS IT IS THE LEGENDARY BATHROOM OF THE DAMNED. x3

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