Thats why you should always carry a pocket knife.

I can only sympathise. Us Brits, do have very poor taste in homely decor, not only that, but are very protective of the porcelain. Wire hangers however, are disposable. Its a shame, I feel, that your relationship went down the pan.

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like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

So you broke up with a perfectly fine guy because he was taken aback at your monster turd that caused you to vandalize his friend's toilet?

How very reasonable.

You should have grabbed hold of the turd and launched it out the window. Blamed it on a tramp if anyone found it. Yorkshire`s full of tramps, they would have believed you. You`ll know for next time, ICBM.

Top post Thunderbox, and so plainly true. Having lived there for 9 years, a can confirm that the place is full of shit kicking yokels. One famous person (worth research) is Jake Manglewurzel. He married his dog, and BBC2 made a lengthy televised bio of him. I think he is stil alive, Just outside of Elland. This guy replaced his staircase, with a chain of toilets, the result, (after hooking the whole thing up to the water supply) was remarkable!_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

A toilet fountain instead of a staircase, Baron? Unconventional, but sadly it doesn`t surprise me in the least. Although I live north of the border in God`s country, I work a lot in Yorkshire and Cumbria. The place is packed with madmen who don`t deserve houses.

What about the Appleby show where thousands of vagrants, pikeys, thieves and tramps descend on the town for their annual horse extravaganza? More like an annual horse drowning competition as they race them through the river. Scum.

Seriously, I know its bonkers, but its true. He also attached a BMX bike to his roof, to replicate the famous E.T. sequence.

North of which border?
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like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Hadrian`s Wall.

At Scotch Corner myself. Small world, big turds._______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

"After making one of my normative impressive deposits"

I feel you may have slightly misunderstood the meaning of the word "normative". It is not synonymous with "normal" or "typical". Instead, it means "referring to/based upon substantive moral norms". Hence a "normative justification" for X is something which seeks to justify X on the grounds of principle.

Just being pedantic.

For those of you who did not understand a word of what dear Chuck UK wrote:
Basically, "normative" pertains to the word "norm" as in:
"Wearing jeans on casual Friday is the norm as our office."
Normative statements affirm how things should be.

Traditional brit food gives me the sharts, fare such as bubble and squeak, and mushy peas, a few pints. But it's not big firm turds, quite the opposite. Maybe that's why? Brits don't shit big?

Pnutty, have you tried haggis? It's from Scotland, but you can get is in Britain. I cant imagine the horror scene that stuff can turn into.

Cheerio,

I ate haggis, and shit shepperds pie....the whole thing was just very strange...

PD, no haggis thank you. PLEH.
A sheeps stomach with innards and oats, EWWWW.
But I don't mind some spotted dick.
WHERE do those names come from? And deep fried Mars Bars? MMmmmmm.

I did a lot of drinking in Scotland (they were very accomodating), and was able to get blitzed enough to eat haggis. It was the real deal (not the tourist version) and it was not bad. Sort of tasted like scrapple. Or shit. I don't remember.

Did you bend the coat hanger so that you were chopping with a loop and not the end of the hanger? If so, I'm surprised that the porcelain was damaged.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

People.... haggis is the bong! is delish, ok, maybe a bit of a strange concept, but never the less, brilliant.
check this out:

Fillet steak, 3 inch thick, toped with deep fried haggis and black pudding (pigs blood), drizzled with a whiskey and sour cream sauce, served up with garlic mushrooms, and potatoes roasted in rosemary.

you wont shit for a week!

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like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Daphne, those marks may have been from the coating on the hangers, and should scrub off. I knew you were losing sleep over this.

BVC, thank you very much. I have been trying to lose 10 pounds, and I will tape your comment to the fridge.

I have no idea why my last comment was lamed. Correct use of terminology is, IMO, very important, not just in the interests of strict accuracy, but also in the interests of clear communication. I didn't make my earlier point just to show off my vocabulary, or for the sake of being pompous. I made it because I felt there was an important linguistic issue involved.

Good Lord, Chuck! You are right!!! The fate of the entire western civilization depends on you to correct the grammar of comments made on a poop website!! Thank God for you, Chuck, I don't know where we would be without you...probably in the hands of some pagan sodomite dictator, like Adolphne Shitler.

WELCOME BACK BILGE!!

"Normal" means as it should be; "normative" means setting a standard. If that turd was as described, I'd say it set quite an adequate standard, and ICBM is to be congratulated on it, as well as on her subsequent choice. Way to go! (Literally and figuratively)

"ICBM"!!

i get it.
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i love poop.

All words with “norm” as a stem derive their meaning from the very first Norm. As to the two words in question:

Normal. Norm used to call his little thingy, “Al.” So if you were “normal” you had a really small dick. Only later, and after the long reign of several poorly-endowed kings, did its meaning, by decree, change to “average” (in the Lake-Wobegon sense).

Normative. Norm’s first wife was Ative, and she tended very well to him (the word "attentive" derives from her). So originally if someone was “normative” it meant he got frequent blow-jobs. Later it came to mean “the way things aren’t but certainly ought to be.”

And through his unfailing wit, Logjam wraps up the importance of pointing out such minor points in an otherwise non-problematic Poopreport.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Where can I meet this Miss Normative?

As an ooze reporter, I appreciate the anal retentive obsession with words demonstrated here. The word "ooze," for instance, could describe anything from magma to mustard if it were not reined in and specified.
But, back to the story itself. It had me on the edge of my toilet seat (which is not a good spot for conducting most business). What a dilemma! How would it be resolved? The unflushable turd, the creaky wood by the closet, the scratched porcelain, the (ulp!) knock on the door? It had me reaching for my MOM to relax the knots of suspense in my bowels!
Well, the ending was probably true, but it might have been better to make something up. It was sad and unexciting that, after spending a couple grand to introduce the heroine to the guy's parents, they break up over a fine poop, some scratches, flower wallpaper and a smelly coat hanger. Other than that, I thought this was a bomb story, ICBM!

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No ooze is good ooze.

I love this story!! I’m sure it’s the English sewer system; it is not acquainted with American poop

Chuck UK, it was lamed because it's a story about poop. Think about it. It's a little pretentious to get all uptight about a goddamn story about poop.
ICBM,your story was good... that sounds like something I've been through. Usually your best bet is to find the lady of the house and confide your problem in her, and she'll usually laugh and help you out. I've been there.

I just realized you were kind of giving the toilet a back-alley abortion.

Great story. My ex wife is from Burford...