If everyone read poopreport, there would be no problem.

Kids, even dumb blonde ones, should be taught shitteracy as a compulsory subject at primary school.

If the author told the bartender of the other ship he was "doing his business in the bathroom" when she called, and he works on a boat, it's not at all out of question that she thought the author might be cleaning the bathroom. Maybe she's not the type to answer her cell phone while pooping and so his predicament never entered into her mind.

That didn't bother me so much, but when the author tells us he then later asked the bartender why she had called while he was taking a dump, I had to go back and make sure I hadn't misread the story. He told us in the paragraph previous that she had called to ask him to come over for a drink with the rest of the crew. Why ask her the purpose of the phone call when it was obviously to invite him to be social?

I'm sorry, but this makes no sense to me.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

My reading, daph, is that John Poo has a bit of a thing for this blonde, and that he hoped that bringing up the topic of his dump would get him somewhere with her.

This past Thanksgiving my wife's 21 year old neice was over my house and she said many things throughout the day that made her sound really naive and stupid.
But she is an honor student in college.

Probably the stupidest thing this girl said all day was when we were sitting around in my livingroom and an episode of the game show Jeopardy was playing on the television. One of the contestants was at -$1,400. My wife's niece blurted out "Will that person have to pay the TV show that $1,400?"

daphne, I reacted the same way as you; when I read that he asked her why she called while he was taking a dump, I went back and re-read the first of the story.
a) he knew why she called, she told him so when she called the first time,
b) she didn't know what he was doing when she called him. That's why it's a phone call and not a drop-in.

I also don't think it's that far a stretch to think that "doing your business" in the bathroom could mean cleaning the bathroom.

Shenanigans!

i agree that it's not that far of a stretch for her to think he was cleaning the bathroom. but i think the point is that even after he told her that he was taking a dump, she didn't seem to understand that "doing" one's "business" is another way of saying "taking a dump."

but i also think it's odd he asked her why she called, when he already knew why.

doniker, your niece sounds like proof that knowing a lot of stuff (i.e. getting good grades in school) doesn't necessarily make you smart.
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i love poop.

Lol, Daphne. Let me guess, that girl attends ARizona State, right?

I've always like the expression "relieving" yourself. In the old days they had "comfort" stations. It was a genteel way of making poop alliteration.

I also have to say that i really really dislike the word GROGAN. There's something about it that creeps me out.

ps, i had assumed that "doing ones business" was referring to masturbating in the head.

Here is something that puzzles me. Is it REALLY necessary to inform someone you are taking a dump. Now of course if your ass cannon is about to fire off a brown torpedo with a preceding fart, I think then it would be conshiterate to inform the party you are speaking with that that is what you are doing. But if the dump has hit the water or you are waiting for the next brown wave then WHY would you even tell someone that is what you are doing. The other thing is do you think that saying that to an attractive female be she smart OR stupid is a good thing to say? These women DO KNOW other SINGLE attractive women. What is to keep her from saying hey guess what this guy told me the other day. Noone ever thinks of these things do they? No. Its always the ditzy girls fault! I am thinking maybe here that the ditzy one is NOT the girl. Help me out here peeps!
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Things to say to a blond before poopin.

I'm taking the browns to the super bowl- I'm selling tickets.

I'm also dropping a log - better watch your feet.

I'm king of the can - bow before me

I'm taking a shit - bring me my newspaper

Damn!

Ye are clearly less self-centered than me. The most puzzling thing: why are you answering the phone with a clod of caca dangling from your tookus?

I can think of times when I've rushed a poop to answer the phone. I can't think of any times when it was worth it. Toilet time is "you" time - unless the ship's going down I say let it wait and enjoy the sitting!

You probably should have used a more nautical term, such as Captain Cosby is walking the plank.

...or 'dropping anchor'...

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purveyor of the brown note...

Merc, I agree. It could have been interpreted as masturbation!

I'm sorry everyone... I forgot to include the fact that the phone call I received from the girl in question while I was "on doody" was totally unexpected and not something that happens every day. Hell, for an inaugural poop story you can't always get everything right the first time!

Don't worry John. I get the same type of response when I tell my 5 year old niece that I have to use the bathroom.

Except she usually asks if I need help.

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Merry feeking Christmas and a crappy New Year to all!

Thunderous- I have to agree with you! The first thing I thought of after reading the line "Hallie,......taking a dump?" was WHY IN THE HELL would you say that to someone? Unless you are the best of friends and talk that nonchalantly about poop on a regular basis. In my opinion the word "dump" is one of the least charming words used to describe taking a poo.

In my opinion the word "dump" is one of the least charming words used to describe taking a poo.

Worse than "droppin a deuce?"

John, great story. I am a PA native, and half of my family is in the Pittsburgh area.

I can imagine the following exchange:

Woman 1: "I just had a brown baby boy."
Hallie: "I didn't know you were pregnant!"
Or if the other person is a man:
(Puzzled look)"Where is he?"

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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

I forgot to add one thing for Thunderous, in response to your question as to why it is necessary to mention that Mr. Brown is coming to town...

I used work as a barista at a very busy cafe. Some of us, before using the bathroom, would tell the others (discreetly) that we were going to poop. Why? Just so that our co-workers would know that we would be gone for awhile. We never said anything in front of customers, and frankly, we were a group of tighknit, mostly shameless shitters, so it was okay with everyone to mention it.
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

I was brought up by one of the best bathroom humor guys I knew, my dad. All throughout my life it was farts, piss and shit aplenty, and I'd say by age 5, I knew it all. I introduced him to PoopReport and he is fascinated to no end. This site rocks.

I still bring this story up with my co-workers for a surprise laugh... they still can't believe how stupid this girl was (and probably still is). She and Captain Stefan broke up not too long after this story was featured here (but I don't think they know that).

I always said I was going to talk to someone about a dog !some looked at me like I was crazy others paid no attention at all who knows what they thought??

It would be simpler and less jarring to say, "I'm in the bathroom right now; I'll call you back in a couple of minutes." She would know you were using the facilities, and you wouldn't have to mention the poop part. Cute story; and the girl's horror at finding you "took a dump" is comical.

Honesty is the best policy, rather than beating around the bush you should have just said; "Let me get back to you as soon as this gigantic piece of corn incrusted
shit finishes falling from my distended asshole. I am probably within two or three grunts and strains of completing the task."
I think this would have left little doubt as to what you were doing.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I need someone to take my station at work, I tell them "I have to take a short walk."
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Robocrap.....When you actually need to take a short walk what do you say? Excuse me while I go shit.

I'd explain it to you Albert, but you wouldn't understand.
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I am confused, can I hear the explanation also?

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E = M C(squared)

Sometimes when the captain wants me to take the helm during a cruise, he'll say "I gotta pump my bilge" if he has to pee, or "I gotta pump off" if he has to shit (this in in reference to pumping off a boat's sewage holding tank... most boats that I've worked on have a self-contained sewage treatment system, but some use a holding-tank system which has to be emptied every so often).

The way I read it was, why did you call me while I was doing this. IE, why did you walk up to me while I was doing this, IE why did you unplug the vaccum while I was vaccuming. He knew WHY she called, but he was asking her "Why did you call while I was doing that and not after I was done?" As a way of introducing a topic and making convo. He also knows she's not psychic and wouldn't know NOT to call while he was dumping.