This is a fantastic first story! I hope you have more stories to tell. Out of a one to ten, this story is off the scale!

We can only speculate how poor ol' Jay got poop all over the pillow.

I think you have a hit with this one.
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Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

Wow! Now THAT'S a sign you've really got to go...you crap your bed. I feel bad for you and your friends having to smell it all night though. That's pretty evil. I, too, wonder how one would manage to get poo on their pillow...maybe we don't want to know. Great story!

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Ha ha! Another great tale of the flaws of kid logic. I hope Jay (and you!) got over this in years to come.

My favorite line was, "Not a hundred showers or a hundred baptisms could cleanse you of this evil!" It has me snorting with laughter.

Still, I pose a question to all fellow readers. Why are there so many shameful shitters at camp. I never had a problem dropping a deuce in camp, whether it by my one ill-fated year in Camp Okizu or at family camp. What's up with all the scaredy kids? I theorize that it has to do with a kid's upbringing. For the most part, except for their aversion to fart jokes, my parents were very open about the bathroom. As a result, I was not a shameful kid shitter. Ideas anyone?

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

I totally agree with TSV about the upbringing of kids and how it relates to shameful and shameless shitters. I've never been shameful about farts, poop, pee or all 3 at once, and neither is my husband. Our little guy won't be shameful either. Childhood goes by so quickly and being shameful about pooping just takes the joy out of being a kid. As for parents sending their shameful kid to camp, they've got to give the kid some kind of help. Even if it's a bag they can crap in behind the cabin while everyone is sleeping and then throw it in the woods. Or check out the camp yourself to see if the latrines are even usable. Maybe the toilets are SO hideous that you wouldn't poop in it yourself, so don't expect your kid to do his business there. As for camping trips with no bathrooms available, they've got to prepare kids for shitting in the woods appropriately. It's not fair to your little shameful shitter if they didn't know how to get the job done out in the wild.

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Brown tidings I bring
to you
from my ring

I have a thought here, TSV. The latrine at the camp I attended for two years (my brother for four) had open stalls. My thought is that perhaps many camps have spartan facilities such as this. It might be the first time that someone had to engage in groupshit without the privacy they are used to.

I remember posting on the Forums that I once saw a TV interview with Bob Newhart in which he confessed that he could not use the open stall facilities in bootcamp when he was in the Army. Instead, he waited until everyone was fast asleep, got up in the middle of the night and did his thing. He said he was too ashamed to use the crapper out in the open like that.

Could be the same thing at work at summer camps.

I also agree with TSV. I acan vouch for this.

My dad was a shameless. I could go in and out of the bathroom as I wanted, he didn't care. Later in life, I was more embarrased to be in there then he was having me in there.
My mom on the other hand, all I have to say is the word poop and I get " I don't want to talk about poop" "that's gross".

As I have gotten older, I have become less shameless. My mother hates going to the bathroom in a public place. I used to, but now I am getting so I let er rip when the urge strikes me.

I guess I am now beteew "Enlighteded Shamefullness" and Shamelesness.
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Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

Excellent story all around. Funny topic told with hilarious original descriptions.

I too loved:

"repulsive odor so intense and thick it felt like it penetrated your very soul, and not a hundred showers or a hundred baptisms could cleanse you of this evil"

And even better was:

"we finally emerged from the tent, feeling all the while like we just climbed out of Satan's asshole"

Great work. Total classic!

I agree with The Shit Volcano as well. Go TSV!

Poor Jay. I used to be shameful too, and I can feel his pain. After a week of holding it at summer camp, I was more than ready to burst. I must say, though, that Jay must have had some awesome farts. As for getting poop on everything and then managing to sleep in it, well that's just a big WTF for me.

Anyway, hopefully now you've gotten over it and can get a good laugh out of it like we have. This is a fine piece of poop humor!

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I'm so good at clogging up toilets, I can make mine back up when there's nothing in it.

all around excellent story!!!! original descriptions about a funny topic. i really liked the bit about the hundred baptisms, and also the one about emerging from satans asshole. great, totally classic work!!! keep it up!

His dad wasn't contemplating hanging himself. He was thinking about killing the boy.

DUH!!!!!!
He got shit on his pillow, because he was scratching the itchy shit spots on his legs, while he was sleeping. The shit was thus transferred to his pillow.

Good story, Magee. Keep up the good work.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

Dave, maybe this one should have been called "Brown Bagging It", great first tale PoopLegs Magee! Had a similar situation happen where someone vomitted, absolutely disgusting, but it too made for a great latenight campground tale.

I made some inquiries with a few contacts off broadway, hoping to pitch this tale as a small production for same, I've been trying to sell it as "Jaysass and the Amazing Shitnicolour Sleeping Bag". So far no takers.

He got shit on his pillow, because he was scratching the itchy shit spots on his legs, while he was sleeping. The shit was thus transferred to his pillow.

I learned Monday night that I scratch my balls when I sleep. Monday evening, before going to bed, I made ceviche -- which involved chopping up habanero peppers. I thought I had washed my hands adequately before going to bed -- until about three AM, when I was woken up by intense burning pain in my nards. I had to soak them for fifteen minutes in vinegar for the burning to go away.

Lesson learned: always use gloves when touching habaneros.

TBW, I never thought about the open stall angle, but you may have a point that I would have never known about. The two camps I attended had closed stalls (I know, because it was a pain in the ass to flush all the toilets while the other girls showered) and it was not a problem, even with older bullies, to use the facilities. I would have been used to open stalls as well, because both my pre-schools used them so I had been using open stalls for at least three years. It wasn't until much later in life that I became accustomed to a closed stall, or learned that it is much more common in the outside world than an open.

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

I feel you, Dave. I have learned the same lesson, but it involved jalepenos and rubbing my eyes. That was a hard learned lesson.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

Ah Dave! Not habaneros again! When will you ever learn? :)

My cousin's last boyfriend picked his nose after eating a pepper at our house a few years back and tried to play if off for fear of losing cool points. He attempted to nonchalantly wipe his nose and not look like his face was on fire. He was more worried about the fact that we would know he picked his nose than anything. It's so sad that he didn't realize how funny and endearing it would have been to go with it full force and make a spectacle of himself. I like people who can be self-depricating, and this is why I like Dave.

I wonder if the dad in this story thought that his son's pooping his pants reflected on dad's manly-manliness and that's why he got so whacked out. I would be willing to bet a bottle of wine that dad was bemoaning the fact that mom didn't go camping. Nothing says "I really don't appreciate what my wife does" like having to clean up shit that Mom usually cleans up.

Poor Jay. This would be one of those memories that I'd keep in the recesses of my brain until that first time Dad had a full diaper at the old folk's home. I hear payback can be a bitch.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Now Dave!

Don't just leave us hanging (pun intended) like that.

You had to soak your hands in vinegar for 15 minutes, but what about the parts you suddenly realized you'd been scratching whilst asleep?

*mental image of a well-marinated Site Owner*

Fecal Follies, if you read Daves post carefully he marinated his nuts in vinegar. I kinda wonder if in preparation for Daves newest literary release he hasn't tried lining up all potential advertisers. I can see it now...Massengill announces new product line...ball douche, for those nights when things go horribly wrong, now available on line and from your druggists shelves, mention PoopReport and get 15% off. Dave, why vinegar? I think I'm gonna have some pretty weird mental images next time I have fish and chips.

Dave. Nards? Hahahahaha!!! I always called them nads. Nards sounds like a cross between nerds and tards. (Which I would love to see, actually.)

FF, I think that Dave was soaking his "nards" in the vinegar, not his hands, which might well be the funniest mental image I have ever had and will have in my life, hands down. (But not down there.)

Wow, Dave, you pickled your nards.
Next up, pickled poop. Who's up for the challange?

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Well Dave, what can I say? Everyone else has pretty much already said it. I think it's pretty smart of you to neutralize the acid on your "nards" with vinegar. That probably worked better than a cool shower, which is the route I'd take. Then again, sometimes the soap helps get stuff like that off. This is why I try to handle peppers and such with whatever utensils I have, and make sure it's off my hands after handling it. I've had bad experiences with peppers just like the rest of us; mine was with my eyes.
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I'm so good at clogging up toilets, I can make mine back up when there's nothing in it.

TCDF, let me get this straight, you wash your hands after handling peppers BUT you won't wash your hands after taking a shit???? So lets look at the ramifications here, your body must be covered in poop particles, but no hot pepper particles. Is this aura of anus that you seem to be wearing for show? If you want the ladies to think you are hot I'd reverse your hand washing priorities, and at the same time maybe you should cut back on the dressing up as a woodland creature.

SamDamnit: That was a hard learned lesson.

Believe me, mine was the exact opposite of a hard lesson.

Why vinegar? Because after washing with soap and water didn't work, some desperate 3 AM googling uncovered vinegar as a solution. It also suggested rubbing alcohol, which I didn't have, and a water-and-bleach solution, which seemed dangerous in that particular bodily real estate.

I think I would have gone with the bleach solution, not only would you have gotten rid of the nasty ball burn but you could then have been sporting platinum pubes. You see all these men out and about sporting dyed hair, this is new ground you could have been breaking Dave, I'm sure it would even resemble an inverted Don King on closer inspection (not that I care to be the inspector, not that there's anything wrong with that).

This is damned fine writing, Mr. Magee. Funny, expressive, and articulate. I'll bet you were always the teacher's pet in English class.

Holy Shit, this is one of the funniest posts on this site that I have read. I was laughing so hard I was crying and now my side hurts like hell. Nothing is funnier than a little kid pooping his pants in front of all his friends.......and his dad.

Bravo!!!! Keep up the good work!!

Excellent use of hyperbole. Also it made me laugh hard enough to wake up my husband.

*applause*

SamDamnit: That was a hard learned lesson.

Dave: Believe me, mine was the exact opposite of a hard lesson.

Right. I should have said "nard lesson".
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

Dave, you should just be glad that you kept your hands to yourself in your sleep. If it had been MRS DAVE that you had inadvertently touched in the middle of the night with your hot little fingers, then I would say that your nards would have suffered much more trauma than they did at your own hands.
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Always looking out for number two!

Quality story, I just burst out laughing at this point:

[ "WHOOOOOO WHEEEEE! Smells like someone shit their pants!"

I could not contain my laughter at this ironic twist. I tried to stifle my giggles as Jay responded, "Uh, Dad, I did."]

good writing, keep it up ^^

Thanks for all the positive feedback everyone. Makes me feel good to know i made some people laugh.

Who was embarassed about shitting at scout camp? Pooping was a great source of pride for tropp # 712- We had contests. Farting was even better! Especially when someone had a lighter. Actually, I'm suprised we only lit four tents on fire the whole time I was in Scouts...

Ah the fond memories of scout camp. My son has just started cub scouts soon he too will experience all the fun times and laughter.
Dave I think you can start something new
"Dave's Super Hot Pickled Nards"
Bet they would sell great next to the pickled pigs feet in the store. Don't want to imagine what it will look like though or even taste like for that matter. EWWWWWWWWWWW.

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No one is the same after I release my Methane!

fantastic. Freaking fantastic

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Mamma always said life is like a box of laxatives. You never know what your gonna shit...

So peppers and balls dont mix. Interesting. I think I may have just discovered the cure to keep my husband from constantly scratching his balls and sniffing his fingers! Thanks again to Poop Report!**********************************************
Mamma always said life is like a box of laxatives. You never know what your gonna shit...

the story was good, but man the dave catching his nards on fire (figuratively) post, that really got me