The Dedicated Camper

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I ran into my friend's bathroom and sat myself down on the can. It was not such a crapping emergency that as soon as I sat I exploded -- I had exactly one second. And in that second I put the garbage can in front of my face because I was sure I needed to puke, too. Then it hit: a small solid nugget plug like fired out of a musket, followed by a lot of goo and gas. I was sure there was so much that it shot out between the toilet and toilet seat. It was so loud and obnoxious I was also sure that Pete and my friend's sister heard it -- there is no way they could not have. What else was there to do but laugh? So I did. I let out a big laugh, and about halfway through the laugh it hit me.

I have never in my life had a simultaneous evacuation. It felt like I was being pulled inside-out from both ends. This continued on and off for about twenty minutes or so. When I was finally able to clean up a bit, flush a few times, and open the window without worry of having to sit down again or hold a can to my face, I stood. I just about passed out and fell over -- I was so drained from the experience that I had to use my hands on the wall to walk myself to the kitchen.

As I had suspected, my friends had both heard my experience. They asked if I was okay, and I could only reply with a no, because seriously, I was not. I slept for the rest of the afternoon, getting up a few more times to hit the can. Luckily I did not have to puke anymore.

The last thing on my mind was that in less that twenty-four hours I would be on a five-day trip in the mountains, including a twenty-two kilometer hike into base camp with a seventy-pound pack on my back. I assured my friend (who at by this time had alerted the other hiking partners to my situation) that I would not be missing a trip that had been planned for months -- not for this I wasn't.

After I was rested enough to stand and sure that I could spend at least twenty minutes away from a toilet, my friends drove me home. I spent until three AM getting up every half-hour to drip out stomach acid from my poor destroyed O-ring.

This was going to make for an awesome trip.


My alarm went off at five AM as planned. The morning was not getting off to a good start. Nearly twenty hours without food or even water had taken its toll on me. I had barely enough strength to lift my gear, let alone think about marching out as far as I needed to that day. Pete picked me up, and we made our way to the store where we were meeting our friends.

We got there a bit early, so I went inside and bought some water and a little tub of trail mix. I was hopeful that I could keep some food down, and that this trail mix would be healthy enough as to not cause any adverse effects. I still had a horrible feeling in my stomach -- not sick so much as just pain. Eating solid food, however, didn't bring back the sick.

I reassured all my friends that I was not going to wuss out.

And I didn't. About three-fourths of the way along the base camp hike I regained my appetite and started eating again. When we arrived we set up tents, and I ate an IMP.

I will stop the story at this point to tell you about IMPs. I have a background with Army Cadets as well as a lot of friends currently serving in the armed forces, so I am no stranger to Canadian IMPs. Just like American MREs, Canadian military food is ideal for camping and hiking -- it is pre-packaged and ready to eat, requiring no cooking nor even any water. Just open and eat. They are packed with calories -- one Canadian IMP contains enough energy to sustain you for one whole day. I had packed enough to eat two a day -- one for breakfast and one for dinner.

Anyone who has been in the military or read this site knows that IMPs and MREs pretty much stop your digestive system right in its tracks.

There at the base camp, the IMP did not go down easily. It caused a lot of cramps, gas, and general discomfort in my stomach. But because I was so worn out from the hike, I promptly fell asleep.

I woke up to the hot morning sun cooking me inside my tent -- not the feeling I needed to wake up to.

The hike that day was kept simple for my benefit -- we explored close to camp and came back for the evening. No mountain climbing today. Over the course of the day I regained my old composure, my appetite, and my strength by eating properly, although it was a fight to do so.

It was not until the third day that things started feeling heavy. Though IMPs were designed to make a person hold out under normal conditions, I really doubt they were tested for my circumstances. On that third day we made a long hike and discovered a really great glacial stream. It was getting close to thirty degrees Celsius outside (86ยบ F), and the ice-cold glacial stream was welcomed with open arms and open Nalgine bottles. That is when I realized that the grogan beast growing in my stomach wanted to be birthed.

I let the group know, grabbed my toilet paper, and went off a ways from the stream so that I could do my thing. What I gave birth to out there was probably the largest and most discolored turd I have ever dropped. It was about eight inches long and equivalent in girth to a soda can. The thing that made it special: it was half-and-half colored. The first half was black, pitch black -- then it abruptly changed to a normal brown.

I am never really one to stare at my own work. I usually have a look and flush it away. But because this was in the bush, out in the open, and not going anywhere, I stared at it for a time, wondering if maybe I had some internal damage from being so sick.

I alerted my friends to my new child and expressed my concern. One of the guys said that the black color was probably my body's way of flushing out all the contaminants in my system after being so sick. Everyone else agreed, and that is where I let it rest.

The rest of my trip went normally. After that poop I felt infinitely better, even better than I did before I got sick. The IMPs did their work and kept me going through the rest of the trip. For me, the poop story ends there.

But this saga does not. You see, my perfectly healthy friend Pete was on the exact same diet I was. And the IMPs were doing to him exactly what they were supposed to do.

We returned back from the hiking trip and the day of rest passed. The next day, I asked Pete up if he gotten rid of his IMPs yet. Nope.

One week later he had still not gone.

We were on a trip to Vancouver, stopped for food in a city called Kamloops, when it hit. We had just gotten our meals and had started to eat when Pete abruptly stopped, looked at me, and uttered, "It's time." He got up and left the table. The dude was gone for about twenty minutes.

I had just finished eating my meal when Pete walked back to the table, his face beet red, laughing hysterically. I asked him what was so funny. "Go have a look for yourself," he said. I knew that whatever he had done would probably require us to pay and leave the restaurant immediately. So I decided to have a look before we made our exit.

Upon opening the men's room door, I noticed water on the floor pooled around the only stall in the washroom. I peaked around the door. What I saw amazed me.

My friend Pete is not a big guy -- maybe five foot two and 130 pounds soaking wet. This guy produced something that I can only equate to a NFL football-sized (and shaped!) turd. Not only that, but it had its own unique tannish-manila color to it. And, surprisingly for something that size, it was floating in water that was up to the rim of the toilet.

I started to laugh as I made my way back to the table. We had a good chuckle at the Godzilla turd that my friend produced and planned to make our exit. But we felt bad for the poor bastard who would have to deal with it. So we wrote "Sorry" on a napkin in black felt pen, took the napkin into the stall, placed it on the lid of the toilet, hoped he'd see the humor in the situation, and made our exit. Life went back to normal.

34 Comments on "The Dedicated Camper"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Nicely done. First funny story in a while! I concur on MREs too. They turn to gut concrete and build a dam after you eat them. Too bad you didn't have a camera for that football turd.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Very well done first story. Out of a 0 to 100, I give this one an easy 100.

What exactly is in the MRE's that makes cinder block turds? What are MRE's made of?

I look forward to more of your stories.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

ghostlight's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I laughed during a lot of this story, good job Canada Mike. I have a brother in the military (also named Mike, and we're Canadians)He has a few stories of what the IMPs do to your system, but this was a better story.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

The thinking on MRE's must be that a soldier can still fight all bunged up. But it's a different matter when he's got his pants down all the time leaking like a hose. That soldier is down for the count.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Lincoln's Log's picture

Was the football turd an NFL ball or CFL ball?

Mr Brown's picture

That was an awesome story. You're pitch black poop could be a result of blood. I hope I never eat MREs again...

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Canada Mike, you rock. Stick around will you?

Shit monster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Healthy 1, I have no idea what MRE's are made of, but they are supposed to be good for you. My dad was in the military once and he has some friends in the military, and he got some MRE's once, I tried them, and they were not bad at all, I LIKED them, and i am probably the most picky eater in this whole fuckin world!


_______
Turd Terrorist

(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Great story Mike. I guess the reasoning behind MREs and IMPs is a tactical military one, in that they have a final last ditch weapon to unleash when all the ammo has run out.

Goes like this:

"Men: drop rifles. Form ranks, rear to the enemy. Drop trousers. Bend over. Fire butt mortars."

The voice of sanity

La Petomaine's picture
l 100+ points

Sounds like IMPS could be used to win the current war. Just provide them to the enemy troops!

_______
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Canada Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thanks all, I am glad everyone liked it.
I have been a LONG time reader, but had never submited a story until now. This story was a lot longer, and required some editing to be able to fit. Mostly it was all the work up to how I got sick. I will just say it rymes with Blarby's.
Yep, pretty much the reason behind MRE's stopping you up is because in combat, there are obviously some times when it is not an opertune time to need to go.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

I wonder if IMPs and MREs could be used in place of ass mints (immodium tabs) in times of extreme diarrhea? Although I can't imagine wanting to stop up the drain for that long....

Great first story Canada Mike! Can't wait to read more from you! Please stick around!


_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Grogan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

MRE's have a man made chemical introduced to them to act exactly the opposite of a laxative. You dont want your fighting troops to have to stop and dump in a combat zone. I've survied on those for a couple of weeks and Ill tell you what. Its worse than a percocet poop when the time comes.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Wow, great story, Canada Mike! My brother-in-law is in the Army and he brings back MREs every now and then for my sister to eat. She loves the things. I personally think they're calorie-enriched and designed to sustain you for a long time. I doubt there's any fiber in them, so that's probably why they bung you up so badly. I loved the "Sorry" napkin...that's awesome. I feel bad for the employee who had to clean that bathroom. It probably involved a garbage bag and some heavy duty gloves.

_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

I have a friend who was in the Army. He told me a story about an overwhelming urge to poop while doing manuvers. His Sargent told him to shit in his pants if he didn't want to get shot. He had to walk around for 12 hours with shitty pants on.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

the log of hazzard's picture
l 100+ points

Great reading material for someone craving a laugh. I liked this tale very much and wish you could have took a photo.

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

poops mcghee's picture

Great Story! I laughed quite hard at both parts. If you took pepto during your illness, that will turn your poop black. Scared the hell out of me the first time I did that!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

healthy1, the "brick-inducing hell" of MRE's is the lack of fiber.

What you get is one dish.....it can be "meat loaf" or "burrito" or EVEN "vegetarian burrito". It can be "turkey with noodles". This may sound innocuous, but it has to be able to last for like, 2 year on the shelf and I think 5 to 9 years on off.

Along with this you'll get
:powdered grape stuff - for flavoring water
:either peanut butter or cheese whiz - to go on your.......
:cracker - it's a big assed cracker, very yummy, too. I love them.
Then, there's
:toilet paper
:matches
:Chicklets-type gum
:instant coffee
:coffee creamer
:dried fruit - the pear is really good
:desert - M nd M's, Twix, something like that. My favorite is "OATMEAL COOKIE BAR". The oatmeal cookie bar is this chocolate-covered bar that tastes great. It should be marketed.
:this little chemical thing that, if you stick the main course into it with some water up to the fill line, creates a chemical reaction, boiling affect, heater. It's good for fifteen minutes of heat.
:there's also jam or spread for the cracker

I can't think of what I'm missing.

The whole MRE is supposed to make you have enough calories for an entire day. This is why the rangers fight for the peanut butter packets instead of the cheese whiz ones. My ranger friends kept them in their helmets to keep them warm and maleable and that the peanut butter has gotten them throught days without food.

The wasted calories on drink mixes were the main complaint with much of the army a few years ago. Why waste calories on "cocoa flavored product" or "grape drink" when you could give a few more peanut butter or cracker packets and instead of the grape drink, and do what the German army does, which is put a "potable" tablet into each and every MRE?

The potable tablet makes something like a few quarts of water drinkable. And I mean nasty water. Not shit water, but water that might not be drinkable instead is now OK to ingest, because, like, YOU'RE AT WAR.

I never did get this with the MRE's of the US army. Maybe there was a purpose of the calories in the "grape drink", but to be honest, I'd rather see those calories go towards something with fiber.

In all honesty, ever couple of years the MRE dishes are up for review. I don't know why no one has ever said "Can we have more drinkable water with a tablet and less drink stuff?"

Then again, I've never been in battle. Yeah, that's it. I've never had to to eat this things because they were keeping me alive. Who knows?

Maybe those MRE's are made to bind you so you don't shit and tell your enemy that you're nearby because you shat, even if you covered it, because it still stinks.

Unless someone fesses who's been in combat, we'll never know. So, please, any soldier, tell us how these things do in the real deal......


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

MREs never clog me up, but they do slow things down a bit. I am suere that plenty of soldiers complain about them, but that is par for the course. You can bet your ass that they woul prefer them to the C-rations there predecessors had to eat.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

daph, that was as interesting a lecture as Kelly McGillis could have given to the boys in 'Top Gun.' Okay, so she was talking about mach one and wing span and stuff like that. But that essay of yours on MRE's was well-presented and documented.

Now, when is our pop quiz?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Dookie Howser, MD's picture

I like that you scribbled out an apology for your floating turd to the next stall user. Who said manners was dead?

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points

Big Wiper, I have to say it ...

I read that as "poop quiz".


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Fecal Follies: that's because PR rewires your brain. Heh.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

I eat the MRE's often enough. I only eat the spagetti with meat sauce and I have no problems.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Poonanza not logged in's picture

The only time I ever ate MREs as a staple was warrior week in basic training. We ate 3 a day, but I can't remember if it stopped us up. Then again, we weren't dooking very often anyway cuz basic stops you up cold.

Then when I was in the Middle East, (why I've been gone for the past 4 months) we didn't need em, cuz we had a chow hall. But we'd sneak one off our airplane every once in a while. There was always a box of them somewhere.

KnuxTheFox's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I've never had IMPs, but I'd presume they are identical to our MREs. I was not directly involved in military service, but was indirectly as a military dependant. I've had practically every kind of MRE available circa 1994...I know there are a lot more available these days. Your results sound pretty normal to me. A normal diet of MREs would produce rock-hard neigh impassable BM, but lucky for you, you had a bit of steam in your gullet to back this shadowy warrior. The black end is to be expected, and the buildup of yellow bile from your stomach lightened and most likely loosened the back half of the load. As for your friend, he's lucky he was able to free that beast. I've had a compacted bowel...it's not fun. Not fun at all.


_______
See that poo? That's MY poo! This is MY territory! Ha ha! So...go sniff around somewhere else, you dumb dog.

See that poo? That's MY poo! This is MY territory! Ha ha! So...go sniff around somewhere else, you dumb dog.

MousePoo's picture
l 100+ points

Maybe it's the perservatives in them that makes MRE's poop blockers. They do last for years. I've never had any problems. The peanut butter and huge cracker rocks. And I love the tiny Tobasco bottle.

Sgt Rok's picture

Having spent 10 years in the army I can honestly say that some of the mess halls chow has "messed me up" more than the MRE's did.
The MRE is not designed to block you up .. but will slow down your digestion of nutrients thus delaying the 'daily constitutional'.
I've spent 2 weeks in the woods living on MRE's (and a stash of oreos) and I can honestly say that your 'daily constitutional' will become at the least an every other day occurence, usually at night or, at the most, every 3rd morning, usually when you've just finished walking to the other side of the camp and then you have to go.... NOW !!!!. But I have never been completely blocked up by them for any prolonged amount of time. (not even a 3 day ... I usually get the every other day syndrome)

W. Gardner's picture

I'm an old pooper having spent 5 tours in Nam. Back then, we ate (at times) the old WWII canned meals and also the (back then) new can items. So this may not qualify as me being an expert on MRE's. What we ate back then never bothered anybody I knew or met on night patrols. After military service, ordered many many MRE's for camping/hunting trips. Not once was I or others ever bothered by anything that has been described on here. I just ordered a 6 months supply of the new MRE's from one online site and another 6 month supply from another online company.

I have to wonder though, why this site has to put up a page that is so negative about MRE's?????

Just eating my normal daily diet, I get plugged up just as bad as what I'm reading about on here. Let cha know if I "spill mah guts."

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

W. Gardner, I have eaten many a box of C-rations even some that were 15 or 20 years old. No problems with butt spew but the "Ham and Lima Bean Dinner" was so salty it required many canteens of water to wash it down.

Never tried the MREs, even on camping trips I prefer to cook from scratch.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Cooking from scratch is the most satisfying and the best ESPECIALLY on camping trips. Everything else is just crap.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Right you are Butt, if you have a dutch oven nothing could be easier that "bean hole beans" give them a Google!

You don't need a fancy recipe, we always used pinto beans and either salt pork or country bacon for seasoning. For greens we would just look around. In the spring there was wild mustard, poke weed, and later in the year milk weed. Milk weed is mildly poisonous if eaten raw but if cooked correctly is both nutritious and delicious (tastes like spinach). If we wanted some protein other than the beans we would eat some poor unsuspecting animal. Bread could easily be made by mixing self rising flour with water from a local stream, working it into a dough, then wrapping it around a stick in strips and cooking it over hot coals. Better than a biscuit!


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

My mouth is watering. I feel a camping trip coming soon.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Anonymous's picture

Just read your review of MREs and couldn't stop laughing.. I was crying from the laughter! I am not buying these meals as emergency kits.

Maybe MREs were designed so that you would not leave a spoor sample for the enemy to detect, track and follow you.

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