The Girl From Starbucks

// // 80 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I had just gotten my coffee at the local Starbucks and made my way to the sugar and milk counter to doctor up my redeye (one shot). A cute little brunette was already there, swirling some Equal into her latte. She smiled at me and I smiled at her, and as she went to throw away the Equal packages her hand brushed against her cup and splashed it all over the counter. She was terribly embarrassed -- red faced and laughing. Her eyes actually started to water. My cousin is like this -- she becomes mortified and stammers and starts crying if she drops her napkin in a restaurant or something. She gets so embarrassed SO easily. I suspected this girl was the same way, and didn't want her to die of embarrassment, so I simply commented that it happens to everyone. "In fact," I lied, "it happened to me the previous week." And could I buy her a new cup of coffee? She WAS awfully cute.

She let me buy her a cup. I asked her if she'd join me at a table, but she declined, saying she had to get back home. But she asked if she could call ME sometime. I said sure and gave her my number. A couple days later she invited me to her apartment. To her APARTMENT! (Which, it turns out, was only a block away from the Starbucks). I figured this girl, despite her mousy performance at the Starbucks, was going to be an easy lay.

And I was right. I scored that first time I visited her place. I asked her if she wanted to go out and get a drink or something. She declined. So I left. Over the next three weeks or so we hooked up a couple of times a week -- ALWAYS at her apartment. She never wanted to go out. Never wanted to come over to my place. I wondered what was up with her. A couple of times during my visits she mentioned that she had to go to the bathroom to take a shot for some disease she had -- "Crohn's Disease," I think.

I didn't know what it was, and she never explained.

The last time I saw her -- at her apartment, of course -- we started getting hot and heavy. Next thing you know I'm laying on her couch and she's riding me. Like a piston. I don't mean to brag, but I really knew how to get this girl off.

Suddenly, out of the blue, she stopped.

I opened my bewildered eyes and looked at her. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. I'll never forget the look of astonishment on her face. Seeing it, I got frightened myself. "What's wrong?" I asked.

She simply stated, "I have to go to the bathroom."

I said, "Okay." She rolled off of me. That's when the stench hit me my bewildered senses.

Howard Stern was on the radio, and he was playing some "ebonics translator" CD, and the voice was saying, "Cancel Christmas, motherfucker..." My eyes instinctively moved from the ceiling lamp, passed over the fake oak entertainment center, across the Native American rug, and down to mine own naked body... there it was.

A fresh. Tropically steaming

turd.

on my balls.

I blinked a couple of times. My nervous system set off the alarm a couple of nanoseconds before, and my rapidly deflating fuckstick made the offensive ass snake appear larger and larger in contrast. In those first couple of seconds of shock, I found myself fascinated by the fact that the poop didn't slide off of my sweaty scrotum. It clung to it. The horror was heightened by that wretchedly unnatural union of feces and genitalia and veins and hair (I have hairy nuts) and sweat. The sight was so absurd that I would have laughed out loud had I not slammed my hand across my mouth -- I didn't want to exponentially increase her humiliation.

After those initial shocking seconds, I began to look about for something to clean it up with. I decided on my t-shirt, which was lying on the floor (I had worn a button down shirt over it). I collected the fecal mud off of my humiliated testicles, walked it to the trashcan in the kitchen, got dressed, and waited. I didn't want to leave before she got out of the bathroom -- that, it seemed to me, would only embarrass her more. I vaguely hoped we could do our best to "patch things up" with some awkward words.

She never came out. After about five minutes I left with a case of blue balls and a new appreciation for life -- a life of never fucking another girl with Crohn's Disease.

80 Comments on "The Girl From Starbucks"

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Oh, Everett! Another hot babe shits during sex story. What are we going to do??

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

My thoughts exactly. This is a traumatic story at best.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

ButtPuker, it happened to me, too. See the link in my post above.

Get yourself into therapy, man!

BTW, Dave--your "warning" on this story will probably guarantee it will be the most read item of the month!

CC's picture

It puts a new meaning on fucking the shit out of someone.The sad part about her condition is that at any given moment she has an urgent need to shit.That is why she didn't want to leave her apartment.Why would someone add to their problem by drinking coffee?

SweatLoaf's picture

hahahahahahahahahahaha *breathe* aaahahahahahaha ha ha haaaa hahahahahahaha *breathe* hahahahaha ahah ha ha ha haa ahhahahahahahahaaaaa *cries* hahah ha ha..ehe...ehe...ehe...whew

"What? No Poopies?"

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

excellent.

this is my favorite type of poop story...graphic and shocking with a dose of humiliation.

I had a drunken chick puke on me during sex but never shit on me.

A buddy of mine married a chick with Crohn's. Eventually the disease got so bad she had to use a colostomy bag.
He once told me a tale of how she was wearing the "bag of shit" during sex and it was squished between their bodies.
I should get him to write a poop report.

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points

What is someone who has this condition, and is fully aware of its ramifications, doing picking up strangers for the purpose of getting laid? It's hard to feel sympathy for her embarrassment in this situation. She knows what is likely to happen; why risk it? I understand, she was horny. But still.

And how inconsiderate is it to the guys she picks up? If it were a committed partner, that person would be more likely to understand. But to spring this on some guy she hardly knows?

However, it makes for a great story. "I collected the fecal mud off of my humiliated testicles..." -- that's some of the funniest writing on PR I've seen in a while. Nicely done.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

You have to feel bad for the girl. It's likely that this wasn't the first time she crapped on a guy during sex. That's probably why she insisted on having sex at her place only. Damage control is easier at home.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

This story has probably already made it around the world on every scat pervo whack off web site. It has never happened to me and I hope to keep it that way.

Grogan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

< PUN >Thats a shitty situation< /PUN > Hope you didnt get to scared for life. This reminds me of a story Tucker Max wrote.Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue which got me laughing.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Actually I was going straight to the BM newswire, but I saw the warning and clicked right on it.

Loved the vocabulary

Not bad, to get laid so fast. It takes a few weeks before I even get their number.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

While oh so tempting, you have to watch out for some people. Then again, I've never had sex, so what do I know?

Awesome story, written very well. I saw images of you there with the muddy balls and your "deflating" member. Great way to describe it. Good thing my girllfriend can hold it! Sadly we've only gone so far as looking at each other though. Sigh.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

Interesting story. Nicely written time of pleasure yet pain. That would suck. I mean, I've screwed the shit out of women before, but not literally like this. There should be a club for guys like you.

KOC, a few weeks....egads, I didn't think you were that much of a geek. I bet if you didn't talk so much to women, you'de be getting it on a regular basis. Don't talk, and look cute and buy em roses and chocolates!!

Well.....maybe not.


_______
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Wait a minute doniker, what about the story with you and the chick in the back of the car and the pellets? I'd consider that kind of like shitting on you.

I, too, got a big laugh out of this one. My favorite poopreport for a couple of weeks.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

"Wait a minute doniker, what about the story with you and the chick in the back of the car and the pellets? I'd consider that kind of like shitting on you."

yea I guess...but when a guy sticks his weiner in a butt he is always taking that risk.

Shitty Lawyer's picture

Great story. What struck me was that you didn't know this girl from Eve, she told you she was taking shots for some disease, and you kept right on banging her without making any inquiry about it! Talk about thinking with the little head...

tucker mac's picture

You stole my life!

the story on EHOWA were the guy laids this seemingly normal girl in the anus and ends up with worms on his cock is better.

scatsympathizer's picture

You really should write a book about anything remotely interesting. It will be a fucking classic. Horrible story, written beautifully.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

tucker mac, eeew.

eeew eeew eeew.

Some Guy's picture

Get a life dude I have a female friend who has crohn's disease although I have never had sex with her. I know it is a terrible disease with the main symptom being diarrhea. But it does a lot of other things to your body as well. There is no known cause or cure for the disease and it is an awful disease to live with both physically and emotionally.

CC's picture

I agree Some Guy. Picking up guys and bringing them home for sex may not only be her only chance to get laid but it may be her only chance for companionship. She probably spends alot of time alone.

Ecoli Canoe's picture

Okay, my wife is small and my wangdangler is almost too big for her. She says sometimes she feels like she has to shit when we're making love. Should I be scared?

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Where is No Shame in It? Remember the sensitive guy who posted under College Pooping 101: The Four Poopers Of The Girls' Bathroom, and stole the hearts of some of our most sensible ladies, much to the irritation of conventional male assholes such as Dumpster? This thread seems tailor-made for him.

ME's picture

Poor girl... poor you.
haha poop is funny.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Jesus you're funny, Doniker. Yes, I'd have to agree on the "where you put it" defense.

br>_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

There are two solutions to keeping your penis clean and poop free here...
1) Wear a condom.
2) Aim for the other hole.
Just my 2 cents.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Dr. Strangeturd's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Good one...poor penis must have been scared shitless.


_______
My plans were foiled again, by those damn PooperFriends!

My plans were foiled again, by those damn PooperFriends!

3flusher's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


_Is that what they call a "Starbucks Steamer"?______
3flusher

3flusher

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

I will never get the extra shot of expresso again without thinking of shit covered balls. Thanks for ruining my latte drinking experience for life!


_______
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I really love coffee (I'm an addict!) and this just might scar me for at least a while. I rembmered the comments here the last few times I've had coffee. Maybe it will pass soon.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Me, Im addicted to Gatorade. (minimum of 60 oz. daily) If I ever meet a hot Gatorade executive, and our relationship progresses to this level, I can honestly say I might stop drinking Gatorade (and switch to Powerade of course)

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

KOC, Dude. Way worse for you than coffee. Switch to Snapple or something and get your blood pressure checked, man!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Crohn's disease is a horrible, debilitating disease. However, I don't suppose (if I was a guy) that I would want to get shitty balls every time I fuck a CD girl. If you are not into this thing, than don't date her.

Continuing to date someone just because they have a disease and you feel sorry for them is far more degrading than just dumping them on the spot. I get so tired of people doing things like this because they think they are being nice.

Honesty is the best policy here. Political correctness hurts.

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I've seen for myself that being rough sometimes pays off in the end. This is a time when it does. You gotta be wary of an "easy lay".

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Why would anyone want to "lay" with someone they didn't plan to marry?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Probably because I don't believe in marriage. I "lay" with Gilbert all the time, we are expecting Gordon, and we are not planning to get married. Spiritual bonding is much more important than a little certificate and the approval of the church and state.

But, if you are meaning "sleeping around" than... Well, some people get horny.

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Leaving aside the Spiritual aspects, casual sex is very dangerous, both physically and emotionally. Every such relationship you have leaves you with that much less capacity for the next one, so ultimately, like a piece of duct tape which has been stuck to a number of surfaces, peeled off, and restuck, any real commitment becomes difficult or impossible.

DF, my hat is off to you for saving yourself for the right woman. I wish I had done so, or even had the maturity at your age to understand the importance of that.

TSV, you know I would never "preach" to you (at least not in public!), but to respond generally to your comment above, usually in a situation where two people are living together, it is because one of them has less commitment to the relationship than the other, and needs to keep open the option to leave.

This may not even be something that is admitted or even discussed, but remember the old French proverb: "There is one who kisses, and the other who offers the cheek." Personally, if I thought someone was worthy of having a baby with, I would want the security of a formal commitment to them.

But those are just general observations from an old Dumpster who has probably seen too much.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Good point, Dumpster, but a formal commitment shouldn't have to be approved by the state. Gilbert and I aren't planning to go anywhere and

I abhor society expecting me to go through some stupid-ass ceremony dictated by commercial bridal registries, out-dated sexist rituals, and wearing a ring just to prove to the rest of the world that I care for this person. I should not have to be licensed to feel a lifelong bond with someone.

In short, marriage is to prove to the rest of the world that you are making a commitment, not your partner. Therefore, it really isn't that important. Just another status symbol. (Especially today. And yet we wonder why the divorce rate is so high.)

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture

What you should have done is taken that steaming turd, and spread it all over yourself, all the while screaming, "Yes! Yes! Yeah, baby! That makes me freaking hot!" Eventually, she would have come out that bathroom, and told you get the hell out.

The point is, you would have made her feel less bad about herself by assassinating your own character. In essence, her feelings would have been spared. You may have even empowered her.

CJ's picture

Crohns is a disorder where the cells in your intestine essentially attack each other causing inflimation....basically, sometime she has no control... she was warning you dumb ass... READ A BOOK!

Anonymous Coward's picture

fuck you man tons of people have that disease, and it plagues millions of people across the planet. here's hoping you get cancer and die you fucking retard

Poop3Monster's picture

Hey ButtPuker... I have Crohn's, and considering you don't know what it is, you acted pretty cool given what happened to you. A lot of guys would have freaked out and yelled at her or something.

Weird question, I know but: where is this Starbucks? I understand what she must go through and she would understand what I go through on a daily basis... lookit this, a shitter hookup in the making... yeah I KNOW this is totally weird, but you'd have to be going through it to understand why I'm asking. It would be nice to hang out with someone where I don't have to EXPLAIN why I've gotta RACE to the damn shitter twice a night.

If you have any sympathy, or want to see if I am legit, email me at poop3monster@hotmail.com.

Yeah, weird, I know. But totally, totally serious.

Poopy McGee's picture

Ok, this story bugs me for two reasons.
1.) Coffee irritates the bowels and causes people to poop more. And caffeine can cause diarrhea. If she had the disease she would not be drinking coffee.
2.) If she knew there was the potential to shit on someone, why wasn't she on the bottom? She would then just shit on the bed, and not on the dude.
I call bullshit on this story.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Hey now, settle down. This is for comments, not flaming each other. Yes, many people do have the disease. You have to take it your own way.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Anonymous Coward's picture

Yo CJ! Ok maybe you're right. She was probably warning him. However, before you go around telling people to read books because they're dumb, why don't you pick up Webster and learn how to spell "inflimation." You can find lexicons at your local 'liberry.' Fucking idiot.

hongus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i love these sex jokes mixed with poo

Crohn&#039;s Chick's picture

JUST so everone knows, not all people that have Crohn's are like that! I've had it since I was 16 (22 now) and I have NEVER and will NEVER shit on anyone during sex. THANK YOU.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Sorry, Anonymous Coward, but the proper spelling is "inflammation." Also, people, please try to stay on topic. I wouldn't be surprised for a lot of these posts to be deleted, this one included. Seems lately a lot of our stories have been "How to derail a list of comments"

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

DF, I agree that the moderation of this thread is not up to PoopReport's usual high standards.

Maybe "Elvis Fanatic" and I have been keeping them too busy lately.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

The topic of this story lends itself to comments that are a little, um, different than some of the comments some of us normally let through. Comments about pooping on people are in a different context given the content of the story.

Oh, and if anyone wants a site full of moderators who make people keep on-topic, well, then you better either find another site or talk Dave into getting new moderators.

I like ham sandwiches.

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