Hmmmmmmmm, I'm trying to decide if I, as a woman would best fit under the category of "gold digging wife, prostitute or slut." Your story would have been infinitely more interesting without your misogynist blatherings. Next time I hope you shit all over yourself--while a room full of bitches laugh at the jerk you are!

No, you would be best classified as a bitch. So blow me.

Caca,
I'm sure you are none of the above.The ladies of Poop Report are down to earth women who enjoy a good poop story.I might even venture to say they might enjoy a dirty joke too.
I liked the story but just because a lady looks great in sexy clothes does not make her a hooker or a trophy wife.In the famous words of Pink,they were not there for your entertainment.

CDD - You have obviously never been to Dallas. I lived there for about 15 years and it is by far the most pretentious city I have ever been to. Don't get me wrong, I married a Dallas girl who is one of the biggest feminists on the earth. However, the women who would be at the type of place Steff mentions would probably be flattered by how he described them.

On to Steff's story - well done. I think that we have all been on business trips like the one described. Completely violating a hotel toilet is one of my favorite guilty private pleasures - you can leave the door wide open and many times watch your favorite tv program or spanktravision the whole time.

Mu hub says men who say things like that are jealous....and alone.
I live in Atlanta, I'll warn the ladies that you're coming.

That was quite the dump there steff. I liked your story. I think that was the result of TOO much rich food. In the end the liver gotcha.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Sounds like the foie gras, I mean the foie gras, was punishing you for chowing down in such a fancy place and not keeping your pinky finger raised.

P.S. I forgive the misogyny. Trophy wives go hand in hand with a Ferarri in the garage.

I've never known what to think about people who will eat animals that suffered horribly because they consider the way they taste to be of more importance than basic humane treatment. Because of this, I was left feeling apathetic towards the writer's struggle to maintain his "dignity". As the bunnyhugger of Poopreport, I'm sure you guys understand.

If you click on this link choose the last video. It's a French undercover video that has captured parts of these animal's miserable existences from breaking the necks of "undesirable chicks" to forced feedings to the adult geese being bled out while fully conscious. The irony of this is that the author enjoyed his meal because he had the option to stop eating when he wanted; but the animals who were forced to produce part of that meal he ate did not. This fact coupled with the fact that he seems knowledgeable of their suffering and still doesn't care makes it worse.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Deep Fried Calamari usually isn't associated with "Ultra High End" eating establishments. This has elements of several previous front pagers in it. Is this another D.I.Y.P.R.?

I wasn't too impressed with this story. It had pretty much the same story line as some others. But then again, I haven't submitted a story yet, so who am I to be the fucking judge.

Did you ever think it may have been the $300 bottles of swill you were drinking? A little tannin topped with single malt sounds like a combustible to me. The rest was just shrapnel!

_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

It just goes to show that eating where you don't buy and prepare the food yourself is always a gamble AND IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW "NICE" THE PLACE IS!!!!

You can get sick from a hot dog cart as easily as you can from Wolfgang Puck's. Prices are no indication of safety, and you have no idea what goes on in the kitchen or in transit.

I hope that goose was laughing at you from beyond

Steff, if you`re going to spend that much on a meal (even if you weren`t paying), you should have gone the full hog.

Like Mr Creosote from Monty Python, you should have said yes to the waiter`s offer of a final "waafer theen meent, sir?". You`d agree grudgingly, and add, "Give me a fuckin` bucket."

Then you`d have done the decent thing and just burst open there and then.

Thank you, Daphne, for taking on the other distasteful part of the story. I agree with every word you typed.

I, too, have tried foie gras. And Daphne, while I agree with most all of your opinions, I was still game to give it a taste. Just one - I wasn't intending to make it a regular 'thing', but I try to give a delicacy at least one taste. Two words for ya: Never. Again. It was like eating a block of salty mud. And I don't want to think what it would have done for my IBS-suffering stomach had I eaten more.

Some delicacies are good (escargots if cooked right, broiled eels, some kinds of sashimi) but some? How do people eat these? Besides foie gras, sashimi mackerel is your garden variety "dead fish smell" in edible form, and uni (sea urchin) is a bit like consuming slug slime. Three big glasses of club soda didn't get it out of my mouth!

My own nirvana is the Fontana Bar patio at Bellagio in Las Vegas. World's largest water show (I'm a fountain nut) a snifter of Maraschino in one paw, my pipe in the other, and a plate of fancy food in front of me. Dried fruit? Check. Unusual sausages? Check. Nifty bread? Double check. Next time, I'll just ignore that tiny puck-shaped cake of brown stuff that is foie gras.

Bottom line, I guess mud in begats mud out. Butt mud, that is.

I agree that the story was well-written. And I didn't particularly care for the description of foie gras. Although I'm sure that I'd be repulsed by the process of turning a cow into ground beef, that's not going to stop me from eating -- no, enjoying -- a good hamburger. (For the record, I don't like veal though, but not for humanitarian reasons.)

Here's the part that gets me. Steff got liquored up, got smote with the shit hammer, then got behind the wheel of his rental car and hauled ass from downtown to the 'burbs just so that he could take a dump in a warm, clean, friendly place.

I hate to rain on the party, but if Steff had lost control of his car because he was busy concentrating on his quivering ass and driven through a crowded bus stop, I don't think that we would be quite so humored.

Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. And if so, I apologize. All the same, I'm glad that I got to read about this on the front page of PR instead of CNN.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

So, you ate lots of food, had to poop on the way back to your hotel, held it in for a while, then took a big dump in your hotel toilet. Whoopie.

Jake, curiosity is curiosity. I have tried caviar because I wanted to know what it was about, so I totally understand what you said.

And jeez, Deja Poo, I loved your comment. Please don't apologize. Drinking and driving is just stupid; and it's especially crass when you've got a business account to cover the cost of a taxi.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Steff,

Your story was well-written, but I have a few issues:

While I am a pretty strong feminist, I will excuse your rather ungallant comments towards the fairer sex, as I am quite familiar with Dallas society. Uncle Crapper is right on the money. Although, I would have probably used the term "mistress" rather than prostitute. The "hot sluts" comment, though, was not cool at all.

While stuffing one's self silly and bringing on the shits is a common occurence for Poop Reporters, I really have to take issue with your glee at consuming a part of an animal that led such a miserable existence, only to be used as a delicacy for rich assholes who certainly do not need it for survival. Calling a poor suffering little animal a "fucker" just didn't sit right.

Like daphne, I love animals and hug bunnies when I can (pet-free co-op). What concerns me about the food industry is the utterly horrific existence of the animals until they are slaughtered. I don't eat veal for ethical reasons. I also really try to avoid pork, as the hogs' lives are truly something out of the most graphic horror story imaginable. I harbor no Pollyanna-esque notion that my little boycott will bring the evil ones at Smithfield to their knees, but I still try to do the right thing, with the occasional human slip up.

Finally, Deja, you are 100% correct. Driving is not the best thing to do after consuming that much alcohol and doing the clenched ass waddle. I'm glad that no one (other than the goose) was harmed during the events leading to this story.

_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

I like geese and would not eat something that had been made from a bird or animal that had been so cruelly treated. It's like those fucking Japanese and their relentless killing of whales for "research".

Your description of attractive women as "hot sluts" shows your true personality and self centredness. Are you one of those loud, obnoxious Americans who thinks their shit doesn't stink? You found out the hard way yours does.

And is Steff short for Stephanie or what's the story?

So, you had to point out he's "one of those Americans" in a comment where you showed a distaste for misogyny? C'mon now.

Don't be hatin'.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I agree with Bunga about the DIYPR.

Sorry, Steff- I just didn't feel much sympathy for your bung as you raced to your pocelain solitude after hearing your descriptions of women and food. Seems you consume them both recklessly.

If you did shit yourself in the car, I'd say "poor fucker, indeed."

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

One point of this story was the effect of lots of rich food on a digestive system unused to it. A few years ago I worked at a downtown school and ate in restaurants around there, including an oriental place where the customer paid one price and could take whatever foods he wanted from long lines of bins of rich and tantalizing food. It was not a high-class place, but the food was certainly richer and fattier than I got at home. I gained some weight just from those lunches, but I also learned to be alert for some extremely urgent poops. I well remember sometimes driving back to work, having the urge hit while on the way, saying a quick "Hi!" to my co-workers on the way back to the restroom, plopping my bottom on the seat as quickly as possible, and having a very large and satisfying b.m. in an extremely short time. It didn't happen every day, but with enough frequency to notice--and these were always after having had a full-sized b.m. at home earlier that morning. Once I stopped working there and visiting that restaurant, that type of early-afternoon movement ceased.

Thanks for the link to the D.I.Y.P.R., Bunga. A hilarious and prescient post by Wiper (almost 5 years ago). And he'd only been around for about 6 months at the time! Steff's well written story could easily have been regurgitated by a "PR bot".

I just watched the video you linked to, Daph - HEINOUS!!! Required viewing for anyone who cherishes their foie gras.

WTF? What is wrong with "HOT AMERICAN SLUTS"? They ROCK! As for the "Fwa Graw" all-y'all need to stop tryin' stupid shit - ever heard of avian flu or that ther mad friggin cow? EAT BUNNIES!
_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Steff, I MUST know. What restaurant did you go to? You said is was close to downtown. Was it Bob's? Was it Al Biernat's? It's killing me. I must know.

I also was put off by the sexist comments throughout the story. I couldn't even finish it because it was offensive.

Hi (I've posted before as Anonymous Coward; I believe Daphne once named me "Chuck").

I feel someone needs to stand up for this poor guy, since he's been accused of being uncaring towards animals and misogynistic (both of which I've been accused of in the past).

If you're going to eat meat at all, there's absolutely no point in being a half-hearted humanitarian. News flash: all meat comes from the systematic breeding and killing of animals. Personally, that doesn't stop me eating meat, since I contend that animals have no inherent "rights"; they aren't autonomous moral agents, and can't understand the concept of corresponding rights and duties as a human being can. As humans, we do have a responsibility of stewardship towards the natural world as a whole - e.g. not to hunt animals to extinction. But individual animals have no "rights" (hence why I support hunting for sport). If you don't agree with that, then go vegetarian; but it's inconsistent to eat meat, but condemn those who eat foie gras or veal on the basis that they're violating "animal rights". Either animals have rights, or they don't. There's no middle ground.

As to the point about women. I don't think that talking about "hot-looking sluts" shows contempt towards women. If the situations had been reversed, and this were a woman making disparaging or sexualised comments about men, no one would criticise her for it. Unfortunately, feminism has gone so far that our society now applies double standards, and it's men, not women, who suffer discrimination.

This story sucked. Your a real jackass. You can go F*#K Yourself!

"Either animals have rights, or they don't."

I can't address whether animals have rights but I do think that we have an obligation to treat them humanely, even if they will eventually become dinner. For most humans, killing is a part of eating. That doesn't mean that we have to be wanton about it or even inflict unnecessary pain and suffering.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Conservative, it shows contempt for women because he called them "sluts." you realize that's a derogatory term, don't you?

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i love poop.

Hey Anal,
I think the only "classy joint" in Dallas tacky enought to serve Foi Gras and Fried Calamari might be The Palm. Oh yeah some of the chicks there are friggin' hot! I LOVE SLUTS!
_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Anyone that wants to stick up for the author should also be aware that he posted as Rusty Trombone.

If you are new to submitting a story and haven't already registered Dave will pick something convenient yet anonymous related to the supplied EMAIL address on your story. Once your story is up he mails you a link for the story and your password. For some reason "STEFF" decided to post as "Rusty".

THE PALM!! Ofcourse. Thank you Howley.

Yes, Wonderpance, of course I realise it's a derogatory term. But it was a joke, FFS! If a woman used similarly demeaning sex-related terms towards a man, everyone would find it funny. This is just more evidence that political correctness and liberal values are destroying our society and eliminating freedom of speech.

what?? it was not a joke! i quote, "All the while I'm washing this down with three hundred dollar bottles of French wine and watching all the hot-looking sluts walk by."

how exactly is that a joke??

by the way, there is no similarly demeaning sex-related term for men.

_______
i love poop.

Wonderpance. I think the comparable male term would be
"...watching all the hot-looking studs walk by." The problem here is the most males would not mind being studded out, while most women would take issue with being pimped out.

Thus, the way to offend men in similar fashion would be "... watching all the little dicks walk by." They hate that, especially the guys with little dicks, and you do see this insult frequently employed in plays, songs (Master of the House), movies, etc.

Oh, and an insult that is starting to sting a little more as I get older is "...watching all the dirty-old men walk by." Just because we're men, and we're old doesn't mean.... Um, well, I take that back.

I'm with ya, LJ...it is sad though...I never thought...well...ya, ya I did.

Yeah, Bilge, who could have imagined, back when we were watching Groucho in the mid 50s, that he would die and we would grow up to take his place? Even my eyebrows are thickening up, I guess to warn off young women. The only way to combat their effect is to work on thickening the bank account.

I find it slightly ironic that some poop report readers might be totally offended by some casual language describing women or meat, yet be perfectly fine with the grody language used to describe that most delicate function of number two. Some people would be horrified and disgusted to the point of nausea to read such an extended and graphic tale of backdoor biological woes. I guess we all pick what we're going to get up in arms and offended about. It just doesn't always make sense. Personally, I don't want anyone writing here to start worrying about political correctness.

Welcome to PoopReport, Catbox. And wow-- comin out swingin on your very first post! Mind if I sit here awhile and watch to see what happens when Wonderpance and Daphne log back on? And while we wait, can you tell us how you came up with your PR name?

Move over, LJ...oh, here...JuJuBees...and Thin Mints...I got a couple of sodas as well. This will get interesting, I hope...I love cat fights....er...no, wait, ruins the pelt...I like chick fights, yeah, thats it.

hold on...i gotta go get my gear on.
_______
i love poop.

Ooo. JuJuBees! Thanks.

Tell me, Bilge. How do you keep those eyebrows so under control?

Gear? Oh man.

Hey, fellow dirty old men, what is the ETA for the arrival of D&W. I want to change into my favorite slippers and join you. And Logjam you are absolutely correct that the fat wallet perfectly counter balances the fat belly when it comes to the women. I'll bring some Dorito's.

Eyebrows? As in plural? Look closer...uni-brow, rogained the bridge of my nose...makes up-keep so much easier. As for control, I recommend Brylcream. A Little dab'll do ya.

Hey there PD.

... waiting....waiting....waiting.

Come on wonderpance. We've nearly finished off the chow and have exhausted all the questions we had about grooming. Just how long could it take to get that gear on?

That SWAT gear can be a bit cumbersome to put on.

SWAT gear? This is Wonderpance, and so we're talking cape and boots, brother.

And roller skates

ok, first i'm going to attack with reason.

Catbox Connoisseur, it is not ironic for one main reason: describing one's pooping escapades doesn't insult anyone. calling the girls he watched walk by "sluts" without knowing them or having any reason to call them sluts other than the fact that they were female and looked hot is insulting, not only to those females in question, but also to the rest of us because he clearly feels no need to qualify the term. he didn't say they were sluts because he saw them giving away BJs in the restroom. he called them sluts because they were females. he could have called them girls, ladies, chicks, babes, broads, dames, whatthefuckever. but he chose a very specific and hateful word instead.

i'm so sick of this fucking "political correctness" bullshit. that has nothing to do with it. it has to do with common courtesy and respecting your fellow human. i don't refer to all men as "assholes" just because i know a lot of them who are. why is it ok for this asshole to refer to females as "sluts" for no apparent reason?

it has nothing to do with feminism, either. i take issue with all generalizations like this.
i wasn't even going to chime in on this one, until i read that idiotic comment about "hot-looking sluts" not showing contempt for women, as though that word has any other possible connotation.

having said that, welcome to the site! i'm usually nicer than this.

_______
i love poop.

Wonderpance. You surely don't disappoint. Well worth the wait. Nice points you raise. Now, where is the second attack -- the one without reason? The one using your roller skates?

well, i have to wait for the rebuttal, first.
_______
i love poop.

They were giving away BJ's in the restroom? Where the fuck was I??? uh...whats a BJ?

fiddlesticks.

Oops. Fiddlesticks was a response to wonderpance, not a reply to Bilge's question. Or, ummm. Maybe it was both?

Bilge. A BJ is what you get when you cross a Bilgepump with a Log Jam.

hmmm....DNA splicing...interesting concept, but I fear the results would far too much for humanity to deal with.

Humanity has dealt with GWB for going on 8 years. How hard could a Bilgejam be? (Hard. I mean "difficult," of course.)

Of course, we are dirty old men, not dirty old diamond cutters.

I can still put a mean scratch in a piece of gypsum.

And I can put a dent in jello....don't mess with us, man, we'll hurt ya.

BAD!

Dammit Chuck, the USDA says animals have rights. In fact, much of what goes on in slaughterhouses violates their rights. And pets have rights, too. This is why we have the ASPCA Animal Cops show on tv.

What made you think animals don't have rights?

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I don't believe animals have rights from a philosophical standpoint, because they are not autonomous moral agents. Human beings have rights because they also have corresponding duties and obligations; rights must always be symmetrical with obligations to respect the rights of others.

I'm not saying we should be gratuitously cruel to animals, nor do I mean to criticise the good work done by the ASPCA and its counterparts in other nations. But talking of "animal rights" is entirely vacuous. One of the problems with our society is that the word "rights" is thrown around too much, with few people actually thinking about what it means, or about the fact that rights carry duties, responsibilities and obligations.

Personally, I can understand the common argument that it's OK to kill animals for food but not for sporting or other purposes; however, I don't agree with it. Many wild animal populations have to be limited through culling; so why not allow people to go hunting, therefore deriving some entertainment (and a profitable industry) from a necessary task?

If there are laws that protect animals - they have a right to shelter, access to food and water, and the right to veterinary treatment - and people get arrested for not giving them these rights, then I am hard pressed to find another word for them. If a farm animal is to be humanely slaughtered according to federal law, we have decided that animal deserves that right.

I find it interesting that there are still people out there who are threatened by the concept of an animal having a right to live in a decent state and unnecessarily unharmed, especially people who will follow these statements up with "nor do I mean to criticize the good work by the ASPCA"; because by suggesting animals don't have rights, that is exactly what you are doing. You are telling the ASPCA and organizations like it that you think their main mantras are not credible and are false, and you do not believe in what they stand for.

I will never understand this.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Well, I don't think people should be arrested for how they treat animals. Our legal system has more important things to deal with.

The only aspect of animal welfare which is important is the population question - i.e. we must not hunt animals to extinction or allow the ecological balance to get out of kilter. Other than that, I really couldn't care less. Hunting, shooting and fishing are all fine. Animals are not human beings, they are not sentient, and they are a part of the natural environment. Trees don't have rights; animals shouldn't either.

hmm...bilgejam. sounds like fun to me!
_______
i love poop.

Too much ecstasy for a mere mortal woman, Ms Pance....combined, Mr. Jam and myself become Demi-Gods. Semi-Gods? Hemi-Gods? dunno, pick one and run with it.

AC 02.12.2008. I have to disagree on the issue of animal rights. As long as we domesticate them, thus taking away their natural survival instincts, then we have the obligation to see to it that they can live their lives in a humane way whether they are pets or for consumption. I am only for killing of wild animals as a means of consumption, or in self defense. I don't believe in killing for sport. Now trees are another thing altogether. I find nothing more exciting than to stalk down a wiley old oak or birch, and quickly dispatching it with my chain saw. If there happens to be a tree hugger wrapped around it at the time, all the better. They are spineless, and the saw goes through them like butter.

you're right, bilgey. i don't wanna hurt myself!

and good comment, prarie doggin. you make an excellent point about domesticated animals. and i'm gonna take it a bit further, and point out that many animals do have obligations, responsibilities, and duties. many farm animals, for starters, such as horses perform tasks and make farmers jobs easier. dogs are also obligated to be faithful companions and not attack people. when a dog viciously attacks a person, it's punished (usually with death) and its rights are stripped. not to mention seeing eye dogs and the like.

i also have to argue with anyone that says animals aren't autonomous moral agents or have no critical thought. first of all, how the fuck do you know? people who claim to know what goes on in the minds of animals are just as bad as people who think we're alone in the universe. how can you be so sure of something you have absolutely no possible way of knowing? second of all, i've been around enough animals and seen enough crap on tv to know that (at least some) animals can and do make decisions based on more than just instinct. especially dogs. i think animals have more intelligence and are capable of a lot more than most people would like to give them credit for.
_______
i love poop.

Whew, I dodged that one. Thank God no one asked me about cats.

don't talk shit about Total!

i mean cats!
_______
i love poop.

Bilge. Wonderpance had hardly said boo to me before the suggestion of a blend of us two. Got me to thinkin. What do say to you, me, and road trip? Alone, our individual performances are admittedly not at their peak. But as a tag team..... As you say, BAD.

Dunno, buddy....as I explained to Ms Pance...do you think mankind is ready for us? Do you think the human race could survive such a potent combination?

what do you mean!? have i been unintentionally ignoring you since my return?? if so, i didn't mean to. actually, this is the most time i've spent on the front page since i got back.

sluts get me all worked up!
_______
i love poop.

Okay. I guess you're right. But don't you get tired of all the time worrying about mankind (oh, and animalkind)? I know I do. Someday, I'd like to imagine I'd do something for just me. You know.... like go to a movie I'D like to see or buy that cool pair of alligator boots rather than send the money off to Oxfam.

Shut up slut, this has nothing to do with you.

er...uh...wait....um..I meant....oh hell, I fucked the pooch on that one.

Gees, I posted that without seeing your message, wonderpance. Uh, Uh, um, you come here often?

Bidge, you idiot. Get the fuck out of the way. Jesus.

You're right, again, LJ...projecting my fears...really, mankind is none of my business...not my fault. God, that kind of thinking is very freeing!!!! Sorry, Suckas!!! LJ and I gonna rock the world!!!

WTF!!! Jam, goddammit...ruining my continuity...this sucks, no wonder Lewis left Martin.

I thought Martin left Lewis. But clearly, we have to work on our timing.

ITs the woman, isn't it....its Pance...your Yoko...its always the skirt.

Yeah. Same old story. A good lookin woman comes on the scene, and we're at each other's throats. But if it's between her and you, there is really no choice.

Oh, and Ms pance, feel free to jump in any time.

I understand. I feel the same way...gotta make the difficult choice, sometimes the right thing doesn't always feel right...but there is no right way to do the wrong thing...so, I'm going for the cat.

You may have noticed that we scared her away. Drool has that effect on some women. Go figure. Anyway, it's snowing cats and dogs outside, and I gotta get home, old mate. Let's do this again, sometime.

Anytime, my friend, anytime.

Logjam, I'm not sure what you do for a living (lawyer?), but you should be writing romance novels. A series of poop themed crotch novels will drive the gals gaga.

Sorry, LJ. That last post should have gone on the "Beauty and her beast" thread. Compliment well deserved tho'. It sucks getting old.

Bilge, Logjam.....GET A ROOM!

Duh, Bunga. That's exactly what we were trying, but failed, to do.

Anonymous Conservative writes

"Well, I don't think people should be arrested for how they treat animals."

But before that, he wrote

"I'm not saying we should be gratuitously cruel to animals, nor do I mean to criticise the good work done by the ASPCA and its counterparts in other nations."

So, the ASPCA does good work by helping animals, but they should only rescue them, and allow the people who hurt them, neglect them, set them on fire even on occasion, to go free.

I disagree that there's also no reason to further investigate people who beat or hurt pets. It's been a proven fact for the past 15 years that people who hurt animals are more likely to commit crimes and lean towards sociopathic behavior. They should be arrested; and in cases like dog fighting rings, cruelty to animals is one of the venues a lawyer will use to catch drug dealers and weapons runners because they're the same people.

That settles it for me. I give. I really do! There's not point in attempting to have a logical discourse with someone who can waffle on a subject this easily. And the fact that you think people who beat animals shouldn't be arrested is, well, unsettling.

You realize this means that you're saying you could see a neighbor kill someone's family dog and you wouldn't call the police. Yeah, I can't deal with you. No thanks.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

sorry guys! i got off work right after my last post. i didn't mean to leave you hanging.

right now i can't stop giggling because logjam called bilgey "Bidge." hehehe...bidge.

and daphne makes a good point, of course. i knew she would!
_______
i love poop.

What about the cruelty to all those hot American sluts? My lord, those poor surgically enhanced nymphs having to endure the attentions and affections of MEN, yes MEN – those hairy, big bellied, heavy walletted pigs (yes, I am one) and the spoils their money affords them. Poor, poor sluts…
_______
Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

Poor sluts after they no longer provide eye candy, you mean.

Wait - are you looking at other women!? WHAT?!

YOU BASTARD, ARE YOU GIVING THOSE BEAN POLE BITCHES MY ICING MONEY?????!!!!!!

He froze in the hallway, not sure of which way to turn.

She emerged full view in the hallway. Her thighs slapped together like a couple of sweating Easter hams as she began to pick up speed in his direction. Eyes bulging, Howleykook threw his wallet in her direction and made a narrow escape.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Hi daphne, no I don't have any of those skinny bean pole bitches hangin on (they wouldn't have me). You are the one and only chubby honey all american slut for me. Take my checkbook too babycakes!
_______
Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

Sorry you had to run off, wonderpance. But are you sure it wasn't the drool?

And daphne, wow. But I found myself needing some resolution, and couldn't help myself.

With her thumb and index finger, she tweezered the wallet and held it up to her nose. Well trained, she could pick up the sweet smell of cash through the rancid piggy sweat. Reassured, she stuffed the wallet between her breasts and returned to the carpet sweeper that she’d left running in the downstairs hallway. “A slut’s work is never done,” she groused to her disinterested fish.

Carpet Sweeper or Vacuum?

Logjam gets a 9.0 on that excellent follow-through.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bunga, you have an incredible memory for minutia. As you know, it has previously been established that I make a distinction between carpet sweepers and vacuum cleaners. So here I reveal that, in my opinion, a carpet sweeper is to a slut as a vacuum cleaner is to a wife. Among the reasons is that vacuum cleaners are designed to go much longer between servicings.

Carpet sweepers are also much sleeker and demure, while vacuum cleaners are heavier duty machines.

What a divisive thread. On one side we have those offended by the author's seemingly callous take on animal treatment, and on the other we have the folks offended by the author's (seemingly) callous views on women.

In an effort to bring the two together and begin the healing, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the sanctity and unity of PR. For the women, anyway.

Ladies, I hereby offer myself up for your objectification. You may ogle me to your hearts' contentment. Rub me down with vegetable oil, and call me a dirty, naughty boy, all while I eat a bucket of fried chicken (free range, of course). You don't even have to call me in the morning.

I am fully prepared to accept the emotional toll that this will place upon my shoulders. After all, it's for the greater good.

Nice one, Prarie doggin. And we could (and probably will) go on and on. A carpet sweeper is ready to perform at a moment's notice, while a vacuum you must first fire up its motor. A carpet sweeper is really just for emergencies, to hold you over between proper vacuumings.....

wow really enjoyed it

And need we compare the suction?

Logjam, a sweeper is not powered as far as I remember the last go around on this subject. Yet your first comment vis a vis the sweeper indicates the opposite. Read above:Reassured, she stuffed the wallet between her breasts and returned to the carpet sweeper that she’d left running in the downstairs hallway.

I get the feeling that you really don't have a clue whenst talking about detritus removal appliances. My stalwart fellow poopreporter Rob Gwisdala (who's been missing for more than a fortnight) could really educate you on the differences. Just take a look at this swinging party we had a few weekends ago!!!

P.S. David Bowie is a huge fan of the Bissell brand, what an imbecile, TVC15 was an old model upright with notoriously bad suction!!!

awesome link bunga. and people think we're sick!
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i love poop.

Bunga. I'll have you know that I wear the vacuum in the house. And I'm up on these things, contrary to your "feelings." While it is true that carpet sweepers traditionally are manual, like everything else you can now buy electric carpet sweepers, which are, of course, a little more pricey. While the vamp in our little story may be easy, she ain't cheap. It does look like your research on Kelly, however, may be paying off. Don't blow it.

hmmmm....derailed our original derail, several times...and now its Kelly versus the Oreck....I'm pretty sure I need to stay out of this one, being a former vacuum AND sweeper mechanic and technician.

She's not "in the bag" yet as we say down at the vacuum club (I still refuse to acknowledge the efficacy of these bagless models, a true farce in my opinion).

Logjam, you may say these sweepers are electric but the mere hint of electric power means it's a vacuum, not a sweeper. I suppose next you're going to tell me that a handheld black and decker shop vac is actually a palm and digitally controlled home economics sweeper!

Ok, thats it!!! Bunga, you wouldn't know a sweeper from a fluffer...an electric sweeper has an electric motor turning a cylindrical broom, hence, "Sweeper", while a vacuum has one or more electric motors spinning fans, creating a vacuum...giving the name "Vacuum"...pretty clever huh? Many vacuums also have a motor spinning a cylindrical broom to enhance loosening of dirt and shit, making the "Vacuum" more efficient. So there.

I suppose you're going to try to convince us next that an electric screw driver is no longer a screw driver but an oil-drilling rig and that an electric knife is a chainsaw? Google electric carpet sweepers and then come back and tell me that anyone would mistake these for a vacuum cleaner.

HA, HA HAHAHAHA!. You troglodyte, have you no brain!!! A sweeper on a VACUUM is called a POWERHEAD and the brushes and the solid bar on said is called a BEATER BAR. The purpose of the beater bar is to pound the carpet to raise dust to the surface while the sweeping brushes come along to move the dirt into the airstream. What you described is a powerhead on a vacuum, NOT A VACUUM OR A SWEEPER.

I am a MOD here, any further idiocy like this and you'll be banned!!!

I AM NOT KIDDING,
Sincerely
Bunga
Din

Wow, Bidge. You know what you're fucking talking about. Hey, can you recommend a brand and model? My old vac is wearing out on me (yeah, I'm hard on it.) I'm looking for power and convenience. If I'm not careful with the wand, I want to be able to clear the nics off a nic-nac shelf in the blink of an eye. (Hate clutter). And yeah, Bunga -- like an electric carpet sweeper could ever do this. Sheeesh.

I'd recommend a central vacuum. I have one myself and it's proven it's worth, and if things don't work out with Kelly (who's more than just charmingly neurotic) I'll be able to put to good use those wall outlets that are so conveniently scattered through the house. Hopefully this time I won't have my neighbour inquiring why I seem to take such an interest in the wallpaper.

P.S. Is it just me or is anyone else detecting a little heat between Logjam and "BIDGE"?

Are you asking for a vacuum recommendation, LJ, or a sweeper endorsement?

Fuck sweepers. I'm looking for a powerful 'chine. I live in an old house (1790) and I'm not going to outfit the thing with a central vac (but I appreciate the suggestion, Bunga). Carpets on old pine floors, stairs to move up. Fuck the broom and dustpan -- I like doing it all with the 'chine. Large chunk of bark on the floor (wood stove). I want to suck the thing right up. Ashes in the stove -- suck up. Spiderwebs, pennies, old socks -- suck, suck, suck.

Bunga wrote:
P.S. Is it just me or is anyone else detecting a little heat between Logjam and "BIDGE"?

Where have you been Bunga? This is old news. We've been proposing to each other for weeks now. Both of us like playing hard to get.

This thread has seen more derailments than the base of the Cajon Pass. I have been content to sit on the sidelines and watch the action. This rivaled the Super Bowl, however Mr. Logjam, with all due respect, please don't use electric knives and chain saws in the same sentance. I am currently downing multiple trees per day to feed the massive pulpmill in my back yard. I have yet to down a tree with an electric knife, although I did bring a running chainsaw to the dinner table once. It all worked out ok though. Mrs. PD threw the brussel sprouts out.

PD, there you go again, trying to get us off topic. Who the hell was talking about brussel sprouts? But hey, thanks for the idea -- calmly explaining one's preferences to the wife while holding aloft an oil-spitting chainsaw. You might want to try my method though -- waving the wand of a powerful vac haphazardly around the prized nic-nac shelf. (Do you see how to do that -- how to bring the thread back around to the topic? Give it the old college try.)

Is it ok if I take the chain saw to the
nic-nac shelf? Vacuum cleaners scare me.

The old college try for me involved lots of grain malted spirits and bad pickup lines while corny 80's rock played in the background. I can still feel my cheek sting each time I hear Duran Duran sing hungry like the wolf.

But to get things back on track Logjam, prarie doggin mentioned you were a lawyer, how do I protect myself these days from predatory mortgage companies while keeping the war against terror fully funded through my spending?

Hey, after denuding a small forest for the pulp mill, I can think of nothing better than kicking back to a steaming plate of foie gras, served to me by a bunch of bar sluts, followed by an equally steaming dump at my place.

How was that for a didn't-quite-graduate-college-because-of-excessive-alcohol-consumption try.

By golly Prarie, I think you've got it. (And hey, what about the award-winning boogers you can mine after a few hours turning trees to saw dust?)

Bunga, prarie was just speculatin about the lawyer bit. Fraid it ain't so. What I know about the law I learned from watching Gun Smoke. And applying that knowledge, spending your money on guns might be one solution.

Unfortunately, everything I learned about the law, I learned by breaking it.

Oh there I go again.

Sluts, ho's, gold diggers, foie gras, veal, poop.

Whew!!

There is a big poultry farm down the road from where I live, the large long barns have no windows and the doors are always shut. Just some large fans near the roof. Who knows what goes on in them. I hate the owner.
Don't like the terms- Sluts, Ho's, and the C word that I can't even bring myself to type. And as for foie gras? Just why?

Sorry about the poultry farm. Must be a bummer when the wind is blowing the wrong way. As far as the words, they are just for fun in this thread. I have the utmost respect for the female gender, as well as God's creatures(note: cats are Satan's creatures). I don't eat foie gras and veal because I do not agree that the animals were treated properly.

By the way, look for the "C" word in my next poem.

hmm....i guess maybe we really are the sick ones.
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i love poop.

Frank, do the chickens have large talons?

AD, I don't know, the chickens never are outside, always in the barns probably in the dark. The owner of the farm is a jerk, the type of person who burns tires stinking up the whole county.

he sounds like a flippin' idiot. gosh!
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i love poop.

Chicken farts smell just like burning tires.

I thought it was the other way around, PD....

You're right, burning chickens smell like tire farts.

Jesus Christ. You leave a thread alone for a day and come back to it and it's gone all to hell. From what I can determine, this was, yet again, all the fault of wonderpance. Get with it, woman!

You people are sick

Gee whizz, Anonymous Coward, do you really think so? What, if anything, can be done about our illness? Are you a wunderkind Diagnostician like House, on TV? What's the treatment? Is there a cure? Come on!!!! Your scaring the shit out of me...oh damn...see what you did?!?! Fucker!!! You bastard!!! and you have the temerity to call us sick!!! You just made me shit myself...what kind of perverse pleasure do you derive from that, you disgusting, demented pig fornicator?!!?!