this was a non-story, shame on the poster for boring us with this tripe.

as the very least the laptop should have been exposed to LiqaShit(tm).

nothing to see here, move along.

i wanna hear about your memorial day nightmares, from undercooked BBQ meat.

Now, now, now. This is his first submission. We all know how much fun it is to realize, "Cool! I have a poop story to send in to Dave!"
This was a story of something poopish that happened to a real person. It's an honest enough tale; give him a chance.

While the story isn't roll-in-the-aisle funny, I liked the clock flashing "12:00...12:00..."; it made me think of "whoooop...whoooop.... errgh, errgh, errgh", like when airplane hangars open. Good imagery.

Personally, I have never been bothered by Taco Bell. My daughter is addicted, so I end up there at least once a week. I know it's crap, but "Mmmmn...Chalupa!"
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Santa Caca!

I ate Taco Hell once, and spent that night throwing up and having the shits. I know it was the food because the person I ate it with had the same thing happen that night, and the person who wisely declined to eat it was fine.

I`ve never eaten Taco Hell and never intend to. Get yourself a new toilet fella.

After reading this I will never again feel insecure that one of my stories isn't worthy of making the front page.

I wish i could eat tacos without getting ass asthma

this was

BORING!

My favorite part was the "High Noon" allusion invoked by the flashing clock. This was very funny, yet in an understated way.

Messrs. Crapstra and "Simpson," if you're going to criticize somebody, especially for their first story, you ought to have the courtesy to register yourselves. I think criticism from Unregistered Users is sort of like a drive-by mooning: I wonder, briefly, "who was that asshole?" but I don't give it any thought after that.

And, Doniker, that was a cheap shot. As one of the best writers in PR history, that sort of false modesty ill becomes you, especially at the expense of a new guy who is really working hard to fit in here. I will remind you what the Ghost of Christmas Present said to Scrooge: "Oh, to hear the insect upon the leaf pronouncing upon the too much life among his brothers in the dust below."

When I posted my very first "official" story, Anchor Away, it was panned by no less than El Logjamo himself. I briefly considered suicide, but then decided to channel my disappointment into becoming a better PoopReporter (or at least trying to).

DF, I think this is a commendable first effort, if a bit short. You obviously have some (unpleasant) history with Old Man John there. Does he have a built-in "crisis detector," to know when are the worst times to stop up, or is he just allergic to paper? Also, where was the promised outbreak of insanity? Sounds to me like you kept your cool in a very aggravating situation.

Anyway, I know from reading your comments that you've got a lot more good stories to tell. Hang in there, kid! We've got your back!! (Er, well, not literally, but you get my drift....)

I thought it was an OK story, esp. it being a first time and it was way better than the story by the teenager who kept using 'like'

Doniker, you deserve a virtual-slap for a ball-shot like that. If I were a mod, I would give you lame comment.

Good story, DF.

One of my next reports will be on Taco Bell

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"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

I thought this story was kind of funny, more in what it didn't say than in what it said. For instance--

Why is the toilet old and dirty?
Why is there a clock radio next to the toilet, especially one that DF never bothers to set?
What was so important on screen that it made DF haul the laptop into the bathroom?

It leaves a lot to the imagination, in good way, and I picture a bunch of different scenarios. An admirable effort.

Dumpster. Yours may have been the only story, ever, about which I said anything critical. (OK, you might turn up another, but I'm sure there are few.) I usually say nothing unless I like a story. What we all want on the site are better stories, and I can't see how lambasting someone serves that function -- Dave will post better stories if he has them. But your Anchor Away was different. I liked it, but knew you could do better; I figured a little prodding might help in this case.

Well, LJ, it might not have "helped" in an objective sense, because I've only got so much talent to work with, and you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, etc., etc. I appreciated your comments on my first story, though, and they DID inspire me to learn more about PR, its ways and customs, etc.

Double Flush, when you get around to reading this, take heart: You are a valuable new member of this site, and you need to keep on keeping on. Really, there are only two secrets to success here:

1. Keep it original, but, when in doubt, ask, "WWLD (What Would Logjam Do)?"

2. Send all your money to Bilgepump.

TD wisely advises: "...when in doubt, ask, "WWLD (What Would Logjam Do)?"

I know that's always worked for me.

W.W.L.J.D.? I think I just chose my tattoo!

Sounds like you suffer from poor shitter discipline. Dirty toilet, loose seat, no TP, umprogrammed clock. Next thing you're going to tell me is that there's no soap and a cracked mirror.

By the way, the can is one of humanity's last sanctuaries. Clocks have no place in the restroom. In the restroom we must rest... even from the cold reality of time.

Please reflect upon these truths.

Damn right Crack.

The grabbing the snot rag out of the trash thing made me squirm. It is amazing what we will do in the desperate situation of a million wiper!

And Double Flush, don't worry about any lamers. Everyone who has ever written on this site gets some lamers. Just read my story "Crusty The Snowman".

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A mind is a terrible thing to toast, unless you use a little butter.

Thanks Dumpster for being supportive. I'm sure I'll get better as time goes by. This is my first post, after all.

Now to answer some questions:
The toilet is old and dirty simply because it's in an old house and no one bothers to mess with it anymore.
I like to listen to the radio while on the toilet or in the bathtub. The clock doesn;t even matter.
I take my laptop everywhere because I'm such a geek. And I was reading PoopReport with a toon from Weebl's Stuff going in the background.

The mirror is fine and there is always soap, though I often have to steal a roll of TP because there is always little or no TP in there due to the fact that I stay at NCSU for weeks at a time and no one else goes in there.

As far as the lame comments, I overlook them. I see enough of them elsewhere that I have learned to just ignore them.

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

Sorry to double post but I just thought of this a few minutes later. I didn't have BBQ for Memorial Day. I ate at a good restaurant that never makes me sick. And thanks for the title, Dave!

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

It's the story of life: Eat at Taco Hell then realize, while counting the bathroom tile for the third time, in one seating, why it gets that name. Maybe not the funniest stories but one that definately rang just a little to close to home.

whomever gave doniker the lame comment -1 score is a turd. doniker is 100% right on his commentary. this story stinks more then the tocos that caused it.

would the chief editor please get his ass out of the outhouse and get back to work, because whomever has been green lighting this shit lately needs to flush his brain with toilet 2000

Doniker, is "son on doniker" your Korean cousin, by chance? Along with "Whu Shat Doniker" (Chinese), "Mi Lic Doniker" (Vietnamese), and "Ah Fuk Doniker" (Cambodian).

DF, good first effort. you should be proud you made it on, the story wasnt bad, but there's tons of room to improve, i reall ought to submit ones i've had in the works for awhile. anyway, i'm glad it made the front page, DF obviously is a fan of the site and it's nice to see him with a story on the page.

I'd like to see some of these stories, sharty! Send 'em all to Dave. Thank you all (well, most of you) for being supportive. I'm sure as time goes on I'll have better stories to submit. I try to base them on real events, so who knows when something might happen outside my frequent diarrhea? Don't freak out. I'm not ill. I just sometimes get runs after I eat certain things or if I eat too much.

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

Well done for a first-timer. Your only true mistake was going to Taco Bell in the first place. Gosh, even the soda at Taco Bell makes me poop.

Poodemonium-- It's the ice. I'm working on a story about that. Stay tuned.
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Santa Caca!

The ice at restaurants is just nasty. I'm still waiting for GGG's comparison of the ice and the toilets. I usually just get drinks without ice; they are cold when they come out anyway.

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

Taking a laptop with you to the crapper is beyond gross. It's way up there with cell phone conversations in public stalls.

DD . . .ugh, how could you? What kind of content is so compelling you can't put it aside for five minutes to take a dump? What kind of a man exposes his computer to taco shit fumes? Sitting there stinking up the place, tapping away on your keyboard with your crusty brown fingers. Ick. This story will bring out the Howard Hughes in me next time I have to touch somebody else's computer and I'm not talking about his creative genius side. Never do this again and if you do, don't write about it, don't tell anybody, don't even think about it. Regret this episode like Pete Townshend regrets subscribing to that kiddie porn service. I'd sooner be caught in an adult bookstore buying butt plugs than be found out as a laptop crapper.

Whoa, now. Calm down. I never subject the computer to any crap. I put it down, THEN wipe, and wash my hands before grabbing it again. Also you must understand that I am a geek and take it EVERYWHERE with me, except the shower obviously.

Why buy adult stuff in a store when we have PayPal and the Internet? I haven't done it, but plenty of people have.

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

mr. G, are you saying that you've never read a magazine or book or anything like that whilst pooping? it's not much different.
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i love poop.

I thought the same thing right after I posted my last comment here. My laptop is just my modern form of a magazine, newspaper, book, etc. Plus, theoretically, I should never run out of new material to read!

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

Your story was awesome. I couldn't have came up with a better story. Son on doniker, you are a turd. He is a first timer. Why would you use such uncreative critisism! Shamey Shame Shame. (Wags Finger) And Dave, Man you is da' bomb! (Great Job Dave!)

Mr. G does make a point I hadn't thought of, though--next time I go in a bathroom where there are some magazines, I'm gonna be a lot more reluctant to touch them!

I have to agree with the poopmeister. You should be spreading creative criticism and tell them (nicely) how they can improve. Shame Shame Shame Son on doniker. Peace to Dave. You my homeslice

I'm surprised to see a "lame comment" on comments written by people because they don't like the story. We discussed this in the forum a few weeks back, and it seemed that being critical even in some negative ways was declared to be not only OK, but I was referred to as "sensitive" by the Dumpster in one a polls of CEP for getting a bit tired of people posting negatively and not getting lamed for it.

What little brown line are we not allowed to cross that makes us either "sensitive" or "supportive"?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

We all have our own criteria for Quality Moderation, but to me, it involves both (1) substance, and (2) style:

(1) Does the comment address itself to the subject under discussion, or does it shift the topic in a reasonable direction? Moreover, does it add something meaningful to the discussion?

(2) Is the comment respectful of other PoopReporters, and of the site? One can disagree with somebody without being nasty about it, as your own posts clearly illustrate.

Well, it is WAY past my bedtime. I don't know why I am up this late!

Why do I get the feeling that printing "sensitive" in quotations was a lure to this conversation?

Hmmm.

Because "sensitive" is not the same as "those who are sensitive to critical comments that are insidiously negative but not completely outright in their meaning" to someone who has no problem putting forth words in type in length. Respect should be something an intelligent person can easily see is, or is not, apparent in a post.

That's why.

Now, I'll also mention that I should be in bed so as to delineate from the fact that the post caught my eye.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Okay, let us get this straight. In public. Once and for all: DAPHNE, I TOTALLY RESPECT YOU!!

Double Flush, I genuinely apologize to you for derailing your thread, because in what I wrote, I should have been lamed, as I took attention away from your story, and you didn't deserve that. I was selfish and my comments certainly fit the criteria detailed above by some as "Lame".

And Dumpster, as the last word that I will EVER utter on this topic (out of respect for Double Flush on this thread) or anywhere, the fact that your reaction to my comments was to make romantic and gender-related connotations to me as a symbol of showing respect tells me that it's not really respect at all. It's placation. But what the hell.

I will drop it now and forever on the subject. I promise. This wasn't the place for it. Amen. Hallelujah Jaysus.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I say if you dislike something that's fine, but there's no need to bash it or be hateful, i.e. "shame on the poster for boring us with this tripe." Totally not needed. It's fine if you want to say maybe a story wasn't very fulfilling or was just flat-out boring, as this one probably was. Anyway, no need for all that.

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Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

You know, the funny thing is I've been saying that for the past month.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Is there any one else here who has every taken their laptop to the shitter?

Its almost not even a valid question because most people would be embarrassed to admit it.

Sadly, I think I'm alone.... can I get a copytight on this act of bringing modern day reading material?

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"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

Remember... Flush Twice, It's A Long Way Back To Taco Bell!
-Winston Churchill-