I'm taken by the contrast of this story with yesterday’s. In both, the author’s actions were motivated in part by love and by PoopReport. Yesterday, The Big Wiper unveiled what can be considered a shrine to PoopReport, a mega bathroom whose design was influenced by his philosophies of shamelessness, communal shitting, his dreams of life with his partner, and also by what he had learned on this site about the joys of the bidet. Today we read of how PoopReport apparently inspired another of our brothers to climb atop a toilet and void himself for the purpose of revenge and, though hard to believe, to impress a girl. I guess this is the same dynamic at work that accounts for how different people can read the same document (the US constitution, say) and construct radically opposing world-views.

Well done Nine Inch, in this case the fuckwit deserved all he got.

Very disappointing ending...the reaction of an upper decker is the key to the story.

Well written though....I loved "give birth to Satan via my asshole".

"A shit storm of biblical proportions...."

Could you furnish us with the Scripture reference, 9"?

I will have to say, for the record, that I do not condone turd terrorism, because that way lies the breakdown of organized society and the substitution of the rule of force for the rule of law (i.e. C. Everett Poop running the world, not me). But were I called on to defend your actions here, I would: (1) Move to dismiss the charges on the grounds that the act described was not within the strict definition of "turd terrorism," which involves using turd in a lawless manner, and (assuming you were lawfully on the premises as a guest of the lessee) I don't think there is a law against upper-decking your own commode; and (2) failing that, I would enter a plea of justification (i.e. the dipshit deserved it).

When you consider the many, many other ways you could have taken revenge that would have been a lot more costly to the dipshit (i.e. pouring a sack of cement down the commode; loosening the water line coupling to where it would blow off and cause a flood; torching the place), I would say he got off fairly lightly.

The only problem is that now, morally, you have no right to object next time somebody takes the law into their own hands because you've made THEM angry. But I do understand "full on absolute want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with [her] love." Do I ever! And how it drives us to do things we normally wouldn't do.

This was a great story, and so well written. As an aside, I also appreciate Logjam's comments about the Constitution. This is why original intent is the only legitimate means of Constitutional interpretation. I just wish Logjam would join the forums, where we could benefit so much more fully from his insights.

Dear Legal Eagle. I admire your desire to go to bat for Nine-Inch (so that you can make payments on your BMW?). But let me warn you that if all the fact come out, Mel (her real name is probably Tammy) will probably prove as culpable as the accused (Dipshit). From what I can tell, the guy undercharged her for awhile, didn't even make her sign a lease, and when he started to charge her a going rate and made her sign a lease, she started plotting poop revenge with the current guy she is using. Hey, no sin to buy a BMW and then work harder to make ends meet, right?

As to those of you who think you've got something solid to hold onto with the idea of original intent, the question remains how we are to decide what that was? We're still left with interpretation. (By the way, I couldn't help notice how you schemed to reinterpret what Nine Inch did as not turd terrorism when he himself described that as his intent. It's in the fucking title, no less. And this is the same kind of analysis you're going to use to interpret the mind of the constitution framers?

The Book of Feces 2:69

9IL, you should have wiped your ass and stuck the paper to the light switch or mirror. That would be true turd terror. The tube steak sounds like he deserved it all plus a good ass kicking anyway.

Problem is, LJ, we have de facto substituted the original intent of Earl Warren and William J. Brennan for that of the Founders. As I teach my law students, law is not about "what," but "who"--it all turns on who decides.

And you're right; there are two sides to every story, and, switching from advocate to judge, I doubt if I would submit a plea of justification from 9" to the jury. What he did would come within the definition of criminal damage to property in most jurisdictions, to the extent anyone else's property interests were involved. It really isn't illegal to upperdeck your OWN commode, but somebody else's--even a landlord's--is a different matter.

BTW--my car is paid for. And it is NOT a BMW!

Thunderbox: I love that. I'm thinking more like the Revelation of Poop 16:69. For it is in this book where the story of the great poop wars is told.

Dump/Logjam: on legal grounds. First, I did not title the story, Dave did (although I do admit to this being an act of turd terrorism). I was on the premises with permission of the lessee, in fact she had paid for the entire month, moved out by the 12th and her landlord refused to refund the difference so technically she could have stayed there for a while longer, but given his actions . . .

The roommate did not raise the rent (although I can understand where the idea came from given the ambiguity of the sentence), but he did want her to sign a month-by-month lease which basically said that she needed to give him 30 day notice before leaving (and that he must do the same, it also gave terms for partial month payments, penalties for breaking lease etc.)

One week after she signed the 30 day lease he gave her approx 2 weeks to get out (btw: he would have her sign the lease after paying rent, I don't know why), so technically he violated it.

All that aside, we figured that turd terrorism would be great because It's temporary (no permanent damage) and he (like CEP) would never believe that she could produce such a stink and thus would be in denial as to any possability of turd terrorism.

Sorry so long, hope this clears things up (or throws more fuel on the fire)

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Interesting Dumpster, here it would also be a crime in a way; in that Nine Inch willfully caused damage to the landlords shitter.

Most western countries have, it seems, developed the same laws over the centuries. We still have most of our law based on common law from 1500 years back when the Normans invaded. A lot came from the Romans who invaded over 500 years before that. Then the Vikings added their lot in the 900`s.

You guys in America had that taken over to the States with the Pilgrims and developed your own form from there.

Punishment is another thing completely. The Sharia based countries of Islam are still at the stage that we were during the Reformation, killing everyone in many hideous ways for minor, and often spurious crimes.

It`s very interesting that we had our Reformation/end of the Inquisition etc., after 1500 years of the start of Christianity - Islam has yet to reach that point in their calendar. It was at that time that we had the worst of excesses in Christianity before it calmed down to a more civilised religion (Cortez in South America, the Inquisitions in Europe etc.)

This is around 1500 years after the Islamic calendar started, and it`s beginning to show.

My car is not paid for, and I'll guarantee you that it's not a BMW, and I don't have a brilliant legal mind like Dumpster... But I do have to agree with him. Sort of.
My first thoughts when reading this story, a very well written story, was that I was chuckling to myself. But then I started making some connections to 9ILs behavior, and his description of the "dipshit" roommate. So the guy upped her rent? Made her sign a lease? Wow, if that's all it takes for that crowd to get P.O.'d, better keep them far away from sand box. There could be a war! Second grader?
Look in the mirror dude.
Funny story, but I'm far from being in agreement.

All of the legal discussions are interesting, but I must ask: Is there any written doctrine regarding turd terrorism? Its hard to say it was justified in this instance. People have disputes all the time. Sneeking in and upper-decking someone is a bit spineless too, if you think about it. There could have been many other reasonable avenues of confrontation other than stooping to terrorism.

I tend to think that turd terrorism could only be justified if it is done in self-defense or because there is no other alternative. Petty revenge just doesn't cut it.

Well, I don't know if there is a certain etiquette in print or not. But, and it's a very BIG but, I've always felt that upper deckers were bestowed on those we love, more as a practical joke than for turd terrorism. I think that true turd terrorism would be mailing shit, or something like that. It's still a funny story though, any time a double decker is involved, it's a funny story.

Under cross examination, 9" now says: "The roommate did not raise the rent (although I can understand where the idea came from given the ambiguity of the sentence)..." The sentence to which he refers reads: "He raised the rent and made her sign a lease." Yeah, I can see how that sentence could be interpreted as "He didn't raise the rent." So, if he didn't raise the rent, I guess he didn't raise it because he didn't really need to make additional payments on his BMW, which he may not have bought.

I all depends on what your definition of "rent" is....

Sidebar: the term double decker has always amused me because it can also refer to a certain type of bus. It conjures up ludicrous images of people taking multi-level dumps while being transported from place to place.

In Oxford, Ms., there is even a Double Decker Festival. (And, yes, it is so crowded over that weekend, that porta-potties are provided!)

Logjam - most of your previous points were valid. Now you`re just dicking around for the fun of it.

One point you missed out on, however, is that anyone who drives a BMW is paranoid about his/her identity.

OK, Dumpster. A challenge. Define rent in such a way that it makes no difference to the truth of the claim that it (whatever it is) went up, or went down. I'm confident you can do it, but the question is, how many billable hours will it take? And bill them to 9", not me.

Thunderbox. From the beginning, I assure you, I was dicking around for the fun of it.

I think the story itself was entertaining, though I would have reacted with more direct confrontation. That aside, is there anyone who can clarify something for me? Is the proper term jackassness or jackassery?

Thanks,
Hu
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I have a book published. The title...it's "Brown Spots on the Walls".

Logjam - the raising or lowering of rent can/may be, (and probably is) dependant on what the renter/lesser does or changes within the terms of the rental agreement. This must also take into consideration both parties invlovment in possible commode dumping. ie - the shitter and the shittee.

Terms should be agreed beforehand.

Most rental agreements will say that the tenant has to take reasonable care of the property and its facilities (ie don`t unload chilli shits in the tank).

As to Nine Inch`s exploits - I still salute him.

I'm confused (ass usual) Is the landlord the second grade roommate? Or are they 2 differeent people? And where was the toilet? Whos apartment?

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"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

KOC - you could be right - just a case of free (un)loading.

"I'm confused (ass usual) Is the landlord the second grade roommate? Or are they 2 differeent people? And where was the toilet? Whos apartment?"

This story was confusing to read. At first I thought "Mel" was a dude and other things didn't make sense but the main point got across; a guy claims he ate and drank a bunch of nasty shit and took a nasty shit in a toilet tank.

Doniker, as usual, cuts to the chase.

LJ: one again I must bow to your scrutiny. For clarity sake he did not raise the rent (either way I don't see it being a big factor).

KOC: The landlord is the 2nd grade roommate.

To All: bear in mind I am not claiming that this was truly justified in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of most people. For me there were three factors 1) I've always wanted to try an upper tanker, 2) This was a moment of opportunity, and 3) To "impress" Mel.

I do wish I could have seen his reaction though.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Hu, I don't know if there are such words as jackassness, or jackassery. I think that you would just call the dipshit in question, "a jackass".

Let`s not mince words guys - the landlord was an out and out fuckwit who deserved his up and comings. End of debate.

The correct (and safest) way to leave an upper decker is as follows: Remove the tank lid and place it upside down on the seat. Poop in the lid.Wipe and flush. then CAREFULLY place the lid back on the tank while keeping the mess contained as you flip it over.This way you can wipe normally while eliminating the danger of falling. try it.

Will you share with us the contents of the letter (required by law in most states) from the landlord to Mel indicating the disposition of her damage deposit

(Actually "Damage deposit" might have been a better name for this story)

I have to agree with Doniker, it would have been good to see the reaction of the guy when he say some shit in the upper tank.

Good story though, and I like the use of detail. ;)

i think the term second rate may have been a better term first off. secondly, what's wrong with beamers? we bought my little sister one for her first car (granted it's an 88, but it's still a beamer) i drive a volvo, how is that any less pretentious? you people, if he'd bought a brand new one and the little dinky 3 series coupe, that's totally image, but the z or the m coupe could be about performance, but he does sound like a tool. eh whatever upper decking is a bit juvenile, and only really to be used in extreme or drunken circumstances, i suppose this one can be ruled as.... one act of assholery deserves a gallant piece of douchebaggery.

Assholery and douchebaggery, good call!

Mike: actually, he never asked for a security deposit, and aside from the Tanker, everything was spick and span when she moved.

Sharty: I have nothing against BMW's. Actually I think that they are very sporty and great cars. But, as has been discussed earlier this week, I do think that it is stupid to go up to your eyeballs in debt buying a car that you cannot afford.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

My husband has a Beamer . . .

It's an old one, it cost him $5000, but no one knows that. The weird thing is he's not an image-conscious guy. He just likes cars.

Oh, and Hu, I believe it's "jackassery." That's the one I use anyway. It might not be a word yet, but look at all the crap that gets into the dictionary.

i do understand the going into debt issue, and you can go into debt over any car. from the stand point of it being about going into debt yeah that's definitely stupid. especially if its just over image. and a hint for all of you that are looking for the image on the cheap, just find an older bmw... hell we got her an ancent 5 series for under 3 large. oh yeah the poop, ummmm so i've seen much about upper deckers... but i've never heard how you clean the aftermath up, what would one do if one discovered the toilet had been decked? (never have.. hope i never will be)

The story was confusing to me and I didn't put much effort into trying to sort it out but I was left with a feeling of disgust. Playing with shit is really nasty behavior. Ick.

To Logjam: Hey, no sin to buy a BMW and then work harder for it, right?

I agree completely. However (whether or not the roommate did this) raising the rent is not working harder for it.

Can anyone tell me WHAT an upper-decker does? Being underwater, it won't stick like shit does when exposed. Next time you flush it'll just go down with the rest of the water, and might not even be noticed - I know many people like to have a peek at their shit, but I doin't know how many then flush and watch it go down... If I did, and I saw brown stuff coming down with the flush water, I might freak out, but other than that what's the point?

I'm all for the upper decker! The point is that the victim flushes and gets an inrush of shit to the bowl instead of water, possibly through two or three flushes. The best part of it all is their reaction. If nothing else, it can create total confusion for the victim, knowing he or she flushed and yet the toilet is full of poop. Also, if the poop is chunky, it might clog some of the holes that water flows through into the bowl. And it smells really bad. If someone upper-deckered me, I'd HAVE to get them back. After getting over the initial shock and anger.

And for the BMW deal--I'd rather get a stable job with good pay and THEN go and buy a brand new black Lexus with everything on it.

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"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

Nine-inch, you end by saying "love conquers all" but did it work with Mel? I just read on another thread that you now live with a female "roommate." I would hate to think you turned to a life of turd terrorism for nought.

What would be a truly horrible end to this story would be if Mel left you and moved back in with BMW man.

I found this story entertaining because I had a bad room mate once, and it was enough. If anyone cares to read about it, you can find it on the "stories from the monkeyhouse" section on my website. It was about defining stereotypes. Don't know if I would have upper decked her, but I'm wistfully playing that through in my mind.

Room mates can be the best thing or worst thing in your life, depending on the chemistry. I do know that the few friends that I've had stay with me over the years who were great company were treasured in that time and always will evoke fond memories from me.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

As you all know, I'm kind of new to the site, but I love it. I have a question though. Today I was reading through the shameless shitters manifesto, and while I think that upper-deckers, and for that matter, inches whole story is funny; is it turd terrorism? What would be the "disqualifier" for signing the manifesto. I mean, is "all in good fun" terrorism, where do you guys draw the line.

This is where the line is draw: It was turd terrorism. Besoiling somebody's dwelling purposely with poop is turd terrorism. It was none of 9" business anyway. I'm guessing Mel was of legal age, and if so she didn't need some douchebag to further worsen her relationship with her room mate, who may or may not have been that bad anyway.

If somebody upper-decked me, I'd scoop the crap out of the tank, go find the spinach chin who did it, and (not gently) put that poop back where it came from.

O.K., I understand. How about this though, instead of just putting it back where it came from, give the guy a curb job, except on the rim of the shit-filled tank.

Maybe I shouldn't ask, but what's a "curb job"?

As visions of scatological sex flit through my head ...

Fecal, if you've seen American History X, you'll know what a curb job is. If not, well...it's a supremely vicious form of violence. You knock out, or otherwise incapacitate someone, place their teeth on a curb, and stomp the back of their head. Sorry all, hope this doesn't get derailed.
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Yes, those are my brown spots. Yes, those are your walls.

You kinda alreadt derailed it there, buddy.

I thought a curb job was simply throwing someone out on the curb. That's just totally violent. Sounds to me like it's a way to murder someone. Man was I way off!

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"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

I hope Mel marries you!

Only a true gentleman would do something like that for his lady love. Chivalry is in fact well and alive. This story is proof.

Thanks Rectal. i'm still working on that one.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

NOW that is a story of justified turd terrorism. That jagoff got just what he deserved. He is a smacked ass and I hope that toilet tank stayed filthy for DAYS. And the best part of this is it is TOILET terrorism so it might take genious a few days to figure out what is happening. I hope he took a piss first then flushed. IMAGINE his surprise. Good Job there sir. My hat is off to you. I raise my toilet seat in honor.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Am I the only person in humanity that's never heard of a "upper decker?" Priceless story and such gallantry. Why can't I find a man like that?

I love the fact that LogFlame actually supplied direction on the proper way to take an upper decker.

Since I've never heard of this and since we never found out what happened when The Landlord returned...can someone fill in the blanks for me as to what actually happens when an "upper decker" is deposited?

Talk about a way to C-I-L-L My Landlord!!!

Personally, I can think of things just as good as crap to fill the tank with, if the objective is for it to be seen filling the bowl. Such as:
-Fill the tank with pancake syrup. Use one of those huge Sam's Club-sized bottles. This one might be bad, if it gums up all the flow holes. If it doesn't, it might be funny.
-Pour in a big bottle of dishwashing detergent. Use detergent, not soap. If all goes well, the swirling water will create a bowl full of suds.
-If the bathroom lacks a window, and you can somehow disable the light (stick a piece of cardboard in the light socket and replace the bulb, or remove the ballast from the fluorescent light) snap a bunch of glow sticks and pour them in. Even better if you get white, purple, green etc. (that is, multiple colors that don't rely on a colored outer tube) and mix them. Possibly, this plus the previous one would make glowing suds!
-If said person gets freaked by horror movies (and watches them anyway) mix up a batch of stage blood - red liquid food color and cornstarch, glycerin might work too - and fill the tank. Voila! The toilet flushes blood...

..............if anyone actually tries any of these, and somehow finds out how the prankee reacted, please let us all know... Might be difficult unless you hear the tale from a mutual friend. You both (1) freak them out and (2) avoid the stigma that turd terrorism brings. But if you really must do an upper-decker, at least mix it up by adding one of these. Bloody poop, glowing poop?

Dumpster set me thinking here - the Landlord did get off quite lightly. You can't excuse his behaviour with 'the rent was low' or 'no contract was signed' excuses. We are talking basic human decency, and he lacked it. No, I'm not thinking of concrete or anything like that Dumpster - poop will do just fine. But maybe a bit more creativity in what is done with it. I remember a very nasty and sadistic school master of ours, who was prone to reach into his desk drawer without looking, once getting a very unpleasant surprise. I'm sure this theme could be developed. In fact, I'd even experiment if I could think of a deserving case .... !!!

That syrup comment made me also think of something. There is an actual condition called Maple Syrup Urine disease. Thats right no lie here folks it exists. I dont know exactly what causes it we would have to ask Motherload or someone with medical expertise. BUT I bet you if you poured enough maple syrup in there and this guy starts to think thats what his urine smells like then that would also be a good method of revenge.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!