Hey Nazi! It's clear the freaking maid was illegal. Why didn't you shoot her right there?

Nice tale of hotel toilet destruction Kstalder....but why can`t you dig a hole in the ground, shit and cover it up? What`s so special about Indian land? The animals, Indians and wetbacks must just shit anywhere and everywhere.

I had the same questions Thunderbox, but I just do as I'm told. Decisions made above my paygrade.

Thunderbox,
Section 245-Ac/39 Prohibits any government employee from crapping without an approved and sterilized ISO 9006 receptacle made in China. The Mexican Government, however, has no such restrictions so I recommend that you throw the bag over to the Mexican side when you're done.
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Your Baby Ate My Dingo

Thunderbox, it's possible the ground is sacred. If you're an Indian, you can call anything sacred and the white-man is supposed to believe it and act accordingly.

DungDaddy, I appreciate your concern for the status of the poor woman victimized by my movement but frankly her status isn't my business, or yours for that matter.

I also recognize your powerful emotions behind the issue of immigration, but I feel that your wrath is misguided. I watch our border ~80 hours a week and the stories I could tell you are both heart-wrenching and horrifying.

I'm the first person who wishes legislation would pass to make it MUCH easier for honest people to immigrate legally and make better lives for themselves. However, right now its impossible to discern those people from the drug cartels and OTM's (other than Mexican) that, I can assure you, aren't coming into our country just to make a new life for themselves by escaping rampant corruption. If you feel strongly enough about the issue to dub me a "Nazi" I'd appreciate hearing your solutions to the problem on our border. Judging by the voracity of your convictions I'm sure its a subject on which you are very well educated through hours of unbiased investigation.

Since I don’t want my turd story to turn into a political flame war, if you feel compelled to respond on this issue my email is kstalder@gmail.com

Ironically, as I read this story I am sitting in a downtown Pittsburgh hotel room as the maid cleans my room from last night.

It's messy and I did feel alittle ashamed but after reading this story cleaning my room will be a piece of cake.

I wonder if a civilization was born and flushed that day.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Merc, you need to brush up on your International Law. To the layman, it may just be a bag of crap, but to the International Community it is a biological weapon, also referred to as a Weapon of Ass Destruction (WAD).

Remember that the Rio Grande constitutes much of the US-Mexican border. While perhaps not deep in most places, it is wide and in other places lined with cliffs. Heaving or throwing the WAD (consider the size of the payload as described in the story) that distance would be impractical if not impossible. Some device (a small mortar or bazooka) would be necessary to get sufficient velocity in order to reach at least the bank on the other side.

Furthermore, in order for the WAD to have the desired effect, it would have to be deployed in a populated area. That is, there would have to be somebody -- Mexican citizens -- in the "splash" zone of the weapon. After all, if bag of shit is dropped in the woods and nobody's around to smell it, does it stink? Even monkeys don't fling poop unless there's somebody on the recieving end.

Therein lies the problem. If Kstalder21, an official representative of the US government, were to shoot his WAD all over a bunch of unsuspecting Mexicans, under International Law, this would constitute an act of war. Considering how many Mexicans there are in Mexico and in the US, if Mexico were to retaliate, we could be in some deep doo-doo.

The US, since the 1950's, has relied on a defense strategy, called Mutual Ass Destruction, or MAD. Since this is a strategy of deterrence, and not pre-emption, we would be forced to retaliate. We would probably bring all of WAD launchers on-line and launch a massive counter-strike. Before you know it, crap is flying everywhere. In short order, the international community starts raising a stink because of US-Mexican hostilities and calling for UN peacekeepers to be deployed to the US-Mexican border. Before long, the entire area becomes an inhospitable quagmire of excrement.

And to think, that all of this could come to pass because a lone Border Patrolman had to bag his crap instead of leaving it on some Indian Reservation. Don't you think it's better then, for all parties involved, to just plug up the crapper in the hotel and let the poor, little illegalita take care of the mess? Yes, we should take the high-road here, and flush for peace.

Kstalder21, thank you for your straight-forward and equitable reply. My comment is not what you might think. Since I have taken the Non-Poopisan pledge. I went and answered you in the "Off-Topic" part of the forums. Check it out if you want.

Deja poo wins at interpretation of the law. I actually wrote that entire explanation word for word and deleted it because I didn't want to confuse people. You my friend, are a mind reader.

You guys won't believe this, but the SAME maid just came into my room right now! She went straight into my bathroom and flushed the toilet while I pretended I was asleep. She's still in there wtf. hahaha

In the famous words of the late Peter Boyle."HOLY CRAP!"I hope those bags are giant Hefty Bags.If you use the the cheap store brand the bag might break.

Hey Kstalder and the rest of your BP guys? What the fuck is with all those useless checkpoints up on I-5, I-8, and I-10? Maybe if you guys actually secured the border, my state wouldn't be loaded with a billion Mexicans and they wouldn't be on the freeway. Maybe you guys could lay down the Penthouses and bottles of lotion, get out of your air conditioned Expeditions and do what we pay you to do instead of clogging toilets in Tucson. Just a thought.

BTW, there is no border in Tucson.

At least you have some concern and empathy for the people cleaning the room. That is a noble thing. Damn to not take a shit for that amount of time would be torture to me!
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Hotel maids see it all. Dead bodies. Bloody sheets. Bathrooms that look like they were the destination of a cattle drive. It's a brave job. They literally never know what they'll find when they turn the key in the door after no one answers the standard phrase, "Housekeeping!"

P.S. If you really make a huge mess and/or stay more than one night, leave them a tip on a pillow.
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Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

I want to start with an apology, I know posting non-poop threads somewhere other than off-topic is faux pas but I have to defend myself here folks.

Mr. C Everett Poop, you sure are a piece of work!

http://www.thepepper.com/map_arizona7.jpg
That’s 362 miles of border sir. Take a look, mull it over. I thought our schools still taught this stuff in like 4th-6th grade.

As for getting out of my air conditioned suburban, I can't speak for everyone but my job requires that I trek 3 hours to a hilltop in a cutvee, set up post in a tent for 24 hours while manning surveillance equipment before I trek 3 hours back. I have no AC, and no heaters, and frankly you can go to hell.

And you all can bet I’ll be tipping the maid big time, she’s a trooper!

Oh damn, I misread your post you said "Tucson" not all of Arizona. You are correct, but we drive down on down to the border sir. I apologize for misreading but you're still an idiot ;)

So how many illegals do you actually stop? My guess is around zero, based on what I see in my state, CA. You BP guys are a broken bureaucracy. I know this should be in the flame forum but our border patrol is useless. The Mexicans have better security on their southern border than we do. At least you can clog a toilet so that's something........

to answer your question: U.S. Border Patrol agents apprehended 1.15 million illegal aliens last year trying to sneak into the United States between the nation's land ports of entry, more than 3,100 a day — a 24 percent increase over the year before.

The agents, part of U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP), also made 8,577 drug seizures, confiscating 1.4 million pounds of illegal narcotics with an estimated street value of $1.62 billion, according to the figures released by the Department of Homeland Security.

Now I'm the last person to say the system isn't broken, we need more people, we need more resources, and we need better programs than "catch and release" but I've worked a lot of places and Border Patrol agents work harder and put up with more assholes like you than any other job I've ever done or seen. Last week driving out I got hit by a U.S. citizen throwing a glass bottle at my vehicle. If you want to complain, send them up chain to the politicians who would rather speak of actions than take them and risk losing a voter base.

and, to clear something up I'm not even a border patrol agent. I'm a national guardsmen on a long term activation augmenting a horribly understaffed border patrol.

Saying the Mexicans have better border security is asinine and false, think before you speak.

The guy comes in to tell a fairly decent poop story (I liked the Turd Continent simile, btw) and all y'all are jumping on him about his job. Like the vast majority of those who work for The Man, he just works there, he is not the Grand Poo(p)bah of Border Security. Lay off, idiots.

PoopySmurf is right. Lay off the guy. If you feel like you absolutely have to share your opinion about his job, take it to the forums. :-)

hey it's a shitty job, but someone has to do it. at least our national gaurdsmen are educated literate and considerate... well at least kinda considerate, haha. great story, yet you managed to upset both the hard right and left of this site, that has me perplexed.

bwahahahahahaha!! just picturing that woman saying "lot of poopy" made me let out a loud, hearty chuckle!

great story, man.. the best poops are the ones you don't have to clean up after.. :P

Hey Sharty, thanks for the kudos. I didn't piss off Mr Dung though. He, I've come to find out, was being facetious and it went right over the top of my lil' ole' head.

I think "turd wrangling" should be in the encyclopoopia we have in the forums. Nice phrase......

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Well, you really lucked out, IMHO. It could have happened at your house and you'd have to clean it all up. And from what you described, it doesn't sound like it'd be that wonderful of a job. Why did you stay in the room when the maid came? I would've booked it out to the lobby or something just to avoid the confrontation and embarrassment.

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

How classic! I just can't see how someone would be so messed up and tired that they can go through the motions of shaving their pubes, taking a dump, and passing back out again without realizing that they had walked into an already landfill-like environment.

I can see being too messed up to realize what he's gotten himself into, but where did the coordination required to shave come from?

First off for clarity sake, the Indians are not immigrants, we are the ones who ran them off of thier land and put them on the reservations. We are the immigrants.

Back to topic. I fully enjoyed this story Kstalder21, the line about the "islasnd in the Bahamas" had me laughing out loud.

To avoid future clogs, you might want to have some sort of a poo chopper handy.

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"If December be changeable and mild, the whole winter will remain a child."

Kstalder, you have my respect, I am an Arizonan (Lake Havasu) and appreciate what your job requires. One of my friends is a retired BP, and the stories he tells are, as you said, heart wrenching, horrifying, and very sad, most of the time. All that aside, wonderful poop tale!!!

My brother had a similar shituation happen to him while staying in a hotel in Newark NJ. He only poops like once a week but it's always enormous when it makes its exit. He laid a cable in the hotel room shitter and proceeded to clog that bowl immediately. Ofcourse hotel rooms don't come equipped with plungers so he did the only thing he could think of. Threw down towels and called our mom! She put her fiance on the phone (who travels a lot on business and has come across all kinds of shituations), and he explained what to do next. Call the desk, tell them to send a janitor with a plunger up to your room. When the janitor is finished thank him/her and give them a twenty. Done and done. That's exactly what my bro did and it seemed to work out well for him.

And I do agree with you poop reporters out there who enjoyed this story - and haven't gotten into the political poop slinging!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Very interesting story, Kstalder, though I hate seeing a few people go so f-ing off-topic with political issues.
Tuscon Hilton...is that the illegitimate half-sister of Paris and Nikki?

"Lot of poopy" Oh man! Best laugh Ive had all week.

Also I used to live in Phoenix, AZ, and I want to say what you guys do is good work. I read/saw on the news all about drug busts and all kinds of things you guys stop. So saying BP useless is plain wrong. I almost did it myself if it werent for the moving...

Keep it up man.

I talked to the roommate, and he says he saw it, but he just didn't give a shit. By giving a shit. I didn't ask him about the pubes :P

so how does the story end?

Be proud of thy manlyness and put a capitol 'G' in God. Back in sixth grade in our trip to Washington DC, I did not overload the toilet, but my other classmate/roommates did tell me that I stunk it up like a real man. They went on to comment how good a ladies crap is supposed to smell. lol^1000000

Did you tip her? She certainly earned one.
Good story.