Vertigo a Go-Go

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m 1+ points - Newb
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A few months back, I had a spell of dizziness. After a couple of days, it hadn't improved -- in fact, it was worsening. So I decided a trip to the E.R. was in order. After an interminable wait to see a doctor, I wound up being admitted to the hospital for tests.

I had a nice private room with private bath. Unfortunately, I was not in any shape to make use of those wonderful facilities. Waves of nausea accompanied by horrid dizziness hit me every time I even attempted to sit upright, much less stand and walk. So I was ordered to stay in the bed and call for assistance if I needed to use the bathroom. They didn't even take my pants off, as any movement caused me much misery.

Now, nurses are great people, but sometimes they can be a little slow to respond to the call button.

So I am lying in the bed when my belly begins churning and I know a poop of massive proportions is marching ever downwards toward my sphincter. I press the call button and an unknown voice says, "May I help you?"

"Yes," I say. "I need to use the bathroom."

"Okay. Someone will be right in."

So I wait and wait, cheeks clenched, fighting a strong urge to throw up as well.

Finally a nurse enters the room. But I am a pretty big man, so the nurse has to call for reinforcements. And then I am so wobbly that they decide a bedside commode will be the best way to handle the situation. So they run across the hall and grab one that is in another patient's room. My condition is deteriorating fast while the two nurses busily wipe down the equipment with some cleaner. "Please hurry," I say, "or there's not going to be any need." But they just keep cleaning.

Finally they get it clean enough to suit them and proceed to help me up. But as soon as I move I start dry-heaving, which, of course, unleashes the river of brown goo into my pants.

"It's too late now," I announce.

But they continue their efforts to place me on the bedside shitter. I continue heaving and squirting as they undo my belt and lower my trousers. The crap is flowing like a volcano down my legs.

As they lower me onto the pot, I continue to splutter; so, of course, I end up sitting in my own.

Finally I finish and the clean-up begins. Besides myself and my clothes, I have soiled the bed, the floor, and the bedside commode the nurses spent so much time readying for my use. They change the bed, mop up the floor, and clean the pot once more. They deem my drawers unsalvageable and throw them away. They deposit my soiled pants and belt in a plastic bag to send home.

Back in bed, they give me a washcloth and I attempt to clean myself the best I can. Which is not very well, evidentially, as I realized when I got home a few days later and found dried poop on my legs and privates.

I was tested for the cause of my dizziness, but no reason for it was ever found. The rest of my hospital stay was thankfully crap-free -- although one rather funny incident did occur the morning of the day I finally got released. I woke up on Friday morning and saw a sign on the bathroom door in my room. It read: "GET STOOL SAMPLE."

I asked the nurse when she came in my room what they wanted a sample for. She said they wanted to check and see if a virus had been the cause of my great runniness. Only problem: since my big explosion was three days earlier, the bug or whatever it was had clearly disappeared because I hadn't took a dump since. They should have got their sample when there was plenty of stool available, on the bed, on the floor, in a plastic bag containing my pants and my belt, and, despite my best efforts, crusted on my legs and privates.

13 Comments on "Vertigo a Go-Go"

Anonymous Coward's picture
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poor bastard i know exactly what you mean it seems when you tell them you have to go they think you mean in a few minutes not now. To make matters worse my nurse said she had seen it all but i did surprise her a bit with my load it was enough to make her gag, silly nurse thought i was joking until she had to clean the sink out but thats another story

VERY CLEAN Anonymous Coward's picture
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What kind of hospital lets you lay in bed with dried poop on your legs? I wouldn't care how wobbly I was....I'd have those nurses sit me on the shower floor and hose me off. Laying around letting poo dry on your nutsack is no way to spend an afternoon let alone a couple days!

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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That is why I have a living will that says "do not hospitalize". I could not take something like that happening to me.

CC's picture
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Nurses have to put up with alot of shit.Some are great,some are not.My friend Dave,who once shit in a urinal,said when the day comes when he can't wipe his own ass he's checking out.When my father spent his last days in a nursing home the highlight of his day was taking a dump in his diaper and getting a cleanup and a new diaper.

shithappy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Truthfully, the day this incident happened, I didn't give a shit(pardon the pun)how much crap was drying on me. I was in no shape to sit up much less take a shower. They did not even let me out of the bed until the day I went home and I was weak as a kitten when i got there. But the old lady cleaned me up once she got a good look at my backside and legs when we were getting ready for bed that night.

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points
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--"It's too late now," I announce.--

That's awesome. It takes some real balls to state that in the throes of soiled humiliation. Way to keep your chin up.

I've had slow-to-respond nurses a couple times and it's not pleasant. They probably get too many people who cry wolf to come quickly at the first call of distress, but you (we) are the one in the bunch that makes them rethink that! (although, thankfully, mine has just been upchuck).

I bet they were regretting the precious seconds they (probably by official guidelines) had to clean the bedside crapper, only to have it not matter in the end and wind up having an even bigger mess on their red-tape bound hands (all-be-them super sanitized)!


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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I have a few horror stories involving waiting for nurses to get back. When I had my surgery they pumped a shitload of gas into my system, plus, I was reacting very badly to the anesthesia, so I was nauseated. In the middle of the night I rang the nurse when my pain killer and anti-barf medicines wore off. It took her several minutes to show up and then several more to come back and put the medication in my IV line. If it's a choice between excruciating pain while waiting for the nurse, or having shit all over me and waiting for the nurse, I'll take the shit any day!

I'm guessing (despite what the doctors said) that your dizziness, combined with the liquishit and nausea, was the result of an inner ear infection. Vertigo can last for weeks after one of these bad boys and eventually, all the snot in your ears will drain into your bowels and stomach, causing the above mentioned symptoms of squirts and pukes. Inner ear infections are also harder to diagnose than middle or outer, so they don't always show up on lab tests. (I know this from experience) If this happens again, have them check your ears.

Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better now. Thanks for the amusing poop story!

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Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Shit monster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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OMG, that musta sucked royal dick. I would HATE to have something like thgat. Im glad youre better now.


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(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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Yicks, Dude!

I worked as a CNA through college and believe-you-me, I always did my best to get to people before they had a craptastrophie, but I didn't always make it either.

Most of what always held me up was waiting for other people. Getting approval for this or that, or finishing paperwork before doing something-it's all a big pain in the ass and takes tons of time away from actually helping patients feel better.

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It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Does this remind anyone of the scene in "Terms Of Endearment" in which the Shirley McClaine character storms out into the reception area and screams for her terminally-ill daughter's (Debra Winger's) pain meds?

McClaine won an Oscar for this film, and I'm willing to bet it was for the five straight minutes of screaming she did in this hospital scene. You'd like to think it wasn't a strictly accurate depiction, but from the story posted today about the inertia of the nurses, it may well be dead-on.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

MousePoo's picture
l 100+ points
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There's a max-heat hot shower. They could've cleaned you up. "Here,sick person,do it yourself." is pretty cold.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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what bitches! They couldn't help you to the shower? What a damn shame our healthcare system has so many oblivious assholes in it.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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how is it possible that the ass explosion you had could have been worse than a the bed pan being scrubbed down. It would seem the hospital room floor, the bed and whatever else you ass juice covered would have been a nastier source of germs than the bed pan.