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 What Grew Out Of AntibioticsPosted 05.18.2007 by busted freckle (10)
Editor's note: this story was originally published in "Funny Shit," an Australian zine that seems to have the same mission as PoopReport. It's reprinted with the author's permission.
A few years ago I was having some serious wisdom tooth pain and needed most of them removed. Trouble was, the tooth doing the most playing up was infected, so before I could have it pulled I needed to clear up the infection by way of antibiotics. The dentist warned me I'd probably experience some constipation -- it was a side effect of those tablets, he warned me, but these were the quickest way to clear the infection. I really thought nothing of his warning. I made sure I finished the course -- I didn't want to experience that kind of pain again. About a week later, at my girlfriend's house, I finally needed to go to the toilet. I sat down and waited for some action, only to realize I was in trouble and there was no turning back. After about half an hour of sitting, my legs were cramping, I was sweating all over, the odd tear was running down my cheek, and I was nowhere near the end. Beneath me was the head of a monster. I was facing the worst. And for a while there, I was in a state of panic. My girlfriend was also pretty worried by this stage and had taken up position outside the door, occasionally asking me if I was okay. I wasn't. I reckon I had this thing about a quarter of the way out. It seemed to only move on its own terms. Pushing only resulted in severe pain. And it was too early to snap by wagging. I knew that the beast was thick and solid because I could feel it between my cheeks when I stood up. (I needed to rest my legs.) I was stuck in a very awkward situation. At one stage I remember calling out for my mum. I couldn't take it anymore -- the frustration had taken hold and I all I wanted was this thing out of me. My girlfriend was still pacing and I think she may have even phoned my parents. Thoughts of grabbing it and pulling it out had crossed my mind, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. At this point I was at the sink, looking at myself in the mirror, talking myself through it, washing sweat off my face, when I thought to take a look. I turned to see something resembling a tail. It was around the same size and shape of a cricket bat handle. The thing was massive. It didn't even flex from its own weight -- it stuck out at forty-five degrees. I almost laughed until I remembered that this was happening to me. I went back to the toilet to give it one last try. I looked between my legs and the bastard was already in the water. I looked away, staring at the wall... this was it. The end came quickly. It was as though it had had its fun. It seemed to leave me without even touching the sides (though it probably did). And the relief was almost orgasmic. I felt euphoria, like I'd completed a marathon but was still running on adrenalin. There may have been laughter, there may have been blood -- I was delirious. I looked down to gaze upon the monster. It was huge: halfway up the bowl, disappearing down the S-bend, and frighteningly thick. Truly an amazing feat. The wipe turned up nothing. I guess it had a conscience. Post new comment
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