While I Was Sleeping...

// // 67 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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I am regularly involved in many manic poo-related incidents. I think it's time I shared some of them. I'm gonna start with a simple (but still embarrassing) story that happened to me two years ago -- although the smell of my humiliation still lingers.

I was dating this guy. He was sweet, honest (I think), and VERY hot -- the defined kind of hot that makes you proud ya' bagged him. Things were getting pretty serious. After six months of dating, we had moved in together. It was a mutual agreement.

But I couldn't delay the inevitable. So before we moved in together, I warned him of my toilet habits: I am a regular pooper, I need a toilet available constantly, and I'm a SHAMELESS POOPER. That's putting as much stress on the phrase as possible.

He merely laughed when I explained this to him. Oh, how soon those laughs would cease...

The two of us were morning people. One morning, a morning I will never forget, we both woke up early. I normally have to take the first of many daily dumps in the morning, and this morning was no exception. But this morning was also perfect. I felt so comfortable and at peace lying in bed with my boyfriend that, despite the pressure building in my anus, I decided to hold it in. That's something I normally can't commit to. But that day, I did.

So we lay, enjoying each other's silent company. And somehow, I fell asleep. Going against all my previous experience and wisdom, I fell asleep knowing full well that a turd was waiting to escape into a watery grave.

I woke up feeling strangely relieved. Feeling happy at this odd occurrence, I relaxed and sunk back into the mattress. And felt something rub against my leg. And push gently into my cheeks.

My heart fell -- just as my load had sometime during my slumber!

"Morning," whispered my boyfriend. Horror struck me. I tried to get up and make a run to the bathroom, but he wrapped himself around me on the bed. He started rubbing me with what should have been soothing hands, but his touch only enhanced my horror. And then, thinking like all men, he started moving his hands down to my ass. Without as much as a pause, he squeezed the (thankfully) outside of my underwear, which, of course, meant he also squeezed...

He froze. I froze. I think the world froze. Everything froze as my then-boyfriend clutched -- yes, CLUTCHED -- my shit-homing underwear.

You can probably guess what happened next. He freaked out and we broke up shortly after, these two incidents separated only by an interval that mainly involved him frantically washing his hands.

67 Comments on "While I Was Sleeping..."

poop scarer's picture
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wow thats gross

Gaseous Glay's picture
l 100+ points
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That's awful. Do you have a medical problem?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Personally, if I were the boyfriend in question, I would have been sympathetic and waited for you to get cleaned up (and would also have found it quite a turn-on, though I probably wouldn't have told you this).

Sounds like he was a bastard and didn't deserve a girl like you. :-)

pooprincess's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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How on earth could you not hold it in girl?! How horrible! I am sorry about your experience though.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Lydia, is it possible that after he felt your full pantload, during what he thought was going to be "happysexytime", that he thought your description of being "a shameless pooper" meant that you weren't afraid to poo in your pants after this incident?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

CaCa Doodle Doo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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OMG---you didn't even try and stop him from hugging you???? That's crazy, girl! And was there no smell? Strange...

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I normally have a wise ass comment to make, but this one has left me speechless. I'm hoping Bilgepump will come to bat for me.

Logman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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What a dick! Sounds to me like you don't need him, if he can't be understanding when it comes to something like that.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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(Same Anon Coward as earlier) I agree totally with Logman. Not only would I have completely understood - bowel problems can happen to the best of us - and been sympathetic to your plight, I would personally have found it very sexy.

I don't understand why some men are so disgusted at the idea of women having bowel movements. For me, women who are open and honest about these things are very attractive, and I would find nothing more erotic than sharing an intimate fecal moment. Not because feces itself is sexy - it certainly isn't - but because of the intimate, private nature of that part of a person's life.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Babe, you should have warned him. That said: he is a bit of a weeny for braking up because of the poop.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Gross. My dogs don't even shit the bed, awake or asleep.

CC's picture
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I've taken alot of shit from women over the years but you have to draw a line sometimes.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Well, my eyes have stopped watering, and the dry heaves have just subsided. You should have just giggled and said "how did the remote get there?", and then headed to the bathroom.

Eoz's picture
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Wow, that sucks.
Do you have a medical problem? One of the things we learn to do during childhood is to make use of our sphincters and hold in our poop (or pee) until such a time as we can use the bathroom.
Too bad he wasn't less of a wuss and didn't want to stick around... but I'd give serious thought to breaking up with someone who will crap in the bed if I wasn't madly in love with them!
I liked the story, though. Well written!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Bet you're wishing you had a cat.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Um, wow! I've had very rare occasions (when sick or extremely pregnant) where I've pissed myself in my sleep. But I've never done that!

Still, I agree with the others above that your boyfriend could have been more sympathetic. That's always a test of a good man. If he can grasp a turd laying in your underwear and understand your embarrassment, he's a keeper. If not, he's a superficial jerk who was only interested in your goodies.

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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I'm not interested in chicks with a load in their shorts and I'm not a superficial jerk.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I guess her "sleeping like a log" turned into "sleeping with a log".

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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true. you're just a regular jerk.

i also agree maybe he could've been more sympathetic, but i also agree that you should've warned the poor guy! you obviously knew where his hands were heading, and i don't see how saying, "stop! you don't wanna do that," and making a dash for the bathroom is any worse than just laying there and letting him do what you know he's about to do.

but i know we don't always think clearly in situations like these.

_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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Oh he squeezed ur poopypants! Yeah he should've been more sympathetic.
Shit happens, sorry it happened to you.

Shits Happily In The Shadows's picture
l 100+ points
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Eww.
Well, think of it this way--if he was that much of a pussy in this case, I can only imagine how squeamish he would have been if you two had children together. Something tells me you would have been stuck with diaper/potty training duty.
Yes, perhaps it was a bad idea to hold it in, and you possibly could have excused yourself, but he was still an asshole.
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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(Yes, the same Anon Coward again; I'm addicted to this site but can't be bothered to get an account. I'm also the guy who posted as "Anonymous Conservative" on other threads. I'm from the UK btw.)

The Shit Volcano is quite right. Even if the guy in question doesn't find girls' turds sexy (and 90% of the male population don't), he should be sympathetic. Anyone can poop themselves. 10% of the male population, including me, think this is the most sexy thing a girl can do.

I know it's incredibly unlikely that I'll ever meet you in real life, but meeting a girl like you is my absolute dream. I'd love to sleep with a girl who's just pooped (or about to poop) in her panties.

Plunder's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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So tell us, Lydia, do you frequently poop the bed?

This tidbit matters. If by "shameless" you meant "I sometimes poop in bed" then you should have told him that. I too would be pretty turned off by someone who didn't recognize that's UNusual behavior that's worthy of mention.

On the other hand, if it was indeed a freak accident, well, yes he's kind of a dickhead.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Well, let's turn the tables, here. All you girls - if you're cuddling with your boyfriend, and you find a load in his pants, and he didn't warn you, how would you handle it?

Be serious.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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id drop your ass in a heartbeat. thats so disgusting. should have warned him, then it would have been ok.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Most of you are condemning this guy, but look at it from his point of view. Lydia manages to unload her bowels whilst completely relaxed, sleeping. Sooner or later she`s bound to drop a load on him as she`s bouncing up and down on his cock. And probably quite often. He made the right decision based on the available facts.

The voice of sanity

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Use elbows and hard words at the time of emergency.

Use kisses and soft words to explain afterwards.

Use lots of duct tape and crude words to pack his stuff if he's too much of a wimp to deal with your problem.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Wow…somehow I missed this story yesterday.

1} I am 44 years old and have been with my wife for almost 14 years…if she shit the bed I wouldn’t leave. But if I think back to my attitude when I was younger and if I was 6 months into a relationship with a chick and I clutched a load of her poop while I was caressing her ass, I would most likely dump the chick. She would have to be rich, a model or sexually dynamite for me not to.

2} You must be a real sound sleeper, on drugs, have absolutely no muscle control in your sphincter or you have received so much anal sex your butthole is trashed; even with the flu, diarrhea, passed out on liquor or whatever reason I have never shit the bed while I was sleeping.

3} I agree with a previous comment, wasn’t there a nasty stench present? The boyfriend didn’t smell it?

4} Don’t get me wrong; I know women shit, I have had anal sex with women and have gotten shit on my dick…I’m not a fecal prude. But this story is revolting.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Is there some way 4} can disappear?

Eoz's picture
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"Is there some way 4} can disappear?"
My sentiments exactly.

Although I agree with doniker. If my husband shit the bed, I wouldn't cut him loose. I could deal with it.
But if a new / casual boyfriend crapped the bed... he'd be toast, sorry, unless he had EVERYTHING else going for him. Crapping the bed at the start of a relationship just isn't cool.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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anonymous coward, just so you know, you can type in a different name without registering. which you apparently do know, since you've done so on another thread. but if you're gonna keep posting, you should at least pick a name so you don't have to keeping saying stuff like, "yes, the same anonymous coward as before..."

or you could just register. we both know you're going to eventually anyway! may as well start racking up those valuable user points now.

and daphne, i'm really not sure what i'd do in that situation. i tend to have a hard time predicting how i'd react in any given situation, because there are too many factors involved. i also can't see the future!
_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

Anonymous Conservative's picture
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OK, Wonderpance, I'll explain myself. I used the name "Anonymous Conservative" on other threads because I was making posts related to politics. I felt it would be inappropriate given the nature of the comments I'm making on this particular thread.

And I'm not going to register. I value my complete anonymity; for obvious reasons, the posts I've made on this particular thread would be very embarrassing if anyone I know in RL ever found out about them.

You're right, though, I should use a consistent name. It will be Anonymous Conservative on all threads from now on.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Like in many relationships, things that happen early on that may be funny, or cutsie may later be a problem. That cute little snort she makes when she laughs may be sexy now, but in a few years every time she does it you will want to take a pair of vice-grips to her nose. Fast foward this relationship 10 years (and about 200 pantie prizes) later, and you see what I mean. I'd be grabbing my own ass in the morning.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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i understand your concern, AC. believe me! but you could register and still be anonymous. you don't have to use your real name to register, you could make a new email address at yahoo or something that you only use for logging into the site, you don't have to use any of your real personal info to register (like location and stuff), and your username doesn't have to identify you at all! you could be Mr. Poopypants and nobody in real life would know it's you! you could even register as Anonymous Conservative, though it's not very poop-related. and if you registered, you wouldn't have to wait for people like me to approve your posts!

it's your choice, obviously. i just personally don't see any reason not to do it! (after considering my above arguments, that is.)
_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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What is so bad about 4} ???

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Nothing, I was eating a banana at the time.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Chocolate covered?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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That was the longest cringe of my life.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Shit, PD, I thought you were suffering a permanent face cramp.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points
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Hey Lydia, great story, sorry it happened. Since you now know the end result, should it happen again you could test a new line. Maybe something like "Just making a little room for you big boy" ;)
_______
Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

big brown's picture
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umm- yuck- my dog wont even do that- i bet it smelled too

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Good thing you weren't wearing a thong.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Afraid to Fart's picture
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You should have just smiled and said "Mmmm, I just love breakfast in bed..."

sick phil's picture
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aww a surprise, how romantic

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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A conservative in the U.K.? I didn't know there were any over there lol. Stay strong brother.

As for the story that's a big phat LMAO!
That would totally gross me out but I would certainly be laughing about it later and not dump you over it. You seem like a cool girl. As long as you throw away the skid mark panties I would totally date you.

Anonymous Conservative's picture
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Yes, British conservatives do exist (we do have a Conservative Party, you know). Admittedly the general consensus is further to the left than in the US (for instance, very few of my friends agree with me that the death penalty is a good idea) but there are plenty of us who are fiscally conservative, support tax cuts, etc. Personally I'm very interested in US politics as well, and I support McCain in the coming presidential election. (I quite liked Romney as well, but I can't support Huckabee; his views on many things are frankly bizarre.)

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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Had I been titling this one I would have called it :

To sleep, Poochance to Dream.

Coward's picture
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That is just disgusting.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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What a dickwad! To leave you like that because you pooed yourself. Shit happens and I am sure that if the doo was on the other ass you too would be grossed out BUT if you truly loved him you certainly would not leave. You are much better off without him and one day you will find someone that is a true keeper and a shameless shitter as well. Good luck on your quest.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Shitwit, you're right about the thong. Getting one to hold in a turd would be sort of like tossing a coin and having it land on on its edge.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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its surely time form some rubber underwear.

_______
i just cant work this one out????

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

beerfarts4u's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Did he sniff his hands afterwards?

fetoretor's picture
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Ever hear of encopresis

Some Random Guy's picture
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This story was interesting and slighty disturbing. Not that many people ned to know about the butt grabbing part. Other than that the story was entertaining and funny.:)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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*** Sounds like he was a bastard and didn't deserve a girl like you. :-) ***

Sounds like she was a dumb bitch who knew she had to dump, didn't, then expected her boyfriend to have to deal with her idiocy.

Marcus's picture
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I would have been turned on. I also wuld help her clean up and when we were done i wuld comfort her because i know she wuld be disgusted by the whole thing. depending on how big the shit was then i would probably try anal sex with her.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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The guy was probs in shock!! He was ready to eat some cream and instead he got sticky chocalate!

kjetski's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I would have allowed her to stay if she was hot and brought a freind. Otherwise it would be adios...

True I have gotten feces on my purple helmeted warrior of love, but that was with my girlfreind of two years and an ex wife. I even had my wife crap on me after I drilled her English mud hole.... But(t) I was doing the drilling, bound to hit oil (well sort of a brown slurry) some time.

stopThisSickeness's picture
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I really think the guy is a complete, unrecoverable prick... and a disgusting sexist... why making a woman feel ashamed of her bodily functions? By the way, I really think the way she described what happened sound very, very sweet and sexy... I am sick of tired of repressive assholes who cannot even show respect for women's organic beauty, in case they aren't smart enough to truly appreciate it... they should all go and buy plastic dolls instead, to get some relief for their mental shit... women: stop being so tolerant with men who feel so arrogant about female bodily functions, there's nothing shameful in being natural, in finding it pleasant, and in expecting that who loves you can accept it.

Bananaman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Is a turd in the hand worth a poo in the bush?

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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apparently he is one of the few men who finds anal sex, and the poo it leaves behind, undesirable. oh well plenty more fish in the sea. i still don't understand how you shit while you slept.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Unbelievable's picture
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Just WoW unbelievable!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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Gross and touching. No one else is turned on by this story? Lydia has more balls than most of you hung mother fuckers. And to Mr. A-Conservative-since your MIA from PR, and no one wrote a retort to your rambling bullshit, let me be frank-McCain's a fucking murderer and a toxic human being. And his wife is a cunt!
Any questions?

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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New motto for whenever II feel sorry for myself:At least I never squeezed a turd that was in my girlfriend's pants.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Anonymous's picture
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Personally I think that it's pretty hot for a girl to shit herself, it would make me love you more.

Anonymous's picture
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You should have made up a scene and kicked him out of the bedroom so you would have had time to wash yourself.