How The Ayatollah Says To Poop

// // 45 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was recently re-visiting one of my favorite sources of "wisdom," a collection of Ruhollah Khomeini's political, philosophical, social, and religious sayings. During the Islamic fanaticism that erupted in Iran during the late '70s, it was known as "The Little Green Book." It is filled with amazing quotes (reading it aloud at parties is great fun) on a wide range of topics and fascinating interpretations of Islamic law -- e.g., how many goats you have to give your neighbor if you accidentally sodomize one of his children, etc.








The Ayatollah Khomeini, who took over Iran after the Islamic Revolution in 1979. He died in 1989.





The Ayatollah had many fixations, basic bodily functions being among them. I've decided to compile the poop-related quotes for you below. Should you ever stumble across a copy of the book, it's also well worth the read for what he has to say about sex, menstruation, marriage, Islamic justice, etc.


[from Chapter 9, On The Manner Of Urinating And Defecating]

It is required that everyone, when urinating or defecating, hide his sexual parts from all pubescent persons, even his sister or his mother, as well as from any feebleminded person or children too young to understand. But husband and wife are not required to hide them from each other.

It is not indispensable to hide one's genitals with anything in particular; one's hand is enough.

When defecating or urinating, one must squat in such a way as neither to face Mecca nor to turn one's back upon it.

It is not sufficient to turn one's sex organ away, while oneself facing or turning one's back on Mecca; one's privates must never be exposed either facing Mecca or facing directly away from Mecca.

Urinating and defecating are forbidden in four places: blind alleys, except with the permission of those living along them; the property of a person who has not given permission to do so; places of worship, such as medersas; graves of believers, unless one does so as an insult to them.

In three cases, it is absolutely necessary to purify one's anus with water: when the excrement has been expelled with other impurities, such as blood, for example; when some impure thing has grazed the anus; when the anal opening has been soiled more than usual. Apart from these three cases, one may either wash one's anus with water or wipe it with some fabric or a stone.

The urinary orifice can be cleaned off with water, and it is enough to wash it just one time after urinating. But those in whom the urine comes out through some other orifice would do better to wash that orifice at least twice. This must be observed by women as well.

It is not necessary to wipe one's anus with three stones or three pieces of fabric: a single stone or single piece of fabric is enough. But if one wipes it with a bone, or any sacred object, such as, for example, a paper having the name of God on it, one may not say his prayers while in this state.

It is preferable, for urinating or defecating, to squat down in an isolated place; it is also preferable to go into this place with the left foot first; it is recommended that one keep his head covered wile evacuating, and have the weight of his body carried by the left foot.

During evacuation, one must not squat facing the sun or the moon, unless one's genitals are covered. While defecating, one must also avoid squatting exposed to the wind, or in public places, or at the door of one's house, or under a fruit tree. At the time of evacuation, one must also avoid eating, dallying, or washing one's anus with the right hand. Finally, one must avoid talking, unless one is absolutely forced to or is addressing a prayer to God.

It is better to avoid urinating standing up, or urinating onto hard ground, or into an animal hole, or into water, especially stagnant water.

It is recommended not to hold back the need to urinate or defecate, especially if it hurts.

It is recommended to urinate before going to bed, before having sexual intercourse, and after ejaculating.

After urination, one must first wash the anus if it has been soiled by the urine; then one must press three times with the middle finger of his left hand on the part between the anus and the base of the penis; then one must put his thumb on top of the penis and his index finger on the bottom and pull the skin forward three times as far as the circumcision ring; and after that three times squeeze the tip of the penis.

A woman has no special instructions to follow after urinating; if she afterward notes some moisture at the vaginal orifice which she cannot judge as pure or impute, the said moisture remains pure and in no wise stands in the way of her performing ablutions or praying.


[from Chapter 10, On the Manner of Eating and Drinking]

It is forbidden to consume the excrement of animals or their nasal secretions. But if such are mixed in minute proportions into other foods, their consumption is not forbidden.


[from Chapter 11, On Purity and Impurity]

There are eleven things which are impure: urine, excrement, sperm, bones, blood, dogs, pigs, non-Moslem men and women, wine, beer, and the sweat of the excrement-eating camel.

The urine and feces of any excrement-eating animal are impure. This is equally true of the urine and feces of any animal which has been sexually possessed by a human; and the urine and feces of sheep which have been fed on sow's milk.


[from Chapter 13, On the Nature of Water]

If excrement, urine, or other impurities have polluted running water, only that part of it which has been changed in odor, color, or taste becomes impure; the rest remains pure.


[from Chapter 17, On Fasting]

Taking an enema, even for medically therapeutic reasons, breaks the fast; but the use of suppositories is not forbidden; however, it is preferable to abstain from using opium suppositories.

---------

All quotes taken from the English Language version, published by Bantam Books in 1979. ISBN 0-553-14032-9.

-- Dave Shameless

45 Comments on "How The Ayatollah Says To Poop"

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Any animal that eats is excrement has impure excrement. Especially if a human has had sex with it. Good to know.

However, there are serious benefits to codification of purtiy and sanitation laws: people learn how to keep clean. In the west, our bathroom code is more or less unspoken (which is why this site can exist), but that results in problems -- shame, oppression, etc. If everything were codified, than there would be no shame.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

I'm glad I don't have to live by these rules. I wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't have any of
"the sweat of the excrement-eating camel".

Nicky's picture
0
0

Ok I just have a suggestion to all the wifes and girlfriends of men with chronic constipation. I use to date one of these guys and he use to love it when i went in the bathroom with him, while he tried to go. We'd talk I'd rub his back hold his hand, kiss him, hug him, encourage him and comfort him. He said he always felt better These were our special times and the first time I ever saw him cry tears of pain was in the bathroom. My heart went out to him.

ThreePly's picture
0
0

Well at least its good to know that I'm not the only one who's ever whiped their ass with a stone. I just wish it hadn't been pyrite. But now I have to change my whole technique. I've always wiped my ass with my right hand while I was evacuating. Oh well, I must please the Ayatolla. I'd better find some smoother rocks the next time I have to crap.

poopmagick's picture
0
0

"There are eleven things which are impure: urine, excrement, sperm, bones, blood, dogs, pigs, non-Moslem men and women, wine, beer, and the sweat of the excrement-eating camel."

Wow...I've been equated to a shit eating camel!

Justa Girl's picture
0
0

I fear I've led an extremely sheltered life since I've never had to wipe with a rock, or squat in a blind alley with the permission of its resident. I've never (to my knowledge) come into contact with the sweat of an excrement-eating camel, nor have I consumed the exrement or nasal secretions of an animal (with the exception of whatever is in fast food). I will, however, welcome an opium suppository- bring it on, baby!

PooperGal's picture
0
0

You just haven't lived until you've had an excrement and nasal secretion milkshake!

It's good to know that we can pee or poop on someone's grave to insult them. I used to think that we could only dance on them.

the shit reaper's picture
0
0

hahahhahhahaah.... man...
Nicky: awesome! (I'm forcing my g/f to read that as we speak)

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
0
0

I am so, so impure...
I've eaten sperm, bones, blood, pigs, wine, beer AND non-Moslem men and women.

Justa Girl's picture
0
0

Di, come let us piss and shit on the graves of people who have angered us throughout our lives. I'll bring the excrement sandwiches if you bring some tall rum and camel snots.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
0
0

Dammit, the people that piss me off are the ones that will never die! It's so true that "Only the good die young".
Anyone know where I can get FRESH camel snot? I can only get the canned stuff here. Camel sweat isn't that easy to get either. I guess I'll check ebay.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
0
0

Now this explains why I am 100% Atheist. I mean, not facing the sun, moon, Mecca, or anything else? How do I know the the crapper in Mom's house doesn't face Mecca?
Not letting others see the nether-reigons IMO is also a totally bad idea. I grew up wondering if my penis was the right size.
Many of the "Sexual Liberation" people are total whackos, but they do have a few good points. I probably wouldn't be such a freaking pervert if I understood things before I turned 15.
(Insert rant about private cathlick school here)
I have thought of pissing on a few graves, but the idea to pinch a loaf over one never occured to me.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Ha ha ha!!! What a right-wing religious freak! Who would take that much time to contemplate taking a dump? Oh, well.

To Di, the best place to get camel sweat is from a freshly humped one. Ask Osama bin Laden. He does it all the time and I'm sure he has some spare sweat laying around... Then again, it might be contaminated.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopshipdestroyer's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Tydirium, I really like what you said about the relationship between codification and shame. I never thought about it like that before, but what you said opens up a really useful way of thinking about cultural attitudes toward shit. Do you have more insights into this relationship? We should talk.

John-boy Jovi's picture
0
0

Proud to be an INFIDEL!

Jack Scat's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I think it is really interesting how some of the recommendations (admittedly only a few) are totally in-line with what our medecine people tell us. Urinate after sex. Wash under the foreskin. Don't hold it in.
Sound advice. Hurray Ayatollah!

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

PSD -- you're a girl, right? Will you go out with me?

Just kidding. No, no other insights. If i ever become a genius again, I'll let you know.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
0
0

Well, Jack, it is good to piss after sex, and it is good to shit when nature calls.

However, so much of the rest of this Ayatolla is cruel BS.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
0
0

Just fucking great.
I'm Christian.
I'm a wino.
I spend my entire day with an 80 pound American Bulldog.
I'm pretty well impure!

I guess I'm kind of lucky I gave up the habit of eating bloody sheep shit with that giant bone while masturbating on my shit-eating camel, or I'd be really in trouble.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Skid Marky Mark's picture
0
0

What's with this "wiping with three stones" nonsense? It's like the "three shells" thing in "Demolition Man." Hmmm...

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

I was thinking the same thing, SMM.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poonurse's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

Hey, I wrote this a LONG time before the damn Ayatollah did.

Words to live by.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
0
0

Poonurse, I wouldn't doubt it.
Hahaha.
I still say Poonurse for president.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

poopmagick's picture
0
0

I second that, daphne. All hail poonurse!

Poonurse's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

Nope--I already got roped into writing for the Poop Doctor forum! I don't think the American public would like my solutions to the worlds problems.

They all involve nuclear devices.

PooperGal's picture
0
0

Hm. Poonurse sounds like my soul sister in solving world problems.

As for the Ayatollah, some of his stuff is purely for hygiene; others of it is purely for Islam. The Old Testament wrote the laws on poop hygiene long before Islam was a twinkle in Ishmael's eye.
One line in Deuteronomy instructs people to leave their encampment when they need to poop, to dig a hole in the ground with a sharp tool, deposit the turd, and to cover it well. The Hebrews invented the concept of "Don't shit where ya eat and live."

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
0
0

Do they really mean stones?

And, yes, I read this in the old testament, too. Lots of rules for hygiene and ways to atone for being impure and stuff.
Would have sucked to be a goat back then.

Do they really mean stones? Ouch.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

There should be specifications about these "stones". Don't use obsidian!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

PooperGal's picture
0
0

The way some toilet paper feels like sandpaper, sometimes I wonder if we are wiping with rocks. ;)

Yeah, stones. When you're in an arid, Mediterranean climate like the Middle East's got, sometimes rocks are all you have at hand, so to speak. I guess it beats using a handful of dirt.

Kinda makes you think about a deeper meaning of "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone." Who would be the first to pick up a stone to throw at someone, if all the rocks are smeared with someone else's poop? Hmmmmmmmm.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Ha ha!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Bungjumper's picture
0
0

PooperGal:

Would it be less revolting to pick up a stone and hurl it if it had *your* poop on it as opposed to someone else's?

PooperGal's picture
0
0

Bungjumper,

Throwing one's own feces is a time-honored tradition among primates such as chimpanzees and humans. Any good prison riot wouldn't be complete without prisoners lobbing their turds.

So, throwing a stone with your own poop on it might not be so hard for a motivated person. Personally, I would think very hard about my own sinfulness and would refrain from throwing the first stone based on that alone. Well, okay. Even if I were without sin, I still wouldn't throw the first stone if it had my crap on it. I'll admit I wouldn't be much help in a prison riot.

:-D

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Super Bowl Sunday sucks! No one ever reads Poop Report!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

PooperGal's picture
0
0

Apparently, no one has read this thread since Super Bowl Sunday!

Pox Poopynator's picture
0
0

No offense to any gods. But I am an anarchist. All this procedure seems unneccesary. I mean Stones for god sake! Why not just squeagy ass it for a while, other than have to walk like you got a t humb shoved up your ass. I'd stick to bein an AmerICAN

Frank N. Beans's picture
0
0

What in the hell is wrong us!? I'm trying to find a good way to clean up doog poop from a carpet and the next thing I know I'm laughing my ass off thinking about sexually possessing excrement-eating camels whiles chowing down on concoctment of carefully mixed oatmeal, nasal secretions, and feces of my neighbor's goat.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

You ever had sex with a goat? It's not baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

Scant Artist's picture
0
0

The Ayatollah pooped on a nation! with his shitty thinking.

I make sure to crap on his grave, if the opportunity arises. Cross my heart and hope to poop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
0
0

[from Chapter 10, On the Manner of Eating and Drinking]

It is forbidden to consume the excrement of animals or their nasal secretions. But if such are mixed in minute proportions into other foods, their consumption is not forbidden.

Well, I think I'll make a nice tuna and possum shit sandwich with mayo and pig snot.

Anyone hungry?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

MMMMMMM, pig snot.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

great. just great and we have to fight these people to improve their lives ?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
0
0

Well, I guess I'll have to put off that dog snot smoothie I was going to have before I retired tonight.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture
0
0

I am a construction worker so I guess I can just wipe my hole with a piece or rebar.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
0
0

Unbelievable. It would be hard to know when certain of those conditions would be met, especially the one about eating food with just a little excrement mixed in. I can just imagine food being slightly contaminated as pulverized camel dung blows in along with the sand during a sandstorm. How would one tell?

Anonymous's picture
0
0

No. Do you read? There is no war in Iran. Don't be stupid.