The Shit Of My Career

// // 245 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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"I just took the shit of my career!"

I was a senior in college the first time I heard that phrase. A dorm buddy of mine had just walked into my suite to watch a little television (I was one of the few guys that had a portable in my room that semester) and, as we were watching some mindless show, he turned and ran that expression past me. He then proceeded to describe the monstrous turd he had just unleashed in his own suite bathroom down the hall. (I have a theory that Shameless types tend to attract similar minds; or, perhaps it's that the Shameful cling together for courage against the annoying dingleberries of their pooping lives.)

At any rate, my friend's utterance resonated with me then, and still does now. For me, it perfectly summed up that one memorable poop that I will never forget no matter how long I live. It took place when I was a third-grader -- just your average frenetic flash of freckles and red hair, absorbed in running around the schoolyard to burn off the energy of boyhood.

The "shit of my career" came upon me with all the attention-getting power of an audit notice from the IRS. I remember the feeling as if it had happened yesterday -- and I can't recall any sensation approaching it since. I was struck by a sudden heaviness in my bowels, which caused me to come to an immediate stop. This was no attack of diarrhea -- I could tell that nothing was going to detonate. No barrage of lit firecrackers, this. This excremental time bomb had a long, slow fuse.

I literally had trouble walking to the boys' bathroom. This turtlehead was of the snapping variety -- poking in and out with more authority than most -- and I remember it had me waddling the last few feet to one of the stalls. As I poop-reported in my early stories last year, I used open stalls without a problem from the fourth grade through high school, but my elementary school bathroom had doors. No locks -- but the stalls would close. So it was not at all unusual, therefore, to be walked in on by another classmate during the greater or lesser shits of one's novice career.

In this particular case, no one actually witnessed my feat. I will never forget the feeling of relief when my ordeal was over, nor my surprise at the size of the product in the bowl. For a third-grader, it was quite impressive -- both in width and length -- and surely would have rivaled a grown man's prodigy. I can't even begin to recall what I had eaten the day before (or days before, if this was the product of postponed pooping), but I can vouch for the fact that never since can I remember being so satisfied with my system.

From every imaginable angle, this was indeed the shit of my career. A solid, ass-stretching yet not terribly odiferous or strain-inducing experience. Once I had planted my little bottom on the bowl, the peristalsis became platonic. During that respite from the rigors of recess, I was indeed The Wizard of Ahhs.

I would dearly love to recapture that perfect pooping sensation; but though I generally operate with all systems go these days, and have produced some masterpieces of merde over the years, I may have to face the fact that I have already achieved my magnum opus.

So, fellow poopers, how many of you can zero in precisely on your water-loo?

-- The Big Wiper

245 Comments on "The Shit Of My Career"

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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Third Post Rules!

The term "Wizard of ahhhs" is the one item I will remember most about this story.

I can't remember exactly when my career shit happened, but it was at Grandma's house, and my "ahhh" feeling felt like it lasted 30 minutes.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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I remember walking up the hill from the subway to my house. I remember the pain. I remember breaking into a half waddle half run. I remember cursing and praying and wondering if the irony of running a website called Poopreport.com was about to catch up with me. I remember imagining dropping my keys, but I didn't. I made it.

This was the time in my life when I had started taking powdered flax seed every morning -- basically, I had been overdosing on fiber. The log came out long, smooth, and effortlessly, folding on itself in the toilet.

I quivered for minutes.

Deuce Fan's picture
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I was 13 years old (October, 1988)..being from the Midwest, small town, hunting was a major past time for boys and their dads. Well...this was my first year hunting deer and my third time out. My pop always told me to 'do the deed' before going into the woods. Well, I am now an every other day excretor of the slush...but in my childhood, my brown gates would tend to open up after every meal. So after breaksfast at 5am, i felt no urge to empty the fecal cage. After putting on my attire, walking up and down the hills of southern indiana, on the ohio river, and then climbing a tree ... 15 min later..it hit me like a botl of lightening...hot flashes, sweaty palms...tightening spinchter...that damn second helping of Hot chocolate and whipped cream, i thought. I tried holding it back, but the more i did, the more powerful it grew. I reminded me of the blob...the more it ate and went on, the bigger and stronger it got. Well this blob had to be eating my intestines, it felt like my lower abdomen was about to explode. I was helpless. Up in the tree, layers and layers of clothing, my poor tunnel of sludge was on fire and I had no where to go ( not to mention wiping materials) and my turtle was giving me a vicious battle. So what does a 13 yrd old boy do, out in the middle of the woods, up in the tree, no time to climb down??? well, i did what any helpless kid would do.... I negotiated the guantlet of clothes...loosened my safety belt...put my bare white ass for the world to see out there and released the treacherous beast upon the world! The relief was instaneous...never again have i been so relieved. After the slide of exctasy occurred...lets just say, I 'lost' my glove in the woods. I climbed down the tree and buried the dead snake as best i could..(as you hunters know, its not good to shit in the woods where you hunt). Needless to say, i didnt see any deer that day, but a few weeks later a giant 7 pt buck walked by...he is now on my parents wall...ive named him stinky! Karma's Reciprocity!

fullofsht's picture
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For me it was the Christmas day dump of 2002. A truly memorable event after being backed up for several days.

mudpusher's picture
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What, no computer references?
Milwaukee, June 28th 1982...
My buddy and I drove up to Milwaukee just to hang out for the weekend. After a full day of doing mindless tourist stuff we went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. I sat myself down for what I thought was going to be an average poop, when my bunger said "uhhh....nope" The pressure was there but I just couldn't deliver. Thirty minutes later and all the searing pain of a soldering iron being shoved up my butt, "IT" was born. The end of this behemoth looked like the grip end of a baseball batt x2 including the mushroom head. No wonder this bad boy wouldn't come out. This sucker wouldn't even flush. I had to call hotel maintenance for a little help. He came out of the bathroom and asked who did this. I sheepishly pointed to myself. He looked at me and just gave me a little salute and walked out.
One of my proudest moments.

Chuck's picture
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An October Saturday 2000, we were building a ramp for a recently wheelchair-bound fellow parishioner. His bathroom was being remodeled as well. Therefore we did not have an available toilet. Ramp construction took about three hours with a dozen or so capable builders. Throughout construction I kept breaking wind but never had the urge to drop a loaf. Never did I feel pressure, stomach sloshing, the familiar pangs posted on this site. Nothing. The afternoon passed and I went home. Once upon my porcelain throne I released a one-piece monster. Smooth, slightly damp, no complications, no straining, and it kept coming out in one piece. Finally the tapered end signalled completion. My creation must have been a foot long. It was like an iceberg, the lower end disappearing into the toilet nether regions and the top sticking a full three inches out of the water. Too bad I didn't have a wife or girlfriend at the time. My summon would have been,"Honey, come here and look at this." One clean toilet paper swipe later and my career crap is now a memory.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
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I guess mine happened just a few weeks ago at work. I really had to take a power dump, but when I got there, it wouldn't come out. So I squeezed, and a little came out, and I squeezed more, and a little more came out. I just kept squeezing and the poo just kept flowing from my bum like toothpaste from a tube. Only I wouldn't be so keen on brushing my teeth with this. Anyway, it took like 5-10 minutes of constant pushing before this turd finally broke off. When I was done, I took a look. A baby boa constrictor was curled up in the bowl. Never in my life had I had a snake shit like this, but I always wanted to have one. I was so proud, and I wished for someone to show. Unfortunately, the women at my work are all prudes, so down it went. I'll never forget that shit.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Too bad you had no one to appreciate your "work", AB2K. We women will always suffer from that, I think.

I would have to say the poop of my career, thus far, was the one I had at home after Thomas was born. I hadn't pooped in 4 days, something that has never happened to me, ever, and the German hospital diet consisted of tons of grains and lunchmeat (before I quit eating critters).

It not only tore every stitch in me (4th degree episiotomy), but it also clogged the toilet. It put me on the disabled list for two weeks and caused me to be anemic for months (blood loss).

I don't know who was harder to pass, Super Turd or Thomas, who weighed 8 pounds.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Chuck's picture
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During my college days one fellow went to the hallway bathroom at 2AM. He rushed back to awaken his roommate and show him the huge turd someone else left unflushed. To take pride in someone else's work, at 2AM nonetheless, shows respect.

Brother BigLoaf's picture
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Like many here, releasing a large amphibian back to nature seemed monumental. I remember once in college getting the urge between classes and running to the most private toilets available in the basement. In the solitude I let forth a huge constrictor that left me awestruck. But I've read the record turd is 12 Ft 2 Inches and took 2 hours and 12 minutes to produce. Talk about keeping me humble! I can't imagine the techique needed to produce such a masterpiece. Did the guy crab across the floor on all fours? It boggles the mind. I have no idea if it's true but I have read it several places. Sure makes you feel inadequate. Sent me into therapy a while but I'm ok now.

Porky Poo's picture
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Once I went on a camping trip and I didnt wanna poo in the woods so i didnt poo for like a week... eventually I got sick and threw up a 8in. turd that had been sitting in my intestines

ouch's picture
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you did what?

Turdmatic 6000's picture
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Oh ick. Thanks, Porky, now I've got the dry heaves from imagining what week-old diseased poop marinated in stomach acid must taste like. That story deserves to be written up in full detail for the main board!

My best dook ever was about a month ago. It must've begun life as 2 turds that somehow fused together. The leading half of the pair felt like a smallish baseball trying to get out, and took a great deal of careful pushing to ease ever-so-slowly past my timid trapdoor, which had already known a great deal of misery from some of this grogan's older brothers. Once I finally evicted the first of the Siamese twins, the second offered no resistance at all to the pressure that had built up behind it. Instead of more struggle there was nothing but sweet release as 8 inches of brown Crisco hit the U-bend so fast I could feel the vacuum it left behind for a long while afterward.

Almost any poop can satisfy, but that was the only one I've actually savored...

Deuce Fan's picture
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You cant throw up turds....can you?

mudpusher's picture
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Not possible Porky....sorry

Fudgepump's picture
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Porky, whatever came out the front door that day wasn't a turd, unless your stomach connects directly to your colon. Maybe it was a hairball.

Chuck's picture
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Deuce, a girlfriend and I were watching television one night after dining on Mexican food and margaritas. I let out a barely audible belch. My girlfriend caught a whiff and shouted,"G-D, did your mouth take a shit?" That is the closest comment I have heard to the throwing up turds dilemma.

Beavis's picture
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Do you ever get the feeling that you've lost something after taking a particularly good poop? It seems like every time I take a big dump I'm always checking my back pocket to see if I left my wallet somewhere. I guess it's all part of that ahhh feeling.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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"Masterpieces of merde", I love it!

My masterpiece has yet to be shat as I top my last every few months. The most recent was a nasty butt-tearer in Mammoth, where I had been on 1200 milligrams of calcium for three weeks. When I finally pooed the thing must have been about three inches across and was streaked with bright red blood. My butt spurted blood all over the toilet bowl until it looked like a cup of red Easter egg dye. Fortunately, the blood eruption was never repeated.
Damn calcium tablets!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

dookie dog's picture
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I used to drink massive amounts of coors light I'm not kidding, like 30 24ouncers it took me awhile...hours I'd get totally shit faced. The next day I'd crap out these huge logs always plugged up the system. After I sobered up I couldn't shit like the good old days, it's taken like two years to go half way normal. Since I started reading poopreport it's getting better, poopreport my 12-step program.......

will's picture
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I guess my most memorable was the "Black Friday" that I posted here a couple of months ago...That one was part in my briefs & the rest in a stall at the Forest Hills bus stop.

bigintestinedgirl's picture
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the shit of my career was when i was 11, we went to hawaii for the family vacation of the summer and it was the day after we had arrived, i guess some of the plane food had effect on me because i was queasy for like a day and i thought i was going to puke, but low and behold it decided to come out the other end.....anyways when my family was out enjoying the pool and the shops i decided to go back up to the room and relieve myself and relieve i did. It just wouldn't stop flowing it was as if somebody had turned on the sink and had broken the handle off.....anyways i just felt so nice afterwards that i decided to deem it the shit of my career

Tummyfull of Scat's picture
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bigintestinedgirl sounds smokin!

Deuce Fan's picture
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Dookie Dog...30 24 ouncers??? How big is that gut...HOLY SHIT!

My 'best' shits are eating a shit load of hot wings..then the next day drinking a gallon of water...SLIDERS!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Ew!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

dookie dog's picture
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I'm 6'6 350 but when I drank at one point I was over 400lbs it's scarey health wise.....

Dumping Jack Splash's picture
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My experience was very similar to Chucks (see earlier) - I was about 17 (1975) and on my way to my girlfriends house one evening. As I passed my school the urge came - not painful, just a 'merde message' saying "NOW"!! I made a quick pit stop. (I was a day pupil at a boarding school so it was open in the evenings).It was quick, easy, and MASSIVE! Two huge logs that both ended well out of the water! Little did I know then that I would never manage to repeat that poo - but I live in hope....

I actually wonder if your logs get smaller as the years go by. Mine seem to be. Anybody else have any observations?

Nice that a couple of women have responded to this thread. It's always good to have tales from the "fairer sex"!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Hey, Dumping Jack Splash, I really like your handle, man! If you were registered now on the Forums, I would have voted for your handle as my favorite (see: Your Favorite PoopReport Handles post on the general forums.)

As for your observation that logs get smaller, I would have to say that I believe it's more that there is greater inconsistency as we get older. I still can put out a healthy brown snake, but I can remember clearly that until I was 22 years old, I had never experienced diarrhea. Perhaps it's that the systems of our youth (excluding those with IBS and other complications) are more vigorous and resilient, just like everything else about us.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

dookie dog's picture
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hey Dumping Jack Splash, Yea your about 46, me too same thing for me I yield less have to eat oatmeal, brown rice, fruit etc. to knock out a decent log and it's usually not a solid crap but a pile of loosened sludge like Dairy Queen dark choclate icecream in a cup, oh well can't eat the icecream{I'm diabetic} might as well shit it out.

Dumping Jack Splash's picture
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Thanks, TBW. Took a fair bit of thought before I came up with Dumping Jack Splash....and now I've just spent 3 hours looking at the general forums for the first time!!

There is sooooo much on this site - and doesn't time just fly by when you're having fun.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Yes, Dumping Jack, there is quite a lot on PR to explore--particularly in Archive City. Some posters find interesting threads from 2001, 2002 and 2003 and bump them up to the head of the class.

P.S. I can't think of your handle without picturing Whoopi Goldberg shuffling around the room in those huge slippers trying to understand what Mick Jagger is actually singing on that tape. Cheers, dude!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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At least you aren't picturing her naked.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Would that be before or after she went on the Slim-Fast diet? (Like it matters...)

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I agree. I don't think it matters.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

2LiveStews's picture
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The poop of my life was one log that was so long that it actually came out of the bowl! I had hover off the seat as it started to touch my butt!

none big pooper's picture
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I wonder what kinda poo Whoopie makes... small and stinky,, or big and "forever to clean" ??

e.t.'s picture
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my experience is nothing to write home about, just very satisfying. the other day, i went to sit on my toilet to produce my daily bowel movement., did the usual stuff, urinate and then always let go one loud gas fartsound. after 1 push only, out came slowly the most beautifully formed wide product i have ever seen, with out much effort. i only wish i could of shared that with someone, since i was home alone.

kimmie's picture
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this is to funny.

e's picture
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This is really funny

String of Shits's picture
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I like to refer to a string of shits as "The Streak." I ran track in college and my body basically became accustomed to shitting around my workout schedule. It also started digesting differently, I'm sure. I was still gettting good dumps like the average person but for some reason my digestive tract changed. I know this because about a week after I stopped running, "The Streak" began. Nearly every day I had to take a book (a magazine wasn't big enough) into the bathroom with me. Luckily I had my own bathroom in the pad I was renting with some friends. These shits were monumental. Any one of them would make the average man's top ten list and they were coming every day! At first I always made sure I had a plunger and did the double and triple flush. Eventually, the shits started getting so big that I kept a metal clothes hanger by the toilet in order to break them up before flushing. I had to break the shit up, flush it, wipe and then flush again. Day after day after day after day. This lasted about two months until my body re-adjusted.

Cal Ripken, Eric Gagne, 1972 Lakers, Joe DiMaggio, Edwin Moses and Tiger Woods are all known for record setting streaks. I dare say that my name should be mentioned with them. Nary a day went by for two months in which I didn't use the clothes hanger. I actually had to change clothes hanger every two weeks.

Jazzmin Jenkins's picture
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POOP is really cool!!!!!!

ian's picture
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My story is one of greatness and of tragedy.

My friend Ben and I had been wandering aimlessly around Houston for a few hours, and landed in a mall. I had been on a streak of bad shits recently: only two a weak, small struggling ones. I had no real urge to go for days at a time, it was truly a dark point in my shitting life.

But that all changed on that fateful summer day, 2003. Memorial City mall, Ben and I had sat at the food court, shooting the shit (no pun intended), when it hit my bowels like a punch in the gut. I knew something was amiss.

I ran to the then-newly-constructed bathrooms by the carousel, unzipped, pulled down, sat. Stared at the stall-door and strained slightly, as is my custom, then felt The Destroyer make it's final decent from my intestine. The Destroyer stretched my ass like a penetrating black man. My eye's bugged out and my mouth opened slightly, I leaned forward and tried to stay silent as this monster exited my ass for a full minute.

When it was all done, I turned around, slightly scared at what I might see. There was The Destroyer, content at being liberate. It was a full foot long probably, the width of my forearm at least. It was so clean, I didn't bother to wipe. And I ALWAYS wipe.

I started to stand up (wavered while doing so), read to sprint to tell Ben to come bear witness to the Good News, a Greater News than Jesus' Ressurection. I was Peter running to the Disciples... then it hit me: THESE NEW BATHROOMS HAD AUTOMATIC FLUSHERS.

I was frozen. If i stood up, The Destroyer would be flushed away into oblivion. I had no cell phone to call for witnesses. I toyed with the idea of just staying put until Ben got worried and came looking for me, but that might take hours. I then tried to stuff toilet paper over the sensor as to obscure the light. I stood up and hoped for the best.

The Destroyer was taken from me with a single whoosh of counter-clockwise swirling water.

george cloony's picture
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Wow. Some of you people really go on. The truly impressive requires few words.

You are familiar with the movie "The Perfect Storm?" Well a buddy of mine had the perfect turd the other day. Who knows what he ate. He sat on the throne and unleashed a massive, solid column in one quick neat push. A two square wipe came up clean as a whistle and he stood up to admire what he knew was a masterpiece. But all that was there was two clean squares of Charmin. The turd was so long and solid that as he shat it, it snaked up over the trap with enough of its weight past the center of gravity that when he pinched it off, it pulled itself right out of the bowl and down the drain. No skid marks. It was the perfect turd. Period.

Anonymous Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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1984, the day after Thanksgiving, at work. Three loads in a single dump, one after the other. And three times the normal load quantity. Unbelievable!

Ouch's picture
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I, haven't had the shit of my career, but i am witness to someone elses. My sophomore season of high school football i witness the largest giant sequoia in Wisconsin.
Our senior lineman (i think he was a right takle) launched the biggest muddy scud before homecoming 2003 in our locker room.
He came waddling out of the bathroom inclove (our locker room's bathroom is basically a cubby hole next to the exit with a pisser an shitter with a half wall in between, the door was broken down in a fight, and the lazy assed janitors never got around to putting a new one up)and talked a few of the other underclassmen to see the shit of his career. From all the comotion and excited exiting the packed cubby, my curiosity got the best of me and i forced my way to the front of the crowd. There lay before was excaliber. The turd was massive. It was pop-can sized in diameter and dove deep into the depths of the porcelain's plumbing some where beyond the U-bend. A hush drew over the crowd as the proud pooper wrapped his hand in tp and grabbed the brown behemoth and pulled to find the end. Thankfully the girth of the dump kept it from riping apart, but after easing the head past the seat, the crowd and owner gave up on finding the end of this monster. We left her as she stood erect out of the bowl saluting all those who dared enter, with a hand print around the neck of it.

Our finally guesstimation on the size of the turd was 2 in diamter by 28-plus inches in length.

I feel bad for those lazy-assed janitors who had to flush that bastard down. They seriously don't get paid enough

PineconeQueen's picture
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My parents always teased me about pooping out huge pinecone turds as a kid, but my Triumph de Dump was when I was 5 years old. I came home from school and felt awful. I remember telling my pet bird about rocks in my tummy and I excused myself to the can. I pushed so long and so hard I literally CRIED. I moaned on that toilet for a while. I finally felt my poor little butthole slam shut as it hit the water. I was so scared of the turd, I ran out of the bathroom never to return.

Later that day my mom tore into my 300lb FATHER about letting out a 'gut grenade' and not flushing.

To this day mom has no idea it was me.

schloopypoopy's picture
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Hmm, I suppose my career turd event would have to be when I was around 5 or 6. For some strange reason that I have long forgotton, I decided to make a poopsnake outside, even though the john was empty. I very non chalantly walked past my mum and announced I was going outside to "play". Play the bareass openair poopflute was what I was doing. I had some serious inner grumblings, probably from the 2 packages of PopTarts (Strawberry) I had early that day without mums permission,
Once outside, like a true shamless shitter that I was at a young age, I stepped off the porch and leane dup against a support post, dropped trou and squeezed out an imppressive, "slickwillie" type of grogan. I was admiring my creation when who comes out to see what I am playing with, but mum. Well she just stands there looking at me with hands on hips for a full 60 seconds. I very proudly said, "Look Mum! What do you think of THAT?" She wasn't impressed and proceeded to tell me to "pull your pants up young man" and handed me a roll of TP and instructed me to pick up my impressive childturd and deposit it in the proper place. I reluctantly did as instructed, and carried it inside and dropped into the loo. I waved goodbye as it spun in tight circles and then slowly disappeared. My mum grounded me for a week, beginning my new career shift into shameful shitting which is still occuring today. Killer thing was, I heard my mum tell pop about it later that night and boy did they laugh there asses off.

Just another teenage pooper's picture
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Today I had the shit of my career..

It started at school today, and I felt a need to release gas, so I did. Not once, not twice, but too many times to count. One of the farts came along with a tink I don't think I have ever released before, so I stopped and thought it was better to keep the gas until I got home. The result was painful. About 4 hours later I was at home, and I relaxed playing some playstation and releasing gas for myself. I started to feel the urge to shit, but desided to play one more mission on the game.. I knew it would take 30 minutes but I thought I could keep poop.. I managed to keep the poop, but when I got up I relalized that I had challanged fate. I HAD TO GET A TOILET ASAP. I almost ran into the bathroom, and sat down on the bowl. Letting go of 3 big logs, and alot of smaller ones.. I guess I sat there for about 15-20 minutes, and just thought that it is times like these that make life worth living. It felt just great!

flushing meadow's picture
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I have to share this story. I was at some mediocre hotel this year while on a weeks training at the local university. Well things were not just moving being away from my beloved porcelain U bend. I decided I need to do something and took a laxative. They normally take about 12 hours to work. So the next day things are still all quiet. By three that afternoon I had some serious volcanic grumbles going on while trying to concentrate on the oaf leading the training. I was car pooling with some people so I could not just leave them there. I eventually was banging on the keyboard keys to conceal the sounds and practiced the ancient art of silent fartage I had no idea my sphincter had that kind of control. All the time I was thinking please let gas not turn into a solid or even worse a liquid !! Eventually I got to my hotel room and let rip the nastiest shits I have ever seen . Like little hot pellets ricocheting off my anus pitting the bowl before landing in a soupy mess. I sprayed I flushed I sprayed again the stank would not move. At one point I hear some other people walking in the passage asking if a sewage pipe burst. It was then that I knew I had released the mustard gas of shits

The god of shit's picture
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that record 12 footer that crap was mine....in the woods....and it hurt a lot....i dont want to talk about it or repeat it.....all i will tell is i had to go to the hospital after that....that....demon

Chocolate Log's picture
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It all started when I hurt my back and I was laid up in bed for a week or so. The doctor came out to me and prescribed some very strong pain killers. The wife fetched them and told me the chemist had warned her about the constipation side effects. Still, the pain was severe so I chomped down 2 of those suckers every 8 hours. Because I could hardly move I was eating stuff that I normally would not bother with, like soup, broth or mashed boiled eggs, anything that could be put in a mug and either supped or spooned. After about 3 days I realized I had not launched a brown bomber recently but thought nothing of it as I did not get the urge to open the bomb bay doors. After 5 days I was feeling most uncomfortable and I was releasing some foul smelling mouth farts. On day six I struggled to the target zone and sat down ready to fire the annul equivalent of a scud missile. Must of been a dud for no matter how I tried it would not even enter the firing tube. After about 30 minutes of straining to load I gave up. The next day the burps where so disgusting I felt sick with the constant pungent taste in my now rasping mouth I was determined to let lose the stored up cannon ball in my guts.
I drank plenty of strong coffee and got the wife to knead my stomach until she had to stop because of gagging on the fumes of my oral stink pit. Another trip to the launch site, but this time with a plan. I would strain and relax in cycles, hoping the back flap would expand little by little. Eventual I felt movement, slow and struggling but movement. I increased the strain involuntary, I could not stop, all control was gone. Suddenly there was a gynormous thunderclap of a fart that probably echoed all the way back to the sewage works, and out she slid, black as night, steaming in her foulness, cursing my ring with an acid hot oil lubricant that oozed from her dense solid stinking body. Despite my back pain I shot up clutching my raging burning arse and coated it with a bottle of hair conditioner that was handy just to try and cool the sizzling scar tissue. However that giant slug of dung must have been just the plug, as a spray of obnoxious liquid ejected from my sticky asshole in a powerful thrust that I had no hope of directing to the bowl. It seemed to dry on contact with the wall, floor and the hopelessly out gunned turd vase. And the gas that came with it, the very devil himself could not have brought forth such a throat stripping fog.
Never the less, my ahhs and oohs were well deserved, once my dirt box had cooled down I slept a deep satisfying sleep.
I give that dump my career shit award on the amount of tonnage, volume, colour, stench and ring pain

rump pump's picture
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It wasn't the poop of my career. About 12 years ago, I was in living in a college dorm. About three doors down from me was a basketball player that was 7 feet 2 inches. We had no way of proving it was him though.

All I remember is my roomate came running in the room, holding his gut, and laughing his ass off. He insisted that I go look at the size of this floater in the toilet. I went and this was, to this day, the biggest log I've ever seen. I estimate it at 12 inches, with a hefty diameter. The only rational explanation for a turd that size was that it had to be the basketball player. I've laid some big ones in my days, but nothing matched that.

The Amazing Anus's picture
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The poop of my career happend when I was like 7, I was at my Granny's when I wen't for a shit, it didn't even feel like I had, but...there it was, it was a giant spiral around the ring of the bowl, the best part was I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WIPE!!! thats never happend befor, anyway, that was, with no doubt my best shit.

Doug Smiley's picture
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I just took it, 30 minutes ago. Still got that "ahh" feeling. It was so amazing I had to look up Poop Websites. It was the equivlent of 2 - 3 of my usual turds put together. It was curled up in the bowl, covering the bottom and the hole. It wouldn't flush.

It seems I've always had the same size poop, at least since i was 4 or 5. Thank god my hole has grown since then! I dreaded pooping then, because of the searing pain and straining needed to drop one. My mum had to give me laxatives (not the mouth kind!) several times. I had poops that would have been respectable for a 300 pound man. Coming out of my little hole, well you can imagine. I still take very large shits, but I thank god that my hole is bigger!

Goatse Man's picture
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For me, life keeps getting better. The more I make my anus expand, the fatter a shit I get. The fatter a shit I get, the more I have to rewrite my records.

Now my next goal is to have a turd that is fatter than it is long.

Sean's picture
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I took a dump so big about a month ago, My pants actually fit better after it was over...This dump was also a double-flusher

Hans's picture
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At work I am know as the "Drydocker", I turn off the water to the toilet, pre-flush twice, then stuff a mop in to get the last bit of water out. When the bowl is reasonably dry, I leave one of the biggest, foulest dumps possible. I then deposit the toilet paper in a plastic bag and take it somewhere where it won't impact the "visual". It's a hoot to watch the first person walk into the crapper after that.

Jorge's picture
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The biggest dump of my career occured to me after my pals took me out to an all-you-can eat buffet, and put laxatives in my vanilla milkshake. Yeah...We were leaving, and it was about 6 PM when the urge came over me. I had to dump. I got in the car, and tried to hold it in, but i couldnt. It seeped out. I was prairie doggin it. I told the driver to stop for gods sake and ran across the street to this hardware store and took the dump of my life on a demo toilet.

Bill's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I feel like i need to share this story with you enthusiasts...
Warning...If you have a weak stomach, then this is not for you...
It started on the day the i went to Ensenada, Mexico, for a trip by myself. I was, at that time, a journalist for Outdoors Magazine. I saw many great sights there, like La Bufadora (The Blowhole), and the Swapmeet. However, Down in Ensenada, their "bathroom policies" are different. I walked up to this food vendor who was selling taquitos, and bought a few. That was a mistake. As i was making notes about the beautiful landscape, i felt my stomach growling, which was unusual. Then i passed gas pretty loudly, and boy, did it ever smell. I felt like i sharted or something. You see, i have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and that is a syndrome where you are overcome with urges of having to poop. What i didnt know was the Mexico woldnt accomodate to my needs. A motel down by the Swap Meet was hosting open restrooms, so i decided to go to the restroom to wipe myself off. As i got to the door, there was a lady sitting behind a desk with a piece of paper and a pin, and she said,(*This is actual dialogue from my notes)
"You need to use bathroom?"
"Yes"
"You need to buy toilet paper here"
"Buy it?"
"Yes, we dont allow stealing toilet paper"
"Who would do that"
"Is $1 quarter roll"
I sharted again.
"Look, lady, i have got to wipe myself off OK?"
"$1"
"Fine"
I paid the measly $1 for the toilet paper and went into the restroom to wipe myself off. Then, the IBS overcame me. I tore off my pants and prepared to sit down on the seat when my eye caught sight of this behemoth sitting in the bowl, and skid marks on the seat. I panicked, and all the stalls were full. DEsperate, i ran over to a urinal and pushed. A bunch of diahhreic liquid came out and splattered all over the bowl. Finally one of the stalls was empty, and i ran in there and pushed like a woman in labor. Meanwhile, the desk lady had come in to do a "ckeck" and noticed the urinal.
"Dios Mio! Fernand!"
"Que"
"Mira!"
"Ay! Dios Mio!"
Even though i had no clue what they were saying i continued to push. But then my worst fears came true. I had run out of toilet paper.
"Excuse me! Lady! I need more toilet paper!"
"Dios Mio!"
I had no choice but to use the seat protecters that were in a box behind me. I stood up to look at my waste, and it was a horrific sight. Never before had i ever seen a disgusting piece of yucky junk before. Then, i threw up all over the stalls just by looking at it. The lady came back in and hapened to see the puke all over.
"Dios Mio!"
"Lady! Toilet Paper!"
"Ay! Fernand!"
All of a sudden, i let out a series of farts, and turds came pouring out of my rear. I could literally feel the splashing. Then, it was all OVER. OVER. Thank god. But there was still more to come. I sat back, relaxed. I could hear Fernand talking and the lady yelling.
"Fernand"
"Si?"
"Do these toilets have POWER FLUSHERS?"
"No, No"
"Too bad"
I pushed the stall open and took in a breath of fresh air. I then turned around to flush the toilet. It wouldnt go. So i just left it there. And that, my friends, was the true poop of my career.

armondo's picture
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I tooka shit and oh my god it comes out like a giant log. but it still keeps coming out and now the toiletis full. I'm shitting and crapping and shidding and i have to stand up because shitis above the toilet water. nowits above the toilet line. now i'm shitting piles and piles and then it's overflowing the bowl. i'm trying to flush inbetween shitts but i turn around and of course i shitted all over the floor, and the toilets stuck. so i'm pushing the shitts down the toilet with my hands and shitting at the same time. so then i get some sdown the toilet and i turn around and there's a big pile on the floor. I'm picking it up and putting it in the toilet. Shittin gthe whole time, and now its shooting out like chocholate from a garden hose and eventually i give up and just died of shitting. i can't even believe it. also it wa in mexico too.

The Shit Machine's picture
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I never have a single miracle turd. Every time I unload one of those lincoln logs, I fear that I must cut it in half with the toilet brush so that it will fit down. I usually have to flush and plunge for all of my turds.

sister swampass's picture
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Do we only post about solid poops? What about Poopee. AKA flu poop.The kind you cant get rid of no matter how much you wipe. I talking Rhea so bad it splashes up your back on impact. I have shit and thrown up at the same time, and this my friends was my most memerable moment on the can/bathtub.

grunting tiger ass dragun's picture
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the career grizzunt of doom was when i was 22 years of age.my wow hole was plugged up with a demonic turtle head of mexican food descent.three large classic nachos from fastaco extra cheese and peppers oooweeee.the jumbo grunto was 14 inches long 2and a half inches around and believe it or not icleared out a 4 bedroom house with the fragrance of eau de colon. i shared this brown baby boy with my wife and she still wont come near the bowl after ive been a bombin.

captain colin's picture
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I remember my greatest shit after a weekend fishing trip at a local paylake.Everyone who goesa fishin nos all you need is bait and good ol ail 8 the best ginger ail ever.Well onto the shit the ride home that sunday seemed normal until i felt a small rumble that grew like an earthquake.I felt like i was makin the car shake you no when you get that rumble and hope noone heard it well my father did and he asked if i wanted to stop.I said ill be fine worst mistake of my life my stomache hurt so bad i had to release some presure i let one rip it was like cs gas we rolled down the windows and kept on truckin all i could think about was that porcelin throne because there your the king.about a half hour later we arrived my grandmas house i new i could make it i hoped i could make it i had to getting out of the car was a slow process then the porch i new i was seconds away from fate the door was locked my dad droped the key a another uncontrolable fart slipped out my dad said are you ok and I yelled open the f*ckin door it opened and i ran and jumoed up on that throne of many proud kings and shit so hard i almost went unconsios with pleasure thats the best feeling when you get that shit out and after an amazing machine gun fart power sprayer shit i thought back to yhe moment before the door opend and thought oh shit what did i say to my dad that was the longest wipe session ever then a pond at the door it was my father his exact words were hurry the f*ck up i cant hold it no more I jumped up buttoned my britches ran past him and out the front door to my friends house i felt like i was 20 pounds and 9 ail 8s lighter well thanks for readin hope you thought my shit was exciting

Daily Constitutional's picture
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Sister-yea unto thee for bringing up two of my favorite pootopics! Only of of my friends will ever admit to diaree so bad it's like peeing out of your butthole.
To date, the shit of my career was a poopin' and pukin'. It happened once due to a particularly noxious flu and I was amazed. (Look , I can multi-task!) However, it was gross, messy, and left me a wrung out, sweaty mess. The only other time this happened was the morning after a blackout Valentine's Day bender. I'm allergic to alcohol, but for some reason I was compelled to drink to the point that, as I was told the next day, I snuck behind the bar at a local dive to guzzle vodka. Needless to say, my gastrointestinal track was displeased. I wasn't even sure what to do first, which end to unload? As it turned out, my body made the choice for me, and it was an incredible experience. I groaned as I felt my bung opening to the porcelian god, and as the groan came out so did a stream of vomit. I turned my head to the sink, and I actually made the shot! But the chunder kept coming. With each heave of my stomach, my buns pumped out a medium-soft, continuous turd and the sink began to fill up with used cocktails. When the fun stopped and the cramps abated, I felt a catrillion times better. Although I have had bigger, longer, smellier, and more satisfying dumps in my career, this experience sticks out in my mind for the sheer amount of output that came from both ends.

Stuart Differ's picture
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i totally wrecked my family by taking a huge dump on the kitchen floor. in my country thats a sign that the family is breaking down.

Ben's picture
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Happened when I was 26. Just finished breakfast and did the regular rountine, but this one was huge, though not painful. It just kept on gliding out. When that stopped, others followed. When I was done, I felt so emptied out. Never had the same feeling ever again.

Ed's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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this one time i had to take a big dump so i went in my basement and took a crap.the thing is...........when i was done i found a puppy in the middle of it.we dont have dogs so this was pretty akward sittuation.now i had to flush.but how.there was a golden retreaver in my toilet.this couldnt be no ordinary plunger i had to use......the thing is i only have ordinary plungers.im still sitting here with my pants down trying to find out what im going to do.if u have any suggestions please send them.cause its been 4 days.please reply with this message on the email so i know what the emails about thanks.on the heading of it say 'I love poop'.

My bowels do great things's picture
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I'd have to say last week. I was truley impressed. I had taken a chinese herbal laxative and hadn't gone in 2 days. I swear my soul left my body. It was longer than my forearm...and it smiled at me. Now it's swimming gleefully in a Texas sized sea of urine and waste. Bless you magic terd.

mgb's picture
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It was 2004, I was at my grandmas house eatin cheeto's. I had the sudden urge to crap, I much pain for a 12 incher, the rest were cheeto terd's.