The Shit Of My Career

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"I just took the shit of my career!"

I was a senior in college the first time I heard that phrase. A dorm buddy of mine had just walked into my suite to watch a little television (I was one of the few guys that had a portable in my room that semester) and, as we were watching some mindless show, he turned and ran that expression past me. He then proceeded to describe the monstrous turd he had just unleashed in his own suite bathroom down the hall. (I have a theory that Shameless types tend to attract similar minds; or, perhaps it's that the Shameful cling together for courage against the annoying dingleberries of their pooping lives.)

At any rate, my friend's utterance resonated with me then, and still does now. For me, it perfectly summed up that one memorable poop that I will never forget no matter how long I live. It took place when I was a third-grader -- just your average frenetic flash of freckles and red hair, absorbed in running around the schoolyard to burn off the energy of boyhood.

The "shit of my career" came upon me with all the attention-getting power of an audit notice from the IRS. I remember the feeling as if it had happened yesterday -- and I can't recall any sensation approaching it since. I was struck by a sudden heaviness in my bowels, which caused me to come to an immediate stop. This was no attack of diarrhea -- I could tell that nothing was going to detonate. No barrage of lit firecrackers, this. This excremental time bomb had a long, slow fuse.

I literally had trouble walking to the boys' bathroom. This turtlehead was of the snapping variety -- poking in and out with more authority than most -- and I remember it had me waddling the last few feet to one of the stalls. As I poop-reported in my early stories last year, I used open stalls without a problem from the fourth grade through high school, but my elementary school bathroom had doors. No locks -- but the stalls would close. So it was not at all unusual, therefore, to be walked in on by another classmate during the greater or lesser shits of one's novice career.

In this particular case, no one actually witnessed my feat. I will never forget the feeling of relief when my ordeal was over, nor my surprise at the size of the product in the bowl. For a third-grader, it was quite impressive -- both in width and length -- and surely would have rivaled a grown man's prodigy. I can't even begin to recall what I had eaten the day before (or days before, if this was the product of postponed pooping), but I can vouch for the fact that never since can I remember being so satisfied with my system.

From every imaginable angle, this was indeed the shit of my career. A solid, ass-stretching yet not terribly odiferous or strain-inducing experience. Once I had planted my little bottom on the bowl, the peristalsis became platonic. During that respite from the rigors of recess, I was indeed The Wizard of Ahhs.

I would dearly love to recapture that perfect pooping sensation; but though I generally operate with all systems go these days, and have produced some masterpieces of merde over the years, I may have to face the fact that I have already achieved my magnum opus.

So, fellow poopers, how many of you can zero in precisely on your water-loo?

-- The Big Wiper

245 Comments on "The Shit Of My Career"

Anonymous's picture

I had worked all day when the urge hit me from the inside out. I had an outside job on the mountain so taking care of business wasn't a problem. I told my co worker I was about to deliver and headed to the top of the hill on my snowmobile. Once alone, I peeled off the three layers of winter clothes just in time to release a jaw dropping career crap onto a fresh blanket of snow. I stood back to admire my masterpiece for a few moments and then began to chuckle. I had an idea.

I hopped back on the snowmobile, went back and got my co worker and said, "You gotta come up there and see what I just saw!" He bought into it and we were at the top in no time. I pulled up to my sculpture and stopped the machine. He hopped off and asked me what he was supposed to be looking for. I calmly pointed to the ground in front of him. His eyes got as big as my butthole was moments ago. I crouched down next to it and examined its girth and length with complete admiration and disbelief before bursting into laughter and tears as he said, "that thing must have been in you for days, possibly weeks!"

It is to this day the most satisfying turd I have ever had the privilege of creating and I got to share all 18" of it with a co worker who appreciated it as much as I did. On a side note, the girth of that Goliath almost had me in tears. I had fears of leaving a blood trail from the scene of the crime.

Anonymous's picture

I was at the Las Vegas DMV getting my license renewed. My number was 270. They were serving #37. By the time I came out of the john they were serving #173. Whew! I took a good picture that day. I looked...relieved.

Anonymous's picture

Mine was a couple years ago when I was sick.

I had this stomach virus, accompanied by vomiting and diarrhea. Anyway, it had been a couple of days after the symptoms subsided. I had the urge to take a shit. I went to the toilet, and I could not get anything out! I started screaming, it hurt so bad. After ten minutes of grunting and violent pushing, a log finally started to come out. Five minutes later, it came out with a HUGE plop. After that two foot-longs made their way out, and at that point, I felt SO relieved... That was the best I had felt in YEARS.

Anonymous's picture

The shit of my career took place on an early Sunday morning whilst on the way to work, at a train station where you had to pay to use the toilets. Usually I would wait but this morning saw me overcome by evil bowel twisting pain: the likes of which I have never known in my 23 years on this planet. I sat down on the expensive toilet seat and dropped my trousers where the gates of hell unleash a brown demon snake that filled three quarters of the bowl- several inches above the waterline! The shininess and length of this abomination were unmatched- at least 30 inches of smooth, solid, stinking and curling greatness.

Amen x

Anonymous's picture

thats hilarious!

Shitmayhem's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Yesterday I made the meanest dookie out, it was brown, it was hard, a sinker not a floater. 7inches! Took me about 3mins to push it out, well worth it

methvmouth-youtube

tarheelturd516's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hey mudpusher, your hotel dump sounds alot like mine.
We were taking a family trip to Florida and it was the morning to check out of the hotel. As I was packing the urge slammed into my butthole like a brick, and it was at that moment I realized, it's here and it's not going to back down until it gets what it wants...it wants out. I did my best to waddle to the bathroom and when I was there I already had my pants around my ankles. I leaped with one last giant effort to get to the throne and plopped down on the toilet. I was amazed to find there was no effort aqquired for this turd. It came out so quick and so clean it felt as if I didn't need to wipe. I stood up to see what I had done, I was shocked at what had shot out of my little scrawny 14 year old body like a torpedo. The far end was sticking in the toilet and the tapered end was stickng OUT of the water. It was like a brown and white still shot of the titanic sinking. I yelled for my dad to come see what I did and when he walked in expecting a prank his eyes got as big as basketballs. I was shocked. Had I doomed the hotels sewage system? We let it sit and still nothing happened. So we left it there. And I was told I'm telling the front desk that there's a behemoth in the toilet. So I casually tookthe room key upto the desk and peeked over, I told her there's a blockage problem and someone needs to get there right away. I handed her the keys and ran in fear of an angry housekeeping lady. We jumped in the car and as we were backing out I saw her. The angry housekeeper I had feared. Gloves on and plunger in one hand with a mask over her face for the smell or blowback of plunging. She gave me the look of death. I never ever ever will go back there again for I have angered the housekeeping lady.

Trojan Grogan's picture

I have had many 'shits of my career' because each one surpasses the previous one. My latest accomplishment took place today. I room with two others, and they're out right now, so when they come back they can witness the Trojan Grogan which is still there. It's been three flushes and nothing is happening.

I hadn't taken a shit for a week. I could feel my stomach getting bigger because of the feces in my intestines. So today when my roommates went out I decided it was time to go.
I sat in there, and out it came, easy as could be, but it kept coming for minutes on end. Each inch pushed felt so relieving. Finally it finished when I heard the soft water sound as it broke the surface of the water and then dropped off my ass. I looked through my legs and saw the most horrific shit I've ever seen. It was monumental. At least 12-13 inches in length and around three inches in diameter.

Thought it was over and as I was getting the toilet paper, my ass pushed out another log, this one wasn't as big, around 8 inches.

I wiped my ass but there was no need, it was a clean wipe. I looked at my precious gift to society in the toilet bowl and for the first time in my life I was proud. Three flushes later, my pride started to sink away, and shame crept up. It is still there, and my roomies will be back any time. It looks horrendous.

The cleaning lady comes on Fridays so looks like no ones taking a shit till then.

Flying, Screaming Shit's picture

This is the story of the GREAT WHITE SHIT. I had been ordered by my doctor to drink a huge about of some white, HEAVY liquid prior to being tested for acid reflux disease. I don't know what they called this stuff, burillium, something like that. When they handed me the container, they said, don't drop it, it's heavy. Yeah, right.......I'm a grown man. I can handle liquid. Well, that container of white milky-looking stuff was like liquid STEEL. We did all the tests....and yes, I had acid reflux, because they turned my ass upside-down and the x-ray machine caught the liquid leaking out of my esophagus. They did not warn me about what would happen once this steel liquid was schedule to depart. The time came. I sat down. Pretty normal shit, so I thought. Long, firm, tapered on both ends and clean cut. I stood up......and what did I see? A huge turd by all physical dimensions, however, it was a white as a sheet of paper. I thought to myself, well, THAT is different. Ok, thrill is over, time to flush. Remember now, this turn is tapered on both ends and sitting perfectly straight in the bottom of the toilet. Pretty darn aerodynamic. I flushed, and this GREAT WHITE STEEL TURD did not even move. My god, I thought, this turn has stamina! Well, I flushed again. No movement. Now, I'm thinking, what the hell am I going to do now? I'm pretty good at analyzing problems......and since I am married to a Japanese woman.......chopsticks are always handy. I'm pretty good at using them, also. Not bad for an American white guy. I leaned over the bowl and did my best to chopstick Moby in half, at least. It wasn't easy, but I got 'er done. I flused.....yes, there was minute movement! But, no Roll Tide. I flushed again and used the chopsticks as levers......or, pushing mechanisms, if you will. I had to throw the GREAT WHITE STEEL TURD, under water, with wooden chopsticks, at the hole leading to shit hell. I finally got them to go........and was mightily relieve that the whole thing was finished. The GREAT WHITE STEEL TURD....by god, it could happen to you. Be ready.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

How the hell did the horse shit on your pants?!Was it doing a handstand?
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Mortgage Leads's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


I have also bad experience when I was young I had riding the horse when suddenly shitting on my pants.LOL^_^
best regards,
Mortgage Leads

best regards,
Mortgage Leads

Turdy Two Poos's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The Shit of my Career is well written and made a great read. In particular I savored the line, "came upon me with all the attention-getting power of an audit notice from the IRS." Good one.

Poop report website really brings out the creativity in some people and many of the pieces are excellent.

However this particular story does brings to mind my experience with Imodium, one I'd rather forget. At the time I was still in high school when I developed a nasty case of the scours, which lingered for days. The doctor prescribed the drug Imodium and I must say it worked well at first, shutting off the shits like a charm. However it worked only too well and about 4 or 5 days later I was horribly bunged up. When the day finally came for the big dump, ooooh, it was so painful, the diameter of this constipated turd was bigger than my bung hole could stretch. I sat on the toilet in misery for a number of sessions to pass this monster turd but to no avail.

After a week, I was scared and sore, so what's a girl to do? Frantically, I rummaged around in the kitchen cutlery drawer until I found a tiny spoon, then I carefully chiseled the damn thing out bit by bit, believe it or not._______
___________________________________
"Nothing like an explosive fart to startle one out of complacency..."

___________________________________
"Nothing like an explosive fart to startle one out of complacency..."

Shit-a-holic's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The shit of my career can be classified into the non laxative and laxative assisted category. The non lax shit of my career came when I was 22. It Was a massive turd that amazingly slid out with almost no pain, and felt good to push out and was so big it rose easily 5cm out of the bowl. Another 3 (not nearly as big, but felt good to release) would follow this beast. Took some effort to get it flushed. The laxative induced shit of my career came when I was 17 years old. Now still today I go regularly and as an adolescent, never had trouble shitting and rarely would I miss a BM. That was until one day, when I was 17 years old, I had gone for a complicated neurosurgerial procedure and the strong pain killers they had put me on had seriously constipated me, I had not had a bowel movement in what must have been 5 days. For the first time I understood what constipation really felt like, and it was painful. I had eaten healthy during the days following my surgery, but the pain killers were being stubborn and my bowels were not budging.

Now I had never wanted to try laxatives, because I believe you should use natural means, and extra roughage had never let me down before, but this was painful and I was desperate for relief. I was regular like my dad and our systems worked like clockwork every morning. I envied him at this time when I was sitting on the toilet trying to shit when in the bathroom just next door I could hear my father was having a good shit. So it was time to go the laxative route. My dad gave me some senekot, as he used these laxatives occasionally and told me I was guaranteed to have a most enjoyable shit. He said it was always a winner when he was all constipated and the sensation would be great. sounded good to me. So that night, he gave me 2 tablets to take, as the recommended dosage (2-4 tablets) But I wanted extra strength and took 3 instead.

By 5am the next morning I felt some gut cramps, and as time went on, they grew in intensity. I imagined them as contractions. I did not feel like there was a build up of gas, just more a heavy weight wanting to escape me. It was time to unleash I thought, and so happily got up and made my way to the toilet. My dad was also up and already on his toilet in his bathroom next door. “Time for the big one” I said. “ Happy shitting” he replied
I went to my throne, threw off my boxers like I always do (because I always shower after my morning shit, and I prefer having no leg restrictions) and sat down on the cool porcelain seat. The cramps were not intense, it merely signaled that movement was happening and sure beat that constipated feeling I had been having these past 3 days. So sitting and wanting to get it all out,I slowly pushed.
It was about 5 minutes of careful pushing and pain that I released my first turd, and it was huge and thick and all knobbly. It didn’t hurt as much as I expected it would, but it felt good to release. Luckily no blood on the TP from a test wipe, the TP was almost clean. I looked between my legs and saw the massive turd lying in the water. It had felt good, but I still did not have that sense of total relief yet. I knew there would be more to come. In fear that I could clog the toilet with my next load, I flushed it down and waited for the next release in great anticipation.

It came 10 minutes later.... I released a slow fart and then in a glorified moment.... my arsehole ejaculated with the most sensational and biggest load I had ever experienced in my whole life. A continuous succession of huge long, thick and soft turds were making a triumphant exit from my arsehole. The feeling was amazing! The consistency of these turds were about somewhat thicker than that of soft serve ice-cream coming out of those machines. It was fantastic. What felt like a whole 5 minutes of pure shitting bliss. These turds required almost no effort to push, they glided out smoothly. I cherished this wonderful sensation as I sat shitting it all out. I sighed or maybe grunted in relief at this most amazing shit. The best part was that I was not finished yet. More was on its way. I looked into the toilet bowl to see it was decently filled and that I would need to flush again If i did not want it exceeding its capacity. I called to my dad next door... “dad you won’t believe how much shit I have just shat out?? My toilet is full to capacity!!! “Better flush son” he replied.
Luckily it was rather soft turds, so I didn’t fear too much that it would clog the toilet. It was almost a shame to flush this mighty load so soon after its deposit and not be appreciated, but more was on its way, and so I had no choice. I flushed it down and at a point it seemed as though it would rise up, but luckily my toilet was strong enough to handle such big loads. Now all that was left were the impressive skid marks left in the white porcelain bowl. I would clean that later, but more shit was on its way.
Soon after, wave two came to the threshold and it was almost like the first mighty wave. A powerful sensational arsehole orgasm, but this time only shorter and in intervals of between 5 or so minutes between them. I couldn’t believe that I could have this much shit inside of me and with each passing movement, felt emptier and emptier. An half an hour had passed since I had first sat down and could feel that I was almost done. I had flushed for the third time already, no wiping yet. Towards the end, it got very loose, but not unpleasant at all. It was time to wipe and there too was I fortunate in that it only took 3 wipes and 4th to double check and I had a nice clean butt. I flushed for the 4th and last time and cleaned the skidmarks with the toilet brush before taking a shower.

I then retired to the kitchen for a cup of coffee with my dad while retelling the joy of my most satisfying moment on my throne. I have since then enjoyed similar experiences with senekot laxatives that compare similarly to this experience, but as a rule so that I don’t get dependent on them, I only use them occasionally and when all else fails. I normally shit every morning, a regime I am thankful my father taught me from when he started potty training me. As a kid I would just take my morning dump and be done as soon as possible to go run about, but since adolescence I have learnt the appreciation of sitting on the white porcelain throne and enjoying a healthy bowel movement each day. I have had many memorable and great power dumps since, (without the assistance of laxatives), but this story especially remains memorable as it was my first ever laxative experience and tops as of the biggest and proudest loads I have ever produced on my white porcelain throne.

THE SKIDMARK KID's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

One time I had to shit while I was on the bus. It was one of those dangerously bad stomach turning ones which are almost impossible to hold. When I got off the bus I had to walk through a store, cross a busy intersection, then go through a shopping mall to get to the toilet. All the while I was ready to do myself right there in public. It was a frightening experience, but I made it. However, the loud shit blast noise I made in the stall echoed above the sound of the shopping malls music.

craptastico's picture

I posted about mine in the last post here: http://www.poopreport.com/Intellectual/Content/Damocles/damocles.html

jews4jesus's picture

sometimes I wear any girlfriend at the time's pantyhose when it gets cold outside. Longjohns are too thick so pantyhose does the trick of keeping me warm under my pants. A few years ago I was driving on the interstate farting up a storm, speeding towards the next rest stop in 50 miles. Happens that it's closed but my butthole isn't and I started pooping myself in the front seat. I couldn't pull over because it was daytime, lots of cars on the highway and no businesses around for me to deliver my poop gelt. I pinched out as little as possible, gagging on the stench in my Acura, unable to open the windows since I hate the wind drag.
75 or so miles later I pull into another reststop, hauling my dirty slimy ass into the mens room. My luck that no one was at the urinals but all the stalls were occupied. I glanced at the mirror and noticed that I had a bulge sticking out of the back of my pants. I had crapped so much in my pantyhose that it looked like a tail. I wiped the pantyhose as best as I could but kept them on since it was chilly.
I think it was an awesome experience but every girl I meet online gets grossed out. Mazel tov!

shat down's picture

The memory of my finest ever shit is still fresh in my mind, as it occured very recently. I knew it was coming. i hadn't shat for a couple of days, and it came as no surprise when i felt the first rumbles of what was to prove to be no ordinary crap. Stupidly, some may say, i opted to leave the imminent log until a more urgent need was evident, something which i have done before on many occassion, without incident. Maybe half an hour passed, and a feeling that the mouth of the turtles head was sticking out, finally had me on my journey to the toilet (folded newspaper under my arm). I unfastened my trousers and dropped them, and my undercrackers, down to my ankles. I could sense something big was about to drop. I immediately abandonned the newspaper, realising that this shit was going to need my full attention.It was slow moving, and although the head was showing, this shit was not leaving without a fight. My arse was stretching to the point that my eyes were watering, the only way to avoid my arse suffering a tear was to relax, control my breathing, and let gravity help me rid my body of this painful poo. The taper on it opened my hole to a diameter i never thought possible, but then, the girth of it peaked, and i knew the worst was over. The turd tapered off to a more manageable thickness, but it continued to come out until the arse/water gap was joined by my finest crap. The sheer weight finally caused it to snap, and fall gently into the still water of the lavatory. I tore off a couple of sheets of tp, wiped, and knew before i looked that the tp wouldnt have a mark on it. my perfect poo. Did it flush first time? No. Second time, after being broken up with a wooden skewer.

Big-Shit Kayla's picture

After moving into a new apartment, and working up a sweat from going up and down the stairs with boxes, i started to feel extrememly bloated to the point where i couldnt walk. and every little step i would take, small farts would leak out and the stench would be horrific. after getting all my things in my room, i headed to the bathroom. i took a big shit..not just any big shit. literally the godzillas of all shits. it hurt really bad that i wanted to pull it out with my fingers to ease the pain and make it go by faster. instead after i finally pushed out the shit, i realized this turd wasnt gonna flush..so i grabbed a screwdriver and i decided to chop it up to slush to make it flush..as i kept chopping the smell would get worse and worse..i eventually ended up gagging...so i got a bandana and sprayed perfume on it and wrapped it around my nose and continued chopping til it looked like stew..after a few minutes..i was relieved to flush it down.

Anonymous Crapper's picture

The crap of my carrer? Well you know those plane rides where u can go and expreince weightlessness for like a minute?

Yes, I dumped on myself in 0 gravity. Took a laxative, got an invite form a freind to do this, and didnt feel anything, so as we were in the air my stomach rumbled and it was gone. I had a Hiroshima 1945, in the air. @_@. and it was floating. I highly suggest doing that =p.

Mr Schitz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Damn, six year old post and people are still commenting!!! To make this short my career shit is one that was about 2 inches wide and an amazing unbroken 15 inches(estimated). This amazing anal achievement was the from the combination of Budweiser and the Blazin' wings at buffalo wild wings. You could feel your asshole burning as soon as these things hit your mouth!!!

Well it took me an agonizing 25 minutes to get this thing out. It wasn't the size of the turd, but all the undigested spices from the buffalo wing sauce that kicked my ass.

I can only imagine what my dog went through after he plucked this log out of the toilet and ate the bastard.

(at some point I'll put the full story on here and alt.tasteless)

Virgil Stinkpie's picture

I was a senior in high school. So young, so bulletproof...and so intestinally explosive that I still to this day have a hard time believing the doosnakes that came out of my burnt spider.

I used to have real explosive shits..still do, but not nearly as bad. Maybe age has something to do with it. I can remember shitting in someones front yard late at night, while peeking in their window as they watched The Simpsons and shitting in the ocean once (thank God my boardshorts were black). And it didnt seem to be limited to me..I can recall my buddy once shitting in a manila envelope on a road trip. Stank so bad we had to pull the car over.

Anyway, I was at a girls house out in the country watching a movie, and it was getting late. I remember feeling the tension, then the panic, then the "Holy crap, I gotta dump NOW", all within a matter of 5 minutes. It came out of nowhere, and as an already experienced dumper I knew I was in trouble. But I couldn't do it there...her mom was in the kitchen, the bathroom was right next to it..I knew it was gonna reek like a biker that had thrown up on a pile of rotten shrimp..I had to leave.

I left in the middle of the movie, after I mumbled some dumb excuse, and high tailed it to my truck, waddling the whole way as cramps ravaged my body. I was parked on the side of the street, next to a telephone pole. In the 200 feet from her door to my truck, I realized there was no way on Gods green earth I was gonna make it the 4 miles back to town..it was time for plan B.

I was parked in a dark shadowy area next to a telephone pole. Now, public shitting was something that I'd done before, but I wasn't real fond of it. This was an emergency. Taking stock of my situation, I decided the best way to keep my dookie off my shirt/pants/self was to sit on the edge of the bed of my truck, leaning back on the telephone pole, and hang my ass off the back of my Ford and hope for the best. One long fart, and there it was. I remember how it felt coming out..slimy, firm, and just so..right. Hardly a push, it just fell out with the help of gravity and the pure fear of being caught purging my bowels by a passing car. And there was a lot of the bastards. At least 6 or 7 long, juicy dooks. Brown, semi-soft dungcakes that splatted and piled up on the curb, like a dirty mud pie. It looked like a gopher mound.

The whole process, front door to completion, took less than 3 minutes. Just a fury of poopsnakes that pillaged my bunghole and took up population as the newest colony of the gutter, next to the ants and the algae. I stood up and tried to find something to clean up with. Pants around my ankles, feet spread to avoid skidmarking my inner cheeks, I tore through the cab of my truck, finally settling on some old receipts, a pair of old socks, and a McDonalds napkin. I threw the rest of the evidence in someones pasture, and drove off, hoping to all things holy that someone didn't hear me in my shameless glory.

I've had larger dumps, I've had better dumps. But nothing will ever compete with that for memorable shitting for me. Risk factor, satisfaction, urgency..it will never be topped as long as I live. The shit of my career.

cornbiofuel's picture

I just took a monster morning shit after eating at a huge buffet at GOLDEN CORRAL last night. I ate alot of every thing but must have ate 36oz of steak and six potatoes. This shit piled up then I wiped... The toilet paper landed like a hat on a shit pile shaped like a human face....
I stood up to take one last piss and the toliet paper turned blonde. I was amazed I just shit NANCY GRACE. MY CRAP PILE looked just like NANCY GRACE.

NANCY GRACE IS A SEAT STAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toopoopedtopop's picture

Haha theses stories are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I was hiking thru a state park when I was about 25. I had to shit really bad. I went into a thick group of trees, thinking no one was anywhere near. I dropped my trousers, squatted down, and I mean an 18 incher must have slid out. Without any tp available, I used what leaves I could find. A day or two later my ass started itching bad. You guessed it.. i had wiped my big butt with poison ivy leaves. Then I had the pleasure of having the doc examine me while two female nursing students looked on. From now on, for hikes i take tp with me.

Madam Captain's picture

Earlier this year I had an extremely difficult session on the toilet, after being constipated for a few days. Whenever I get backed up, I normally only go 2 or 3 days without doing a poo. I always have more trouble in the days following the days that I didn't go. I have to spend at least 30 minutes on the toilet, often it lasts for up to 45 minutes and occassionally, 1 hour. My poos turn into rock hard, golf ball sized pieces of poo. They are also very dry and almost impossible to push out. I also have to keep 'going back' to the toilet to get rid of my entire load. Its not unusual for me to go back a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and a 6th time to do poos!!

Anyway, back to my story. I hadn't done a poo for 2 days and I had just got home from work. I had just over an hour before my friend was coming over to watch DVDs. I was in dire need of a shit. I desparately needed to do poos before my friend came over. I sat on the toilet, hoping that it wouldn't take too long. I was wrong!! I pushed, strained and grunted for about 15 minutes before I could feel any poo start to come out. Then the tip of a rock hard turd got stuck in my anus. I pushed and pushed and pushed but it wouldn't budge. I put my feet up on the seat and wrapped my arms around my legs. I strained with all my might but the poo didn't move. Then I leaned forward and nothing happened then either. Finally, after about half an hour, a long, skinny, dry, rock hard turd broke off and feel into the bowl. The water splashed onto my anus as the turd fell in - it felt great as my anus was burning. I still had a lot more shit up there so I had to continue pushing. After about 10 minutes, a few rock hard pebbles came out. Then I couldn't get anything else out. Time was going so quickly and I needed to get in the shower. I tried one last time to get some shit out. I bore down and pushed as hard as I could. I even grunted and groaned. Another skinny turd moved down and poked its head out. Then it got stuck. For the next 10 minutes I tried everything to get it out, from pushing, straining, relaxing - nothing worked. So I put my fingers onto my anus and pushed on it as I strained. I felt the turd come out even further but when I relaxed, it went back in. I did that a 2nd time and broke the poo off with my hand. There was poo all over my hands and all over my butt. It was a real mess. My anus was so sore from all the pushing and I still had a big turd stuck in there. I decided to get in the shower and clean up the mess. I didn't wipe, just got straight in the shower. While I was in there, I poked some soap up my bum. It hurt but I hoped it might help me get the rest of my load out. After my shower, I got back on the toilet and spent almost 30 minutes pushing the rest of my shit out.

I think that was the worst constipation I have ever had!! I had such an extremely difficult time on the toilet that my anus was sore for the rest of the night!!

smiddenkidden's picture

it IS in fact possible to vomit poop....but you have to be violently ill to do it.
i've always been shameful, to the point that I would "hold it" an entire week while at camp...but boy howdy what would happen the very second I hit the toilet at my own house. my shamefulness got so bad that in my early 20's when living with a roommate in an apt. so small the door to the toilet was literally right by the couch so that when you were dooking you were no more than 6 feet away from the people on the couch...my body refused to poop when anyone was there, so I ended up being potty trained to go at 10:30pm...when the roomie left for work. shameful indeed. as i've gotten older, the psychology has gotten better, but the pooping schedule hasn't. I have multiple sclerosis which in itself interfers with my ability to poop...the muscles aren't strong enough. combine that w/pain meds and not going for a week is not uncommon. and every once in a while I get completely plugged...nothing out for weeks. eventually I get very sick and start vomiting what is basically poop. poop that is very young and hasn't been processed fully, but poop. I end up having to go through some pretty wicked things to get unplugged. *ughhh* my kingdom for a working bowel..

Anonymous Coward's picture

i THREW up poop today, serious

Sir Bartholomew Crunchworthy Esq.'s picture

"I may have to face the fact that I have already achieved my magnum opus"

Don't bank on it, good sir. If you're ever prescribed opiates for pain, this can cause a serious backlog. It happened to me many years ago. I went days without visiting the toilet before unleashing what can only be described as Titanic mkII. It must have been the constipation that opiates can often cause. I was half expecting to see a new born baby starring up at me from the big white bowl. I still to this day believe that I required stitches, as I literally poured with blood afterwards. However, NO WAY, not ever on god's green earth was I going to A&E with THAT story. They'd have looked at me like one of those people who stick large objects up there for sexual gratification. "It was just a really big turd, honest!"
No way.

I still remember having to dissect it in the bowl with a pen knife, to send it on its merry way to wherever poo goes to. It just wouldn't budge, and rose a good few inches over sea level (and as many again under the curve of the outlet).

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

And hopefully you'll have it bronzed just like we all did. But then be sure to send it to either PD or Bilge they're big shit collectors.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

poopsathome's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Well although I'm still young the shit of my career was when I was 14 and I had been constipated for a day and had a salad for lunch from chipotle. I soon felt the urge to take a shit then when I sat down it just slid out and then two pieces did too. When I looked at it before I wiped it was huge. I was astonished when I saw it there were three pieces of shit that almost completely filled up the toilet. Hopefully I'll have one that will top that later in life.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Charlotte V. W., you say you went to a "squat party". This is a party at an abandoned apartment building...a dangerous blighted building?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Dookie Dosier's picture

You know I honestly dont remember all the details...I just know that I was so relaxed and satisfied post dump that I just sat there for I dont know how long-anyways the pressure of my elbows on both knees caused both my feet to fall asleep-I didnt realize this till I stood up..AND FELL FLAT ON MY FACE! Both my feet were so numb from being asleep so long that I couldn't feel them, thus hitting the floor on my exit.

Dookie Dosier

Messy Panties Melinda's picture

To Suzanne's question about spreading paper over the toilet seat in public places, I think it's atrocious (a word I just learned in my freshman English class!).

I've seen women ever-so-carefully place the paper over the seat, then one falls or blows off and they have to reposition it. At one rest stop I timed it on my watch and it was more than 6 minutes for this one lady to get the paper down to her satisfaction. Then she was on the stool for like only 2 or 3 minutes and she wiped and finally it was my turn to crap.

When I got done, however, and reached for the toilet paper, guess what, there was none! Such waste in order to keep her precious butt off a black or white seat that most normal-thinking people sit down on and with great regularity.

Charlotte Vaughan-Williams's picture

I had to shit so badly on new years eve for about 8 hours. I was doing a cocktail of fun things. But we were in a squat party and there were no toilets. My urge increased. I looked around pensively for a toilet to no avail. At this point I felt it necessary to inform my sister, my boyfriend and her boyfriend. They laughed nervously but encouraged me with ideas of where I could go for a dump. No luck though. After at least another hour someone kind of nearly cartwheeled past me holding some toilet paper, I politely asked him for some, as if it was a gift from above. He removed roughly seven sheets for me, a generous gesture, I thought. I hurtled off without so much as a goodbye to my friends. Scurrying round the disused block of flats hunting for a dumping site, I found the lowest stairwell, dropped my kegs and proceeded to lay one of the longest cables I've ever seen in my life. I began to laugh, then immediately regretted it as I lost balance slightly and thought I might end up rocking backwards into my own shite. Then I heard voices from upstairs. What would happen, I thought, if someone caught me? They would go 'I've just seen a girl doing a shit in the stairs'. So I swiftly pulled up my pants, hurriedly wiping but stupidly using all the paper I had been allocated by my saviour. I was not yet finished though. I ran upstairs and as if a beacon of light had appeared, I saw the sign for a toilet. I ran inside, only to be dismayed by a sight of smashed and disused toilets. No problem to me, I had to half straddle a toilet lying on its side and release again. Once sated, I was so filled with pleasure I forgot that I had no bog roll. I used a bit of bin liner but my ass was still a bit dirty. I removed my bikini top which I was wearing beneath my top and wiped my bottom with it. I worry to this day that someone will have recognised it and gone 'OMG thats Marc's girlfriends bikini top, covered in shit.

Mandy's picture

Short Sit Suzanne asks, with a discussion of how gross it is sitting in the previous sitter's perspiration or whatever, whether those who spread paper over the seat have the right idea.

I don't mind sitting on toilets away from home as long as they don't have too much urine sprinkled on them or some other substance. However, if a bathroom has those toilet cover tissues available and there's urine splashed on the seat, I will lay one down before I seat myself. Otherwise, I don't really worry about putting anything between my butt and the seat. However, if I stick on the seat like Meredith and Stac I might feel kind of uneasy about what I'm sitting in.

Short Sit Suzanne's picture

Sittingpretty ... I guess I never thought about it like that before. Perspiration from others' butts. Even though I'm rarely on a public toilet for longer than 60 or 90 seconds (my older sister taught me to sit down only when when I'm ready to go because I would get so frustrated sitting in big, smelly restrooms for 10 or 15 minutes while my bowels were getting prepared), it's gross to think about what I'm sitting in now.

Do those who spread paper over the seat have the right idea after all???

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

You don"t think that you squeak and stick because of perspiration?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Stac's picture

Meredith brings up a good point. I've squeaked and stuck a couple of times. The mall and at a stadium baseball game come to mind. I have to sit a few minutes and will sometimes change position before I can get my crap to drop and this is when I've noticed it. Once last week I was crapping at the airport and after seeing eyeballs repeatedly in the doorway, I pulled my undies up onto the front of the seat and later when I stood to wipe, they were kind of sticking to the seat too. Strange!

Perennial Seat Pisser's picture

Meredith ... your "butt squeak" when you slid on the toilet seat and spread your legs was probably your skin trying to navigate the crud that built up from the many guys that pee on the seats. Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed your dump and that you bathed thoroughly after your crap.

Meredith's picture

I go to an all-girls catholic school. Each spring we have a field day fund-raiser at a state park. All four classes and about 1,000 of us are out there for all types of athletic activities throughout the day. There is only one three-stall ladies bathroom available and the lines get long. So many of us also spill over into the boys bathroom. It has another three stalls that make things go faster. In addition, some of us use the urinals for squat peeing. Actually they work pretty well for that but some of my friends have seated themselves right on the front of the urinal and they get a pretty big splashback from the bowl. This year I had one if my most satisfying craps in the boys toilet. It was strange not having a door and when I slid forward on the seat and spread my legs at little wider to get more crap to come out, my butt squeaked on the seat so much so that my friend in the other stall heard it too. Then I was able to let go of an even larger log.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Craper jack got abused. Fecal Bandit, I can tell somehow that you have a good story somewhere in that post. I couldn't understand much of it. Please please learn how to spell and write sentences and paragraphs. I really want to read your story.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Lindy, you were lucky too! Three little or big bad asses could have made you not lucky. Or an abductor or a rapist could have made you DEAD!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Lindy's picture

Just like Shannon Rae's (10/10/2006) posting, I too have had to crap bad enough in public to take the mens room over the alternative: an accident in my pants. However, I didn't luck out like Shannon. Last month I took a crap in the mens room at the park because the door to the ladies room was locked. I'm 14. I was sitting and dropping in an embarrassingly doorless stall when three young boys about half my age came running in. When they glanced in on me I just said "Hi--I'll be done in a couple of minutes" and that was the end of it. They waited down by the sinks (this was a one-stall bathroom) until I finished, flushed and then rode off on my bike. They were very respectful.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

One should never give up hope of taking a better dump in the future. Be optimistic and know the best is yet to come !

shitonthefly's picture

This story is a two folder. So about a month and a half ago I had just gotten home from a 4 day trip (I fly for a living) and this trip placed me on two overnights in the Carrb. So I am home watching the Mets game when suddenly I get this intense feeling in my back as if someone is stabbing me with a screwdriver. So I get up in intense pain and go to try and shit. Well about four quarter sized nuggets of gold followed by some pukeing ensue. Here all along I am thinking to myself that I must have the worst rectal wrecker that has ever graced my body on the way. I spend the whole night in utter pain. I tried everything from trying to tease it with a gloved finger to sitting in the hot tub and letting the warm jets blast me in my netherlands. At this point I have vomited also several times and begin to think perhaps it might be food poison from one of those lovely jerk shacks along the road to the airport in Mo. Bay from the layover hotel. Finally at 7 AM I call my girlfriend who lives about two blocks over from me and explain my issue. Up untill this point it had never dawned on me that my problem was in fact my kidney. So she drags me to the hospital kicking and screaming the whole way. (I hate Dr.'s) Upon examination they discover a kidney stone has caused my pain . So they decide to keep me for a few hours and place me in one of those euphoric Hydromorphine highs. After about 7 hours I am sent home with nausia meds and vicadin. For about 4 days the vicadin is working okay and I am holding food down again. I even take the time to enjoy a cheeseburger on my new grill. Well another day goes by and I notice that I have not shit in now going on a week. I think nothing of it caulking it up to the meds. So the next night the pain gets very severe again. We go back to the hospital and this time they admit me and decide that if in 24 hours I have not forced this little pebble of hell through the jaws of my trouser snack they are going to go in looking for it. So sure enough with my luck I never do pass it and at 10 PM the next night I am put in for surgery. They go up my wang with a small camera and this little bucket device while I am out cold thank god and remove the stone. About two hours later I gustimate I wake up in recovery and feel this intense urge to piss. Long story short I discover I am on a cathoder tube. So 6 hours rolls by and they decide to yank the worm from my snake finally. Well afterwords I decide that I should go try to take a piss. I get up and go into the bathroom and force and force and force bareing down on my bladder with my ab muscles as if I were trying to pass a child or somthing. Suddenly the magic sound that would normally alert me to a impending mud baby sounds. Only it is coming from the wrong side of my body. Yes that is right I farted through Mr. Peter Pipe-her himself. Fast forward now 3 more days I am fully recovered and able to return to work. So it is the second leg of the day for me having already completed a 2.5 hour run from Boston to Orlando. We are prepareing to push back from the gate now for yet another lovely evening in the islands when my stomach suddenly gets that gurgleing feeling in it as if someone has been stewing gumbo in my lower intestines. I figure to myself this is going to be a bad one but I think I can hold this one till we at least get south of the Bahamas. I continue to do my flows etc and than it strikes me like a bolt of lightning going right up my asshole. It is like the worst firey hell of a fart one could ever imagine. This fart was of the relatively dry but VERY warm variety. So warm in fact that my rim tingled with anticipation of what was yet to come. Instantly after this I can feel what might as well have been a traffic jam on the Van Wyck in NY forming right behind my clutched tailpipe. As I sit there kind of shuffleing from ass cheek to ass cheek trying to hold this 20 megaton war head in I look at my watch. Exactly 9 minutes to scheduled departure time which means we are already in our pushback window by 1 minute. I am going to have to hold it. So we finally push back and at this point I can feel everything through my bowls. As I push the throttles up ever so slightly to get us moving down the taxiway the low frequency vibrations of those normally magnificent V2500 engines suddenly become he bain of my existance making this holding pattern in my ass feel like firey jello. Finally we make it into the air and as we coast out just south of Miami I finally cannot hold it anymore. I call for a third crew member and as soon as she is present I blow through the door into the forward lav. I litteraly undo my belt and pull my pants down 3/4 into the squat when it begins to slide out. Every last bump and corn kernel in it from almost 2 weeks gone by burns as if someone is prodding segments of my rim with a hot poker. It just continues to slide out. I can feel it solid in the middle with a slightly mushy texture towrds the surface. Finally the flight of the mustard rocket stops and is followed by a few flops of methane and liquid that were stuck to the rear. Suddenly I realize that my legs are shaking my body is cold but I am drenched in sweat. None the less I feel amazing. My teeth chattering and I a sit there taking it in for a moment.Finally I get up to return to my duties and turn to look. This turd was of the same color as Guldens mustard the width of one of the polan spring squeeze bottles and about a foot or so in length. The way the vaccume toilets work on the Airbus 320 though tell me that trying to flush this one is going to me a messy undertaking. I carefully position myself with one hand on the door handle in the unlocked position and a foot on the flush button. I kick the buttoon and leap out of the door and return to the flight deck. Upon return to the flight deck and taking my seat hair soaked from sweating to see my first officer and the flight attendant that was standing in the flight deck to maintain the two in the flight deck rule with the crew o2 masks on. The reason for this is because on the Airbus the forward lac vents under the first officers seat. Finally I only discovered after the trip that this was the work of vicadin that caused my log jam. Next time I need to take an epic one vicadin will be the instigator of choice of course after eating some spicy forign food to taint the stew.

The Secret Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

WOW

_______
The poop lies...... A LOT

The poop lies...... A LOT

Anonymous Coward's picture

Gotta say the best of my "career" came after the holidays. I had eaten more turkey, stuffing, pies, and whatever else for about a week straight. Little did I know I had created a recipe for disaster. I did not name the monster at the time, but Shaq comes to mind, or maybe "the Fridge Perry". This bowl destroyer did not come out easily. Red in the face and nearly weaping, I was finally able to push this creature of the deep, which held on like a singed koala looking for an all night burn center, out of my anus. A quick check of the toilet contents immediately sent me looking for a plunger. This overgrown caterpillar had all the qualities. Great size, texture, smell, color, and I am assuming weight, since I actually went down a notch in the belt afterwards. It was as black as Tobie's ass and rivaleled a 3 lb package of hamburger in size. What didn't make it into the water held a nice sheen suggesting proper lubrication. My delight and relief was further aided by the majestic "van Goh" this anal terrorist left painted on the toilet bowl when flushed. Simply perfect

Anonymous Coward's picture

The poop of my career had to be this past summer. We have ten hour days at band camp and lunch is eaten there. There was no running water this year due to a break in the pipe, but there were porter potties. After three days of suppressing the urge, I just lost it. By the fifth day, I couldn't even pee I had to poop so bad. Finally, it was a weekend. I went home, turned the shower and the fan on so no one would hear. I grunted and pushed for nearly ten minutes, nothing but pain. I felt like I ate razorblades sometime that week. I stuck my finger in there to investigate and found a hard rocky substance. I wound up crying while praying to God to help me out with this shit. Eventually it came out, didn't look nearly as large as it felt. I flushed, not once but twice. I jumped in the shower and nearly plummeted to my death my legs were so wobbly after that. But the relief of finally having gone was phenomenal.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Sky: First, this thread is not the place for this post.

Second: The answer may be bladder stones. See a urologist NOW. No, they don't hurt; but they don't go away, either, just get bigger. I may be wrong; but I've had these things, and my first clue was pink pee. They are no joke. Please GO TO THE DOCTOR.

skyblue442's picture

whenever i poo i see some blood coming out of my penis,though its not much just some little drop no pain no symtoms its just like that for some months now and makes me scared.please i need advice from anyone out there.

gentle

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