Delivery in Thirty Minutes

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Editor's Note: I don't often publish stories this short, but the point this one makes is well worth your consideration.

I have some knowledge of the inner workings of my digestive tract, so I read some of these poop reports with a grain of salt. You know the ones I'm talking about: "I ate mass quantities and twenty minutes later, oh my God!!" If I remember my biology correctly, I have about forty feet of intestine for food to go through after it has spent roughly an hour in my stomach. So I would have called these authors liars, except -- dum da dum dum! -- it happened to me.

It's hot here in Lake Havasu City, and in this heat eating becomes a chore. Now, I love to eat, and I have a good steady metabolism, but I had gone about a day and a half without eating much more than a bologna sandwich. I ended my pseudo-fast with my wife, who had prepared a delicious spinach chef's salad. I scarfed two plates' full and sat back to watch wrestling this particular Monday night. All was well and The Undertaker was kicking butt when, suddenly, so was the spinach.

There was no time to contemplate whether a squeeze would hold off this vegetative onslaught -- I was cramping, bad. My face flushed and my wife said something like, "Are you all---" I didn't stick around to hear the rest. I have never covered the thirty feet to the biffy so fast. My shorts hit the floor and I was about to rest my posterior on the throne when all hell broke loose.

Any of you familiar with the old "Polish cannon"? A simple device made to launch potatoes or tennis balls long distances, built using a length of pipe and some gas. I couldn't help but think of that veggie tosser as I tossed mine out the back door.

After twenty minutes of "grin and bear it" I stood to see what had done this to me at this odd hour. (I am clockwork, 8:00 AM, everyday.) There -- looking much like it had on my plate -- was my salad, each spinach leaf basically intact. (I don't chew so much as inhale.) I was astounded!!!

Had it not happened to me, I would have said it takes at LEAST twelve hours for food to get all the way through you; but I swear, and my wife will back it up -- I had to show her, just as I show her most of my odd, or momentous, poops -- it was only twenty to thirty minutes. Perhaps the Poonurse can explain this?

-- Bilgepump

85 Comments on "Delivery in Thirty Minutes"

Anonymous's picture

Thanks. My day just got a bit brighter. I'm fihgting a mentally blah day, but at least I didn't have to say, "Water and poop do not make mud."

Anonymous's picture

Years ago I had this problem with fried foods. I remember a particular family picnic where supermarket fried chicken was the main course in an otherwise innocuous meal (potato salad, chips and the like). At the time my intestinal unpredictability and resultant abruptness were well known to both me and my wife and was generally signaled by the rather unpleasant onset of particularly nasty cramps and the release of a greasy wind-ball or two.

On this day, the picnic was at a park that was nowhere near my residence and, being the shameful shitter that I am, I steeled myself for a brutal, ass-clenching, gut churning, butt boiling 30 minute ride home to my own personal dump station. Let's just say that the result was a rather unattractive mix of lightly digested chicken in a brilliant stew-like base, lightly flavored with potato and a single black olive.

Chief Runningpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

All I can say is "WOW"! I've been looking for a site like this and this EXACT discussion for many years! I can't tell you how good I feel. Well, except for the spasms in my butthole and the rumbling and fireworks shooting off in my stomach right now. Yeah, I just ate about 20 minutes ago. Just a few fish tacos- soft shell so my innards don't rip out when they dash for the exit in a few minutes. Before I went to lunch I read where caffeine is a problem, so I got water this time and am crossing my fingers and girding up my cheeks. Last night my wife thought the dog was growling, but it was my stomach doing the "bombs bursting in there" anthem. I'd love to find the Holy Grail of poo solutions one day, for her sake. She's dealt with what I've dealt her for soooo long now, that when she finally has a fart building up and I'm nearby... yeah, she curls right up next to me and lets it slide out ever so silently! I mean, how can I say anything? In the car she doesn't roll the windows down to fart... she rolls em up! Well, I picked up a few nuggets of info that will help me in my quest for a log-style poop. Not even really sure it's possible anymore. I'm 48 now, and am very worried about the person who would need to care for my arse when I'm 78. I'm thinking of all the things they will do to me for revenge, and it's just plain scary. I've learned not to eat things like Grapes or Peas because a few minutes later I got me some Gatlin Gun action going on in the john - water everywhere! This has taught me that I don't chew my food good enough, because no kidding many of the peas and grapes look almost identical as they did going in! I heard that it's important to chew your food because the enzymes in your mouth will start breaking down the food immediately, as well as your teeth helping to get the process working more efficiently as well. So thanks to all of you for your "poo adventures". It has helped me a lot, and really brought home that I'm not the only person that is handed a toilet brush when I use the bathroom at a friend's house...

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have countless problems with poo...I think everyone that has been listed. ... so happy to stumble onto this place... hilarious

PoopThreadRejuvinator's picture

Hilarious thread - who cares if it's old!

I did a really bluish crap once and was mildly to moderately worried... until I finally remembered the night before I'd been drinking bright blue cocktails in a bar.

I can add to the food Vs poop time however - I'm lucky if I reach the end of a meal many days and I vary my diet, eat very small portions AND chew my food. And if I don't eat at all, I just get bile. No win situation if you're in company. Yes, I'm seeing doctors and luckily can still laugh at the situation. Just.

Once in a blue moon, it gets completely turned on it's head and nothing happens... until finally something begins to come and your ass has forgotten how to eject proper solids and you think you're going to pass out. I get visions of Elvis and worry that one day, I too, might shit myself to death!

Sweetcorn is an odd one. Just where can it be hiding down there that you still see signs a week on??

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Old and trivial, IBSalot.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

A.C. Some of our PoopReporters dispute the veracity of some of the stories some of the time, but mostly everything you read on here is true.

Bilgey, it seems a common human trait that we don't believe things until they happen to us or are verified by others. My late ex-husband never believed that certain odors made me gag, until a friend of his told him the same thing happened to him. Until then, he assumed I was just faking I guess... because dry-heave gagging is such a fun activity to fake, right??

Anyway, I wonder if your salad came straight out of you because you didn't chew it very well...? They call it "roughage" for a reason--gotta chew them veggies! ;)

And how do you feel now that your story is FOUR years old and people are still commenting?

_______
Help for IBS

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Anonymous, I'd be happy to provide you with a notarized affidavit signed by my now ex-wife as to the veracity of this story. Like I said in the opening lines, I hadn't believed most of these "I ate and pooped in an hour" or whatever, until it really did happen to me. That doesn't mean that we aren't full of shit as well, for if we were not, would there even be a PoopReport?

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Anonymous Coward's picture

Are these stories real or just literally "Full of shit"..?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Get back to you after I've figured out when, exactly, we met down by the river. I know the time, the day, and recall exactly where the sun was in the sky, and the swirling clouds, but the year escapes me. It both seems like yesterday and 100 years ago. But it better not be 3, asshole.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Been divorced for 2 years, LJ...you were hardly a fling, or a rebound.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bilge, you fucker. Never did you tell me you were married. I feel like trash.

Logjam

missedthepot's picture

So many issues with poop -- this is a great site. Normally I eat cereal in the a.m. and within an hour or so heed nature's call. Sometimes it's within minutes, other times many hours later.

Recently, soon after the cereal I was on the computer, and then running around the house cleaning up when I felt an insistent urge.

Usually I can delay for at least a few minutes if I'm busy, but this time (often times) there was gas build-up as well. Thinking I could pass the gas before releasing the load I tried to let the gas pass.

Bad idea; I was by then in the bathroom but ewwww -- too late -- passing that gas produced a disgusting load as well, and some was on my shorts -- nice clean up job needed after finishing up on the john. Can't believe I couldn't tell the diff between a common fart and poop ready to emerge.

This is a first for me. Sound familiar to anyone?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

LOL...this was my first entry in PR, almost two years ago, and as of Jan 30th of this year, people are still commenting on it.

stoopit peepl

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Corn is the least of it. Even though I'm not a pizza fan, I have noticed that they're putting everything on 'em these days except Brillo pads and Jergens lotion.

I think they're one of the most overpriced items on our menus these days.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Again, corn? On pizza? Ew. Although, I remember another the one that cracked me up while we were in Germany.

I ordered "black olives", and sure enough, there were 4 large Greek olives rolling around the pie, WITH the pits in them.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Yes in the United Kingdom for some reason they often put corn kernels on pizza, even in restaurants. It's not as predominant now as it was 10-15 years ago because they've got more of the normal pizza making (italian & american) around now. thank goodness.

Burnt Bung's picture

Great site !
I Googled "excess bile production" as I'm suffering from that and landed here. My diet contains far too much dairy, is this pretty much my problem ?
Fillin' The Toilet w/ Yella,
Burnt Bung

Anonymous Coward's picture

That happened to me with Indian food once. I eat it often, but never again from that restaurant. I was out with coworkers and we decided to stop in Target to kill some of the lunch hour. Thank god we stopped- I was in the store for about 5 minutes when the urge hit me. I almost didn't make it to the restroom but, there it was, lentils and chick peas and spinach and several pretty colors all swirling in an oily slick. It couldn't have been more than 15 minutes since I finished eating. And it was all over in about 30 seconds. Thank god- I was able to act as though I just peed and took my time coming back out!

Me's picture

I asked my doctor once about my ability to void my bowels instantly after a meal (I do this all the time) and he told me that the body, when faced with an enormous amount of food (I eat large portions) will make room for what's comming. Stomach instantly full = bowels instantly empty.

Also, in the case of the spinach, I've done this as well, but that has everything to do with the spinach. In my case it was frozen spinach, and I love my spinach. While eating with my family, I demolished two packages by my lonesome (only me and my dad like spinach and my mom made too much). Not EVEN ten minutes later I made a run for the border and my beautiful, tasty, just devoured greens came flying out of my ass. I covered the entirety of the bowl with green. No white was in evidence anywhere until after I flushed. The funny thing is, I didn't see any other food, just the spinach...

Either way, I shit regularly and always claim my farts.

impooped's picture

I have also pooped out corn kernels several weeks after eating corn. "CORN? When the hell did I eat CORN?"

Yet when I eat canned mushrooms my body dispenses "cream of mushroom soup" out the other end within minutes!

One time I bought a bottle of 100 calcium caplets on sale for $1... apparently because they were not digestible- I took 3 per day for about a week (bad constipation!) before pooping out a giant turd with fully intact inch-long white caplets stuck together by butt mud. I also pooped out fully intact green and white prescription Nortriptyline capsules (which should disolve quickly). My doctor didn't understand why I refused to refill that prescription.

Which reminds me of a joke:
A man goes to his doctor complaining of constipation. The doctor writes him a presciption for suppositories and sends him home. Three days later the man still hasn't had a bowel movement so he calls his doctor. The doctor asks "Have you been taking your prescription?" and the man replies "Yes doc, I swallowed those damn things every day, and for as much good as they did me, I should've shoved them up my ass!"

Isn't the digestive system amazing?!?

veggie butt's picture

Thank God for this site cause I thought I was dying when just after a couple of hours the veggies I ate came out almost in perfect form.

Becky's picture

I think having virtually clear intestines from not eating, in addition to eating salad (any type of salad will make you poop), is more than likely the cause of this.

Swami's Turban's picture

When ever I eat seaweed salad at a Japanese restaurant, I have to pull the strings of seaweed out of my butt. They come out part of the way with my poop, but then they just hang there. When I pull them, I can feel them slithering out of my b-hole. It's really weird, but I love that seaweed salad!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Northy wrote: "...I can have a chicken and sweetcorn pizza..."

Beg pardon? Didn't quite catch that. Did you in fact say you ate a pizza with CHICKEN AND CORN?!? Okay, I live in Southern California, and I thought the "California Pizza Kitchen" people did some weird stuff, but CORN???

Although, when we lived in Germany, we learned a very popular pizza there was "Tunafish".

*throws up a little in mouth*

Loggerhead's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Myth Busters...
Just passing gas or playing through?
To check if your stomach, and/or digestive tract is severely whacked then try this test:
Make a batch of spicy chili, add some corn (kernels not ears). If it wasn't made hot enough to burn a second time, the corn will act just as a tracer bullet to announce the exact time of the chili's departure.

Loggerhead's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Myth Busters...
Just passing gas or playing through?
To check if your stomach, and/or digestive tract is severely whacked then try this test:
Make a batch of spicy chili, add some corn (kernels not ears). If it wasn't made hot enough to burn a second time, the corn will act just as a tracer bullet to announce the exact time of the chili's departure.

Northy's picture
l 100+ points

When it comes to sweetcorn I can have a chicken and sweetcorn pizza (usually after a night out) and I will be shitting sweetcorn for weeks. Now sorry but one pizza cannot hold that much sweetcorn.

Northy's picture
l 100+ points

Papa Northy always tells me stories of stuff he used to have to do as a child. Now this particular story may entertain PoopReport readers. Now this particular contraption was brown and sugary - god knows what it was, not even he knows. But if you had worms or (i assume) severe constipation you would have a mouthful of this stuff and it would open up your arsehole instantly. They used to have to take it while sat on the bog as they wouldn't get there in time. Stuff like this isn't common nowadays but he claims it was when he was a child. Whatever it was it sounds evil.

krzyzewskifan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Occasionally your body does not actually digest the food you eat, but rather act like a pressure washer and only exceed the speed of light when it comes disposal time.

I poop because I am...I am because I poop.

Latus Rectum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The only time I've had this happen to me is when I had to take a powerful laxative to clean my colon before a colonoscopy. (The instructions said to take it and then immediately drink at least two tall glasses of water, if not three, otherwise you risk dehydration. When it says something like that you know it's serious business!) I think in the vast majority of cases, if you're pooping soon after eating it's probably poop from a previous meal. I know eating a meal can sometimes stimulate your body to have a bowel movement. Not that I don't think it's possible for food to go through you in only 30 minutes, I just think that it's probably quite rare.

QuickerShitter's picture

I can order a 12" sammich from one particular italian restaurant, and be on the pot before I finish it. 10min. or less.
As far as breakfast goes, I believe your body can be trained to eliminate shortly after intake. happened to me at a work camp where we'd be out in the field for 12hrs with no restrooms.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Scottish Admirer, we do infact have a compilation of the best stuff. Unfortunately all of the "good" ones are sold out. You can, however, get one with irregularly cut pages with everything else being fine. Check out the PoopReport store.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Foxpoop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Every time I eat the Fettuccini Alfredo at Olive Garden, I pass some poo before I go home. Quite often it has bits of the before-dinner salad clearly undigested.

I think there's something in that alfredo sauce acting like intestinal Drano.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Fermeida-- Good grief! Did you find the dog DEAD in the grass, too? OUCH!

Scottish Admirer's picture

Excellent site, fills a much-needed gap in the marketplace. I mean my friends and I often compare notes on our bowel movements but I had no idea that a site such as this existed. I haven't stopped laughing for the last 2 hours - and I need to study for my finals at university in 2 weeks!!

Keep it up guys, this is brilliant!!

p.s. ever thought of a compilation book of the best and rest of stories on here? I know for a fact that you'd make a bomb

Fermeida Poupon's picture

I woke up one night to the most awful sound. I thought a werewolf had attacked the neighbors dog. I looked out the window and by the moonlight I could see the neighbors dog hunched up in the poop launching position and howling something fierce. In the morning I went to mow the lawn and found what the dog had left. Believe it or not an Irish Setter is capable of passing a T-Bone. Not the meat, just the T shaped bone. Ouch. No wonder he was howling.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Bunghole, Poop Shooter, you guys crack me up.

Poop Shooter, if you had been constipated would that mean you got a carrot stuck?

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

Poop Shooter,

Maybe your slendiferous study in poo was your body's way of telling you to eat more carrots. Very zen if you think about it.

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

Ben's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The only way I can make a thirty minutes' is by

1) an enema-less than 5 mins
2) a suppository-less than 30 mins

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

Speaking of salads and veggies... The other day I produced a log that looked exactly like a big brown carrot. I almost took a picture of it.

Funny part was I hadn't eaten carrots in a month!

Amazingly studying the essence of poop!

Poop Shooter!

Booker's picture

This has happened to me a few times. I thought I was the only person in the world! The salad comes out with brown liquid, but it is clearly the salad I just ate (you know when you haven't had a morsel of fiber in days)-bits of wilted lettuce (but even still green!), pieces of tomato, carrot, cabbage and onion all together. I wondered if I just didn't chew well enough and my intestines were letting me know. I have never considered that it was not washing it well enough-I will try that since I never wash it!
Interestingly, I have also had liquid poop 30 minutes after eating a "meaty" meal with no fiber. However, there are not usually chunks of anything recognizable, but the smell is unmistakably similar to what I had just eaten. I always like the sesame seeds from a mcdonalds hamburger bun to let me know 30 minutes later, the big mac I just ate cleared right through. At least I dont have to worry about the calories from that meal!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Its crazy. Your muscles must work double time to shove it thru that fast.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

I ate a caesar salad here at home the other day, and within 30 minutes it was all in the commode, only slightly discolored. I got a big laugh out of C. Everett's suggestion above about rinsing it off and eating it again. I wasn't quite THAT hungry, though!

Poop Sculptures's picture

I believe it. I insta-poop if I eat anything with canola oil (lots of salad dressings contain it, and lots of restaurants fry with it). And it doesn't just trigger the exit of stuff that's already in there, it causes everything to move through in about 15 minutes or so (as ascertained by the contents).

I really should chew more thoroughly, though.

And people, PLEASE don't let dogs chew on corn cobs. They cause intestinal *blockages* and kill an awful lot of dogs.

woknblues's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I can vouch for real fast processing. Once, I had made a toaster oven pizza and put lots of fresh basil on it. 15 minutes after eating, I felt the urge to release. I went to the commode and unleashed a smallish sticky green log. I ran out of the room gagging, and nearly threw up. After a few minutes, I returned to wipe (I didnt have time, it was that bad) and infact vomited into my mouth as I tried to spray and open windows. My brother, who lived with me at the time was asking me "What the hell is wrong in there?" I came out to the living room and told him to go in there if he wanted to know. He didn't apparently see the wicked expression on my face, because he opened my bathroom door and gagged on the putrid stench. It was as if the smell of fresh basil had multiplied by 10,000 and had mixed in an unholy way with the crap.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Pill, I was just traveling thru NJ on my way home and I had the pork roll just before we left (i wanted to see if I could eat n' shit in 10 mins. I was careful to drive by place w/ clean restrooms for 15 mins., and when nothing happened, I got back on the NJ Turnpike. 5 mins later i was flooring it to get to the service area 14 goddamn miles away. Thank god there was an accident behind me or I woulda had 80 cops on me. Then the crapper was this terrible shit-covered, cigerette burned, pissed-on seat that i had to let fly on.

Note to all people; Never drive the NJ Turnpike- it SUCKS and it's expensive.

The next rest stop I passed had just been renovated and the bathrooms were nice, clean, and nw my wife said. Damn I missed it.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

browneyes's picture

To Shit Volcano:

Just the Kernel?!!! I saw a dog shit out a whole corn cob once on a camping trip. We saw him EAT the cob the evening before - next morning it came out the other end and we all watched in amazement as the dog -- not very happy at all, wining as he worked it on out.

Flying Poop's picture

This too has happened to me. I ate really spicy Thai food, and an hour later I felt a rumble. I ignored it for about five minutes. It came back with a vengeance. I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to drop a load that burned as much as when I ate it. I've heard the term "Fire in the hole!" before, but this gave it a whole new meaning. Not to mention that I wished I had eaten ice cream for desert just to cool things down afterwards.

Anonymous Cowardd's picture

i am a man of science, and have always discounted the myths of the 15 minute poo, but it happened to me as well...
it was after a sushi dinner. i had avocado and cucumber rolls. no fish, if i remember correctly. this type of dinner is not very alien to me, so i was quite surprised at my feeling in the car on the way home. maybe i used too much wasabi and soy sauce, i don't know what caused it, but i do know that it happened.
i couldn't get home quick enough. as soon as i parked my car and ran into my bathroom, my abdomen exploded. it was possibly one of the fastest and most violent poos i have experienced. i wouldn't have believed it was from the meal i had just eaten if it weren't for the dead-giveaway nori (seaweed sushi wrapper) which could be seen.
i wonder if i was hungry again afterwards.

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