The Drought-Emergency Responsibilities Of The Valiant PoopReporter
There's a drought here in New York City and most of the Northeast. Thanks for the
global warming, Johnny S.U.V.
Mayor Bloomberg is urging all New Yorkers to cut their water consumption. Restaurants,
for instance, are no longer allowed to serve water unless the patron asks. Decorative
fountains across the city have been turned off. And any building fire has to have
consumed at least three sweatshops before the Fire Department is allowed to use water
to put it out.
What Central Park will look like in August.
Although the government has cut water consumption in the public sector, one of the
biggest sources of water waste comes in one of the few places the government can't
control us (unless John Ashcroft gets his way): the bathroom.
NYC Dept. of Environmental Protection statistics show that people use an average of 45
gallons a day in the bathroom. Facing the specter of debilitating drought, such
bathroom use borders on catastrophic.
It is in times of crisis when greatness is made. PoopReporters, this is our moment.
We must accept that our hallowed sanctuary is contributing to the ills of the world...
and we must be brave enough to change our habits. This is our time to stand up, hold
our heads high, and lead the charge in tackling this crisis.
PoopReporters, our responsibility is clear: during this emergency, it is the duty of
each and every one of us to set the proper example and curtail bathroom water use. No
longer can we crap with impunity, wipe with narcissistic indifference, or flush with
lackadaisical disregard. We must act as models of responsibility during this time.
We are the shiterati -- the world is looking to us.
DIRECTIVE 1: GRATUITOUS CONSUMPTION
For the duration of the drought, all superfluous bathroom water use is out. No
flushing of bugs or goldfish or used Kleenex... and, to our collective chagrin, no use of
For me, this is the most difficult sacrifice. The buttsink is one of PoopReport's most
important causes. According to official PoopReport canon, nothing punctuates a good
crap like a glorious blast of warm water right up your still-quivering anus.
But our buttsink habits are wasteful -- a gallon per use, at least. Society can't
afford that. Unless you hold a cup under your buttwater and save your assrunoff for
use in your garden or to soak your pots and pans, your buttsink is out.
Friends, no one said it would be easy.
DIRECTIVE 2: THE COURTESY FLUSH
We are still undecided as to whether the courtesy flush is even useful. Some argue
that it is the quintessence of civility -- by flushing in the middle of a shit, you are
preventing noxious odor from permeating the bathroom and beyond. Others argue that it's
completely futile -- bathroom odor is gas that comes out during the shit, and the
presence of the shit itself is ancillary to the smell.
Regardless of its efficacy, the courtesy flush is out. It is more important to save
water than to worry about the noses of the people around you.
CAVEAT: On a particularly large, smelly shit, the courtesy flush might still be
necessary. Older toilets and low-flow toilets don't handle large loads very well, and
will clog or require multiple flushings to fully evacuate. Use your discretion,
PoopReporters -- if you fear a clogging from your astonishing ass-aptitude, use the
courtesy flush to prevent any blockage that may require excess flushing.
DIRECTIVE 3: DISPLACEMENT BAGS
This one is easy and non-controversial. Fill a plastic soda bottle with water (or
weight it down somehow) and stick it in your tank. It will make it so you need less
water to fill up your tank, and thus use less water every time you flush. However,
just like reducing your courtesy flushing, this technique comes with the danger that extra-copious amounts of crap may require extra flushing. Again, use your discretion.
DIRECTIVE 4: CLEAR URINE
Effective water conservation is about balancing your wants against society's needs. I
want a long hot shower. I want to wash my bike. I want to participate in that wet
t-shirt contest. But will the sight of my glistening, masculine chest benefit society
more than the gallons of water used in the process? (Certainly yes... but the sight of my
Herculean pecs will cause so many girls to pee their pants that the water needed to
wash the floor will far exceed the societal benefit of my services.)
A similar balancing act must be made between the needs of society and the needs of your
household. I have a rule: "If You Can't See The Pee, Let It Be." It's a terrible
rhyme, but it underscores my point: if my urine doesn't turn the water yellow, I'm not
flushing. No one knows but me, and 1.5 GPF is saved.
DIRECTIVE 5: PUBLIC URINALS
There is no reason to flush high-traffic public urinals. As long as you're confident
that someone else will be peeing in the urinal some point soon after you do, you can
leave it unflushed. The next person will flush yours and theirs, and water will be
It must be pointed out that the goals of Directives 4 and 5 are not to abandon flushing
completely, but simply to piggyback on someone else's flush. Do not interpret this
article as advice to forego the flush, for that will lead to two terrible calamities:
disease, and dishonor.
Human waste is a public health menace. Waste is a major carrier of disease, and our
public sewage system is designed to ensure sanitary waste disposal. By not flushing --
solid waste especially --you are creating a potentially dangerous condition.
But much, much more important than public health is the very sanctity of the bathroom.
To a PoopReporter, the bathroom is more than a place to go to the bathroom -- it is a
place of contemplation and solitude, a place to take enjoyment and pleasure from the
human body. No one can take a good crap in a nasty, unflushed bathroom. A good
PoopReporter always leaves the bathroom as clean as he or she found it -- so the next
user gets as much out of it as the previous one did.
DIRECTIVE 6: COMMUNAL PROACTIVITY
Tenets 1 through 5 are techniques for the individual to reduce bathroom water
consumption. However, a collective of like-minded PoopReporters can accomplish more in
terms of water-savings than an individual could ever hope.
From doubling up on flushes ("Hey guys, I'm about to flush, anyone want to get in on
this?") to alternating flushing responsibilities during the morning bathroom rush-hour,
the potential for water savings is enormous. I implore every PoopReporter to gather
their household and come up with strategies. Please share them with us when you do --
the more creative ideas we all come up with, the more society will benefit.
PoopReporters, these are the times that will define us. If we don't take the lead in
advocating responsible bathroom habits, we will all suffer. Never before has the
burden of the PoopReporter been so great -- and the responsibility of the PoopReporter
been so clear.
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