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 The Drought-Emergency Responsibilities Of The Valiant PoopReporterPosted 05.05.2002 by Dave (11578)
There's a drought here in New York City and most of the Northeast. Thanks for the
global warming, Johnny S.U.V.
Mayor Bloomberg is urging all New Yorkers to cut their water consumption. Restaurants, for instance, are no longer allowed to serve water unless the patron asks. Decorative fountains across the city have been turned off. And any building fire has to have consumed at least three sweatshops before the Fire Department is allowed to use water to put it out.
Although the government has cut water consumption in the public sector, one of the biggest sources of water waste comes in one of the few places the government can't control us (unless John Ashcroft gets his way): the bathroom. NYC Dept. of Environmental Protection statistics show that people use an average of 45 gallons a day in the bathroom. Facing the specter of debilitating drought, such bathroom use borders on catastrophic. It is in times of crisis when greatness is made. PoopReporters, this is our moment. We must accept that our hallowed sanctuary is contributing to the ills of the world... and we must be brave enough to change our habits. This is our time to stand up, hold our heads high, and lead the charge in tackling this crisis. PoopReporters, our responsibility is clear: during this emergency, it is the duty of each and every one of us to set the proper example and curtail bathroom water use. No longer can we crap with impunity, wipe with narcissistic indifference, or flush with lackadaisical disregard. We must act as models of responsibility during this time. We are the shiterati -- the world is looking to us.
For me, this is the most difficult sacrifice. The buttsink is one of PoopReport's most important causes. According to official PoopReport canon, nothing punctuates a good crap like a glorious blast of warm water right up your still-quivering anus. But our buttsink habits are wasteful -- a gallon per use, at least. Society can't afford that. Unless you hold a cup under your buttwater and save your assrunoff for use in your garden or to soak your pots and pans, your buttsink is out. Friends, no one said it would be easy.
Regardless of its efficacy, the courtesy flush is out. It is more important to save water than to worry about the noses of the people around you. CAVEAT: On a particularly large, smelly shit, the courtesy flush might still be necessary. Older toilets and low-flow toilets don't handle large loads very well, and will clog or require multiple flushings to fully evacuate. Use your discretion, PoopReporters -- if you fear a clogging from your astonishing ass-aptitude, use the courtesy flush to prevent any blockage that may require excess flushing.
A similar balancing act must be made between the needs of society and the needs of your household. I have a rule: "If You Can't See The Pee, Let It Be." It's a terrible rhyme, but it underscores my point: if my urine doesn't turn the water yellow, I'm not flushing. No one knows but me, and 1.5 GPF is saved.
It must be pointed out that the goals of Directives 4 and 5 are not to abandon flushing completely, but simply to piggyback on someone else's flush. Do not interpret this article as advice to forego the flush, for that will lead to two terrible calamities: disease, and dishonor. Human waste is a public health menace. Waste is a major carrier of disease, and our public sewage system is designed to ensure sanitary waste disposal. By not flushing -- solid waste especially --you are creating a potentially dangerous condition. But much, much more important than public health is the very sanctity of the bathroom. To a PoopReporter, the bathroom is more than a place to go to the bathroom -- it is a place of contemplation and solitude, a place to take enjoyment and pleasure from the human body. No one can take a good crap in a nasty, unflushed bathroom. A good PoopReporter always leaves the bathroom as clean as he or she found it -- so the next user gets as much out of it as the previous one did.
From doubling up on flushes ("Hey guys, I'm about to flush, anyone want to get in on this?") to alternating flushing responsibilities during the morning bathroom rush-hour, the potential for water savings is enormous. I implore every PoopReporter to gather their household and come up with strategies. Please share them with us when you do -- the more creative ideas we all come up with, the more society will benefit. PoopReporters, these are the times that will define us. If we don't take the lead in advocating responsible bathroom habits, we will all suffer. Never before has the burden of the PoopReporter been so great -- and the responsibility of the PoopReporter been so clear. -- Dave Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production! Post new comment
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