Eating Too Fast: Dangerously Cheesy

m 1+ points - Newb

Many folks are quick to give me a hard time about the pace at which I eat: fast. I can't help it. Food is fuel. Just like gasoline -- would you like to stand at the pump and savor that experience? Of course not. You just want it over with ASAP so as to resume life as normal. Food is fuel, and I like to get the process over with as quickly as possible, no matter how delicious the fuel may be.

At any rate, I can recall a rather startling instance in which my fast eating habits proved to be my downfall. It wasn't so much a moment of defeat as it was just one of those things that really inspire panic attacks trying to fathom how such a thing could happen.

One night some years ago, I had been eating a bag of Cheetos X's and O's (a favorite of mine

Slow down there!

at the time, as they had discontinued the Zig Zag variety some years prior). As usual, I scarfed them down, handfuls at a time, chewing just enough for them to slither down into my stomach. To make matters worse, I was watching television and was more focused on the program than the eating process.

Some hours later, Mother Nature gave me a ring. Such an occurrence is not at all uncommon, as greasy foods are apt to induce quick defecation. So I sat casually down and squeezed out what felt to be a rather disappointing poop. I could easily liken it to laying an egg -- a few solids encased in a mucus-like coating falling lazily from my ass, making their presence known upon impact.

Upon standing up to wipe, I inspected my love child in the toilet, as is customary when I am finished pooping. Suddenly I noticed something very wrong with one of the turdlettes. Like a reluctant turtle, a peculiar orange formation was poking its timid little head out amidst the pooey mess. I was taken a bit aback at first and did a classic cartoon double-take.

Sure enough: there was a foreign host inside one of my precious turds. I was stunned to the point where I couldn't even stop to wipe. Instead, I knelt down close to the bowl to further inspect this insidious invader. (This was before I was professionally diagnosed with needing prescription eyewear, so my sight was admittedly a bit poor.)

I was in my own bathroom. I had nothing to lose. So I did the unthinkable. I reached in the bowl and excavated this little diamond in the rough.

To my horror, I held in my hand a piece of Cheeto, no less than an inch high and half an inch in width. Being the curious sort, I squished it to note its consistency; to my relief, I could at least say that it was in fact in a state of mush. But how could such a thing happen? This sly devil had somehow managed to slip past security and make a getaway.

I couldn't trust my digestive system for some time afterward, and it took me many moons to reconcile my aversion to Cheetos. I simply couldn't come to terms with the fact that something went wrong in the digestive process. My colon even gave me an earful about it, appearing to be just as shocked as I. To this day I have not figured out how such a thing happened. I've lost many nights of sleep trying to understand this digestive anomaly. And never again has anything similar happened.

One would imagine that after such an apocalyptic omen that I would have learned my lesson about eating too fast. I haven't.

34 Comments on "Eating Too Fast: Dangerously Cheesy"

Corn holio TP's picture

Cheetos are made of corn, Corn is the only food that doesn't tranform into poop. It is an alien substance. :P

ThreePly's picture

Yecchhh! As curious as I may be sometimes, I would never intentionally fish out my own turds. I just spent a good deal of time cleaning out my gutters yesterday, and my hands were surounded by unidentifiable manure-scented muck. I didn't know what it was, and didn't care to explore it further. I know what poop is and my curiosity isn't enough for me to fish out turds to further explore their contents. That was almost disturbing. And for me, that's saying a lot. I'd congradulate you, but I don't know if I should.

*Slowly backs away*

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Okay, let me get this straight. You voluntarily fished a suspicious looking turd out of the toilet -- with your bare hand -- because you're nearsighted. I've been accused of crossing the line on occasion, but this takes the cake (or the Cheeto).

By the way, I like your writing style. It's your decision making process I wonder about. You should fit in well here at Poopreport. :)

Sinning's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

You should have some clever nickname for your morbid curiousity with fecal matter. Unfortunately I'm not clever enough to nickname you.

C Everett Poop's picture

You should have eaten the cheeto and given your digestive system a second chance. If the cheeto made it through twice, you should enshrine it in a crystal urn on your mantle. It is a magic cheeto.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Who's gonna do the artpad drawign of the cheeto in the turd? somebody get it started!

Marcos's picture

you crazy stoners!!

*pfffffft* ahhh

The Man with the Golden Buns's picture

Dude, you have a problem. Poo ain't for touchin'.

Crapper's picture

Not right. You touched poo. You vile sick man. Its a magic cheeto. You should have sold it on ebay.

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hahaha. Well, you all must understand, I was roughly 12 or 13 at the time this happened. Plus, as I said I was in my own bathroom and I washed my hands shortly there after. Hell, a common doorknob has more germs on it than a toilet seat. At any rate, I'm still alive! Thanks for the kind words about the article!

ANGRY SMURF's picture


the frequent farter's picture

Keep the comments coming Smurf. Pretty funny stuff.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Ratsit. Cool. You must have some powerful curiosity to spur you into picking the cheeto out of your crud. I'm with the Surgeon General: You already dug it out, should have gone the extra scientific step and re-ate the thing.

I too am a very fast eater. "I aint here to mess around," is my standard answer to why I'm done eating already and no one else has even unfolded their napkin. I don't chew unless I have to, and often poop out mysterious undigested objects. But I have yet to handle any of them.

Good story. A bit pointless, but good.

Courtney's picture

Ya know...James puked up an entire fry once, played with it a bit, then re-ate it. Quite funny, not the same though...

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The mucus encasing the poop mentioned in my story was similar to the mucus that runs from your nose.

Turdmatic 6000's picture

Thanks, guys!

For future reference, what's the standard color for assmucus?

Turdmatic 6000's picture

The things I do to procrastinate from my art homework...

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Turdmatic -- brilliant! The shading on the turd is spectacular.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Although, Smurf, please stop with the damn caps. It's really annoying.

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

That was awesome, Turdmatic 6000!

Rectal Inversion's picture

Maybe it was an orange colored condom? No, heheh. Playing with your turds is not good. At least, use a stick or the plunger. If you must use your hands, wear gloves and also get a microscope.

turd turdgutson's picture

This was one of the most vile stories I've read on PoopReport. I stopped reading after "...I reached in." I don't care how young the author was...when I was FIVE I wouldn't even consider touching my own shit, let alone 13. The author of this steaming pile is a sick pervert.

Mr Brownie's picture

Enlightening story. Depraved but enlightening.

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"The author of this steaming pile is a sick pervert." Aww, you mean it?!

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Just so you know, I have also eaten my own shit on several occasions because I thought it smelled good. Have YOU ever eaten shit? I highly suggest you try it.

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The above comment was not posted by me.

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Okay, okay, I confess, it was, but I didn't want anyone to think me a freak for ingesting my own feces. But really, now that I've thought about it, is there really anything wrong with consuming one's own shit? Dogs do it - it's like dessert to them. Human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience.

Ratz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ points

OK I've just eaten a dodgy Big Mac which I reckon comes as close as you're getting to raw sewage... eugh :(

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

You know.....

It's this kind of thread that I have to click off before my husband sees it and thinks I've lost my mind entirely.

I'm not saying it wasn't interesting to read; it was interesting. Weird. Gross. Interesting, but not the kind of thing I'd go around talking about.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Ew, ew , and ew again. You actually stuck you bare hand into your butt mud to pull out a Cheeto turd. As an old song states "whatever gets you through the night".

I now digress. I have noticed that I have better bowel movements when I eat slower. I don't know the cause, hopefully someone can shed some light on this subject.
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture

Wow what is everyone so worried about? You frequent a website about pooping! "thats gross" shouldn't be in your vocabulary. He was in his own bathroom, by himself. He is obviously not OCD when it comes to germs. And he washed his hands when he was done. Nothing gross about it.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I don't know what the big deal was. If I shit out a partial Cheeto I'd take a picture and show everyone.
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I used to be a fast eater but have slowed down in my old age. I don't remember passing anything whole through my bomb bay door but I once got drunk and wolfed down a burger and fries in such large unchewed chunks that when I chundered a fry came out my nose that looked as good as new. It was whole and still had its crinkles.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

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