Shawn St. James is such an asshole!

Shawn, my wife and I have no shame when it comes to shitting. Though I've never had her hold my hand while in the process of taking a mean one, I'm sure she would if she knew it was causing me great distress. She's a nurse so she's been through much worse with patients.

Nice story F. Art. I can relate to the pain. I don't think it was hemorroids, but about a week ago, I went about three days without taking a shit. When I finally did, the turd was so beastly that I think it tore something inside me. It was the first time I saw a dash of blood on the toilet paper. It scared me.

For the next few days, every time I took a shit, it felt like I was crapping bottle caps. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I can happily say that yesterday, I dumped a motherload shit at work, and the scraping feeling has gone away. Thank God.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Ouch! I, too, have had the glass shits, but only a few times.

You are also not the only male I've known who used sanitary napkins. My dad once had a severe bleeding hermeroid and he HAD to use one or else he'd stain his pants.

BTW, did you know your initials spell FAG? :-)

First Post Rules!

"shitting broken glass one shard at a time" excellent image inducing words to describe the pain. I also like how you jumped from not wearing pads in this lifetime to "the ones with wings really came in handy" Hilarious!

Is it me or does this edge into the arena of TMI,,too much information?

Your wife is supposed to be your romantic partner, and its important to maintain that role throughout life.

Therefore, there are certain things to just damn well keep to yourself. Suffer in silence as it were.

So cease and desist toilet hand-holding, conversations about shit, maxi pad advice, and forcing your wife to clean your messes up.

At some point your wife has become your mother, and you know what mothers need to do. Kick you out of the house after 18 years.

Thanks for the great comments AtomicHotWings. Shawn, this is Poop Report, TMI is the rule, not the exception. I am a Shameless Shitter and I keep nothing from my significant other.

Why didnt the doctor fix your hemorroidal problem? I assume he saw them when probing UR ANUS. Did he not perform a procedure to help with that?

Deuce Fan, my doctor was a gastroenterologist, not a surgeon. In other words, he only cared about my insides, not what was dangling outside.

Sorry about that, didn't mean to use your name Deuce Fan. Anyway, you get the idea.

This story is a FAKE! Nobody of any gender (or species) would cut the ass out of their shorts and then put them in the laundry to be washed. Furthermore, no man, even a pole smoking homo, would admit to putting a winged maxi-pad in his ass crack. This story is a total fabrication.

I'm C Everett Poop and I approve of this message.

There was one time where I felt like I took a glass shit. I got tired of cracking open sunflower seeds, so I just chewed on the entire thing and ate it. I compared it to shitting a hedgehog, but glass shit works well too.

C Everett, I assure you this story is true. You've got a couple of your statements wrong. I never washed the modified underwear. They were disposed of, I just never left them in a public bathroom but took them home and threw them in the trash. As for using the pads, they beat the hell out of the embarrassment of crapping yourself and leaving stains on padded chairs at work. When I had an accidental discharge, I simply went to the can, pulled off the pad, wrapped it in toilet paper and threw it away. I also carried a "spare" in my laptop case for the hasty replacement.

F Art, OK, I'll give you a "maybe" on this story but how would your wife know about the cut up drawers if you weren't putting them in the laundry? Don't tell me you told her that you repeatedly shit yourself and had to cut the asses out of your shorts. I'm pretty shameless but that is over the top.

C Everett, I have been married for eighteen years. I tell my wife everything. Besides, since she had to keep buying me new underwear, I couldn't exactly say the old ones were abducted by aliens with a fetish for size 38 briefs.

best post in weeks. a right fine piece of poop....reporting. OHHHRAH!

Wow, what a great Poop Report!

It's been awhile since I laughed out loud *several* times in one report.

Good job!

Piece Out,
Crapola

Thanks so much for the kind comments folks!

Fart, are you related to dookie dog? I hear he has a similar problem. Except he was wearing a maxi pad for other reasons! Would the suirts be that violent to seep through your pants. When i squirt, my ass cheeks just get moist. I go wipe and problem solved.

Deuce Fan, sometimes my pants escaped undamaged other times, I ended up changing them. I never knew how bad it was going to be. Naturally, the damage was usually greater when I was sitting down, due to the decreased distance from my ass to fabric.

Wow, it's pretty gutsy of you to essentially admit that you are only half a man. Between the maxipads and calling your wife in to help you take a dump. It's got to be tough feeling like such a little girl. Good post!

23rd post rules!!!

I loved how your wife held your hand as if you were giving birth to something. For many years my dad has suffered from Crohn's Disease, he didn't know it until a few months ago - but it caused him to clench his cheeks and waddle to the bathroom all the time. His liquid shits have ceased to a satisfactory standard but however his gas hasn't taken a hike.

Secondly, C. Everett Poop you are an idiot. Guys deal with shit problems in different ways, and I applaud F. Art Gingerly for being man enough to admit he used maxi pads to control his butt from giving his pants an attack by a weapon of ass destruction.

GREAT STORY.

Oh, haha! This story was great!!!

Cutting your underwear? Hysterical. I don't even care if it could be fake.

However, it is so funny that a man will cut his underwear, poop himself, but not be subjected to a maxi pad. Men.

By the way, good luck with the hemorrhoids, F Art.

Thanks again for the comments. Honest, this really happened. I wish it didn't but it did. I thought about posting this shortly after I discovered Poop Report but it took me awhile to work up the nerve. I have many other misadventures from my year long adventure with the shits, that I will work on if anyone cares to read them.

I actually had the same problem back in the early 80's lost 85 pounds in two months almost ended up with a colostomy bag, great story, good imformation Art your a lucky man with a wonderful wife. Deuce Fan honey don't tell the world our business.

Stayfree could re-market pads for men, as "Manti-Liners". Sure would save the wear and tear on my undies for sure. With Old Spice or Brut scent added to mask any obvious nasties.

Well, I did see an episode of The Man Show, where the guys toyed with the idea of Man-Pons. Seems similar.

Manti-Liners, Man-Pons??? My God, I thought I was the only one!

I had a bad case of 'roids not too long ago, where I woke up with blood in my pants. After a visit to the doc and some medication, I used large gauze pads shoved up the ol' wazoo for a few days. Well, I changed them once or twice a day, not one gauze for a few days. It brought on a certain sense of confidence too.

I had back surgery in '92 and let me a tell you a thing or two about clinching when you cough or sneeze. I had two choices, I could brace my back for the shock or I could clinch my sphincter. Back pain usually had priority so accidents did happen from time to time. I wish I had thought of the pads back then.

LMAO!!!
Great Story!!!
I dont care if its fake, which i doubt.

Anal Russian Roulette!!
Brilliant term!! One for the poopencyclopedia thing for sure

weapon of ass destruction.
Thats another one for the book, sorrry i didnt put it in the last post, its only when i re-read the comments when i saw this one!

Man-pons?!? Ha ha ha!!!!

I hope you learnt your lesson about not going to the doctor and getting cured. You put up with it for a year? The doc would've encountered your problem many times and not though anything of it. I have a friend who has ulcerative colitis and has to take eight pills a day to control the various symptoms. Its not an amusing group of conditions to have and should be dealt with urgently.

Crapslikeclockwork, yes I learned my lesson. I manage to get away with only taking one pill every morning. That seems to keep it under control. You're right, I shouldn't have ignored the problem for a year. However, my lack of action will make for some interesting Poop Reports, trust me on that! :-)

For those having problems with Ulcerative Colitis and Chron's disesase, you should try the Atkins diet. My father has UC and he eats no wheat, carbs or starches. He makes muffins out of nut-flour, which is just ground walnuts. I'm not sure it's exactly the Atkins diet, but I guess maybe it's similar.

He's been on his diet for several years, and he doesn't have problems anymore. Before this, he was sick all the time. Can't hurt to try :)

Hry guys, I used Google and found a Man Show video clip which advertised Man-pons.
http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=7274&version=2

Best. Story. Ever.

Poop is My Friend,
Sounds like your dad could have also had a gluten allery.

Ouch. I wouldn't be able to stand Preperation H, its do gooey and slminy that I really think it wouldn't feel good on the hole. On the other hand i've never had hemroids so I wouln't know if it is worth it. I just found a tube in my grandma's drawer and put some on my finger.

how shall i know when I have hemmoriods? How shal I know? Perhaps i am already aflicted with them, for i do have pain and occasional blood spots on the TP. Due to fact that there is no blood inthe shits (my knowledge of that fact comes forom slicing up the turds insearch of blood)perhaps this is a symptom of Hemoroids. It it another word for "inside out asshole"?

i know it wasnt funny at the time, but OMG i laughed so hard i hadda go pee in the middle so i wouldnt pee myself, what a great story

Art,

I, too, started using pads lately. Although I am only 45, something has gone wrong lately. When I got to go, it's an emergency, though it is never diarrhea. The pressure is so intense that if I accidentally release the squeeze, shit just leaks out. I carry spares, too. Thank god for pads, just this past Monday, half my load shot out before I got to sit down-crowded hotel toilets after breakfast is not good for emergencies!!!

Fantastic tale tinged with heartfelt understanding of fellow sufferers.
Dunno what your wardrobe taste consists of but, might I recommend 'Cammo wear' - it saved me from most of the embarassment whilst returning from hols. Having had two weeks of gourmet food in France, on the drive back to UK me and the missus decided to have a dose of junk food. Burger King was us and in less than 25 miles I dropped a big hot fart (You no, 1 of those that warrants a punch in the kidneys from the missus who is now gagging with the window down). Having laughed for a split second, realisation of whats actually happened hits you along with the stabbing pain that means there is more to come.
I did the 'special walk' across the concourse of the next services with a 'Map of China' clearly visible on my cammo trousers and no-one gave me a second glance.

What is the distance between shit and pure joy? About 2 inches.

Glad you are feeling better. Hopefully you stay on the right track healthwise.

The glass shits are no fun. I've had them a time or two myself.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

haven't laughed so much in ages. I 2 am wearing womens pads for me piles but only for a couple of hours after dunkin the donut. I thought I was the only 1 as well lol.