I am a very athletic guy and have played just about every sport except hockey. I ran track in my younger days and was a long distance runner. By now you probably know what's coming, because finding time and a place to fart and poop out on the road is a science best left to professionals.
It's not just that it's hard to find a PLACE to poop out in the country or in the woods (a cross country run through the woods is known as a "fartlek") -- long distance jogging loosens your bowels like you cannot comprehend. Ask any marathoner.
About two months ago I had to go bad. I dropped right into the woods and of course looked for the key ingredients to a country poop. That would be OFF the trail, hidden behind pine trees; flat dry ground, leaves available; and no inbred Southern people living in shacks hidden from view. Also, no evidence of snakes or bears.
After finding the perfect spot, I began to find relief, and sure enough I hear a couple of kids walking through the woods right toward me. I abort the mission and get out of there quick. I didn't have time to "pine needle" the evidence. I ran deeper into the woods and finished.
Can I tell you something strange? In this day of video cameras everywhere, I had the awful idea that I'd end up on a PBS episode featuring Yuppies who live like pioneers in the country, but take along a video cam. You never feel as if you're not being watching by SOMEBODY.
Passing wind is another issue. Running in a group of friends who are guys, no problem. But if you're in a social situation, it is NOT acceptable when you unleash the volcano. So you lag back and pop in peace.
By way of urban legends, I've heard stories of people having dinner on their porches when joggers have come into view and done their bid'ness, not knowing anyone was there. In that case, they've violated one of the main rules of country popping: ALWAYS assume someone IS there, and walk around like a dog on Ritalin with obsessive compulsive circling behavior.
There's a chance that YOU may someday have to use the woods, so I'll let you in on the best technique: lower your shorts to your ankles. Do not remove all your clothing because Murphy's Law will immediately come true, and some fat squatter named Otis will instantaneously appear.
If you have a weak back, find a tree to lean back against, and spread those legs. Grab your knees with your hands and do your thang.
I usually feel very resourceful after a country poop. It gives me the feeling that I could have been a pioneer and made my way across the Oregon Trail.
-- by Sits On Bowl
