The Ideal Poo

m 1+ points - Newb

I am an engineer, and I like precise engineering specifications and procedures. While internet-researching information about acute colitis, I came across a homeopathic website touting the benefits of "colon hydrotherapy," or a BF enema. At the end of the article was a description of the perfect poop. I think readers of this website would benefit from the information:

Healthy Bowel Movements

from Naturally Balanced

"We must have a healthy, normal bowel movement for every meal that we consume, each and everyday. If we eat three meals per day, we must have three bowel movements per day. When we were infants are bowels functioned healthy and regular. Food in, fecal out!

"When we have less than two bowels movements per day, food residues accumulate for more than twelve hours, putrefication and fermentation begins and the insides begin rotting, aging and becoming ill. Any nutritional elements present in the fecal matter passes into the bloodstream as polluted products, thus toxemia commences. Pimples and other skin blemishes are generally the first sign of toxemia.

"A healthy bowel movement must be eighteen inches long (for an adult,) one solid piece, light golden brown in color, one inch in diameter, odorless and floats in the toilet basin. Anything other than that is unhealthy. Broken apart, hard, dark, odor, large or loose stools are the indication of putrefication and constipation and thus the beginning of poor health. Use this as your barometer for quality health as a result from quality eating."

Well, now you have something to strive for!

If there is anyone who believes that they can take a crap that doesn't stink... I say they are full of shit!

194 Comments on "The Ideal Poo"

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Oops! I meant 'one-up' each other, not 'up-one.'

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Yo, Dave J! It is definitely way-over-the-top stuff. That's why it reminded me of 'The Road To Wellville,' which was about a turn-of-the-century cultish bowel movement Movement. (Ha! I can't believe I just wrote that.)

Do you think anyone would really take this excerpt or that site seriously, though? I guess that's where your concern is directed--for those that might. But it sure wouldn't work for me. I mean, I sometimes do serial shitting in one day--maybe one crap in the morning, one in the evening. I can even remember days in which I did three, but they those days weren't all that common. And eighteen inches in length? Sounds like teenage boys trying to up-one each other in the locker room about their one-eyed monsters.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Dave J's picture
l 100+ points

This sort of thing scares me. We are obviously enlightened, and to an extent, educated people. This excerpt from this "site" sounds like Cult Rhetoric that stupid people buy, hook, line and stinker. AAAGH! Stupid, stupid, stupid mean people make me mad.

kiteless's picture

if colonics were medically necessary, they'd be done by doctors. i really don't buy -alot- of this. if you ever had to have a coloscopy (i can't spell that!) done, you'd have to go thru a whole cleansing routing that doesn't involve any of that. it usually involves some sort of really horrific drink with phosphorous in it. so on that note, considering i don't buy the whole colonics thing, i don't buy the perfect poop thing either =)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Those quotes sound like something out of the movie, "The Road To Wellville," in which Anthony Hopkins, as the BM guru doctor, tells hapless patient, Matthew Broderick, that his small lump of shit really stinks. Whereas, his monstrous snake does not--having the odor of a biscuit. (I'm paraphrasing here, but my reaction when I heard that line was: "Don't pass the biscuits, please!")

An eighteen-inch bowel movement that is light golden in color, floats and doesn't stink sounds more like a big loaf of French bread instead of a turd. This excerpt from Naturally Balanced is hilarious--my laugh upon getting up this morning. And frankly, I would look for a bodysnatcher pod somewhere in the house if I ever plopped out something odorless.

Ain't gonna happen. I'll stink on proudly at various lengths and in various colors.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Jack's picture

I typically take between 2 and 3 dumps per day and none of them meet this description. For one, I think I would positively freak out if I managed to squeeze out a solid 18 inches of crap.

As for timing, it doesn't exactly match up 1-for-1 with my meals. I have to go right away in the morning but for some reason it doesn't all get released until I move around some. So I get up, dump and then eat, get dressed and gather my things for the day and by then I have to send another one down the shoot. I take my second one in the evening. The sometimes third one makes itself known a few minutes in to my workout.

There, I'm sure everyone's feels as though all the epistemological holes are quaintly filled in.

By the way, have people around here ever compared when and how often they hang rats? That might be fun.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points


honey_monster's picture

Does anyone seriously have a toilet large enough that would allow an 18 inch turd to float?

18 inches??? Jeez, thats longer than a babies arm.

I'd be scared if I ever did an 18 inch poo.

"Please God, make it stop!"

honey_monster's picture

And for more interesting tales of toilets and crappers, check this out:

Jack's picture

I should have known. (Head hung in shame.)

pooperman's picture

thats the biggest load of shite ive ever heard, literally.

i dont believe any1 could pass 3 turds a day each at 18 inches by 1 inch diameter

they would have to be eating sumthing that resembled expanding foam

i think sum 1 is taking the piss

Fart is for fools's picture

well this is juss plain old shat u ppl who dont belive f.y.I i take about 3 poo poos a day and from my family they dont smell to bad ive gotten some nice long smooth ones aswell id say the longest has been about a 25 incher i juss love holding my stomache soo tight for however long i can to get that loooooooong turd in circular motion around the bowl

Joe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

18 inches?!?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

guru asswipie: absolutely excellent slash...'Are your bowels y2K compliant?' ROTFLMAO! I wanted to puke almost the entire year leading up to 0/1/2K. The scams, the snake oil salesmen, the fever was incredible. It almost got to my Dad, who has been retired for a while, and who was convinced he needed to withdraw all his money and bury it in the backyard. Finally, my bro and I had to sit him down and put it to him: "Dad, you're acting like a dog trying to bury his shit. Your money's fine where it is!" Fortunately, we calmed him down, and I think he's still a little embarrassed that he almost fell for

the whole Y2K hysteria.

Anyhoo, your comment was the funniest and most incisive I've seen in a long time. Kudos!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

guru asswipie's picture

This article is complete ....Bullshit. I am in the medical profession and have spoken to people who have really cut open peoples bowels. The insides are completely smooth and nothing sticks or becomes impacted, unless you have a serious bowel disease or deformaties.

People who are selling stuff use these scare tactics to premote fear as part of their sales pitch. By the way, are your bowels y2k compliant?

Skin blemishes are caused by bacteria on the skin surface that gets into the pores. As far as turd consistency goes, it only takes reading a few stories on poop report to know that they vary with the type of food and drink you have. This is normal. Wouldn't the world be a boring place if all the poops were the same?

Poop on Bros--

guru asswipie's picture

Thanks to The Big Wiper for the kind response. I too was sort of concerned about y2k until I found out that all the doomsday prophets were selling gold coins or survival gear. I was also concerned about the possible need for huge 5 gallon enemas until I found out that the people talking about "Impacted waste" , "toxemia" and other colonic gloom, were selling expensive enema kits and weird nozzles and dietary suppliments. It seems that they want people to fast, take their expensive products, buy their expensive city water supply tower style enema kits and blast every scrap of solid matter out of their system. If people get off on enemas thats their thing, but these health freaks should not try and scare the rest of us into poopie hypervigilance. If anyone out there feels like fasting just quit eating for a while and drink plenty of water and juice, it's cheap and easy.

I think somone should come up with a stainless steel enema nozzle shaped like an artillery shell and call it the colon pal.


The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Damn, guru asswipie: 'the colon pal.' That's two biggies for you in one day. You should put together a routine.

Back to Y2K. What happened to my Dad was that, being retired, he would stay up late at night and watch those hypnotic infomercials, and he got hooked on one that told him Y2K meant the sky was falling. Some shyster/huckster that said there would be roving gangs of welfare recipients out scavenging the countryside for food since the entire banking system would have collapsed and hurtled us into a vigilante society. The solution to this was, of course, to buy enormous sacks of grain and rice and soybeans (guess who had all that for sale?) and store them in mini-warehouses as an emergency food supply.

Again, when my bro and I sat my Dad down, we reminded him that he couldn't even boil water, so what the fuck was he going to do with big bags of grain and soybeans?

All he would be doing, we pointed out, would be feeding hundreds of rats or sprouting weevils with such a concept. He broke down and had a good laugh at his own expense.

But can you imagine? Umm, umm, good. Grain burgers with rat turds, fresh from the mini-storage warehouse!

That is, if you were able to get into it and not be shot down by the roving gangs of welfare recipients on the way. Too, too funny.

But here's a real sad footnote to all this: one elderly lady down here in Mississippi fell for all the hype about banks failing and unable to function come 01/01/00 and did, indeed, take all of her money out of the bank and bury it in her backyard. She was also stupid enough to go around telling people in public places (like Wal-Mart and the beauty parlor) that she had done this. Poor lady! She was found shot through the head one night in her home and her backyard dug up and the money (presumably) removed.

Later, guru.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Guru A's picture

Thanks Big Wiper, It is funny how a discussion on turd size and quality turns into an analisis of objectionable marketing techniques! I like your take on the food storage. I would hate to battle all the roving hordes of scavengers to get to my rat infested stash. It's a similar situation with gold coins. Who would want them in a major crisis? It would be better to stock up on firewood to boil creek water with.

On a sickening poop related note, I smelled This horrible dead rat mixed with methane smell permeating our building. I asked someone if something smelled funny because I was hoping it was not a gas leak. Well it was a gas leak, a human gas leak. There was large (think 300+lb.), elderly patient in our facility today. Apparently she took a huge dump because I opened the doors to the outside, turned on a fan, turned on the fan to the AC and you could still smell it.To top it off she went in the mens room that had a broken fart fan. People in another room asked if we had mold in the vents. I said no but somone had a problem in the restroom. Half a can of lysol later its still going... Yuck!

Stew Brown's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

18 inches would be a world record I believe. That would be like emptying your entire large intestine in the bowl. Floating would be possible if you used the Dairy Queen ice-cream cone technique and swirled the poop around the bowl as you layed it.

Pooperscooper's picture

Before I leave town to spend a week on the road camping and using porta potties (groan) I learned this from an herbal medicine class I took 6 years ago. It confirms your suspicions that the colonics guy is full of shit--despite his pristine bowel.

According to our instructor many preperations sold by the 'colonic detox' people contain laxative herbs combined with psyllium husk. Psyllium is the active ingredient in Metamucil, and it is quite cheap if purchased in bulk. (Its just $4.50 per pound at the San Francisco Herb & Tea Company--FYO so you'll know how much you're being ripped off, elsewhere)

According to the instructor, psyllium, mixed with water forms indigestible goo. To be blunt, it looks just like snot. If you take a big dose of psyllium and laxative, you'll get scary looking huge turds that look like they are full of mucus.

The colonics people will tell you that your poo was full of toxic mucus and their magical medicine helped you detoxify. What really happened is that the mucus is just the psyllium passing through your system. It wasnt in you to begin with!

So that's a common way for quacks to trick people into feeling inferior about their turds and then run head trips on them.

THere are fake gurus who peddle forms of asshole behavior that that call enlightenment, and they con normal, kind hearted people into feeling ashamed that they have kind hearts and care about good manners and the welfare of others.

Now we have people conning us into believing that even our shit isnt up to standard. We gotta fight back, people. Its not enough that the cult creeps are after our brains--they even want to get up our asses too.

Throw their shit back at them. They asked for it.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I love your righteous anger, my friend. You go, girl!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Guru A's picture

Wow Pooperscooper, thats scary. Thanks for filling us in on this weird con job technique.

jt's picture

then dont eat beets ...They will make your shit jet black. one time i ate my wifes beet salad the next day i shat and it was so black i ran out and bought one of those chemical test strips to detect if you have internal bleeding...I did not it was just the beets so be careful beet eaters dont freak out.

Poopyhead14's picture

ok. the other day i ate these cookie things. i ate ALOT of them. the icing colors were like blue and red. they messed me up bad. the next 4 days my poo was greenish bluish. damn dude never eat those damn things. *shudder*

pantsaroundmyankles's picture

Light brown poo with absolutely no odor is no fun. The stink makes the poo. 18 inches long would be fun, though. I wish I had poop that big, but I'd want it to smell reeeeaaaally bad. It's gotta reek if I go to that much effort to poop something out that's a foot and a half long.

Tpoo's picture

If I dropped and 18 inch loaf, I would probably have an orgasm !!!

willywilly's picture

Food In- Fecal Out. Food In- Fecal Out!

Why am I seeing Richard Simmons in this???

WANKER's picture

holy shit! if i took 18" shits 3 times a day, i would lose a lot of weight no doubt... & like tpoo, i would probably have an orgasm. for the record: i do shit about 3 times a day... but the size, color, smell & consistancy may vary.

josh's picture

sometimes i shit and blood comes out my ass hole

gergster's picture

i poo once every day or every other day and when i do let loose its one hard solid block that you have to break apart to be able to flush

walt's picture

twice a day-when i get home from school and after dinner. varying sizes, looseness, and smell.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Last week, I would shit footlongs that didn't require wiping! That sounds ideal to me.

jeorgiepoo's picture

ha! im a vegan.. i poop 4 times a day minimum.. i dont know about odorless though

turd the lump's picture

my poo is so stinky, i can smell it now

Floater's picture

Wow... what a completely freaky site. I came across this while shitting and surfing the web simultaneously. Aren't wireless networks grand?

ppg's picture

There is still some "shit fascism" around which was common in Victorian times. It was considered very unhealthy not to shit every day and purgatives were administered to perfectly healthy people who failed in this regularity.

Now there are "experts" who prescribe the perfect shit to be 18" long, to float on water and be odourless, with any variant of this to be a problem.

The ideal shit is one that the person feels comfortable with, doesn't mean rushing to the toilet, nor lots of straining, just the way the person's body processes and eliminates whatever has been eaten.

If you're having problems, seek help, but if your shits are normal for you and feel comfortable; take nop notice of the shit-fascists! Do your own thing!

gg girl's picture

holy crap! if somthing like that came out of my ass id be pretty worried! 18"??? light brown??? ODERLESS??? WHAT KIND OF A SHIT IS ODERLESS????

cowgirl's picture

how the hell would a foot-and-a-half long anal snake fit in the goddamn toilet bowl!?!?

biglongpoo's picture

how can u have a shit that doesnt smell like shit?

poomaster poofaster's picture

like josh, i too have blood follow my poo. it can be a bit of a worry, particularly if it looks like you have had a period and you are a male.

as for this 18" stuff, my goodness, how long would it take to pass through your rectum. if i ever did an 18" poo i would not flush, instead keep it to show my friends. no-one would believe you otherwise.

and poo should stink, crikey, the bad smell tells us not to touch it ,play with it, or eat it. although some people chose not to heed the advise of the smell.

its not realy the poo that is bad for us, but the bacteria the infects it. sweet poo dreams to all

MP's picture

6. Drink lukewarm water with 2 teaspoons of honey every morning on an empty stomach. This effectively lubricates the intestines. If one does not evacuate the intestines regularly, the toxins either end up in the liver or come out in the skin.

poomaniac's picture

recipie for an 18" poo:

* drink 10-24 Pabst Blue Ribbons, followed by one to six shots of Jim Beam Bourbon, depending on body weight.

* between 12AM and 1AM consume large quantities of fast food, 2 Taco Bell 7-layer burritos preferably.

* for added effect, drop dead drunk in the arms of a 52 year old crack whore, or your 3rd grade teacher, whichever is available.

* wake up at noon, smoke a Camel straight and drink 1.25 cups of very strong coffee.

* you will immediately feel Giganticus barking at the back door. Proceed quickly to nearest available receptacle. Don't forget the measuring tape!

* Release the beast. Experience the greatest pleasure known to man. It will almost make the H-bombs going off in your head all day worth it.

Believe me I've tried it and it works! Although I will admit there is sometimes some "inconsistency" that does not permit the formation of the classic "giant anaconda" shape. Current research is focusing on the area of late-night diet and timing thereof. Studies show that Hot sauce and undercooked meat is to be avoided. Further experiments to continue forthwith.

king of crap's picture


this is the funniest site i have ever seen,i laughed so hard that i almost crapped my pants...

while the concept that all men and women are created equal, the idea of three 18" craps in one day is scary and that we all should have the same is even worse. i pride my self on my ability to clear the back rooms of our house(even after using air freshener)when i finish my business. well i have a question for anyone that may have an answer: my wife says that she smells like roses when she goes is this an indication of a serious health problem or something else??? i think it may be a psycological problem called DENIAL...or simply shes full of fertilizer. in closeing the conceptual ideas of the throne room may be specific to the dumpie, i can say that this has been a worthwhile event in poo knowledge. so thanks to evey one who has made comments and donated info(not to mention make someone laugh) to this worthy cause.

thank you all,


Mister Hankey's picture

Mine are the consistancy of peanut butter. They streak the bottom of the bowl when I flush them. I did take an 18 inch'er once or twice. It looked like the Loch Ness. When I flushed, it started spinning around then it began to rise up out of the water. It would have drew a circle on my butt had I still been sitting. On it's way down it made a large thumping noise which I could feel through the floor boards.

the_brown_word's picture

Mr Hankey I almost can believe you. The part about the circle on your ass made perfect sense. No SHIT! (very little)

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Good GOD! Poomaniac, you have made one of the absolute best studies in poopreport history. Please e-mail any further research to the man in charge. He would really enjoy it.

Oh, recently, I felt I was mount vesuviASS attacking the pompeii of porcelain recently. It was so bad, I had 3 nightmares last night.

shameful pooper's picture

I only go evry other day, now i have 2 break them up tho because i used to do really long ones and they wouldnt flush!!

crapper king's picture

Thank god i quit smoking. I didn't know how much i was missing,it sends you down the path of constipation and once you quit you will enjoy the rewards of a healthy visit 3 times a day...and your wife will say,still pooping!!

loose pooper's picture

we all know how healthy 'regular movements' are. And i have them-regularily. But I miss those satisfying big jobbies. Any (sensible) advice on how to still enjoy them from time to time?

Forest Sprite's picture

heh. I'm lucky enough to take a shit oece a week! :( was born with collidous and I used to shit ALOTT when i was a baby. Now I'm am lucky enough to take a crap once a week now : ;sobs ::

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