The Ideal Poo

// // 194 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I am an engineer, and I like precise engineering specifications and procedures. While internet-researching information about acute colitis, I came across a homeopathic website touting the benefits of "colon hydrotherapy," or a BF enema. At the end of the article was a description of the perfect poop. I think readers of this website would benefit from the information:

Healthy Bowel Movements

from Naturally Balanced Health.com

"We must have a healthy, normal bowel movement for every meal that we consume, each and everyday. If we eat three meals per day, we must have three bowel movements per day. When we were infants are bowels functioned healthy and regular. Food in, fecal out!

"When we have less than two bowels movements per day, food residues accumulate for more than twelve hours, putrefication and fermentation begins and the insides begin rotting, aging and becoming ill. Any nutritional elements present in the fecal matter passes into the bloodstream as polluted products, thus toxemia commences. Pimples and other skin blemishes are generally the first sign of toxemia.

"A healthy bowel movement must be eighteen inches long (for an adult,) one solid piece, light golden brown in color, one inch in diameter, odorless and floats in the toilet basin. Anything other than that is unhealthy. Broken apart, hard, dark, odor, large or loose stools are the indication of putrefication and constipation and thus the beginning of poor health. Use this as your barometer for quality health as a result from quality eating."

Well, now you have something to strive for!

If there is anyone who believes that they can take a crap that doesn't stink... I say they are full of shit!

194 Comments on "The Ideal Poo"

Anonymous's picture

If your BM floats your not eating enough fiber, also you don't have to go as many times as you eat since some food takes longer to digest.

I dropped a missile that circled the bowl one and one half times. I almost sent a photo to Ripley's.

As long as their is no blood, green or yellow feces can be a variety of shades of brown. I do agree about the smell issue, if it smell's toxic it is. There is nothing better than taking a morning BM seriously .

Anonymous's picture

I don't think it's possible to drop 18 inches of solid wastes after each meal. A diet including fish, chicken, lean cuts of meat, fiber, fruits, yogurt with active cultures, and veggies will keep your colon happy. The craze about pooping large and alot is a little out of hand. As long as you are pooping once a day or every other without struggling, you are ok.

Anonymous's picture

For the author: My boyfriend, whom I have lived with for several months, does not have stinky poos... lol. Never have I ONCE gone in there after he takes a dump and it stinks. I thought it was really weird, so I have actually been looking online for health complications...so to you author, NOT EVERYONE's shit stinks!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

Colonics are totally unnecessary - but it's true about the putrification. Hospitals are really careful about making sure patients with memory issues remember whether they've gone or not because leaving it causes putrification and toxicity issues. YUK!

Anonymous's picture

I have been pooping 3 to 4 times daily my poop is like 8" long and normally just one....I thought I was ill because of the 8" and now you tell me it's normal to poop a 18" turd? I would prolly freak out to the point of passing out if I dropped something like that...I do know sometime it feels like an 18 incher is moving out but some time it ends up only being 6"...I must be one unhealthy person...18" my Lord what has taking a healthy poop come to?

Ollie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

It shoudnt mater that much how often you go everyone is different i usually go once a day or every other day either before i leave college or when i get home, but isnt it great when its loose, no effort is required, jst a nice easy exit, one push, plop, wipe done lol

Smelly shitter

Ollie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I usualy go after i've got in from college or before i leave college depending on how desprate i am but isnt great when its loose nice esay exit, one push, plop, wipe done lol

Smelly shitter

Anonymous's picture

Been vegan for like a month before then I wouldnt think that was possible... thats right... 3 times a day... no need lining up one at a time ladies!!

blow it out ur ass's picture

By far some of the funniest shit I've ever read!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hello, AC: Your dorm-mates "having a blast" in the bathroom needed a dose of hard reality: namely, your true bathroom blast of a strong and righteous bowel movement. Next time, shrug off your shyness and blast away! Yes, a large solid b.m. feels wonderful; don't deny yourself that pleasure simply because someone else is there. Grunt to get it out, and then sigh in ecstasy right after the splash (if there is one). You can say, "Yes! Yes! Oh, wow, yes indeedy! Whoo-ee!" or the like, just to rub it in.

Anonymous Coward's picture

19 year old female.
17" long.
2.25" diameter.
It was very uncomfortable holding in, but slid right out. Large poops provide the most relief for me...it's a good feeling. But I've never pooped that big!
I'm sure I lost 3 pounds at least from it. The thing is, I did just poop yesterday morning...I haven't been constipated.
I live in a dorm, so I only poop when I can ensure that I have at least some privacy, or that no one will see me go in to know my identity. Then if someone comes in and I'm already in a stall, I wait it out for them to leave.
Anyway. This morning there were people doing their hair, and overall having a blast in the bathroom. They were giggling, chatting it up, etc. Meanwhile I'm dying in my room across the hall with half a yard of crap ready to be pulled out of me by gravity if I stand for another second!
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the toilet.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Chief: The way to begin this experiment is with a dedicated vacuum cleaner. The next time the experimenter has trouble expelling a hard, impacted stool, place the sucker hose (more than one way to take that one!) over the anus and the emerging turd, and turn it on, making sure the vacuum is as tight as possible. Success, of course, means a ruined vacuum; failure would at least answer the important question of whether at least that strength of vacuum is effective in constipatory relief. That study should be worth a grant ("the grunt grant" for short).

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

HA! Don't count on it.

_______________
The path of least resistance is what makes rivers and politicians crooked. - Unknown

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I am drafting a letter to both my senators and my congressman. Perhaps this will help them get back on track and actually do something helpful.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

Chief...such questions must be answered. As poopers with vision, we may have to lobby congress to secure funding. What or where else does NASA need to explore? What if a secured ass cheek gets caught on the event horizon of a black hole?...will it decheek in infinate stretching until it shapes into a thin strand if spagetti? Or will the strength of cheek muscles resist the pull? Important stuff.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

brown line ... Your comment has brought a question to my mind. If an astronaut bares his ass, through a sealed around the edges pooping door in his suit, will the vacuum of space expedite his pooping by sucking out the turd or will some ill fate befall him? such as being decheeked.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

When in undergrad, the commute would be approx. 40 minutes by car. I had criteria for what constituted a Top 10 shit...as follows.
1. Must be at least ten minutes into your destiny when the bowels start rumbling.
2. Cannot do a convenient stop..must wait until you reach a facility in your patterned destination (school, job...and yes, the moon for all astronauts out there...of course...zero gravity may pose a problem...NEVERMIND..)
3. Must land on toilet as your about to expunge...better yet..expunge as your sitting.
4. The final criteria is having only two butt wipings (not talking about 20+ sheet bundles to wipe away all day). If only one wipe is necessary, even better. The final gesture being one of pure joy and relief...skipping out of the bathroom with clean hands, and whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show.

****if I had less than 10 of these per year, I was a happy man,

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Celiac's picture

PMSL Keep on talking crap it's great.

Geo's picture

That's all nonsense. A stool a day is sufficient. Two for people who eat more. Stool shortly after each meal indicates irritable bowel syndrome. Floating stool is obviously bad because it indicates gas inclusions (colitis). I agree with golden though. I good stool is looks like an agglomeration of beads. That takes time to form. People who become vegetarian usually go directly into fermentation colitis which sends them to the toilet shortly after each meal. The main characteristics of a good stool are:
1. Hard end dense (sinks)
2. Relatively low volume (efficient digestion)
3. Non smelly
4. Non sticky (no need for toilet paper)

By the maturity few people have that.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

The perfect poop is many things but like real estate, location, location, location. The best poop is near the best toilet.

poop on me when ur not strong...'s picture

i hate the speckled poop. they are so ugly

Anonymous Coward's picture

After reading all these comments.....i'm just kinda hungry for french toast.

By the way, no toilet could contain a freakin 18 inch poop.

poops-a-lot's picture

With the moon being about 238,000 miles away from earth.
If you pooped 18 inches, 3 times a day (54 inches per day)and layed them end to end. It would take about 765,077 years to reach the moon from earth.
So, if you think about it.....it really isn't that much poop.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Baby poop also stinks!

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

Seems to me that dropping a 1"x18" deuce 3 times a day would mean you're eating too much. Damn!

_______
How I beat IBS

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Explosive Expulsion's picture

Yow! An "eighteen inch" Titanic! And "three times a day" --- are you sure they aren't speaking about equestrian digestion? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ... if I don't go for two days I can "generate" a perfect Titanic ... until then, its just another "human" effort for me.

JEALOUS???'s picture

I find it hilarious that people think it's impossible to do a solid 18 inch turd. I would like to take a moment to gloat here...I'm a girl, in my 20s, 5'6'', 120 pounds...and I take one 18 inch shit either every day or every other day. It's almost 2 inches in diameter. It literally goes into the toilet hole, and sticks out of the water almost to the rim. It doesn't smell either. I always thought this was BAD but I'm happy to see that it isn't :DDDD I think I might take pictures....

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

The AC who posted yesterday said, " The digestive system and bacteria in your intestine need a good 24 hours (at least) to process food. This is why you gotta eat fiber cereal for 2-3 days before you finally take a nice good dump."

That is not necessarily so AC, the transit time for food through the body can vary a great deal depending on the individual and the type food involved, also any current medical conditions can have quite an influence.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dear recent unregistered contributors: 18" of poop is fairly robust, but no means abnormal; occasionally it will even come out as one piece, though my own usually break up into shorter ones. Flushing depends on thickness, not length; if your turd is too thick, it may have trouble going down, but I have seen my longest ones, curled around the bowl or lying across the hole, when I flush the toilet, simply pick up their skirts (t.p.) and assume the posture and streamlined shape most adapted for quick exit. FWOOM! There they go!

Pooper-man's picture

I REALLY like poop. I wrote some good songs about poop. I eat food all the time...not so much for the benefits of eating...but because I really really like pooping!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

the perfect poo is at home with the sunday newspaper and nothing to do but sit and stink.

Anonymous Coward's picture

This is the worst thing I've ever read. A good poop is a soft comfortable one, which doesnt leave nuggets behind, and where you don't feel constipated throughout the day. Some people don't even need to poop everyday. My ex pooped 3 times a day. Whatever is usual and comfortable for you is normal.

18 INCHES?? That wouldn't even flush. The digestive system and bacteria in your intestine need a good 24 hours (at least) to process food. This is why you gotta eat fiber cereal for 2-3 days before you finally take a nice good dump.

sgveggie's picture

this is totally true for me! i always poop 12-18 inches. i always thought it was strange, but now i am starting to believe that its not! my mom used to make fun of me, but i have pooped like that since i was a little girl. lots of fiber, and my tummy is always flat. never bloated. good pooping, its not scary at all! and the toilet handles it fine. its relieving!!

queefie's picture

did not find my answer, but glad to know that almost anything seems normal, i just had a bit of grief and im no passin very loose yellow poop with food bits in it, but def never ever passed 18 inch in my life, cant believe this is a site by some kind of expert! seems like victorian nonsense, im sure we all aware, that we all vary in our "normal" habits

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I have heard of eating poop, and I cannot imagine any circumstance under which it would be normal. Since by definition it is a substance from which the digestive system has already removed what your body needs, it has nothing valuable in it; junk food, as literally as possible. Of course, it does have additives: billions of bacteria.

As for farting and having poop also come out: we have several topic threads on the shart.

Poop goes teh weasel's picture

rofl. 18 inches. and you eat you own poop. love you guys. is it normal to fart and instead you shit. ?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Since you have to ask if eating poo or pooping the bed at night is normal. My answer is NO!! Eating poop is bizarre and if you crap your bed in your sleep then you really are sick, so go to the doctor. GO to the gastroenterologist for the bed pooping and the psychiatrist for eating your poop.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Generally its not a good idea to eat your shit, but in your case, poolooker, I think you should have several helpings a day.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

poolooker 's picture

i always shit everyday it is always sloppy and you here a massive plop when it falls to the bottom and it is 30cm i mesaured it on a dailey bases i always taste it when it plops out. i also poo before i go to bed so that i dont crap myself in the middle of the night otherwise i would have to wear a nappy but is this normal nobody knows im sick after i eat it should i eat it or not!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

ian and ema......The length of the average adult colon is 1.5 meters, that would be capable of holding a rather impressive turd.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ian and emma's picture

do you mean 18cm, 18 inches would back up

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You'll know you have spent too much time here when it's NOT a dream.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Chief your comment really spoke to me. I had a dream the other night I reached in the bowl and touched my poop. Then it enveloped my hand and I couldn't shake it off. I awoke screaming and ran to the bathroom where I promptly scrubbed my hands and arms for 15 minutes with scalding hot water and an entire bar of soap. Maybe I'm spending to much time here.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Jeez I havent had a good solid log in years. Mostly it balls up on me and leaves streaks on the bottom of the bowl. What causes that?
_______
AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You forgot the most important test there, Chief. How does it taste? After squeezing it, lick your fingers. Does it have a meaty, gamy flavor or do you taste blood or does it taste like it smells. Don't forget. Don't pee in the pot before you poop. We wouldn't want your taste test to be adulterated by urine.
_______
My special needs student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

whats wrong with me body?......I must differ with you, it is very easy to pass eighteen inches of poop. I didn't make a poopie yesterday which is highly unusual for me. When I accomplished the task this morning my turd would have easily reached eighteen inches in length if I had fished it from the bowl and reassembled it. It broke into several pieces as it was extruded.

As to your question concerning the present color of your poop I need more information before I can pass judgment. Next time you pinch a loaf reach into the commode, pick up a representational chunk and squeeze it until it oozes between your fingers....now...was the texture smooth or gritty? Get back to PR as soon as you accomplish this test and I will try to resolve your problem.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

whats wrong with me body?'s picture

ok thats just sick what human being would posibly have an 18 inch SOILD poop? i barley poop 5 inches. and btw pimples and blemishes r caused by clogged pores who ever wrote this article must be stupid... but even this doesnt answer my question! what do i do when my poop is light brown when its normally dark brown?

Med student's picture

actually floating turds are a sign of excess fat in the poop and means your gut is not digesting fat properly which is a problem! but then again i have a feeling the person who wrote that just pulled it out of their ass and doesn't actually have any training in poop or any evidence to back it up

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

The ideal shit would come over in the afternoon, have sex with me and immediately afterwards turn into a pizza and a six-pack.

Damn, that's the ideal girlfriend....nevermind

winnie the shit's picture

18" shit sounds painful... and I don't recall ever carrying a measuring tape around to check my shit??

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