The Ideal Poo

m 1+ points - Newb

I am an engineer, and I like precise engineering specifications and procedures. While internet-researching information about acute colitis, I came across a homeopathic website touting the benefits of "colon hydrotherapy," or a BF enema. At the end of the article was a description of the perfect poop. I think readers of this website would benefit from the information:

Healthy Bowel Movements

from Naturally Balanced

"We must have a healthy, normal bowel movement for every meal that we consume, each and everyday. If we eat three meals per day, we must have three bowel movements per day. When we were infants are bowels functioned healthy and regular. Food in, fecal out!

"When we have less than two bowels movements per day, food residues accumulate for more than twelve hours, putrefication and fermentation begins and the insides begin rotting, aging and becoming ill. Any nutritional elements present in the fecal matter passes into the bloodstream as polluted products, thus toxemia commences. Pimples and other skin blemishes are generally the first sign of toxemia.

"A healthy bowel movement must be eighteen inches long (for an adult,) one solid piece, light golden brown in color, one inch in diameter, odorless and floats in the toilet basin. Anything other than that is unhealthy. Broken apart, hard, dark, odor, large or loose stools are the indication of putrefication and constipation and thus the beginning of poor health. Use this as your barometer for quality health as a result from quality eating."

Well, now you have something to strive for!

If there is anyone who believes that they can take a crap that doesn't stink... I say they are full of shit!

194 Comments on "The Ideal Poo"

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

guru asswipie: absolutely excellent slash...'Are your bowels y2K compliant?' ROTFLMAO! I wanted to puke almost the entire year leading up to 0/1/2K. The scams, the snake oil salesmen, the fever was incredible. It almost got to my Dad, who has been retired for a while, and who was convinced he needed to withdraw all his money and bury it in the backyard. Finally, my bro and I had to sit him down and put it to him: "Dad, you're acting like a dog trying to bury his shit. Your money's fine where it is!" Fortunately, we calmed him down, and I think he's still a little embarrassed that he almost fell for

the whole Y2K hysteria.

Anyhoo, your comment was the funniest and most incisive I've seen in a long time. Kudos!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Joe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

18 inches?!?

Fart is for fools's picture

well this is juss plain old shat u ppl who dont belive f.y.I i take about 3 poo poos a day and from my family they dont smell to bad ive gotten some nice long smooth ones aswell id say the longest has been about a 25 incher i juss love holding my stomache soo tight for however long i can to get that loooooooong turd in circular motion around the bowl

pooperman's picture

thats the biggest load of shite ive ever heard, literally.

i dont believe any1 could pass 3 turds a day each at 18 inches by 1 inch diameter

they would have to be eating sumthing that resembled expanding foam

i think sum 1 is taking the piss

Jack's picture

I should have known. (Head hung in shame.)

honey_monster's picture

And for more interesting tales of toilets and crappers, check this out:

honey_monster's picture

Does anyone seriously have a toilet large enough that would allow an 18 inch turd to float?

18 inches??? Jeez, thats longer than a babies arm.

I'd be scared if I ever did an 18 inch poo.

"Please God, make it stop!"

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points


Jack's picture

I typically take between 2 and 3 dumps per day and none of them meet this description. For one, I think I would positively freak out if I managed to squeeze out a solid 18 inches of crap.

As for timing, it doesn't exactly match up 1-for-1 with my meals. I have to go right away in the morning but for some reason it doesn't all get released until I move around some. So I get up, dump and then eat, get dressed and gather my things for the day and by then I have to send another one down the shoot. I take my second one in the evening. The sometimes third one makes itself known a few minutes in to my workout.

There, I'm sure everyone's feels as though all the epistemological holes are quaintly filled in.

By the way, have people around here ever compared when and how often they hang rats? That might be fun.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Those quotes sound like something out of the movie, "The Road To Wellville," in which Anthony Hopkins, as the BM guru doctor, tells hapless patient, Matthew Broderick, that his small lump of shit really stinks. Whereas, his monstrous snake does not--having the odor of a biscuit. (I'm paraphrasing here, but my reaction when I heard that line was: "Don't pass the biscuits, please!")

An eighteen-inch bowel movement that is light golden in color, floats and doesn't stink sounds more like a big loaf of French bread instead of a turd. This excerpt from Naturally Balanced is hilarious--my laugh upon getting up this morning. And frankly, I would look for a bodysnatcher pod somewhere in the house if I ever plopped out something odorless.

Ain't gonna happen. I'll stink on proudly at various lengths and in various colors.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

kiteless's picture

if colonics were medically necessary, they'd be done by doctors. i really don't buy -alot- of this. if you ever had to have a coloscopy (i can't spell that!) done, you'd have to go thru a whole cleansing routing that doesn't involve any of that. it usually involves some sort of really horrific drink with phosphorous in it. so on that note, considering i don't buy the whole colonics thing, i don't buy the perfect poop thing either =)

Dave J's picture
l 100+ points

This sort of thing scares me. We are obviously enlightened, and to an extent, educated people. This excerpt from this "site" sounds like Cult Rhetoric that stupid people buy, hook, line and stinker. AAAGH! Stupid, stupid, stupid mean people make me mad.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Yo, Dave J! It is definitely way-over-the-top stuff. That's why it reminded me of 'The Road To Wellville,' which was about a turn-of-the-century cultish bowel movement Movement. (Ha! I can't believe I just wrote that.)

Do you think anyone would really take this excerpt or that site seriously, though? I guess that's where your concern is directed--for those that might. But it sure wouldn't work for me. I mean, I sometimes do serial shitting in one day--maybe one crap in the morning, one in the evening. I can even remember days in which I did three, but they those days weren't all that common. And eighteen inches in length? Sounds like teenage boys trying to up-one each other in the locker room about their one-eyed monsters.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Oops! I meant 'one-up' each other, not 'up-one.'

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

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