The Ideal Poo

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I am an engineer, and I like precise engineering specifications and procedures. While internet-researching information about acute colitis, I came across a homeopathic website touting the benefits of "colon hydrotherapy," or a BF enema. At the end of the article was a description of the perfect poop. I think readers of this website would benefit from the information:

Healthy Bowel Movements

from Naturally Balanced Health.com

"We must have a healthy, normal bowel movement for every meal that we consume, each and everyday. If we eat three meals per day, we must have three bowel movements per day. When we were infants are bowels functioned healthy and regular. Food in, fecal out!

"When we have less than two bowels movements per day, food residues accumulate for more than twelve hours, putrefication and fermentation begins and the insides begin rotting, aging and becoming ill. Any nutritional elements present in the fecal matter passes into the bloodstream as polluted products, thus toxemia commences. Pimples and other skin blemishes are generally the first sign of toxemia.

"A healthy bowel movement must be eighteen inches long (for an adult,) one solid piece, light golden brown in color, one inch in diameter, odorless and floats in the toilet basin. Anything other than that is unhealthy. Broken apart, hard, dark, odor, large or loose stools are the indication of putrefication and constipation and thus the beginning of poor health. Use this as your barometer for quality health as a result from quality eating."

Well, now you have something to strive for!

If there is anyone who believes that they can take a crap that doesn't stink... I say they are full of shit!

194 Comments on "The Ideal Poo"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I am drafting a letter to both my senators and my congressman. Perhaps this will help them get back on track and actually do something helpful.


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Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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HA! Don't count on it.

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The path of least resistance is what makes rivers and politicians crooked. - Unknown

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Chief: The way to begin this experiment is with a dedicated vacuum cleaner. The next time the experimenter has trouble expelling a hard, impacted stool, place the sucker hose (more than one way to take that one!) over the anus and the emerging turd, and turn it on, making sure the vacuum is as tight as possible. Success, of course, means a ruined vacuum; failure would at least answer the important question of whether at least that strength of vacuum is effective in constipatory relief. That study should be worth a grant ("the grunt grant" for short).

Anonymous Coward's picture
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19 year old female.
17" long.
2.25" diameter.
It was very uncomfortable holding in, but slid right out. Large poops provide the most relief for me...it's a good feeling. But I've never pooped that big!
I'm sure I lost 3 pounds at least from it. The thing is, I did just poop yesterday morning...I haven't been constipated.
I live in a dorm, so I only poop when I can ensure that I have at least some privacy, or that no one will see me go in to know my identity. Then if someone comes in and I'm already in a stall, I wait it out for them to leave.
Anyway. This morning there were people doing their hair, and overall having a blast in the bathroom. They were giggling, chatting it up, etc. Meanwhile I'm dying in my room across the hall with half a yard of crap ready to be pulled out of me by gravity if I stand for another second!
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the toilet.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Hello, AC: Your dorm-mates "having a blast" in the bathroom needed a dose of hard reality: namely, your true bathroom blast of a strong and righteous bowel movement. Next time, shrug off your shyness and blast away! Yes, a large solid b.m. feels wonderful; don't deny yourself that pleasure simply because someone else is there. Grunt to get it out, and then sigh in ecstasy right after the splash (if there is one). You can say, "Yes! Yes! Oh, wow, yes indeedy! Whoo-ee!" or the like, just to rub it in.

blow it out ur ass's picture
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By far some of the funniest shit I've ever read!

Anonymous's picture
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Been vegan for like a month before then I wouldnt think that was possible... thats right... 3 times a day... no need lining up one at a time ladies!!

Ollie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I usualy go after i've got in from college or before i leave college depending on how desprate i am but isnt great when its loose nice esay exit, one push, plop, wipe done lol

Smelly shitter

Ollie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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It shoudnt mater that much how often you go everyone is different i usually go once a day or every other day either before i leave college or when i get home, but isnt it great when its loose, no effort is required, jst a nice easy exit, one push, plop, wipe done lol

Smelly shitter

Anonymous's picture
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I have been pooping 3 to 4 times daily my poop is like 8" long and normally just one....I thought I was ill because of the 8" and now you tell me it's normal to poop a 18" turd? I would prolly freak out to the point of passing out if I dropped something like that...I do know sometime it feels like an 18 incher is moving out but some time it ends up only being 6"...I must be one unhealthy person...18" my Lord what has taking a healthy poop come to?

Anonymous's picture
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Colonics are totally unnecessary - but it's true about the putrification. Hospitals are really careful about making sure patients with memory issues remember whether they've gone or not because leaving it causes putrification and toxicity issues. YUK!

Anonymous's picture
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For the author: My boyfriend, whom I have lived with for several months, does not have stinky poos... lol. Never have I ONCE gone in there after he takes a dump and it stinks. I thought it was really weird, so I have actually been looking online for health complications...so to you author, NOT EVERYONE's shit stinks!!!!!

Anonymous's picture
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I don't think it's possible to drop 18 inches of solid wastes after each meal. A diet including fish, chicken, lean cuts of meat, fiber, fruits, yogurt with active cultures, and veggies will keep your colon happy. The craze about pooping large and alot is a little out of hand. As long as you are pooping once a day or every other without struggling, you are ok.

Anonymous's picture
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If your BM floats your not eating enough fiber, also you don't have to go as many times as you eat since some food takes longer to digest.

I dropped a missile that circled the bowl one and one half times. I almost sent a photo to Ripley's.

As long as their is no blood, green or yellow feces can be a variety of shades of brown. I do agree about the smell issue, if it smell's toxic it is. There is nothing better than taking a morning BM seriously .