Bringing Out Baby

// // 567 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was surprised when I came to PoopReport to see that there were no entries about childbirth pooping. Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

So yes, I too pooped during those final hours of labor. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, what happened to me was far more embarrassing than squeezing out a few doo-doo droppings on my OBGYN.

It was my first baby and I opted for the epidural -- the injection that numbs you from the waist down. And as many of you might know, when you are numb from the waist down, that includes ALL of your muscles. As a result of this numbness, I was unable to control any gas that needed to exit, and ended up ripping LOUD (I mean LOUD) farts left and right. They seemed to be coming every three seconds.

Mind you, I have never been a farter or a Shameless pooper. I've never had any trouble with my bowels; I rarely fart, and I NEVER farted in front of other people -- even my own family and my husband of six years. But on that day it all changed.

I eventually told the nurse I didn't want any guests, and to only disturb me when absolutely needed. I was so embarrassed by my out-of-control gas. I desperately wished I had that fart device depicted on SNL once -- the one that plugs up your ass and makes verbal, robot-like conversation every time you break wind. Instead, I ended up wedging a towel in between my cheeks to muffle the sound. It worked. I lay there, numb as can be, farting in blissful silence, and no one could tell.

I implore everyone here to ask your own mothers about their childbirth stories. I'm sure there are some good ones.

-- MommyPoo

567 Comments on "Bringing Out Baby"

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

MommyPoo, I went through the EXACT same thing with my first child. Epidural and all. I had my first enema that day as well. No pooping on Dr. from me!!

With my second child, however, no epidural and no enema..... I crapped all over the bed and doctor - much to my boyfriends disgust and ensuing hilarity at parties with friends where he'd tell them all about it. My labour was so fast with the second one that by the time I requested an epidural and an enema, his head was already getting ready to pop out! I only had time to inhale the onion-scented fumes from the nitrous oxide mask like a crack ho sucking on her pipe.

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

LOL! I've heard of doctors having to leave the room because they are so disgusted with what comes out on the table. I guess I was lucky -- they were pretty nice about it and assured me it was just from all the pressure of the descending baby. That made me feel a little less freakish.

I could also tell you some stories about the SEVERE constipation that came about after the birth. I thought I was going to die and drove 20 miles in an ice storm just to see a doctor.

It's all so glamourous, isn't it?

dude's picture

...and don't forget the joy of first poop after needing an episiotomy. My wife said she was it tears...

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Yes, the stitches are often was causing the constipation. :(

Mike Olenreeks's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Maybe they should offer a six pack of blatz beer, cashews and a cigarette to all mothers as a "home care kit" after the episiotomy. You never know - it always works for me.

Kung Poo's picture
l 100+ points

All I can say is this story makes me glad I can never become pregnant.

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Mike, they send you home with a bottle of something to "get things going'' but when you anticipate that it's gonna hurt...well, would you wanna take a crap with stitches that close to yer *ahem* exit? When the waste descends from your colon is puts pressure on the perineal area which is precisely where the tear/cut occurs. It's not fun.

Tydiriu's picture

Wait... it TEARS? As in your dilation isn't enough?

I'm scared.

Mike Olenreeks's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Touche MommyPoo. I had three surgeries (2 nsuccessful and one successful) for a perianal abcess when I was 36. For 18 months, I was producing brown snakes with a candy apple red racing stripe all the way down one side (from passing through my wound) and walking around with gauze shoved up there. (That's what the Blatz beer in that witches brew I recommended above was for -- softening)

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh man...ouch. Still...I think it was a mental thing. I was taking stool softeners out the wazoo but was too terrified to go and thus my digestive system pretty much shut down.

When I was very, very little I had an anal fissure (sp?) and it was total hell for a little kid. I had all kinds of tests done and at one point before they determined that it was indeed an anal fissure they made me sleep with masking tape on my ass in case pinworms were causing my discomfort.

Tydiriu -- some women tear but most women are cut first to avoid the tear. It doesn't really make sense, but the medical profession does it anyway (like many other things). When you get pregnant make sure to massage your perineal area and tell your doc you don't want an episiotomy.

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh -- and it's your cervix that dilates (not the vaginal opening).

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Indeed!

LeeAnn's picture

Oh lord, this is bringing back memories...

With my first baby, I was offered an enema, but I had had a HUGE bowel movement that morning, and was pretty confident that I was empty. Nope. Along with a baby, I pushed out some poop. I was only 19, and even more shameful than I am now, so I nearly died. The nurse just matter-of-factly cleaned it up, but my mother found it hilarious. She said "Next time, you'll take that enema won't you?" I said, "There won't BE a next time!" (I'm sure all of you moms remember that feeling, immediately after labor..."I'm NEVER doing that again!") Pooping was a horrible trial after that. I had the stool softeners, I knew better than to strain, but I could not clear the mental image of the stitches popping open from my mind.

I tried the massage thing, but I'm just not big down there. No matter how much they tried to stretch things, it just wasn't going to get any bigger. The doc knew I didn't want an episiotomy, but as things progressed he finally said "You aren't stretching enough. It's either cut or tear at this point." I opted to cut, because when my sister tried not cutting, she tore completely down to her anus, and I was not keen on that idea!

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'd rather poop on the doctor than sit in the bathroom with the runs while I'm in labor!

Alex's picture

Wow i almost puked after hearing all those comments i'm gonna adopt a kid. Damn does it get easier after more and more kids? cause my mom had 6!

Tom's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh my God, this is so funny! When my wife gave birth I was horrified to see a baby and a turd coming out of her. I would never tell anybody about her crapping herself. But I guess crapping during pregnancy is very common. Thanks for the good laugh.

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm surprised that the husbands are so shocked/amused by the pooping. My husband has tried to make fun of me about it but every time I tell him to STFU and that I'd like to see him push out a watermelon through a straw without some crap coming out. All modesty really goes out the window when you're in labor. Your feet are spread in strirups for hours on end, multiple strangers (hospital staff) are periodically sticking their hands up your vagina...pooping doesn't seem like such a big deal compared to all of that.

LeeAnn's picture

Alex, it does get a bit easier with each birth. For most women, anyway. My second baby was a lot easier than my first. I was in labor for longer, but when it came time to push, I really didn't have to put in a lot of effort. I certainly didn't poop that time!

Alex's picture

Thats good cause me coming from a big family i'd hoped it would be easier for my moms sake.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

7 years ago when my daughter was born I saw her exit my wife's vagina. I held one of my wife's legs, the nurse held the other and the doctor pulled my daughter out.

Don't remember any poop involved. Guess I missed out.

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Some women don't poop but maybe her nurses were just discreet. ;)

CyberPoop's picture

I don't think any man with an inch of imagination could read this post and the comments and not agree that women are by far the stronger sex.

JustaGirl's picture

I've been reading all these posts and laughing myself sick with the memories of it all. I don't recall this topic ever coming up on PR before (more evidence that this site is mostly visited by men). With my first child, I (thankfully) didn't poo during the delivery. With my second child, it was another story. Everything hurt so much down there that I wasn't actually sure if I had pooped or not, I just sort of suspected I might have. The stench in the air proved my suspicions were correct. The nurses are very cool, though. One of them whisked the mess away quick as can be, the other had a clean blanket under me immediately, and I swear some little air-freshening fairy quickly flew through the room and made the air sweet again in time for the arrival of my baby. I don't have the time or energy to get started on the POST-BIRTH poopies. Let's just say this: Ladies, do NOT double up on the stool softeners for 5 days in a row and then allow yourself to wander more than a few feet from a washroom... the result would put even the most shameless shitter to shame.

MommyPoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Poop faires! I love it! I'm going to refer to all L&D nurses as "poop fairies" from now on.

2pooornot2poo's picture

Brings back many memories of the dreadful stirrups and labour table....I didn't poo, but I think I must of done every other conceivable thing...but maybe I did poo and they were discreet too! I doubt it I had very mean nurses, one even told me to stop all the crying and that it wasn't that bad! HA! It was too, expecially when your 19!

Joanne's picture

This happened to me when I gave birth last year.

I usually do big long fat turds anyway, being a fat girl who eats a lot and during my pregnancy like many women I got constipated and did some really huge logs. I dont take laxatives anyway and when pregnant you are not supposed to as they can cause miscarriages in some cases.

On the day of the birth I hadnt been for a motion for a couple of days and I knew there was a big jobbie up my back passage. My contractions started and my waters broke, soaking my knickers and legs and my husband drove me to the Maternity Hospital. In the Labour Room I told the nurse I was needing a motion but was constipated, but she didnt seem bothered about this. In the old days when my mother gave birth to me it was the custom to give a woman an enema to clear out her rectum before she gave birth but that was abandoned as undignified and adding to the trauma. Also it was a lot easier for the nurses and midwifes to cope with a woman passing a solid stool than perhaps squirting diarrhea all over them and the table etc after an enema.

I was bearing down as instructed and the midwife was happily telling me that I was dilated well and the baby's head was advancing properly when I felt something else which I had forgotten about also coming out, my big jobbie. I moaned to the nurse and my husband " Oh no, Im doing a poo. Im sorry" The nurse just smiled and said "Dont worry love many women do when they are giving birth, we call it "code brown" just let it come out and we will deal with it, concentrate on your baby" I did and a few moments later two things came out of me, my daughter at nine pounds from my vagina and a big fat turd from my anus. I didnt of course see my jobbie, one of the nurses quickly removed it in a bedpan and cleaned me and the area, but my husband later told me that it was about 14 inches long and nearly 3 inches thick and very knobbly. I was again a bit constipated while in hospital for two days and did another huge hard jobbie in the patients' toilet on the ward which stuck in the pan when I pulled the flush.

mobutu's picture

this took so long to read, now I have to take a shit

Kevin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

We're getting ready to have our seventh child. Yup, seventh, I also have one from my first marriage. But as far as I can recall, my wife never crapped during childbirth.

Me's picture

I never pooped during the birth of any of my children. But I was terrified that I would with each one. I was horrified at the thought of people actually SEEING me take a dump. I felt so relieved every time a kid was born and I didn't crap on the doc...

Sweet Potato's picture

Talk about a Code Brown...

When I was about 12, I was hospitalized for a month following some surgery. I've always been a Private Farter and Very Shameful Shitter (maybe it's a gene more prevalent in females). Anyhow, it felt like I was never alone for a moment. I had a private room, but my mom was always with me, or a nurse, or one of the kids from the other rooms. I never had the opportunity to fart discreetly or take any sort of satisfactory dump.

This built up for about a week. I would tell a nurse I needed to go to the bathroom, and she would put her hand on my lower abdomen and say "Yes, you do feel full". The humiliation! Then she would stick a bedpan under me and sit there and wait. I just couldn't do it.

Anyway, after a week of that, they had to give me sedatives before some procedure. I drifted into a trancelike state and my Fart Supressor just let go. Here I was, door open onto the rest of the ward, farting these ceaselessly loud and voluminous farts, and my control mechanism just wouldn't work. I remember my mom was in there with me and I was crying and saying "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" every time another fart rocketed its way out. My ass sounded like a New Year's party at which everyone had one of those roll-up noisemakers...midnight came and went again and again and again.

The memory of the incident haunts me to this day. I've been hospitalized several times since and I've always put special priority on having a lot of private time in the bathroom.

jazzy's picture

See! Women do have poop stories! The girl/girl conspiracy discussion is full of people wondering why women don't share poop stories like men do. We just needed a topic that will inspire fond memories of crapping on a table in front of a ton of people!

When I was 15 I saw my nephew born and was mortified when my older sister crapped on the table. I told my boyfriend the next day what happened and he began calling her "dookey Jamie". This was 11 years ago and he still calls her that. hahaha...it's really not a big deal anymore to us, but it brings back such nostalgia to hear him shout "dookey Jamie!!!" when she walks in the house to visit.

Squooshy's picture

I feel your gas pain.

I could hear tooting when I was in labor and I had no idea from where it was escaping. It couldn't have been me. I was numb. Thinking that maybe there was some piece medical equipment making rude noises under my bed I asked my nurse to investigate.

When she said I was farting, I assured her I certainly was not! That would have be rude of me.

I then lifted the sheets and realized she was correct.

I'm glad my OBGYN doesn't have to look me in the eye. He'd see my embarrassment.

Vixen's picture

Last night my baby pooped white poop . What can cause a white poop?

Joe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I remember when my wife was delivering our daughter, she gave a great big push, and out of her ass came this long, snake shaped turd! It must have been 12 inches long, and was coiling up on the gurney. I was so shocked at first, I wasn't sure what happened. Then I realized that it came out of her poop chute and not her pussy. I almost fell to the floor laughing, but I held on. It was the sickest sight I think I've seen in a very long time.

MP's picture

Ack, Joe! I would've been shocked too. Most of the other moms I've talked to didn't actually take a shit on the table...typically it's just that a little comes out. i guess it would depend on how much you eat beforehand. I know they advice mothers to eat lightly if they expect labor is coming soon and that's what I did. The night before I only had rice and toast.

ScatWoman's picture

I for one am a woman who does not feel the slightest bit 'unfulfilled' as a woman in not experiencing such a degragding, humiliating experience (childbirth)...esp. as MommyPoo so vividly describes "All modesty really goes out the window when you're in labor. Your feet are spread in strirups for hours on end, multiple strangers (hospital staff) are periodically sticking their hands up your vagina..." I hate that f'ing annual pap smear ordeal enough as it is, could not face that exercise in pain and humiliation called childbirth & to top it off by shitting myself in front of strangers! I am getting cold chills down my spine just thinking of it! I admire women who have the strenght and desire to do it, good for them, but I'll pass.......esp since the 'fun' isn't over once you've done something akin to squeezing a watermelon out your nostril, then the real fun begins if you've had stitches and have to endure the agony of hot acidic urine running over your raw stitches or strain the perineum whenever there's a stool to be passed. Man, if it was me, I would live on fluids for 2 months! and avoid voiding anything from either end like the plague! Hats off to you brave women, wonder how you stood it.

Hollywood's picture

So....what you guys are saying, is if I ever get pregnant...take an enema so i DONT poop on the table? and an epidural for no pain?!!

MP's picture

Scat Woman, not all births are so humiliating. I hope to be more "in charge" for my next one. Many things in childbirth are humiliating but can certainly be avoided...pooping unfortunately isn't one of them...but, hey, who cares, right? These guys here can talk about shitting on a golf course but a woman can't push out some poop along with the enormous baby that's exiting through her!?! Puh-leeeze! It's no big deal! Women have been birthing and pooping since the beginning of time!

Kristy's picture

As a neonatal nurse, I can honestly say that not only can a woman poop while delivering a baby, but she can also poop ON the baby. I can't count how many babies I've assessed that smell like big people poop. It's wretched & rank & should never EVER happen. I am a firm believer in the pre-delivery enema, and I've often said I'd request one or do it myself before I delivered my babies. I think they should bring 'em back. hehe

To Vixen (danielle_mojica@yahoo.com)-if your baby only had one white poop, I'd mention it the next time you took he/she to the doctor, but if it continues, call the doctor because it could signify a digestive problem.

MP's picture

Kristy, with all do respect -- you feel it should NEVER happen? What do you think women did before hospital births became the norm? You haven't given birth yet? I can't imagine having the shits while already in labor is much fun and I certainly would not do it simply to avoid a little embarrassment.

Duchess's picture

I just gave birth to my first soon 2 months ago. Prior to that time I was terribly afraid of pooping during the delivery.

But after developing pre-emclampsia (high blood pressure) and having to be hospitalized and induced a month early it was the least worry. I think I may have pooped during my very, very short delivery (I delivered my son in three pushes).

Delivering my son was the easiest part of all. I had no epidural and controlled all the pain by breathing. I always thought the breathing stuff was a crock but it really worked. I could have delivered my son earlier than I did but I had to wait for the damn doctor to arrive. I was so mad; I wish I had pooped on everyone at that point.

P.S. for the people who don't want to have a baby because it hurts or it is such a bad experience, don't cheat yourself. Everyone's experience is different. I know this sounds crazy, but I am so looking forward to doing it again.

Sandra's picture

I'm sorry for all you that had these horrible hospital births. Yes, to lay there for hrs with feet in stirrups is just demeaning.And lets not forget the most worse position to birth a child in. I say back to home birth. In the privacy of your own home, let hubby or the midwife clean the mess up. You're already doing the hard work anyway. And I can tell you that when you are trying to push a baby out and you just had mexican the day before, it doesnt really help when your husband keeps saying how bad the smell is. Why did I never slap him?

MP's picture

Thanks, Sandra. I agree! Although, I would still advise every woman that is close to her due date to eat lightly, frequently, and carefully, and not to binge on any greasy food.

Vatfryer's picture

Mike, your care package sounds like an excellent idea. I think those should be given free to all mothers.

I agree, though, to salute this brave, though broads. Good job, ladies! I will NEVER be brave enough to do that.

Bantam's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm not going to comment except to say that I'm glad I'm not a woman.

POOPSI DAISY's picture

I HAD MY FIRST CHILD 3 1/2 YEARS AGO AND YES I SHAT MYSELF MY MOM SAYS SHE WILL NOT GO WITH ME INTO LABOR AGAIN.

I AM SIX MONTHS PREGNANT AND THE DADDY WANTS ME TO EAT LIKE A COW AND LOOK LIKE A COW. HE ALSO WANTS TO SNIFF MY BUTT WHEN I FART AND BE IN THE BATHROOM WHEN I SHIT. I DONT LET HIM. THOSE DAMN PRENATLE PILLS MAKE MY SHIT UNTOLERABLE EVEN FOR ME.

I SO HOPE I DONT SHIT W/ THIS BABY I DONT THINK I WILL EVER HERE THE END OF IT IF I DO. MY BOY FRIEND IS NASTIER THAN ME.

Duchess's picture

That's insensitive that your mother won't go into labor with you just because you shat. What if you need her support? Did you actually shit on her? What is the big deal anyway? Didn't she see your shit when she changed your diaper?

Damn, I am glad my mother acted better than that.

Sweet Potato's picture

I suppose mum would never ever have shit during labor herself.

POOPSI DAISY's picture

NO I DID NOT POO ON HER BUT THE WAY SHE ACTED ABOUT IT I WISH I HAD.

Duchess's picture

Poopsi Daisy:

The most important thing is that you and the baby are okay, not if you shit or not. I doubt the nurses and doctors cared.

If you see my earlier post about my birth experience, you will read that I think I did expell some bowel movement, but I was too busy trying to keep my baby IN while WAITING for the doctor. At that point I was not worry about shitting.

Don't let this overshadow your labor this time. It is such a non-issue.

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