Bringing Out Baby

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I was surprised when I came to PoopReport to see that there were no entries about childbirth pooping. Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

So yes, I too pooped during those final hours of labor. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, what happened to me was far more embarrassing than squeezing out a few doo-doo droppings on my OBGYN.

It was my first baby and I opted for the epidural -- the injection that numbs you from the waist down. And as many of you might know, when you are numb from the waist down, that includes ALL of your muscles. As a result of this numbness, I was unable to control any gas that needed to exit, and ended up ripping LOUD (I mean LOUD) farts left and right. They seemed to be coming every three seconds.

Mind you, I have never been a farter or a Shameless pooper. I've never had any trouble with my bowels; I rarely fart, and I NEVER farted in front of other people -- even my own family and my husband of six years. But on that day it all changed.

I eventually told the nurse I didn't want any guests, and to only disturb me when absolutely needed. I was so embarrassed by my out-of-control gas. I desperately wished I had that fart device depicted on SNL once -- the one that plugs up your ass and makes verbal, robot-like conversation every time you break wind. Instead, I ended up wedging a towel in between my cheeks to muffle the sound. It worked. I lay there, numb as can be, farting in blissful silence, and no one could tell.

I implore everyone here to ask your own mothers about their childbirth stories. I'm sure there are some good ones.

-- MommyPoo

566 Comments on "Bringing Out Baby"

PenguinBoy's picture
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My wife and I welcomed three babies into this world, and she only pooped twice. I was there, to see everything up close, and NOBODY made an issue of it. We were all more interested in the baby...

sittingpretty's picture
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Nunya, call it immaturity or call it not embarrassed, I don't care. But I would have found a funny way to bring up the poops if I knew your wife. Ha ha. I would have said something like.... Hey, how is the baby? Then... by the way, whatever happened to your poobaby. Did you name it Was it a boy or a girl? I guarentee she would have gotten razzed about it by me. Poor Mrs. Nunya doesn't work with any poopreporters. She is missing out.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
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I just ate a piece of watermelon which is 1/4 of a small one. Already my belly just above my pubic bone feels like head pushing pressure and pain. Not that I know. I'm just trying to describe the pain, I'm having, right now, after eating, only watermelon. I haven't drunk my mg citrate yet. I need to go to the uniform store for bigger scrub tops. I don't need the pants. I need medium tops and I still wear extra small petite scrub pants. Sittingpretty LOOKS pregnant. I also need some of those soy candles, Daphne makes, so I'm going to the local Tinderbox for some while I'm out and about. I'm going to have to digress to a full liquid or even clear liquid diet, I think, because I'm going into my second week of magcitratathon and still have a twin to deliver...or triplets. I don't know. All I know is next week I get the followup KUB. I going to ask for bowel rest and get on TPN for nutrition, except for water and clear liquids. I'm not getting anywhere trying to clean out and eating at the same time. If my bowel doesn't work, then I need to stop using it for nutrition that's all. I want to keep going and I can handle my own TPN. I must stop this pain because if I don't noone will. I can't take it anymore. I can sleep with the TPN running at night while I'm home and sleeping. I would work. I need to do something. I can't let them(the healthcare system) let me wither away on by their standards of care. I'm going to have to push to stay alive, without having my colon removed. Simple. Just stop putting food in it amymore. I'm telling the doctor that is what I want. Its that or surgery, the way I see it. I choose that. I can live with a port indefinitely. I'm sure he want to start off with a picc line, which would be fine, temporarily. My skin doesn't tolerate adhesives for extended periods of time. My skin will breakdown in a month. What do you think about my plan poopreporters? Surgery or TPN.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
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Oh and I'm also going to ask for a laparoscopy, too. If there is scar tissue strangling my colon, with its webbing, I may only need some lazer maintanance, to free my colon, thereby, digressing on the TPN. Did I use digress right in a sentence, Chief?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
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Mudder, I'm addicted to poopreport. Commit me.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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sittingpretty....You did well since one of the uses of 'digress' as a verb is "to turn aside or depart from your original course of action."


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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OH MY GOD

Anonymous Coward's picture
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You gals will love this.. in 1981, I was in the hospital pregnant with my second child. She was stuck. Really stuck. For some reason they let me go so far overdue, almost a month. They induced me almost daily, to no avail. My bowels were stopped, the baby was stopped, I was miserable. Finally after many inductions, I felt the need to really, push. My body was expelling the child one way or another. I ripped myself from stem to stern, It sounded like a tea towel ripping in half. Finally out she came.. her head all squished into a cone shape.
I was starving. I had not had a proper meal in days, as the inductions take you to the L&D room at 6am, They keep you until 3:30pm, so you have missed lunch too.. and your too tired to eat from all the fake pushing by dinner...so I was starving.. I found some salad on someones tray, and ate it with my fingers while an intern spent an hour stitching me up. I felt wonderful..but the poor child was born all cracked and bleeding from being so over due.
After each birth, most women have difficulty having that first movement...lets face it, its kinda scarey after all that pushing...
But the rumbling in my tummy said, I better go...now..
I had been blocked off for so long, the stench that came out of me was so foul, I was puking in the garbage can. The smell permeated the entire maternity ward. Women, nurses , doctors were gagging, visitors were leaving... it was embarrassing beyond belief. But there is more.
I pushed so hard, I had several angry hemorrhoids, and over a hundred stitches internally and externally around my anus almost up to my tailbone.
So, while other women were enjoying their sitz baths and such, I was in my bed, with my arse propped up in the air with heat lamps shining on my bottom. This was especially exciting when I had visitors. So, the nurses loves me..I needed help getting out of my "sling" and heat lamps, to get to the bathroom to stink up the entire floor almost hourly for about 3 days. It was on the fourth day, that someone noticed that in my medication, they were also giving me a mild laxative, commonly given to post partum mums....They moved out the other 3 women in my room, because of the constant stench, and my arse up in the air. No my bum has never been quite the same. Nor will I ever forget that humiliation.
The baby had cranial stenosis, when the skull bones are fused together. She had an operation at 5 weeks to correct it. Aside from a strange head, she has graduated with honors twice and has 2 degrees in education. She is married to a med student and they are working on having a family.
Thats the happy ending.

sittingpretty's picture
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That is a pretty good story AC. Your story reminds me of the coneheads on SNL, way back.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

meowpoo's picture
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anonymous coward-poor you.
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-- what smells? shit!

-- what smells? shit!

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I'm not sure what was more painful for me the birthing of big child heads 4 times, those first 4 poops after the big heads, or the horribly uncomfortable stitches and heat laamps. I swear those things could be torture devices.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

prarie doggin's picture
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Yes, but think of the nice tan you got on your ass.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Nah my ass is to white to tan. The bonus of that was everyone in the room had to leave because the glare from the light on my white ass was causing blindness.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Biology is messy means that result in good ends. After reading all these poop stories, I need to lay down a log. On gender differences: I think men try to bond with the gross in life, while women try to compartmentalize it. Part of this is because men's colons are like demonic serpents with vile tempers.

imapussy. :) (so i hide my name)'s picture
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well, i wld love to have a child, i just dont think i can. im not sure. ive tried and tried and it just hasnt happened. i tlkd to my girls and they say quit tryn and it will happen. but how do u quit tryn? That seems like an impossible mission to me. Idk but i wld be terrified to poop in front of my man. like him sitting there watching it? yuck, but i do want him to expirenece his child being born. thats just something he deserves, even though he is a D***head. :)

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Dear IMA if you can't handle shitting in front of yo man and dropping a log while he sits there all watching you and shit like yous a payperview fight then there is no way in hell you need to birth a baby in front of anyone. If you think shitting in front of someone is terrifying just wait till you got shit shooting out your ass passed the doctors face while his hand is shoved elbow deep up your vag and blood, piss,and amniotic fluids is flying all over the room like a damn female fluid hurricane. best to just keep those legs closed, um K.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Bankai's picture
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ROFLMAO.... this had me rolling with laughter! I have seen my sister give birth to my niece and she pooped a bit and apologized to the doc but I laughed about it and right after the baby was born, it was like it never happened.
I myself is pregnant for the first time and really don't care about pooping while in labor, especially since Im gonna try and have my baby in a birthing center. But I really gotta say, there is nothing like a good poop! lol... Im constipated right now, one of the symptoms of being pregnant, and I can't stand it! so Ive been looking into some natural ways to have my bowels go more smoothly, lol. And do like what my husband says, "Drop the kids at the pool" lol. and tho I am a woman I truly gotta say, there is nothing like a good poop and a fart to alleviate the pressure! :)

lovely poo's picture
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i've finally got a good comment!! i've watched 2 videos of birth today(27.12.09) and one of them was with -- no poop but i couldn't see the baby coming out... two--it was a water birth and i could see the baby. - no poop

ChiliKahKah's picture
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Somethings are just TMI.

KawaiiUnchi's picture
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The contractions of labor naturally "cleaned" me out long before I was in the pushing stages. I got to go like normal in my own bathroom. I did try to eat a huge black bean burrito later on that night but that came back up before it could reek embarrassing havoc on my birth experience.

About episiotomies, I recommend birthing mothers avoid these at all costs. Your body will usually stretch and tear minimally. If you aren't so sure it will, you can do or have your hubby do perineal massage for you in the last tri with some nice natural oils of your choosing. That way you can be right back to fear and pain free poops as soon as you need to go.

A good buttsink shouldn't be the answer when you can't wipe, wiping should be the answer when you absolutely can't buttsink.

sd5's picture
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I remember having about 3 tiny poops in the 30 hours I was in labour. When it came to the pushing part, I swear I felt myself poop. I apologised for it and everything, but then both the midwife and my mother said I didn't poop. I was really confused. I either pooped and people pretended it didn't happen to make me feel better about it, or there was a phantom poop!

poopoo2big's picture
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Has any woman had to deal with pushing out a poop that was so hard and thick while having your baby. Would it double the agony of the childbirth? I have suffered with large, painful bowel movements since I was 10 then and for a while I was too embarrassed to tell my mom or doctor, even when they would make my rectum bleed. I'm divorced male, no kids and I've had a hard time finding a woman who understands and accepts my issues with pooping and clogging toilets. My ex didn't take to it well at all even though I chopped up, pushed or plunged these gigantic hard turds down the toilet myself. Sometimes they were 6 to 15 inches long, straight and 2 1/2" inches to 3" in diameter and firm, knobby and well formed and when I wiped there was rarely any poop on the toilet paper. I have gone to a GI doctor and colonoscopies were great..I do have a type of IBS with constipation. I sure would like to find a single/divorced woman who has similar issues and can be supportive and understanding about my pooping issues. handsuluv@hotmail.com

Hands

wtf's picture
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im soo freakin scared of shitting myself when this kid comes out oh gawd i hope i dont shizzz

babysp's picture
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I have no problem with shitting on the table. It's the episiotomy I am worried about. I'm only fifteen and (THANKFULLY) not pregnant, but I do think about this stuff very early for future reference. I don't want to experience vaginal birth if I have to get an episiotomy. I'd rather have a C-section.

Girl Whos 10 's picture
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I am only 10 haha
anyway i think you are just pushing too hard. my mom went slow and she never pooped! i am only 1 of 3 kids so, yeah not so cool. i d care if im called lame comment but, yeah so dont push so hard, kk?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Girl Whos 10......No lame comment for a sage like you.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Mommy2Be Coward's picture
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pls god don't let me poop when I give birth. pls god don't let me poop when I give birth. pls god do't let me poop when I give birth. OMG pleeaaase do not let me poop when I give birth!!!! I would diiieeee............

Anonymous Coward's picture
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flying axe handles!

Bobbin's picture
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Wow! Over 6 years, and this page is still going strong!! Thanks for the laughs, everyone!! XD

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Bobbin, This page will probably go strong for as long as women give birth. Only when the joy is taken from the baby making process will the page die.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Eetaylor1985's picture
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_______
Emily T. I was in labor for three days, not hard labor mind you, just labor. I was in hard labor for about uh 16 hours. I hardly tore at all and didn't shit, but I had no appetite, the doctors had to make me eat something. I too had the epidural, thank God for it. I would have refused guests if I was farting, how strange that it did that. Great thinking with the pillow. Glad you weren't as effed up as me on the eppi :D Thank God for the laughs now though :D Long story short, if you do poop, its totally normal, everything about child birth is normal ...

Emily T.

turd wrangler's picture
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_as a man, i cannot speak personally of the joys of childbirth; but i was in the room when she got knocked up, and again when the vile "happy-place wrecker" made her appearance. MY experience was not with a prenatal poop, but with the equipment. being somewhat sqeamish with other folks bodily functions, my gaze was on ANY area other than _her perianal region. just then a mean spirited nurse yelled out something to the effect of OH MY GOD! as my head, of its own will, was turning to allow my eyes to focus better, head turning some more, and into my sight is thrust: 'The Chocolate Califlower'!!! the horrible vegitable had infiltrated the wifes butt crack, and now i was staring at it. sobbing to myself alittle bit, and throwing up in my mouth a little bit too. btw my kids HATE this story, so i tell it at all our family functions. especially when one of them is introducing a new squeeze. ...it IS funny now. not so much for my ex-wife but for me!_____
...a proud fart trumpets the pending arrival of my Daily Duece...readers digest, oct '89

...a proud fart trumpets the pending arrival of my Daily Duece...readers digest, oct '89

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I don't care if I crap, I pay enough money to have the providers delivery me and the last thing I want is for the doctor to have to cut the baby out or bust out the suction device to pull it out for not pushing due to shame. I don't want a baby with a cone head and increased risk for life long seizures.

If the my man can't handle get lost sissy. I'll throw a blob of crap on his front car seat and rub all over his windwhield LOL.

Deuce's picture
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I have had 4 kids - 3 vaginally and the last by c-section. I got torn all the way through the back door with the first and the third kid. After that, I discovered that the rectum can only be repaired so many times without losing some function. When pregnant with number 4, I had issues with teh baby's head pressing on my business and causing random sharts. It was horrifying. One doc suggested he cut me during delivery to prevent further tearing, but that's nuts (I did the research). A doc (who has experienced the joy of childbirth) suggested a c-section and I went for it. Best choice I could have made...and comparing the postpartum poop experience of repaired bottom vs. post-op...it all hurts, but at least the op. kept the problem from getting worse.

constipated 24/7's picture
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Ive given birth twice now, my first of course not really know what its going to feel like, my mid wife leaves the room, and says when your ready to push let me know...I was like Ok..wanted to walk..not much happening she come back breaks my water..ok still feel good no drugs i think im gonna walk more to speed thing up...not knowing having no water you can feel the baby pressing on all your insides oh that hurt i walk fast to my bed. Then i look at my husband i feel like i have to shit so bad..he goes out and ask if i can..she laughs and says i guess she ready to push,why dont people tell us that what it feels like..no poop i kept asking..my second kid as soon as labor began i had presssure in my ass, to ebarassed to tell them it my ass..tell them its my back..hours go by no drugs again..i yell my f ing ass is killing, they say its cuz my sons head was facing the wrong direction..i getiing pushing and man i smell nasty stuff i let everyone know i could smell that..nobody told me if i pooped or not..once my sons head came out i didnt have to stop and the midwife suctioned his mouth,lungs out she said maconium? baby poop) i still think i smelled my poop noboy would tell me? anyone else have that happen? would it have been my sons poop or really mine?

Pregnant Pooper Putter Inner's picture
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Ah, memories. I distinctly remember my wife taking a bodacious crap right in the middle of squeezing out our second. But what's a little poop when you've already got blood and green goo and white goo, and snotty clear goo?

Childbirth is gross, but I laugh at the pansies who can't stand the sight of it. If she can go through all that miserable hell, I can stand there and watch the worst nature can do.

There was this one guy in our Lamaze classes who passed out repeatedly while watching the videos. I bet he was a laugh riot in the delivery room.

Wuss.

Um. Anyway, nobody ever offered my wife an enema.

Annonying Mouse's picture
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Hey, where are you ? its been 7 years since you posted this story and now have you experienced that again ?

for pregnant moms I think you need to drink a lot of vanila milk and take a lot of enema before you do your job :-)

PrincessPoopiesPowderpuffs's picture
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I had my lovely daughter 9 months ago. She's my first,and I am a Very Shameful Shitter. I am so discreet about it that for years, I refused to admit to myself or anybody else that girls poo'd. My own brother swore I was never in the toilet long enough!

Well, that ALL changed when lil ol' me got preggers. I farted, shat, and ate like a sailor. It was an endless stinky cycle, but I only allowed my fiance to experience the wrath of my ass.

In the natural birthing courses that I took, I decided I wanted a water birth and then I was greeted with the possibily of pooping in the water. It was gross, but I came to terms with it. Even so, I was not prepared for what actually happened.

I had to deliver in the hospital, and was given a sedative to help me sleep. I was constipated, and couldn't get up to go to the toilet, and was given a bedpan. I proceeded to shit what my fiance has dubbed 'hamster pebbles' into that bedpan and insisted that he wipe me because the nurse had cold hands. After the c-section, I was wheeled into the recovery room, and a dr came in to speak to me about my birth. I tried to remain digified and attentive, but every five minutes my ass seemed to rebel, and I would fart like a foghorn, punctuating every sentence he made. I was so embarresed, that I would say "Excuse me, I farted." after EVERY single one!

Shite Master's picture
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Wow, that's nothing. I wait about about 3-4 weeks before taking a shite. I go outside, into the woods (faraway) and take a frickin huge shite. They usually are as long as 7 inches and come out in less than 4 seconds. It's not painful like you'd think. My asshole is probably huge lol.. anyway, this week I ate too much pizza.. when I went outside to shite, the shite was hard and when it came out it was like 8 inches and had a lot of blood on it. Stoopid pizza. xD

foulplay's picture
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Did anyone's husband get traumatized by child-birth poop?

browneye's picture
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So many stories, wow.
I have had 3 kids. The pushing part of labor went well. All my kids were out in a matter of 5 minutes. I think with my first I did crap a turd. It's hard to tell really because when you push it's the same as crapping. My husband claims to have not seen any poop. I am sure the nurse's and Dr's have seen it all and laugh their asses off in the staff rooms.

PooPooTigress's picture
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First off, let me just start by saying that I am new. Well sort of. I've been reading stories on here for awhile. Just finally found the time to make a profile. And now going into what I wanted to respond with... Even with this humiliation,I'd still love to have children. Actually had two miscarriages because my body was under too much stress. The last one was due to my mother's fiancee refusing to help me lift a damn dresser. But all the same, even with the losses of the children, I still want kids.
_______
Shit happens...then you need a shovel.

Shit happens...then you need a shovel.

Shitzalotamus's picture
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Oh gosh, I had the opposite problem while I gave birth.
Let me start off by saying that I was induced because my child had passed away in the 5th month of pregnancy. Luckily, she was still small enough not to tear my cooter. I was given morphine since she was already gone so I had the "pleasure" of having as much as I wanted. When my water broke, my fog-hazed mind told me to go to the bathroom. I'm a shameless shitter, but as a kid who pissed her bed until she was 14, I had a phobia of anyone seeing my sheets soaked from my own fluids. In the loo I went, and uh oh. The poop feeling that the nurses warned me about. I held it. The moment I decided to hold it, I began the glorious process of projectile vomiting McDonalds mnm mcflurry all over the pristine room.
Then I shat myself and was scolded by the nurse. Needless to say, It was definitely a night of "Just kick me while I'm down, why don't you?"
My husband and I are going to try for another child once he returns from his deployment. I'll get back to you when I'm in the labor room. Maybe give a play-by-play of B.M's (if any). ;)

sophie's picture
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i have 1 baby and when i was in labor i thought i was gonna die because it was really painfull and i did poop and my husband wasn't there and when the baby actully came out i was releifed because i didn't have to go through the pain.

Duchess's picture
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Well I first posted to this site in 2003 when I had my first child. I have had 4 children since then. Since this thread is still going strong I thought I would update you.

When I had my first son I had to wait for the doctor to finish up with another patient before I could push out the baby. My son was literally right there at the opening of my vagina. The nurses were letting my mother look at my son's "full head of hair." They had even suited up one of the nurses to catch the baby because they didn't think the doctor would make it. I think I may have pooped because I remember the nurse giving my a disgusted look and feeling myself being wiped. Did I care at this point? They had me holding a baby IN!!! At this point I wanted to poop on every one.

People will often tell women that if they do poop that the hospital staff will just wipe it away, be forgiving, smile, encourage. That is not often so. I know that I pooped with my daughter because the nurses looked at me all disgusted and the OBGYN (a male) wrinkled his nose and said "some one needs to clean this up." Embarrassing. I often wondered why people work in labor and delivery when they are so bothered by this stuff that they have to make comments that make a laboring woman embarrassed. I probably could have done well in nursing school, but if a patient bleeds I'll probably pass out on the floor. People need to think about their employment choices.

One thing people often don't consider is that you can end up pooping yourself during a hard contraction well before the pushing stage. This is another reason why you should really consider who you have in the room with you while you are in active labor. At any time you may poop, pee, or vomit and it doesn't always make it into the basin, bedpan, or toilet. If a hard contraction has taken your breath away you might not have time to ask for the toilet (if they'll even let you up) or a bedpan. Later I had a contraction of all contractions and my body no longer cared whether I was on a toilet, bedpan, or anything and I ended up pooping the bed. There was no time to alert the nursing staff. In my early thirties I had to be cleaned up like a child by the nursing student, the only person I felt acted professional during that highly humiliating experience.

I totally disagree with the enema thing, especially during labor. If you are going to do one I would suggest it a couple of days before you go into labor, but keep in mind your guess may be off. Many women who have an enema end up pooping anyway, so there is the embarrassment of the enema then the embarrassment of pooping during the pushing stage. Plus, do you really want the uncomfort of holding an enema while dealing with contractions?!?! The enema contents may not come out all at one time, so now you are having to make sure you get to the toilet/bedpan on time while dealing with contractions.

A nursing student once told me what she thought of enemas for labor in delivery. She told me a story of a woman who was insisting on an enema even though the staff was telling her it was unnecessary. They finally gave into her wishes. Her labor progress rapidly either while holding the enema or she hadn't expelled it all yet, but it was determined that she was at the point of pushing the baby out. While pushing out baby she is pushing out all of this nasty enema contents. Had she left well enough alone the worse she probably would have done would be a couple of logs at the most. The staff will definately remember you for pushing watery poop everywhere.

And ladies if your boyfriend/husband want to make fun of you for pooping during labor then you can remind him (especially if he is making fun of you in public) of all the things that go on during THEIR medical exams. I think I would be embarrassed enough to move out of town if the doctor was giving my genitals an exam and I came with the doctor looking at me. And their prostate exams! OMG! Guys have NO ROOM to talk!

K.'s picture
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Lala land, you're awesome! I hope to have a husband like you standing beside me should I ever bring a child into the world. :D

Deal with it!'s picture
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Duchess! I can't believe the doctor and nurses were so unkind to you! When I give birth, the only people I want in the room are women who have given birth before. Including the OB/GYN. I just find it appalling that the doctor who delivered for you had never heard of women pooping during labor. Get over it already! Men should not deliver babies. Stick to what you know.

Chaser's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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WOW! I was wondering if you were gonna end up having diarrhea all over the baby or something, but no, FARTS ARE GLORIOUS!

_______
I have a thunderful ass.

I have a thunderful ass.

Brown Eye Girl's picture
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Oh this brings back memories. Unlike the poster, I had no shame. I requested an enema on arrival, but a ton of people showed up before the nurse came back. Trying to be discreet, she whispered, "It's time for your...procedure." Terrified, I asked, "What 'procedure'?" She practically mouthed, "Your enema." I laughed out loud and announced to the room that they would have to clear out because I was about to.
Also, after the epidural, I was lying there for several hours and at one point someone ripped a huge fart. I looked around the room to see who it was, but everyone was looking at me. I was like, "Was that ME?" and started cracking up, which made me fart more, which made me laugh and fart more. It was pretty great.

mumtobe's picture
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I cannot believe that all of you people are talking like this, it's disgusting have a bit of dignity please. I'm from England and the word "poop" sounds so stupid. Some of you have been talking about "pooping" and farting and having big fat poops, what on earth is wrong with you, you're talking like you are about 5 years old. Yes, it may be the case that you pass a bowel movement when you give birth but please have a bit more dignity and talk about it with a little more maturity.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear mumtobe, It may surprise you to know that some of our best contributors are from the United Kingdom. They hold their pinkies properly while enjoying tea and crumpets but when it comes to trash talking they are just as crude as we over here in the colonies.

In closing I should like to say; poop, poop, poop, poop, and poop. Now excuse me while I go fart.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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On the subject of the English,where has El Scumbag been lately? I happen to be a fan of his work...er,stories.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Mr And Mrs Anonymous Coward's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Mrs Anonymous Coward: I gave birth in the "natural" position. I did not get any tears but I did utterly shit myself, although that was probably because of my love of spicy food and beer, my weak bowels and the fact that I was only 18 at the time.

Mr Anonymous Coward: I can vouch for this. Thankfully she is the one who clears up her messes (this was NOT the only time). Ah, well, no one is perfect, and looks-and-personality-wise she really could not be any nicer.

Soft-serve siren's picture
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I knew about the poop. I really thought it wasn't going to be a big deal - I even asked if I should take an enema before and they told me "we're used to it, it's not a big thing".

they were so.very.wrong.

I don't really understand how it was physically possible for me to have that much in me. They had to change that mat so many times before the baby was out! I felt like a freaking soft serve machine.

now, I warn all pregnant women never to utilize the spicy food method of inducing labor. yowzah!

webpoop's picture
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Now this will blow any childbirth poop stories out of the water;
My birth was special in many ways; My parents lost a son before me and so I was very wanted, this however did nothing to encourage me to leave the womb, I was born two weeks late. My mother was rushed to hospital where she endured the struggle of giving birth to an oversized, overweight baby, thank god I wasn't her first. She pooped. simple as that. The nurse was very kind and understanding of the pain my mother was in and hence not giving a shit where the shit went. My father, nervous, slightly high from stealing some of my mom's oxygen pointed and laughed several times at the small turds popping forth exclaiming "Maltesers!"
Now we haven't gotten to the good part yet, bear with me, the moment of truth approaches...
"Here he comes!.....woah..."
My mother had shat again, yet this was a turd unlike the others it was deformed, huge and marbled with strange colours, so large the doctor had to grab it with his bare hands to prise it out. That turd was me.
I mentioned I was two weeks late? Well when children are born late there's a small chance that the first poop of their lives the "meconium" a black and brown tar-like substance will take place inside you.
I kid you not, when I was born I was covered in it, Shit smeared from head to toe, it was in my ears, my eyes, mouth, in short any and every orifice available. I was rushed off to special care and cleaned up, monitered for several days before I could be allowed to go home.
I was born in shit, I just hope I won't die in it...

Duchess's picture
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Soft serve siren:

You are SO RIGHT about not doing the spicy food to induce labor. I would not recommend it at ALL. I have heard HORROR stories about that method to bring about labor. Not only will you have a BM during laboring or pushing but it is more likely to be the kind that makes everyone in the room gag even when they are trying to be supportive. EMBARRASSING!

Anonymous's picture
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Im 4 weeks pregnant and 19. Im terrified that im going to poop during labor. Ive already decided that there will be no one in the room but me just in case.

Anonymous's picture
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wow...reading some of these comments made me smile, at how much I DO know compared to those who've commented before. BMs are extremely normal and common when giving birth, no matter what..and tearing...well, yes you may tear (even if you are cut) because of all the pressure. I've never heard of a Dr being disgusted by anything that happens on the table, if so they need to leave the profession... and husbands/boyfriends who want to also be grossed out should probably grow up a bit. I am about to give birth to my first child, and while I'm extremely nervous I also know that my husband, and Dr are supportive enough to at least try to help me feel a little better..even if I poo on the table..which, is my luck, it will happen!

Anonymous's picture
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not true, actually. You are discouraged from not eating before going into labor, you need the energy and even if you "empty" out right before delivery, odds are you aren't completely empty and will on the table...and who gets an enema anymore? I think that's an old tradition that is strongly advised against nowadays.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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You plan on delivering the baby all alone? Brave girl!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Whether or not you do an enema before delivery will depend on whether you want your BM to plop out or spray out. BMs are quite normal and doctors and nurses will not be disgusted. My RN daughter used to work in OB-Gyn and tells me she has seen this occur many times.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture
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I am never having a baby! I wouldn't mind the pooping but, I don't want my vagina to tear and someone to sew stitches into it!

Anonymous's picture
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I have seen childbirth twice, of my two daughters, and I can't tell you if there was poop, nor could my wife.
What I can tell you is that there was something like a fold of cloth that would collect anything that came out so you can't even see it, and at least one nurse keeping everything clean of blood, amniotic fluid or anything else.
Anyway, when you're in labor your priorities will probably change. Good luck!

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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Mrs. Schitt just had our second child a few hours ago. She is happy to report no poo during either birth. I was actually expecting it this time since she tried to go only hours before to no avail.

Anonymous's picture
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Damn guys are rude I'd never make fun of my girl wow -im a guy obviously- Why don't these women break up with their man lol or talk?

Anonymous's picture
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You Americans are hilarious prudes. Considering the mechanics of a female during labour and the size of the child, you should have a bowel movement. There is an exception though; if your sigmoid colon ( 9 to 12 inch) is completely empty.

Anonymous's picture
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Man I took biggest dump of my life yesterday :) 15 inches! I know right, bitchez make a line

Anonymous's picture
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Wow, I think I just tinkled a little. Do you consider your self lucky? They say it's good luck when you step in shit. :] You're basically covered with it.

Anonymous's picture
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I had my daughter at 16 & didn't shit during labor!

Anonymous's picture
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Like Forest Gump said, Sh*t happens. So to babies!