Bringing Out Baby

// // 567 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was surprised when I came to PoopReport to see that there were no entries about childbirth pooping. Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

So yes, I too pooped during those final hours of labor. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, what happened to me was far more embarrassing than squeezing out a few doo-doo droppings on my OBGYN.

It was my first baby and I opted for the epidural -- the injection that numbs you from the waist down. And as many of you might know, when you are numb from the waist down, that includes ALL of your muscles. As a result of this numbness, I was unable to control any gas that needed to exit, and ended up ripping LOUD (I mean LOUD) farts left and right. They seemed to be coming every three seconds.

Mind you, I have never been a farter or a Shameless pooper. I've never had any trouble with my bowels; I rarely fart, and I NEVER farted in front of other people -- even my own family and my husband of six years. But on that day it all changed.

I eventually told the nurse I didn't want any guests, and to only disturb me when absolutely needed. I was so embarrassed by my out-of-control gas. I desperately wished I had that fart device depicted on SNL once -- the one that plugs up your ass and makes verbal, robot-like conversation every time you break wind. Instead, I ended up wedging a towel in between my cheeks to muffle the sound. It worked. I lay there, numb as can be, farting in blissful silence, and no one could tell.

I implore everyone here to ask your own mothers about their childbirth stories. I'm sure there are some good ones.

-- MommyPoo

567 Comments on "Bringing Out Baby"

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Good moniker, there, Splash.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Okay, for the record, I did NOT poop when Gordon was born. I know this for a fact. It is possible to not poop while having a baby!

And it's possible to give birth without needing pain killers, induced labor, IVs, or an episiotomy, too. I have now done all of this.


_______
"That was a very disappointing party. I showed up and everyone left!"- Camille

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Betty Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

volcano, that's amazing.
if/when i have kids, i wouldn't mind doing what my mom did and get completely knocked out. but i don't think they do that anymore.
you don't poo when you have a c-section, do you?

_______
poop poop eee doop!

poop poop eee doop!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I went into the hospital rolling up my sleeves and slapping my veins.

mamaothayear's picture

i would have loved to of crapped all over the dr.'s, nurses, husband, mother-in-law, ect. I did not get to have my bm until 4 days after giving birth. And I was taking stool softners before my labor (it was planned), and finally resorted to laxitaves after my beautiful baby girl was born. So much back-up..-shudder-. the post-delivary poop hurt so much more than birth. I think it was even bigger, felt like it anyway. Yes, the episiotomy didn't help, but...damn. I was in the bathroom screaming, crying, stomping, it wasn't right. Women, fiber is your friend. Espically if your like me and don't see the cheeseburger you ate for lunch for a week. Phyllum husk is awesome.

po0pymcbungbung's picture

aw, jeez pooping during childbirth is something quickly forgotten. i did poop during my one labor for my almost 4 yr old son. he's a little shit and i love him to death. first thing he did for me was take a big ol dump in my baby house, they had broke my water and it was green. so i shat, he shat, we both shat. i'm sure daddy was pleased to be standing by my head. good buddy (who stayed because i begged her to) saw the whole show, front row seats...and now she gonna be a nurse! see, labor poop gets people places.

captain's picture

im in early labor just waisting time before i really have to go into the hospital. i of course was looking for a way not to poop. sitting at home bored as hell waiting for my time to shine. i really don't care if i poop but my best friend (who is a boy) will be in the room for me as my coach. I guess he will have to deal with it if i do and we can laugh (or never tell a soul) about it after. Thanks for all the laughs this page has brought!

captain's picture

ok so i had my baby! she was perfect even though i went through 40 hours of labor, nearly 2 of it pushing, and ending in a c section. anyways...i didnt poop! i thought i was. i felt like i was but i didnt. i was glad but honestly at that point you don't even care. you just want that baby out of you! and all you ladies out there that want a c section to keep your na na nice and tight....its not worth it...the healing from the c section is a nightmare!

starmommy's picture

im a mother of 2 and expecting my third in 4 wks. i didnt know about the poop factor and now in addition to my fears of droping dead during delivery (dont know why im having them with the third) i have to worry about not pooping on the nice doctor lady! just found about this today so i visited this sight and lmao for 3 hours, so while my horror is still present, thank u ladies for easing the trama with humor!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

Yep, ladies, I can totally agree with captain. Having a c-section really sucks when recovery time takes so long. We're expecting baby #2 (hehehe) next spring and hoping to go "naturally" this time. Our son was born early and was breach so after a very quick labor I had an even quicker c-section when the doc finally got to the hospital and discovered the situation. Hoping NOT to repeat that!


_______
White Castle: Eat em by the stack, shoot em out the back!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

I read this and I'm sitting here shaking in fear and horror. I always heard about "the miracle of birth" til our kids were born. Miracle my ass - I'd rather watch a slasher film marathon anyday. I kept looking at my poor wife and thinking, "this is all my fault, I'm such a piece of shit. I'll never have sex..." Thank goodness I snapped out of it before I completed that thought. Seriously, I ain't man enough to be a woman. I thank God everyday for that Y chromosome. My respect to all the ladies who have had kids.

Ready to Squeeze's picture

I am getting ready ti have my first baby and am exited. I am glad that my husband doesn't want to watch him come out and wants to stand by my bedside. I am more afraid of ripping than of pooping. So, does an enema keep you from pooping or does it just make you more runny? I have heard both and want to know what the best route is to take. I don't want to have to ask a nurse to stick a finger in my ass.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Thanks, Anamalous!

Captain, I see I am not the only one who posted on PR while in labor. I'm glad everything turned out okay for you.

Fortunately for me, I didn't need a C-section. Having a giant ass comes in handy sometimes. Plus, Gordon was tiny, only around six pounds. Fortunately, he's perfectly healthy and has gotten to the age where he can be annoyingly demanding.

_______
I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Nate Dawg's picture

What are you people talking about. I would LOVE to go have a bunch of people WILLINGLY stare at my azzhole, violently poop all over the table, then have someone else clean it up!

That would be so funny. And fun.

You women need to stop caring about so much stupid crap. Pooping is good. It would be even better if it was squirting out everywhere, and made a huge mess!

Nate Dawg's picture

By the way, if you have never POOPED OR FARTED in front of your husband/boyfriend...why the hell are you having a kid together.

The most funny thing is to be able to have a farting contest openly with your lover.

Emma-poo's picture

I am due in February with our first, and was very happily naive to this childbirth poo until now. I am now scared shitless... and hope to remain that way until after my daughter is born. If I poop, I hope they lie to me about it. I just now got over the weekly violation by the OB.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I actually never had that problem while giving birth, or any gas for that matter. It might be because after my epidural i was only numb on ONE side of my body, so i could basicially control everything. I was terrified i'd pop out a poop while trying to push out my son. A story that would surely be told to him when he grew older by my boyfriend. I was so relieved nothing like that happend! I'm sure i'll be cursed during my next birth and i'll have a brown explosion everywhere!

studentdoc's picture

This is in response to mommypoop's comment regarding episiotomy,
quote "Tydiriu -- some women tear but most women are cut first to avoid the tear. It doesn't really make sense, but the medical profession does it anyway (like many other things). When you get pregnant make sure to massage your perineal area and tell your doc you don't want an episiotomy"

My response: I happen to be currently studying that area. First i'd like to say i hate it when the public make comments like that regarding the medical profession, yet we're the first u run to when things go wrong.
2. The reason episiotomy is performed is primarily preventative. It is indicated when the descent of the baby is arrested or when the baby is in distress.Episiotomy i primarily cutting the muscles while controlling the direction of the incision and "tear" as opposed to letting the muscles rip on their own in whatever direction. The danger of letting it rip on its own is the risk of prolonged incontinence if it rips all the way to your anus and depending on the direction of tear, the healing time frame is different so it's a matter of weighing the risks, control the tear or leave it to chance and suffer the consequences good or bad.
Also if your baby is in distress or not descending, i think an episiotomy is a worthy price to pay to get him/her delivered safely in time
There you have it.

Tracuh's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Speaking of babies and poop, I was shit on when I was born. My first picture I'm covered in shit because my mother pooped on me while giving birth to me lol

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

It could have been your OWN poop, you know. Meconium. Baby's first bowel movement. Happens all the time.

Anonymous Coward's picture

im scared..im only 15 and due next month i dont want to poop on myself..do they give u anything to prevent that?

Poopy person :)'s picture

Giving birth is just as natural a bodily function as taking a dump. I say it's a time to shut up all your hubbies/bf's and out do every single time they dragged you into the bathroom to say "LOOK AT THIS HUGE LOG!"

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 12.11.2006
"im scared..im only 15 and due next month i dont want to poop on myself..do they give u anything to prevent that?

Honestly, kiddo, it just won't matter when you get down to business. TRULY!

You have MUCH bigger issues than poop. Like the fact that you're a kid with a kid. You should be way more scared about that. That, and trying to NOT get pregnant again before you're oh, say, 22 with a diploma and a job.

A husband wouldn't be a bad idea, either, but I realize that's unrealistic in today's world.

Poop is nothin', Mommy! Good luck.

Never Gonna Baby Poop's picture

Jeez! I am SO GLAD that I got my tubes tied at 29 and never had a baby. I hated the idea of giving birth even before I found out that crap comes with it! There is really no reason to give birth anyway until all the homeless orphans in the world get adopted. By then science will have found a much better and less painful/poopful way of producing offspring.

Libby's picture

When I had my first last year I pooped. It wasn't something I expected at all. I did it twice and I was pretty suprised but it didn't really matter you know. It's a totally natural thing and there's nothing wrong with it. Same goes for throwing up. When you're giving birth, you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm 13 weeks in with my second pregnancy and I'm fully expecting it to happen again (better in labour than when pregnant and not in reach of a toilet let me tell you!)

Yep! I poop too!'s picture

That epidoral sure does numb you! I couldn't feel a thing! I remember at one pointing ripping a huge fart. I recall saying "oh... Excuse me!" My midwife did the polite "it's ok". Which to her I'm sure it was nothing. My child was like her 250th baby, so I'm sure she'd seen and heard much worse.



That was just during the contractions stage, I should have known there would be trouble later on. When it was time to push, I was trying to push from my pelvis. Sort of like pushing this child from my vagina. Silly me for thinking that right? The midwife says to me, "No, No! Push like you're having a bowel movment". And LOL I did just that! She was very sly about it and wisked the poo away without ever confirming it happened, but I'm sure it did.



And I must have mastered the push. My kid came out in less that 45 minutes. My husband almost missed her birth because- you guessed it -he went to use the bathroom!

PoopySmurf's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

And this is a rewarding experience HOW?

:D

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

PoopySmurf, I have wondered that many a time, myself, and I have 2 kids. I can only answer for myself, but... this afternoon, I had HAD it, so told GottaMan, "I am going to Home Depot to shop for plants, AND NO ONE IS COMING WITH ME!!!"

GoBoy, 3, came running up, saying, "Wait, Mama, wait!" I groaned, thinking he was going to insist on coming with me.

In his hand, he held the little plastic 3-legged massage thing I use on my shoulder. He said, "Wait, Mama, I have to give you a back 'assage, first!" And he did. Then he said, "Okay, Mama. You can go, now."

I tell you, that moment made it worth it, even if I had shat myself during labor.

Which I didn't.

Master Mistress's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh wow - this discussion is a popular one! As for the farting .. always wear a G-string .. it's a great muffler ... you can rip without fear of being hurt .. whoops, Freudian slip .. I mean heard (just make sure the G isn't too tight or you will actually create a loud 'whhhhhhheeeeeeee!'
As for babies .. while pregnant mine poose turned to marbles ... like sheep .. I guess the baby took all the goodness and there just wasn't a lot.
What is worse when in labour .. is the pusing out of piles .. like exploding sausages inthe frying pan .. I never actually had any but heard horror stories from my friends. Enemas in the early stage of labour are the only way to go.

Anonymous Mother's picture

I have had three children and have NOT pooped on the delivery table for any of them.

I have a system which inclines towards constipation anyway, and so normally there has to be a degree of attention paid to fiber intake, fluid intake, etc. This became worse when I was on prenatal vitamins and my thyroid decided to quit. I had a diet that was so very high in shit-softening and inducing things that when the very first intermittent cramps hit, I had diarrhea. It cleaned me OUT, but on my own toilet, and I had the baby without worries about shitting myself. I was glad for the stool softener the following day, though. I felt like I'd been whacked between the legs with a baseball bat.

Shower Any One?'s picture

This is hilarious. I never knew such a website existed. I don't recall pooping on the delivery table while giving birth to my kids, BUT... the first time the nurse said "bear down and push.." I did... but my bladder must have been full b/c I peed all over her. I don't mean just a trickle... I mean like someone pumping up a water gun and with incredible force spraying pee for a good 2-4 feet!

GranniePanties's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

Oh god.

GranniePanties's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The more I read the less I want children. Pooing yourself. Tearing your pussy. Backaches. Cramps. Food cravings. Morning sickness. Mood swings. Bloating. The conception is gross enough, and after all that work, what do you get? A baby! Wow. What a reward. Changing diapers. Up every two hours. Spit-up. Attitude. I am single and loving it.

Don't forget the hugeness. You have to walk around with your great belly knocking people out of the way, especially if you're like me and are in your almost 9th month. I knocked hubby down the stairs just this morning.

GranniePanties's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is hilarious. I never knew such a website existed. I don't recall pooping on the delivery table while giving birth to my kids, BUT... the first time the nurse said "bear down and push.." I did... but my bladder must have been full b/c I peed all over her. I don't mean just a trickle... I mean like someone pumping up a water gun and with incredible force spraying pee for a good 2-4 feet!

OMG! I am going to crap and pee as much as I can the second I go into labor.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

No doubt about it: Pregnancy is NOT for wimps.

But it's a piece of CAKE compared to parenting.

Buckle your seatbelt.

3 months preg's picture

I'm scared now. Scared to give birth with the fear of shitting on the doctor. Damn, I'm thinkin' C-Section. I'll still have my tight little pussy with no fear of shitting. Sounds like a plan!

btchboyer's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh, what memories. I was in labor for 24 hours with my second child. I was tired, hungry and (no pun intended) didn't give a shit. It just so happened, when the time came to finally give birth there was a group of student nurses passing through..about 8-10 of them, the doctor asked if they could stay. I was so ready to get it over, I said "I don't care!"

So here I am with my childs father, my mother, 2 of my aunts and a bunch of people I've never seen before. Needless to say, I was pushing with everything I had in me. I had a funny feeling. I asked my sons father, as he was standing at my feet, "Did I poop?" The look on his face was indescribable as he said... "Yep!"

I'm sure as I am telling this story, they are somewhere in the world telling it too.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

"Yep!" Hahahahah!

Well, he could have said worse!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Ya'll think that's embarrassing? I've not given birth yet, but...I had surgery a couple years ago for my appendix removed. I had to stay in the hospital for about 2 weeks. I would not even pee in a bed pan let alone poo. So, being a trooper I got up 3 hours after very hard surgery to pee. Next day, (and mind you - havin' your mum bath you for 2 weeks is bad enough) but my mum had to wipe me arse everytime I did a dookie. I was not able to reach around meself. How embarrassing is all this? Not to mention, I had a roomate in my hospital room.

Stripper Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Uh. What is all this talk about things ripping and tearing? Forgive my ignorance, but. Uh. Why would things rip just because you had a baby? Or like, why are you constipated after the labor poop? Are you guys saying that you can like... pop your c-section stitches or something or is it like, an anal tear or what do you ladies mean exactly? I don't know if I can get pregnant (my boyfriend and I are serious potheads) but that's too scarey to stop thinking about anyway. Labor poops are funny but imagine how the baby must feel being down there in a sea of shit. ;)
_______
Strippers Poop Too!

Strippers Poop Too!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Okay, if you're a pothead, that probably should be higher on your list of things to deal with, above childbirth.

That being said, giving birth is like pooping out a watermelon, only (duh) it comes out somewhere else.

If you want to hear battle stories, just go to the park and sit near some mommies with strollers. Sooner or later, women always start comparing delivery stories.
_______
Hey! Don't touch my wenis!

Stripper Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

If I get pregnant, I'll just smoke using a vaporizor. ;) Lots of my coworkers are moms, so I've heard some stories, it's just this whole tearing issue that's freaking me out. What tears, and why? Besides, only the crackheads and homeless people go to parks near my house. :/
_______
Strippers Poop Too!

Strippers Poop Too!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

(*sigh*) Educating the masses, am I? Alright.

What tears? Well, you know that area between your vagina and your butthole? THAT'S what tears, girlfriend. Wrap your mind around THAT.

However, steps can be taken to avoid this, even if it's the step taken of cutting you down there BEFORE a tear occurs. My OB did a "controversial" diagonal cut, which he was championing as giving better access, leaving less damage, and healing cleaner. He was right!

I had very little of the discomfort associated with a traditional episiotomy, which is what that procedure is called. Sure, it hurt, but nothing compared to what some other women have described to me. So the tearing issue is not that big a deal, trust me. It heals; it was meant to repair itself.

Now, then. I am SO going to regret asking this, but WHY do you think that smoking ANYTHING with a vaporizer makes any DIFFERENCE?!? Gah!

Forgive me for saying so, but if you get pregnant and continue to smoke ANYTHING, I think it would be a perfect example of a fucking idiot. Literally. Just don't do it.

_______
Hey! Don't touch my wenis!

Stripper Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh my fucking goodness dogg, that's horrible. I never knew that happened! Isn't there already enough bullshit that comes along with childbirth? Now ya'll gotta throw this in the mix. But I guess I'll take your word for it if it's not THAT serious. I don't see how that ... part .. ripping can be just a thang to anyone! Well, anyway GGGirl I was just joking, of course if I get pregnant I'd clearly have an abortion. No one is going to pay me if I get all fat and knocked up (haha)so it doesn't make a difference about the vaporizor really, you read way too far into that one. Lol go buy a vaporizor and smoke some weed out of it, miss lady, you'll forget about what we were just talking about.
_______
Strippers Poop Too!

Strippers Poop Too!

browntorpedo's picture

love the stories! i dont feel scared or freaked out by any of it - if anything, i feel strangely comforted. im not embarassed about shitting or farting - its my obsession with shit that brought me to this site! fair play to you all - ill be sure to regale you all with my sorry tale of woe when i pop my sprog

Big Female Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Good information to know. I'll be looking forward to that.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Okay, here's an issue I cant find anything about! It's been about a year and a half since I've given birth and my asshole is just all messed up. I feel like it's popping out. I had hemmorhoids afterwards but was able to stop using tucks after about 2 weeks. The ass should be back to normal, no? It's embarrassing and I wont let my husband get anywhere near the monster butthole now. Does anyone else have this problem and is there some way to fix it?? Help!! :) (And NO I DIDN'T POOP during childbirth!) haha

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

This sounds like a job for Motherload!

Oh, and StripperP? We're just going to have to agree to disagree on some stuff, but it's okay with me if it's okay with you.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

I've just spent way too much time reading up on some comments I've missed in the past few months about this topic. On May 6th I delivered lil' shitwit #2 au naturel. Very naturally!!! Quick labor. Painful, perhaps, but quick. I shit several times at home before finally going to the hospital (I was also not entirely convinced I was even IN labor) so I didn't have much shit left in me when it came time to push. But I did poop out a little bit. The worse thing that happened (besides rippin a little bit) was that my bunghole turned inside out! Seriously! It's still fuct up! My ass trumpet is now an inch longer and farting just isn't the same. I've got to be very careful not to push on a fart or a turd too hard. I'd love to tuck it back in and have it stay put, but I'm afraid it will need to take its time returning to normal, or I'll have to see a proctologist to have it pushed back in. My husband described the midwife as "pushing the reset button every time you pushed". She held a washcloth over my asshole and pushed against it with her thumb. I suppose if she didn't do that the damage could have been even worse.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

shitwit (235) -- 05.24.2007
"I've just spent way too much time reading up on some comments I've missed in the past few months ..."

N.S.T.

No Such Thing.

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