Ouch!!! Where can I get this stuff??

I always thought a "liquid diet" was a beer only diet. Wow, it's a real diet huh? A beer only diet most certainly does not produce odorless neutral patties though. Just the opposite--I think we all know what I'm talking about. Anyways, what color are your loafs? I am picturing something about the color of a McDonalds chocolate milkshake (creamy pale brown). Man, I'd ask the Doc exactly what is in those things. I might go on to describe my (your) odorless no-fun poos also just for a kick--with a totally serious face, of course. Use the chummy voice and make sure he gets an earfull. Good luck with your diet...hope it's worth sacrificing a good old fashioned nasty, smelly dump for!

Wow... Why do you have to be on a liquid diet? Surely you could excersize it off? Possibly go on one of those Atkins diets? Eat cheerios?

If not, I would suggest - note AFTER you've finished - dumping that doctor after telling him your tales.

Maybe you could 'cheat' on your doctor and get a second opinion?

Just some thoughts.

I'd like to know what shakes you're drinkin. I'm a sturdy built 295 fatass, though I don't look that heavy.

I recently dropped a solid log in the toilet after fasting for a day, though. It was tough as a rock and I almost didn't even have to wipe. Maybe I should just go on the Ethiopia diet and not eat anything.

I hate recycled forum stories on the front page.

Yes this is a good story and it needs to be enjoyed by the masses, but after a hard day at work (where PoopReport is blocked from my computer because it is considered "offensive material") I look forward to a new good story.

I was let down with a rerun.

PoopReport still rules though and is the best site on the Net!!

There goes Doniker again condescending to the "masses." No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read anything. So get a life, loser, and stop bitching!

"people who fear gravity the way Toronto tourists fear a coughing Chinaman"

Great line!

Big Dumper, mastercrapper has penned some of the best lines and phrases on this site so many times, it's impossible to count. Little wonder he was Poop Reporter of the Year in 2002!

Oops! I guess I meant the above response to gman, but, since I typed in Big Dumper....hi, there, BD, how's it goin'?

Scentless shit is yet another mystery of mankind--I've had it before, and I sympathize with your pain.

Master, the problem with these liquid diets is that they do help people shed poundage, but you dont learn all the skills needed to learn eating patterns that will be enjoyable for the rest of your life.

Key to weight loss isnt 'diet' but 'how-to-live-in-such-a-way-as- to-change-my-body-composition-and -keep-the-weight-off.

My urgent suggestion is go to the public library and see if they subscribe to Men's Health Magazine. If they do (and they'd better, because MH is a great magazine), get out a notebook and pencil and sit down with a big stack of the MH back issues. They have great info on:

1) how to start and maintain an exercise program (ESSENTIAL if you wanna keep the weight off)

2) How to reduce fat and carb calories in food and still have it taste great.

3) Dietary traps for the unwary--what party foods and fast food options to go for and which ones to avoid

If you get a good combo of diet and exercise, it should give you a boost to your mood and your energy even BEFORE you start losing weight. Something that makes you feel good will be its own reward. (Am saying this having lost 24 pounds 4 years ago and kept it off ever since.)

STuff to do:

If you crave fat, you may be deficient in omega-3 fatty acids. These are essential nutrients and the US diet has become progressively deficient in them over the past 25 years. THey also shift blood fat in a healthy direction and some people with depression benefit from them too. If you're on blood thinners, chack with your doctor. Take 3 capsules of fish oil per day.

Avoid hydrogenated fats (aka transfats)--they are artificial products and the human body is not designed to metabolize them. They fuck up blood lipids even worse than natural saturated fats like lard and butter. Trans fats lurk in prepared/packaged foods and in fried fast foods and snack foods. Avoid at all costs

The April issue of Men's Health mag had an article on high fructose corn syrup (HCS). This stuff has only been in the nation's food suppply for the past 20 years and it is sneaky. Unlike sucrose (table sugar) HFCS contains fructose, a sugar metabolized differently than most sugars. Fructose does not trigger an insulin surge, so it doesnt trigger the nerve pathways that cause you to feel 'full.' That means that if you eat something sweetened by HFSC, you can consume mega calories without feeling stuffed. On go the pounds. HFCS is cheap because its made from a corn by product, and US farmers produce lots of corn--gotta dump it somewhere. HFCS is in sodas, candies, sweet yogurt and----ICE CREAM.

The Men's Health article recommends that you read labels and if an item has 8 grams or more of carbohydrate and 'high fructose corn syrup' is listed at the top or close to the top of the ingredients--dont eat it.

Other Things to do:

What olive oil and butter you use should be the very best.

Use cheese as a condiment, rather than the main element in a dish. I sprinkle a tablespoon of feta or Parmasan on my sunny side up eggs, rather than salt.

If you're going to eat eggs, look for brands that are marked as high in omega-3 fats. Gold Circle is one such brand. The eggs taste fantastic.

If you are going to eat some wonderful, evil sweets, dont eat shit with hyrdogenated fat or HFSC. Go for a French pastry made by someone who cooks with butter.

I survive as a baker because I only make a dessert if I know its going to be shared--immediately.

Stevia is an herbal extract that is sweet. The liquid form is easier to use than the powder. Its a godsend if you like a hot sweetened beverage, or if you make your own sweetened yogurt as I do. (Add stevia to the yogurt to taste, along with some vanilla extract. Tastes better than the glop they sell in the store, and you dont get the high fructose corn syrup.

Learned the hard way that I cannot keep certain goodies in the house so I dont.

I like hot chocolate so I make my own with good powdred cocoa (fat free) coffee, and half 1% milk and half water. I sweeten it with some drops of stevia, an herbal extract that is super sweet.

Burritos can be a godsend if you want fast food. (dont know if they have burrito options in Boston--in California, its no problem.) What I do is order the burrito with boiled beans (not refried-refried beans have fat) grilled meat, NO rice, and my choice of salsa. No cheese. no sour cream. This reduces both the fat content and carb content of the burrito.

Portion control: carry a baggie or container with you at all times. You can eat half of your burrito (or other food item) then put the rest of it away for a late afternoon snack.)

Sneak your own healthy snacks into the movies or sports stadium. That way, you can avoid the supersized, transfat/HFCS laden shit they will peddle to you at inflated prices. THat way you dont have to stand in line at food stands--another plus.

Walk everywhere. Integrate physical effort into your daily life. For weight loss a combo of weight bearing exercise and aerobic exercise is best. Dont kill yourself. Do it to the point where you feel pleasently tired but energized. If you hammer yourself into the ground, you'll hate the exercise and give up on it.

Get a heart rate monitor if you go to the gym. Its the only way to know if you're working out too hard or not hard enough. Heart rate monitors changed my life. And the basic ones are cheap now--Polar Beat model is just 50 bucks or so. I see people at my gym faithfully working out and often their bodies dont change. They are not using heart rate monitors.

You will make mistakes. Dont beat on yourself. Get curious and act like a detective. Trace all the steps and emotions that preceded a binge. THats how you find out what your triggers are.

Give yourself some treats on a predictable basis. If you are craving something on Monday, knowing that you have a date to try a fantastic almond torte at your favorite Viennese bakery will help you resist temptation.

Finally our culture will be your enemy. The corporations and the advertising media are bombarding you with seductive images of unhealthy food. Most of the choices in the market and restaurants are unhealthy. You're constantly being tricked and conned into ordering supersized portions. You have the mighty task of becoming free and conscious in relation to a fucked up culture that is trying to trance you out into feeding yourself crappy food.

Only thing that saved me was knowing diabetes ran in my family. Other things I do is just write off huge catagories of food. I hated Macdonalds so I never eat fast food hamburgers or hot dogs. Soda pop always made me feel bloated so I never developed a taste for it. I dont eat chips or popcorn.

The way to avoid feeling deprive is, 'How do I select and organize my daily pleasures so that they add up to a lifestyle that supports weight loss and boosts my energy?' Thats all you're doing--discovering a different set of pleasures.

I was a couch potato until my 20s and discovered daily walks by accident. Felt good, kept doing it. Losing weight was a fringe benefit.

At 36 I learned to ride a bicycle and felt alive in a way I never had imagined. Turned into a jock. And I boosted my good cholesterol 29 points.

Pooperscooper, thank you for that information. It was very informative. Hope others enjoyed it as well. I'm going out to get fish oil capsules today....

Di--another good way to get Omega-3 oils into your system is to eat lots of salmon, tuna and other ocean fish. Fortunately, I love the above-mentioned and prepare them both a home and order them out a lot. Grilled salmon and tuna are my main source of protein these days.

to Big Dumper...I may be a bitch, but it's better than what you do: sit in front of your computer and wait for me to say something so you can insult me. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but I am flattered that you secretly idolize me so.

Thanks!!

Man oh man, I really don't understand all of the intellectual mombo jumo and rambling that went on above regarding diet and bowel movements. All I know is everything I eat turns to shit and some of it funny enough to write about! Enough lectureing get on with the laughter man!!!!!

Guys, forgive my longwindedness. (If I could produce turds as long as my sentences I would be a happy gal)

I enjoy Mastercrapper's writing and want him to stay healthy and happy so he can keep us laughing for decades to come. Early onset heart disease is miserable. My dad died at home from heart disease, almost before my eyes. He suffered years of chest pain prior to that, and had a jungle of pill bottles on his dresser. I dont want to see that happen to any of us.

Thing to do is fight our shit shaming culture so we can enjoy both pooping and talking about poop. And fight that same culture when it tries to trance us into eating nasty-ass shit food all day long that can only make millionaires rich while making us old before our time.

Good food on the table, good poops on the pot. Let that be our motto!

Dude, I feel sorry for you!! That must hurt like a bitch. Good job on those nine pounds though. =)

I certainly would not recommend a completely liquid diet for weight loss. I would recommend a diet low in simple sugars and corn syrup, as well as the consumption of plenty of water. I also would highly recommend physical activity in the form of exercise. I have come to the conclusion that for weight loss to be maintained, the diet must be accompanied by exercise. As for the lack of scent in your stool, it indicates to me that your bacterial flora is possibly adversely affected by the liquid diet. You might consider eating yogurt to replenish your normal colonic flora or take an acidophilus supplement pill.

Two other things that can help:

'Front load' your calories. That means you eat a big breakfast, a moderate lunch, and a light supper. Eating a huge meal before bed means most of what you eat is not burned off in exercise but is immediately stored as fat.

Go for foods that 'stick to the ribs.' For breakfast, old fashioned slow cooked oatmeal is great. (Add some wheat bran for bulk so you can achieve mastercraps.) The reason oatmeal is a dieter's best friend is that its a slowly digested carbohydrate and it satisfies your hunger longer. Two, oatmeal is full of soluable fiber which has been show to lower cholesterol. You want the kind of oatmeal that the Irish eat: you have to presoak it and cook it slowly. Learn to eat it with some good protein like eggs, ham or even a nice chunk of smoked salmon, herring or lox, and you'll have a breakfast that tastes great and will keep your energy steady all day long. Ditch toast, muffins and pancakes except once or twice a week.

Lots of the stuff Americans consider staples were once special occasion/festival food--especially deep fried foods. People did not deep fry stuff at home except on special occasions or only consumed them at fairs--such as doughnuts. Pancakes were also considered treats, rather than staples. As for muffins, a nutritionist once said, 'Muffins are a way to forget that you're eating cake for breakfast.'

And white bread digests quickly and boosts blood sugar rapidly--which promotes fat storage. Our ancestors lived on whole grain breads and only ate white bread on festival occasions or if they were rich. True German pumpernickle and genuine sour whole grain breads are a better choice. As far back as Roman times, they prescribed whole grain breads to help constipated affluent people crap better.

"No inclusions, either -- none of the hairy things or the red things or the corn (oh, yes, the CORN)"

Heehee. Oh yes.. the corn indeed.

I wasnt expecting this story to end with nary a two scentless coils. Strange. When I went on an all liquid fast I shat brown retched water many times daily... Hmm. Musta been the cigarettes I was smoking.

I was into 'fasting' for one summer during high school, basically due to boredom. I wasn't overweight, yet I wasn't in shape, I wanted to to a 'juice' fast because I heard it was good for your system to not have to digest solid food once in a while. So I went over to whole foods (organic food store) and bought a bunch of $5 jugs of 100% juice and started my diet. On about the third day, I had to take a shit... but it wasn't one of those monster 15 inchers you described, instead I shat what I had eaten for the past three days, liquid. All of my shits after three days of drinking vegetable and fruit juice were composed of entirely liquid.

I eventually had to give this diet up because it became harder and harder to hold in my liquid shit, and about three times a day I would experience an "I have to SHIT RIGHT NOW" feeling and then proceed to splatter whatever bowl was within running reach.

Mastercrapper, you are truly a gifted writer. And I'll bet you're a gifted crapper as well. When your next book comes out, I'll spring for hardcover. When your next turd arrives, I'll settle for softcover.

I was on a liquid diet before for about a month which consisted of juices, protein shakes and vitamins. I lost nearly 20 lbs. that one month. Basically i went through what adam said earlier. After three days i crapped whatever solid food i ate days before i started my liquid diet and it was very watery. After about a week I to would always experience the "I have to SHIT RIGHT NOW" feeling. Everytime i thought i had to fart, i actually had to shit my liquidy excrement. If you ever go on a liquid diet watch out for those urges to fart or suffer the smelly, disgusting consequences.

During my second week i cut back on my liquid intake and trained myself to hold in my urges to fart/shit. I was hoping that holding it in longer would force my body to absorb whatever vitamins were left in my juicey waste. Cutting back on the liquids helped alot in my urge to shit all the time. I think i was actually overdoing it cause i was drinking these huge glasses of juice three times a day and a glass of milk. By now, I got used to not eating solid food.

Week three was pretty much the same as week two but i started longing for any kind of solid foods. Fought those urges off by buying a Heavybag and took up boxing. Now i can throw a mean right hook.

By the end of week four my liquid diet paid off but i was getting tired of watery poops so i started eating 100% wheat toast in the morning. Then slowly i gradually added fish, chicken, beef, vegetables back into my diet. After about a week.......Solid poop welcome back!

A liquid diet is a great start to changing your eating habits. You'll definitley lose weight but it takes some time getting used to. Now i only eat once a day. Either wheat toast & cereal in the morning OR whatever i want for lunch but then NO dinner just juice.

I'm 5'8 used to be 200 lbs. but now presently down to 140 lbs. 60 lbs of fat gone bye bye. Now and then i go back on a liquid fast to keep myself feeling light. Just don't eat anything 6hrs before going to sleep cause that's how i got fat. I used to NOT eat breakfast or lunch, i just went straight to work. Then when i got home i'd eat a big dinner cause i was starving after a 10hr work day. Not a good habit.

A compelling report, MC. Where, oh where is Mastercrapper these days?