The funny stories on this site are quite amusing however I believe you've taken writing about poop to an all-new level. I am absolutely amazed that you could a. put so much effort into setting the mood for the daily doody drop, and b. write to let others know about it. My bath light has a dimmer, if you have one or put one in maybe next time you could dim the lights, light a few candles, and sprinkle some rose petals around the bowl. I like to have some reading material but other than that I do not strive for a romantically relaxing dump. Good luck in life, that’s all I can say.

I'm a simple girl, so my wants are simple.
My perfect poops are always at home, the door closed to keep out snooping cats who would distract me from my work. Preferably at the end of a long day, but I'm happy whenever this happens.
I like the turds that have been cooking a bit, the ones you know will be perfect and ultra satisfying by the smell of the farts you drop the half hour before you go.
Grab a book, sit down, lay my chest on my thighs so I can lay the book on the floor, leaving my hands free for quick wiping and putting me in a good squatting position, and deploy the bombs!
Afterwards, I like to lift an ass cheek to admire my work. I like the big, solid turd submarines. Makes me feel like I accomplished something.
The best crap always ends in the "clean wipe", as in you wipe once and see no dooky.
Then flush, wash the hands, stretch, then go about my day!

I too have found my pooping nirvana. I light a candle and grab one of the many cookbooks in my bathroom and start reading. I prefer my feet up on the wall in a reclined (slightly as if in an airliner) position. I also have a small portable TV that I sit on the tubs' edge if something interesting is on.

personally, i like to not poop for days holding it in, then when i can't take the pain any more, let er rip, and its all wirth it in the end, its soo satisfying, u should try it

We all have our own quirks when it comes to the great American pastime. I HAVE to have reading material. I am building a new house and I am having the builder cut in boxes into the wall next to the toilets and he is building custom magazine racks to hold my library of poop reading. I like the line "like the great king I am."

It must be nice to be able to go into your bathroom and take as long as you want/need to lay down a big steamer! I have 3 kids, therefore have no time to myself, including in the john. I would love to sit on the throne and not hear, "Hey mom!" every time.

i have large/hard poops...and i love it. since im only 13, it is so great. when i take the cosby kids to the pool, i usually do it when the shower is on. i love it (again). when i finally settle down on the thrown, i just sit there and let it push itself out (the "perpetual bliss") is absolutely amazing. It's like antagonizing yet perfect at the same time. after that i usually shave and then go jack off in the shower w/some k-y warming liquid. it's the perfect touch to a perfect poop!

i cant believe i found a poop website..... but anyway. many poops suffice, but its never fecal nirvana unless its a no-wiper.. we all know about it, we've all had 'em..... grab a handful of toilet tissue, run it across the crack... no crap..... ahhhhh!

Wow! I cannot believe the serendipity of this day. I get into my hotel room at the end of a long trip, fire up the laptop, cruise to PR and find this seamlessly-written story. Then I suddenly feel the urge, sit myself down on the throne and think about this impressive potty-prose tribute I have just enjoyed. A foot-long, healthy log emerges with ease, a Nirvana-like poop if I've ever had one. And then, with a glow, I recall yesterday's sociable dinner with a client over Kung Pao Chicken Salad and tomato-basil soup. What solid results the day after!

Thanks, Dr. Strangeturd, for providing a major portion of a memorable total experience today.

Does toilet nirvana smell like teen spirit?

Toilet Nirvana is non-existent in my life. I have three dogs and seven cats and they all want to know what's going on in the bathroom. Even if I shut them out it's a problem. One is a Burmese mix with the charactaristic loud voice. He sits at the door yowling until I let him in to inspect the situation.

I sympathize with you, Shit Volcano. My cat is always in the way of a nice, calm poop. He gets very upset when I shut him out of the bathroom during “personal time” and makes his complaints very loud and clear. When I finally let him in though, he loves to admire my masterpieces and watch them go down the pipes with me. Now that’s bonding!

poopmagick said:

Grab a book, sit down, lay my chest on my thighs so I can lay the book on the floor, leaving my hands free for quick wiping and putting me in a good squatting position, and deploy the bombs!

----

how big are them breasts?

got any pictures of them?

please send to

doniker@hotmail.com

Doniker, you are such a perv man... and why've you never asked to see my breasts dammit?

Shit Volcano... 7 cats? That's about as close to hell on earth as I can imagine. Every cat owner I know complains about their cat. I can't imagine that times 7. Horrors!

justa, bring them on baby.

doniker@hotmail.com

Oh my god...now Poop Report is going to be changed to Porn Report. Or something like that. I can see it now! Advertising: Tits of women on the toilet taking a shit! Like tits? Like shit? Well visit this website. lol I have too much time on my hands.

Kung Poo, that's one of the funnier things you've ever said.

jesus. Its been a little while.
I'm not big on criticizing poop stories, for the most part because the lack of sincerity has never gotten in the way of my enjoying a fine piece of poop literature. HOWEVER: I feel that this person is
A. either totally fabricating this whole story, thusly disappointing me greatly, or
B. totally dreamy.

I hate to be led on. i always hope for the best, and I certainly expect such from this website. However, it is entirely possible that this story is real. It just seems too good to be true. SIGH.

I agree with my dad when he says you can never have too many cats... except when I'm taking a shit.
Anyway, like poopmagick says I can always harass them while they're doing the deed. Sometimes I peek in on Blue Mew and ask him if everything's coming out alright. That spoils his own pooping nirvana but he usually gets one of the girl kitties to piss on my pillow as revenge. So I don't do it often.

oh well poopmagick, i can always dream.....

Doniker:
I'm a very perky 36C, and no, you can't see them. :)

I have 5 cats myself, Shit Volcano so I feel your pain.
My cats are usually pretty good about letting me poo in peace, but there are times where they are howling and scratching at the door...I figure if they do it too much, I could always harass them while they take a crap. ;)

Yeah, you have to watch how you retaliate with cats...they'll get you back in ways you never thought possible. My cats like to crap on the carpet if I go out of town for the weekend. It's a step up from them pissing on my bed when I'd leave. ;)

And Doniker...maybe one day. ;)

thank you

Sometime my craps are so messy i have to check my ass in the mirror to make sure i wiped clean

You're poop is awsome

You're a true impressario when it comes to shitting. By properly setting the stage for this routine event, you've given it the full recognition it deserves. Movements can still be cheap source of pleasure, and the highlight of the day for many people. Not sure what else is going on in your life, but I have always admired civilized shitting. I am currently sharing one bathroom so I don't always get to enjoy a nice long "read" whenever I wish nor am I free to smoke. But the bathroom smells great and for that, I am thankful.

I love to eat poop , it is very satisfying and besides dos do it>

Esteemed shit-colleagues, while I wouldn't dare to lecture you on how to shit properly, here're some shit tips that I think are useful: 1) while shitting it's a VERY good idea ("poopmagic" seems to naturally know it) to bend down with your head almost btwn your knees - because that way the kinks in the large intestines (ascending colon--transverse colon AND transverse colon--descending colon) are eliminated - and that way you'll notice that you shit out much more!! 2) when you have problems shitting or if you want to take a shit before you leave the house, but find that you can't unless you have a cup of coffee - do the following: massage (GENTLY! but firmly) the lower right part of your abdomen (above your pelvic bone) - this way you will be stimulating the junction in the colon (cecum) where the "almost shit" matter enters your large intestines from your 6-meter long small intestines - that way you literally mechanically help with shit propulsion (as soon as it enters the colon - that's the last stage of shit processing before you take your big satisfying shit)
Again: do it GENTLY, because the appendix is in that area too (if you didn't have it removed), so if you feel any pain or discomfort with this technique - ABANDON IT immediately. Hope this is good info. Please give feedback - I would like to know if the above works for other ppl as good as it works for me.
Have a good dump

Has anyone else ever logged onto Poop Report and had to take a shit? This site always makes my ass tingle!

this is the coolest site! I am on another forum called toiletstool.com its great!

Can't have poop nirvana at my sister's house either. She just got a new puppy and it always runs in to see what I'm doing. That, or my sister comes in with a bucket of ice and... Well, you get the point. I'd rather crap with my cat yowling at the door.

i like to burn incense and listen to danzig when i poop

Umm, hey, the shit pimp (collector), It's great you should mention that Uhh, that abdomen thing, with the last stage of the Shat, well, One time I was Poopin' and that part of me hurt so much, and after I think. But then it stopped. I thought maybe I had to fart. Hey, my teacher told me that gas is caused from bacteria eating you shat! Thats wierd. Like I always say "Its better to fart and feel the shame, than to hold it in and feel the pain!" Anyway, with that one shat I was talkin bout? Well, I was strugglin with that guy so I was experimenting which position was the best to push it out. For me, I leaned back (I felt it move a lil but when It stopped I switched with my chest to my knees untill it stopped and to the middle. I finally got that baby out! But that one thing in my belly, that never hurt since.

SRy, it was he left side

Hey, no question that ambience counts but aren't we putting the cart before the horse?

I could be squatting over a one-holer it outer mongolia and if I got a dry wipe THAT would be nirvana.

I focus on what counts. The rest is just gravy.

heh, I recognize the problem with pets, but when you have kids it's a totally different story. It never fails as soon as I sit down and get ready to drop trout, my 5 year old daughter will come running to the door and slide her pictures and toys under the door and want to play with me. NO mater how many times I tell her that daddy wants to poo in peace it never fails. :) So my reading material usually consists of her latest rendition of the alphabet or pictures of our family in psychedelic flashback colors. Oh well.. the price I pay I suppose.

I am a single guy, living in a small house on a mountain in Alabama (don't laugh - at least I'm 3 minutes away from the local gormet grocery store and 8 mins away from the mall), and I find that I usually need to start the day with a dump.
The problem is, sometimes that dump can take a while, and if it takes too long, it puts me behind schedule as I must be to work on time - punctuality is king.
I have three or four large stacks of old magazines - mostly OMNI and Science Digest, smattered with some selections of CARtoons Magazine, Gamepro, Newsmax, Future Life (which contained no articles on how people would take dumps in the year 2000..), Starlog (uh huh huh huh...LOG..), Home Theater, Cinescape, etc, etc....so I have a large selection to choose from.
I begin by getting out of bed, removing my ear plugs, and turning off the alarm...then I turn off the window-unit a/c so as to save on my electric bill....then it's off to the crapper.
During the winter, my bathroom is FREEZING, so I must turn on the electric space heater, which is aimed directly at me while I take my position upon the commode...
Then I select my magazine..sometimes it takes a while....and then sit down to crap.
During this time, I revisit yesteryear, when Reagan was President, and it was "awesome" if you owned a VCR....
The first turds then begin to slide out....I let them take their time....plop, plop, fizz, fizz...relief is mine, then I finish whatever paragraph I am reading and begin to wipe.
After I have wiped to the point where I know I won't get any skidmarks, I hit the shower.....I am still groggy as I've only just awakened, and am actually looking forward to being at my desk at work, for that will mean that I've made it through the gauntlet of getting ready for work, and all that traffic (and slow drivers!).
I am able to sit at my desk more comfortably, with my bowels having been vacated and all....ahhhhhh...

I want to take a dump, I want to take a dump,
greasy brown cable, crankin' out of my rump;
Hitting the ground with a SPLAT and then with a THUMP,
I want to take a dump, I want to take a dump.

I want to leave a pile, with a really strong smell,
I want it to have a nasty, stinky smell;
I want people to pinch their noses cuz' it stinks all to hell,
I want to leave a pile with a really strong smell.

I want it to gain more attention than Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam,
Flies buzzing 'round that stinky brown pile, man...;
Aroma hitting people's noses like a slam dunk slam,
I want it to gain more attention than Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.

I want to put it in a bag, and then set it alight,
Have my next-door neighbour stomp on it with fright;
To look upon his soles, only to spot the stinky shite,
I want to put it in a bag, and then set it alight.

They don't allow pets in my apartment, thus making it easier for a nirvana. I could hang out at the crapper for hours, but I like a portable CD player in case I get really bored. I like to just relax and not push too hard. It's more fun that way. I don't care what it looks like. I just flush it. Am I weird? Extremely.

I always just go inside, open the lid, (put toilet paper or seat cover on the seat in public toilets,) put my feet on the seat, use my left hand to open my cheek, have a bladder movement, have a bowel movement, wipe, get off, close the lid, sit down, flush with my right elbow, wash my hands, then exit bathroom/stall.

See above for identity. | When I say "put my feet on the seat", I squat.

wow this is great...so reading this has really sped up my morning process of pooping...
i usually go about three times a day. nice and regular.

Alright, I have to admit, I do have a problem. Shitting; yes, wow, you guessed it. But I don't think anyone has ever experienced the pain that I have. Shitting for me is not a pleasant experience. It is hell. For those of you who grab a nice book or newspaper in with you to the bathroom and enjoy the whole shabang, you my friends, are lucky. I enter with prayers to God, hoping that either He'll make the shit come out, or kill me on the spot. Let's just say God has been on my side so far. My shitting experience just gets better. Surviving the pain, I soon reach behind myself to flush the shit away, however, it won't go down. As if it is laughing at me in an act of defiance, all the water in the toliet goes around it and there it remains. So I grab my coiled companion, the Master Plunger. Sure, it does the job, (breaking up the shit) but sometimes, it just isn't enough. And what happens? Shit water begins to overflow and onto my floor as I frantically try to turn the water valve off. To no avail, shit water goes everywhere. Thus a 5 minute, SIMPLE process for normal people, turns into a complex, half an hour problem for me. I hope you feel bad for me, you should. Next time you take a shit, just think of how lucky you are, and how good you have it.

This is similar to my ritual. I have an ash tray sitting across from the toilet. I place my beer on the edge of the bath tub. Perhaps I should write one of these technique thingies.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://groups.myspace.com/THECHURCHOFPOOP

Can't believe I found this site! What a great site, which I've definitely bookmarked. And to think I found you when I was goggling for...wait for it... popping my elbow joints! Yes, nothing can be further from poop. Yes, sometimes I do wonder what we all did before the Internet came along. I now can't imagine life without it.

There is a 05.26.2004 post here from a gentleman named "The DUMPster." This was not me, although his bathroom habits sound depressingly familiar.

Sir, are you still out there? I see you are also from the Southeast. Maybe we're related.

Dr. StrangeTurd:

I'd like to read more of your contributions. Your story was Zen-like. I believe most of us have rituals to reach that bathroom ohm place. I tried the lotus position once and it didn't work--my turds kept coming out in knots. So now, it's just back to the old slight lean forward, humming a tune thing.

Butt, if you're going to compare yourself to Pablo, you'd better keep a couple of pictures of the painted bowl so we can see!

Like the name, too. Are you any relation to Dr. Feelgood?

I agree, there is much joy to be found in a taking a good crap. I've been known to take long craps, that ended only because my legs fell asleep, due to the lack of circulation, caused by my arms proped on my thighs, in order to hold my car magazine. The worst is when you get really caught up in an article, and start wiping too late. Anybody like a crusty hole? Me sphinks not. The French have a divise called the bidet, which would come in handy, in such an occation. Otherwise, baby wipes will have to do. I also enjoy crapping in public restrooms, when there are a lot of people outside the stall. Courtesy flushes need not apply. I'll dare not spoil a good dump. In the end, the best shits are the ones that are preceded by warm fragrant farts. Those clean your sinuses, like a nose full of chinese mustard. As for wiping material, I've found many brands are just too damn soft. They're like John Wayne, won't take shit offa nobody. I can fill a toilet to the point of cloging, before my ass is free of fecal matter. This just won't do. I find Scotts to be the best. It the bounty towel of toilet paper. Used sparingly, it can be quite effective. However, a word of caution, as excesive use can cause a sore hole, and nobody likes that. Well some might. I've often wondered, why do people say they're taking a shit? Aren't they leaving it? Finally, a little poetry I once read in a public restroom:

Some people come here, to sit and think. . .
I come here, to shit and stink!

Happy crapping!

To Poop well, means to Eat Well. To Eat Well, you have to Poop Well. Let's all be Well and Poop Together. Why can't people jet spray their ass with streaming water that efficiently clean out any stray condemning particles that's left out in cavity hell? Isn't spray-cleaning with water the best idea instead of putting your hands where your ass is? I have a hairy ass, i think spraying jet water is the best idea, than to fumble over toilet paper that never seems to get the job right. Take a shower right after a dump, feels just right. Toilet Nibbana is being to have a slow cigarette smoke, reading The Peak magazine, while creating your own brown pit, and able to wash it straight out with water, and a hot shower after it. Talk about a wank, that tops the icing on the cake. Shalom!

My cat also likes to follow me into the bathroom for some reason, yet I have outsmarted him. I poop early in the morning, before I let him upstairs (he sleeps in the basement rec room). He is pretty good in the bathroom, not much of a pain, just curious about what I am doing, but I digrees.

My pooping nirvana is when the cat is not in the bathroom with me. I like it when I get a distinct urge to poop, and sit down, only to produce an easy slider. Like poopmagic, I also enjoy the large, solid, "submarine turds" the most, especially the wipeless ones.

After one of thesekind of poops, I will admire my creation for a while before I flush. I used to enjoy whatching my old toilet fight to suck down one of these "submarine poo's", and I mean fight. The old toilet had just enough suction to take this type of poop down 60% of the time. I have lost this with my new toilet, which effortlesly, within two seconds, sucks down the largest, most solid submarine poop that I can produce.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

When firing off the ass cannon there is NOTHING like the home toilet advantage. Mine is perfectly clean and my bathroom has the perfect atmosphere in which to drop a dookie. I usually prefer to read my junk mail or shopping circulars to see what is on sale. I read my community newspaper too so that I remain an informed shitizen. I also like to read the police blotter to see if anyone I know is incarcerated. But I digress. When on the road of course things are a little more complicated. I have to search for the perfect unloading station. That makes it more difficult and less conducive to dookie dropping on the road.

Complete poop nirvana for me is to simply sit my tired ass down on the toilet seat and know that I am in complete control of my poo. To get the full experience of the dump, I take it very slowly and smile as nasty farts rip out of my butthole.

This only applies to when I am at home, of course.

Hmmmm... I just noticed someone else posted with a name similar to mine. Hehe. Potty Pooperama?

Hope nobody gets the two of us confused...! *giggle*

I used to post alot on toiletstool.com, but just now I went there and it redirected to some webspace-service's ad page. This tells me either that Toiletstool.com missed a payment and went byebye, or the server went down (crash?) and they haven't restored it from the backup yet.

Oddly, Wayback doesn't have any new copies of the page since six months ago. But, then, they don't have any copies of it from before 2001 or so, either... and toiletstool.com has been around since perhaps the mid 90s!

If toiletstool.com is gone, I'm gonna miss it...

My Nirvana is very similar - always after work, with a joint rather than a cigarette and alaways with reading material - usually an auto magazine.
I usually adopt the squatting position in fromt of the bowl with the lid down until i can hold the poop no more, then lift the lid, sit & dump in one smooth (rapid) motion - yes, i have mistimed before and it was awful!
I do this every evening, sometimes 2 or 3 times - Ive been doing the same for the last 15 years and i think i always will! I sometimes worry that i waste too much of my life in the bathroom but i honestly look forward to it. I have even forgone nights out in favour of getting home and curling one out!
My girlfriend doesnt know about the "squat" position and she already thinks im weird for spending so much time in there - Am I weird????