Pain In The Ass
Over the past few years I have suffered from a condition called Sciatica -- inflammation of the sciatic nerve. During my occasional flair-ups, the pain starts in my lower back, runs though my butt cheeks, and then down the back of my thighs. It is an aching pain that feels as if someone hit me in the ass with a baseball bat. When bending, standing up or trying to get out of bed, I get a sharp pain in my hips like someone is stabbing me with a red-hot poker. It's worst when it hits first thing in the morning -- not only is there pain, but I am also stiff as a board and can hardly walk.
Over the last two weeks I have been suffering through one of the worse Sciatica attacks I have ever endured. I went to the doctor and he told me to take anti-inflammatory drugs, stay off my feet for two weeks, and go to physical therapy. I told him that I have a job and that I can't just burn two weeks vacation for this bullshit. Besides, I am using vacation time next month for a two-week trip to Florida. So I continue to work, stay active, and suffer.
The urge for my first defecation of the day usually hits around 6:30 AM. There I am, lying in bed, stiff as a board, needing to piss and shit. I dread moving because I know that invisible poker is ready to strike. But the pain somehow shocks my bladder into racehorse mode, so I have no choice but to muster the courage to rise.
I grab the edge of the mattress and swing my legs to the floor as fast as I can -- going slow only prolongs the pain. I sit on the edge of the bed for about a minute, then grab hold of the dresser and hoist myself to a standing position. At this point the pain is brutal, and my legs are stiff and weak; I take my first step and get a lightning bolt of pain in my butt cheek. I begin my slow walk as urine rushes to the head of my dick. I am ashamed to say that on a few occasions I've started to spray before I got in front of the toilet.
Now I am in the bathroom. I tug at my shorts and underwear and finally get them down around my ankles. I grab the sink and lower myself onto the pot. Now, the good thing about Sciatica is that when in a sitting or lying position, the pain disappears. But sitting or lying too much makes me even stiffer.
After squeezing out my loaf, it is time for the dreaded wipe. First I must lean forward to grab some toilet paper from the dispenser. I never put the roll on that thing; I think my wife moves it there to torture me further.
After getting a handful of TP, I stand up. Yes, I am a stander. My first attempt to wipe brings a sharp pain in my lower back, and I will halt my action. After recovering, I will then complete the wipe, praying for a clean sweep. A messy turd that requires numerous re-wipes will be agony -- so much so that I usually just stop after the second swipe and just deal with any bung itching later.
Finally, I struggle to pull my shorts back up, and then walk to my recliner to rest after the ordeal.
Don't take your good health for granted. We make jokes, but this is the reality. How do old people cope with this? Or handicapped people, or people that are severely injured? I am only 39 years old...
Like Doniker? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!