Pain In The Ass

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Over the past few years I have suffered from a condition called Sciatica -- inflammation of the sciatic nerve. During my occasional flair-ups, the pain starts in my lower back, runs though my butt cheeks, and then down the back of my thighs. It is an aching pain that feels as if someone hit me in the ass with a baseball bat. When bending, standing up or trying to get out of bed, I get a sharp pain in my hips like someone is stabbing me with a red-hot poker. It's worst when it hits first thing in the morning -- not only is there pain, but I am also stiff as a board and can hardly walk.

Over the last two weeks I have been suffering through one of the worse Sciatica attacks I have ever endured. I went to the doctor and he told me to take anti-inflammatory drugs, stay off my feet for two weeks, and go to physical therapy. I told him that I have a job and that I can't just burn two weeks vacation for this bullshit. Besides, I am using vacation time next month for a two-week trip to Florida. So I continue to work, stay active, and suffer.

The urge for my first defecation of the day usually hits around 6:30 AM. There I am, lying in bed, stiff as a board, needing to piss and shit. I dread moving because I know that invisible poker is ready to strike. But the pain somehow shocks my bladder into racehorse mode, so I have no choice but to muster the courage to rise.

I grab the edge of the mattress and swing my legs to the floor as fast as I can -- going slow only prolongs the pain. I sit on the edge of the bed for about a minute, then grab hold of the dresser and hoist myself to a standing position. At this point the pain is brutal, and my legs are stiff and weak; I take my first step and get a lightning bolt of pain in my butt cheek. I begin my slow walk as urine rushes to the head of my dick. I am ashamed to say that on a few occasions I've started to spray before I got in front of the toilet.

Now I am in the bathroom. I tug at my shorts and underwear and finally get them down around my ankles. I grab the sink and lower myself onto the pot. Now, the good thing about Sciatica is that when in a sitting or lying position, the pain disappears. But sitting or lying too much makes me even stiffer.

After squeezing out my loaf, it is time for the dreaded wipe. First I must lean forward to grab some toilet paper from the dispenser. I never put the roll on that thing; I think my wife moves it there to torture me further.

After getting a handful of TP, I stand up. Yes, I am a stander. My first attempt to wipe brings a sharp pain in my lower back, and I will halt my action. After recovering, I will then complete the wipe, praying for a clean sweep. A messy turd that requires numerous re-wipes will be agony -- so much so that I usually just stop after the second swipe and just deal with any bung itching later.

Finally, I struggle to pull my shorts back up, and then walk to my recliner to rest after the ordeal.

Don't take your good health for granted. We make jokes, but this is the reality. How do old people cope with this? Or handicapped people, or people that are severely injured? I am only 39 years old...

-- Doniker

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42 Comments on "Pain In The Ass"

Milk Chocolate's picture
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Ouch...

My mother has a disease and so she has constant constipation, or abdominal pain. It effects her knees so she has a hard time standing in the closet that she calls a bathroom. Its truly a hell fo her, and trust me, she's young to have to go through that. :/

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
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This past winter I fell on my ass on some ice and couldn't move for a day and was sore for four more. (And I couldn't stay home from work either.) Crapping was difficult - I injured my right asscheek and that's the one I reach my arm under to wipe. It sucked. Not being able to walk 10 feet from the couch to the bathroom didn't help either.

Doniker - doesn't your workplace have a short-term disability plan?

HotCarl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I have sciatica too but it only flares up after I get 10 pounds or more overweight. You are lucky you are a stander, the sit and twist to wipe KILLS the back during a sciatica bout. Those are the times I wish for a bidet!

Vatfryer's picture
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Doniker, you have my complete sympathy. That is obviously something that no one should have to endure. I agree with you, I would not want to waste vacation time on that stupid therapy bullshit. I'm lucky to have never been very sick before, and your story makes me appreciate my good health even more. I hope you feel better soon.

anonymous's picture
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Doinker, why not just get a dog......

anonymous's picture
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sorry I meant Doniker

Jackie's picture
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Sciatica sounds bad. I have lower back pain once in awhile but no sciatica. My first question was "how old are you" but you answered that in the end. 39 seems young to have that kind of problem. I can sympathize with you

Fred's picture
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Man, I could deal with the pain, but anything that interferes with taking a healthy dump is just not cool.

kayla's picture
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sararrhea's picture
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I stand too.

Everyone thinks its insane, but I swear, thats how I was taught. My mom and my sis do it too.

Alisha's picture
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show me some poop pithurs

poopypattyman's picture
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hey where did poopypattywomen go did dave delete her i am so sad now we were like g/frands together geez im am so sad.

gooeybob brownpants's picture
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sucks to be you

bearblue's picture
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OH I here you. Am currently dealing with the same thing. I start physical therapy next week.

I just have to chime in that Bending is HELL. Reaching is worse! And I so hear you about the multiple wipes...

You have my sympathy and true condolences, but I am verily glad to see I am not alone.

bearblue's picture
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*smacking forehead*

here=hear

*sigh*

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ points
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I too suffer from this condition and like my friend above I begin a physical therapy next week, in fact I went for my initial evaluation today. Two weeks ago I ended up in the emergency room! I pulled up in front, inched my way out of the car and called for someone to go get me a fucking wheel chair!! I had had enough moaning and groaning and hobblin and inchin my way along. They gave me three shots in my low back (don't ask what it was cause I didn't give a fuck, it put me to sleep for nearly 3 days).

Next week they are going to start a very intense deep tissue massage on some weird tendons in my stomach, hips and the backs of my thighs, down low like at your appendix, both sides, deep massage until it fucking hurts!! They gave me a taste of it today and honestly I am a little scared of the pain. But I hope to get some releif too! Ass wiing when flared up? OUT of the question. I even had to have my old lady do it for me a couple of times. She is a real trooper man!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Well I rode sciatica out without medication or theraphy and after 5 or 6 painful weeks I am 100% pain free.

Of course I am cautious of my every movement...it's only a matter of time before I move the wrong way and spend months in agonizing pain.

Brook's picture
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My Grandma has a Nerve problem and i was wondering if u guys have any cures besides advil and the heat pad...

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Lie down, then stick your legs up together, stretch, and try and flex your ass. I used to have sciticia and i did that and it stopped it.

doniker's picture
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thanks Chris. I have been painless for months and alot of daily stretching was a big part of my recovery.

Chuck's picture
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When I was a college distance runner, we would use moist heat for muscle rehabilitation. Take a towel, dampen it and put in a microwave. Heat to where towel is warm to the touch but not scorching the skin. It is more therapeutic than a simple heating pad. Sciatica is a different ball game, but it way relieve some pain. Get well Doniker.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Try using the crapper when you have the adult's version of diaper rash. I got that once after sweating up my ass crack on a long, hot road trip. It hurts to put your pants on, take them off, take a shit, pee, and wiping is a nightmare! Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Laying in bed is hell! Everything you do makes your ass feel like a flaming coal pit!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

electric dave's picture
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I found Depends is a big help.
No rush, no fuss.

in pain's picture
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I am not alone.....WOW (I hate exclamation marks, so pretend they're here). I'm 25 next week and I just got these sharp pains a few days ago. my mom told me it was sciatica (she knows everything and I don't know how). it took me 5 entire real minutes to walk 40 feet to go smoke a cigarette (which of course helps me poo ooh ooh). I hate this (insert exclamation point). sitting is ok but walking sucks duck terds. I'm going to take all your advice and get a headpad, advil, and stretch like gumby. Thanks ya'll. oh by the way, I'm a man and I wipe like a bitch from the front. maybe cause I'm 50 lbs heavier than I was in high school

aomega1's picture
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I have had lower back problems for years it went down my ass and into my leg and down into my right foot .I have no feeling in my foot because I let that fucking pain in my ass go for to long now I just had back decompression surgery and I feel no change what bull shit another way for some fuck to take my money.And now they say therapy ok another way to fuck me .I guess its all bull shit and I am just screwed or maybe if I put some money up my ass some doctor will climb up and tell me how to fix my problem.Thats realy all they give a shit about is cash. Thanks for nothing dick head surgens you suck.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Go see a chiropractor ( a good one ), walk in in pain walk out pain free, bests sciatica treatment there is.

The Aberration's picture
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my advice is to try lying with your crotch on the bed, and your knee's supporting your torso on the ground.
in theory, it would take pressure off of your lower back and hips. so it may or may not help. but is worth a try.

you could also try taking inkgo biloba for circulation. it might reduce any inflammation.

ginkgo biloba has many other health benefits. such as improves memory and mental acuity.
i've been using it for circulation related problems that have resulted in the loss of vision in one eye, and a threat to vision in the other eye.

i can literally say with all certainty, that i can see the results of ginkgo biloba.....

Preston's picture
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Thanks the music i listen to (bands like Impaled, Mortician, Obituary, Cannibal corpse and so on. I know alot about human anatomy and stuff, but i dont know what the hell is wrong. Gah its annoying like sometimes, after i take a shower ill walk like 10 feet out of my bathroom and just have to drop to my knees and roll around in pain its the worst pain you could ever feel honest to god and im rolling around thinking im going to fucking go grab one of my dads guns and shoot myself it hurts that bad its like in my lower stomach/crotch area. And also sometimes like just now i take a crap and like it will hurt in my anal passage, and my bladder and in my heart and my abdominal aera. Does anyone know what wrong? Please help my s.n for aim is rodh347, and my myspace is www.myspace.com/stonesourstehshit

MikeAssPain's picture
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Cripes, I'm 45 and have lived with sciatica since I was 27 and had discs removed. But I have learned to be patient with the pain; it always goes away.
However, taking a morning dump when I am still miserably stiff from getting out of bed is agony. I don't bother to wipe, it is so painful. Instead, I hop right into the shower. The warm water simultaneously soothes my back and cleanses my ass, and without the wear and tear of toilet paper.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I don't have sciatica, but I did have two surgeries for kidney and bladder stones [pain!], after which I needed a Foley catheter. Trying to poop while wearing that contraption is no fun, especially while constipated by Percocet. I went through a lot, including pooping while almost standing up, but not nearly what Doniker and other contributors here did. Be thankful for normal function when you have it--the replacements are not as nice.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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In my early 20's I had a pilonidal cystectomy. My cyst was extensive and required a deep incision from my tail bone to the anus. Shitting while my entire ass was bandaged was an extremely painful and awkward experience. You got it right MSG....be thankful.

Amanda H's picture
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Get a yoga ball and lay on it backwards...rock back and forth you can feel your back relieving the stress...

your (edited) matirarchal vagina's picture
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I usually get pains in my bladder when I poop while I'm on my period, it's very unbearable and I have no idea what it is.

jenny6736487's picture
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fuck you i'm only 19 and i've had this pain for about a year and i'm too fucking broke to get help

nancy vandenhouten's picture
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OMG! there are ppl out there like me...most times I just want to shoot myself..I also have a artifical knee joint..left ..which is my sciatica side..i have seen more doctors than you can count..my copping skills have flown the coop..i've seen drugs up the ass and nothing works for long..its sickening and depressing..massage therapy has helped i was going about 3 times a week it just is too expensive...can anyone help?

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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poor poor doniker, i too have the horrible misfortune to have sciatica. I started having problems with it when I was 17 and have problems with it still at the ripe old age of 26. The worst is when your pregnant(not something you have to worry about though) and you try to wipe after a shit, I almost passed out from the pain from that one. I am not a stander and it almost killed my back doing the lift up one cheek and wipe thing. I just sat there frozen with pain.Even now I can tell the weather is going to change because my hip is starting to hurt, dammit I feel old

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

pain in the ass!!!'s picture
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OOOMMMGGGG!!! My entire ass hurts, sitting too long, lying down too long, standing too long! I am in complete agony. I take norvasc and a diauretic, so I'm constantly pissing. It is hell trying to get to my feet and to the toilet fast enough. I feel like a Dodge F-150 is sitting on my rectum, and I'm always constipated. When I finally do crap, I can barely walk afterwards. What the hell is going on?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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ok i hvae this pain but it feels like a lump or sumthing at the top of my butt creeks.. it hurts when i sit certain ways or if i lay on my left side. i hurts rite nnow its like it hurts for a while the the bump will go away then it comes back for a while idk what it is but it hurts

gimpy girl's picture
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I am 35 years old I have had scoliosis surgery at 19 I can't stand up straight I have severe nerve pain my low back my shoulders both legs shoulders always hurt and I get severe headaches almost daily I have had to use a catheter since my surgery and I am in stage 4 renal failure I can't remember what it was like before I became forever constipated . And to make it worse I also have cyclic edema which I can gain 20 pounds overnight and it seems to put me through even more pain walking is a complete nightmare . And all doctors care about is the all mighty dollar they could care less about helping the patients.

geroo kimo's picture
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i had a hit IN my ass by the foot of a friend of mine a strong hit....and now it hurts a little bit and i have some problems pooping..its been like that for 4 days now...so is it a serious hit?and should i go see a doctor??

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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You should be taking ibuprofen for pain and swelling -- 400 mgs, and then 400 mgs an hour later, three times a day. I also suggest that you see a doctor. You might have a cracked tailbone, and it might be that when you got kicked, the swelling from the injury or the trauma itself ceased the peristalsic movement of your colon.

Good luck, truly. I hope that you find some relief. I've only been constipated twice in my life, and it sucked ass.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous's picture
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I am 54 years old2, I fell down my stairs when I missed a step, went up in the air and come down but not before my gym bag somehow got between me and the sidewalk. Ever since, when I stand on my feet too long my right butt cheek starts to hurt to where I feel like I could cry, it's been like that now for about a year! I don't know what is wrong. It does not go away over night either, the pain weakens until I start standing again. What should I do?