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 For My ProtectionPosted 08.18.2004 by Garebear (10)
I'm sitting on the toilet at work. To clarify: on a toilet, in a stall, in the men's room at work.
I'm looking at the toilet seat cover dispenser to my side, and I notice to words, "Provided by Management for Your Protection." And I think, "How nice." Isn't it nice how management works hard to protect its employees? And then I realized that there's an employee out there who's job it was to write that line. What kind of sucky job would that be? I'm sitting there, struggling. Just last week I could have been a Dairy Queen soft serve dispenser; then suddenly yesterday I started manufacturing Milk Duds, if you know what I mean. And while it seems so much more difficult to do the Milk Dud thing than doing soft serve, soft serve takes more time to clean up. It's obvious that the ideal is Baby Ruth. And when I was done, I don't know why -- I had to look. I guess so I could see that it's a job well done, that I've given birth to poopies. I paid good money for dinner and I'm about to flush it down the toilet. I'm beginning to think I should go on a fast and flush money down the toilet instead. And I realize: I'm full of shit. Everyone is full of shit. It's inside us but as soon as it's outside our body, it's suddenly gross and disgusting. It's just fine when it's inside, but as soon as it gets loose? ARRGH! Just like kids. No. I'm not into scat. Just the thought of it makes me want to throw up. On the other hand, we're also full of barf... unless we're fasting. Fasting sounds better and better every moment. People, like all vertebrates, have what are considered, biologically, to be external digestive systems. We don't hold shit inside -- it's all on the surface. Food never enters the body (until it's digested). Our digestive system can be equated to the hole in a donut: mouth, throat, stomach, small intestine, large intestine, and finally anus. That's one long-ass donut hole. Yes, biology considers that to be external digestion. Anyway -- you know the festive fall shit. It's the kind you get when you don't chew your carrots and corn well, and you start to produce fiesta logs. Brown, yellow and orange; the colors go so well together. The problem becomes horrifying when you have a bunch of Milk Duds that collect with the festive foods and a giant log pops out. And that's what I saw when I looked down. I mean, it was huge! I couldn't believe that that had come out of me. I had given birth. The problem was: it was a log jammer. It ended up wedged diagonally over the flush hole of the toilet. I kinda expect seven dwarfs to whistle and march across the damned thing. When I flushed the toilet it just sat there, stuck, unmoving. I flushed again and again. I began to wish that I had chewed my food better. For some irrational reason, I thought it had my name on it. I could just imagine the disgust of the next person to use the toilet upon discovering this giant stuck turd. I covered the colossal caca with vast amounts of toilet paper, hoping that the drag created by the toilet paper and the flushing water would break the damned thing. Nothing. I wadded up toilet paper and prodded the petrified poop. It stood its ground, unchallenged. I finally took one of those toilet seat covers, ripped it in half and twisted it to make a toilet seat cover rope. I carefully threaded the makeshift rope under the super shit and pulled up. It worked -- I dislodged the crappy thing! I flushed and the damned thing wedged itself in the flush hole, but I felt I was winning the battle. I flushed and flushed again. Out out damned shit -- it finally wagged its tail end as it circled with the flow of the flush, and then disappeared into oblivion. Yes. The toilet seat covers were provided for my protection. -- Garebear Post new comment
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