Years ago, while coming down after a night of pretty hard partying, some friends and I got into a lengthy discussion of a fecal nature. It was the kind of stream of consciousness discussion that can only occur between close friends late at night and while under the influence of a variety of chemicals. During this conversation we began to classify the different types of rectal remnants we have encountered in our lives.
We initially decided that there are essentially only two phyla in the fecal kingdom: Firm Turds (Turdabrates) and Diarrhea (Inturdabrates); and that all turds should subsequently fall into one of these two categories. Unfortunately, this simple dichotomy between Firm and Diarrhea is not adequate to encompass all fecal forms. Some poops have characteristics that do not fit neatly into either phylum.
The argument was made that a turd could transition from firm to diarrhea while being released into the wild. After much deliberation, it was proposed that this somewhat common occurrence is actually the simultaneous arrival of two different turds at the exit ring at the same time. This theory did have merit, but it was finally agreed upon that a crap is defined as an event as well as the result left in the bowl afterward. Therefore all material released from the ol' corn chute during a particular bowel movement is indeed a single unique beast and must be categorized as such. Thus the third fecal phylum -- Logarrhea -- was created, to encompass all shits that are simultaneously both solid and liquid.
After we agreed upon the three phyla of poop, the conversation evolved into a discussion of all the different crap types that members of the group had encountered. The varieties seemed endless:
- The Peanut Butter Shit, seemingly impossible to wipe, and quite possibly the messiest of all craps, due to its sticky nature.
- The Bunny Balls, actually a group of Milk Dud-sized poops (or a "Steam" of poops, as a group of shits are properly referred to as a collective).
- The Unexplained Green Goblin, an otherwise-normal log with the exception of its emerald green coloration, often occurring when nothing green was consumed in the days prior to its release.
Once the group had discussed the more common, day-to-day turds, the conversation swayed to the more rare and uncommon shits that had been encountered by members of the group. The ever popular and somewhat rare no-wipe-required turd, or Smoothie, as it came to be called, was brought up. This turd is always a pleasure, but it can only be identified positively first by wiping, and then, after finding no brown evidence on the meat whistle, wiping again to verify that the wipe was indeed thorough and not merely misplaced.
After discussing the Smoothie and its obviously fine traits, the Phantom was brought up -- a truly rare turd that can only be speculated upon, as it is, by its very nature, impossible to inspect. The phantom is a turd that, due to either its velocity, its specific gravity, its unique hydrodynamic properties, or quite possibly all three, manages to make its way out of the asshole and into the toilet basin whereupon it then negotiates a 135-degree turn and propels itself down the toilet with no flush required.
And then the question was posed: "What is the rarest of all turds?" It was finally determined that the rarest of all is a combo poop -- the Phantom Smoothie, a unique union of Phantom and Smoothie varieties of turds. The most rare and certainly most elusive of all the shits that one may take, it steals away like a thief in the night, leaving neither in the toilet nor on the toilet paper no evidence that it ever existed. A very enigmatic shit, and one that almost assuredly is accompanied by a sense of pride at having created it. The Germans were allegedly conducting experiments with geist-rückstände, or "ghost-feces," during WWII, as a way of saving water and toilet paper; but their success was minimal outside of the laboratory. So the Phantom Smoothie will surely go down in the annals of history as the rarest of all shits.
-- Bhbeall
