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Storing The Shitstick

Posted 03.12.2003 by Dave J (335)
I've dated this wonderful girl for 4.5 years now; we've been engaged for the last eighteen months. She is currently living back with her parents, as her job is close to home and pays great, and she's saving up because she's footing the bill for most of the wedding

I've stayed with her folks innumerable times in the last four-and-a-half years, and something about their bathroom has always struck me as odd. But I could never put my finger on it. Bear in mind that I'm a bit of a poop-ophile -- nothing feels as good as a healthy dump, so I know the territory.

Well, imagine my surprise when just last weekend I'm sitting on their porcelain-joy-chair, reading a magazine, when the haunting misgiving I'd had for nearly five years rears up and slaps me (metaphorically) in the ass: there, in the same little container as the ubiquitous toilet brush is a paint stirring stick. Once I actually saw it, I knew that that was the irregularity in the room where one goes to be regular.

Her step-dad is quite the handyman, but still, even if you repainted the bathroom often, storing a stir-stick there was, well, unusual. I asked my Fiancé about this, and she got mad. Not angry mad, but defensive mad, which of course piqued my curiosity. So I proffered what I thought was its purpose, suggesting she could merely confirm or deny my suspicions. Therein I learned the truth:

We've all read stories about the need to break the log jam with an object -- be it a coat-hanger, the toilet brush, or in some stories here, the human hand itself. Well, it seems that my Fiancé's younger brother (now 18) has the sorry affliction of periodically birthing mother-loving Herculean butt-dumplings. After numerous plungings, her aforementioned creative handy-man step-dad took a stirrer, coated it with the same latex paint that was used on the bathroom walls (for cosmetic reasons, and for the fact that latex is impermeable to water -- and water soluble, ahem, offal), and placed it with the other necessary toilet-maintaining accoutrement.

I thought it was hysterical; ingeniously so. Here, in plain view of one and all is the ultimate poop prod, the paramount shit stick, the sought after turd terminator -- and it's a beautiful baby blue. If only everyone knew that this baby blue wand was also the executioner's sword of those bungling butt bombs, maybe someone would market it. As it stands now though, unused while the perpetrator is living on his own, it's a painful scar on this family's psyche; a reminder of troubles past, a talisman of turd-trouble to come. Reminds me of Excalibur, from "The Sword In the Stone", but sadly, I was prohibited from taking any pictures. Maybe next time.

-- Dave J



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Mastercrapper (159) -- 03.12.2003

Sword in the stool!

Dave J (335) -- 03.12.2003

I think I'm being prevented from capturing this idol on film by something supernatural. I had my digital camera with me when I first sighted it (as detailed in the story above), but yielded to my fiancee's pleas to not take a picture (she knows of my "sideline career" as a poop-reporter, and could see instantly where this "find" would go). The following week, I dropped my camera to the floor, unintentionally, and with disasterous results. As I've told Dave (the Master), I have no backup camera, and am currently waiting the return of my digital (from the repair shop). I promise to provide pics to prove the authenticity of this story...in due time.

Tydirium (516) -- 03.12.2003

Wouldn't the shitstick have been stained brown? Are we to infer that this guy has spent time dilligently cleaning and scrubbing his shit stick so that it wasn't stained, and so that it wouldn't smell when left in the open? He must truly love his shit stick...

Justa Girl (not verified) -- 03.12.2003

Obviously, the shit stick doesn't NEED to be scrubbed. That's the beauty of having it painted. A quick swirl in the bowl is probably all said stick needs in order to maintain a healthy outward appearence. Just don't use it as a weenie roaster around the campfire because I'm pretty damn sure it's not hygenic, no matter how pretty the blue paint job is.

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 03.12.2003

Dave, this is also known as 'stirring the pot.'

Pooperscooper (not verified) -- 03.14.2003

'Herculean Butt Dumplings" 'poop prod''turd terminator''executioner's sword of those bungling butt bombs'

Dave J, I have been depressed as hell this week, but by the time I was reading your account, I was laughing so hard I was CRYING! The neighbors probably think Im on drugs or something.

PLEASE PHOTOGRAPH THIS PHENOMENON PLEASE, PLEEZ, PUHLEEAZ!!'

If your girlfriend got uptight about your noticing this thing, think carefully. Make sure you guys have sufficient compatibility in other areas for marriage to be sustainable. A 'mixed marriage' between a Poopreporter and an Aggressively Shameful Shitter might have trouble potential..

kiteless (not verified) -- 03.16.2003

one would think that, being that paint stir sticks are terribly cheap, that instead of painting one, they'd just replace it with a new one after each use? i mean how far could that set you back, unless of course, the poor man has to carve the turkey every time he uses the bathroom?

John (Skid) Mark (not verified) -- 03.18.2003

Well, the stick is inspiration for any aspiring inventor! The popsicle stick is certainly a comode-ity for roughly the same reason. A little wooden slat for poking the porcelain should certainly be patentable. And wouldn't they make great playtoys upon their discard? Great for building little log cabins and such. Think of the mothers day gifts! Take the paint stick and sharpen the leading edge for an easy hot slice as well. All the easier to connoiter the crap crux. This item could also make a tremendous staple in gas station door jambs-perfect for hanging up the crapper key! I envision each stick sterily wrapped sold in 5 packs with chewing gum. Perhaps with the band aids brand name.

slim jim junkie (not verified) -- 05.15.2003

My favorite radio guy "Bubba The Love Sponge" has a device like this that he calls the poopstick. It is not painted though

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 12.09.2003

Oh, my God! Is Bubba The Love Sponge still around?!? I was like eleven when he went on the radio!!!!

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 01.17.2004

Thanks for your answer in the other article, Slim Jim. I've kind of missed that sick bastard!

Rachelle (not verified) -- 02.22.2005

Interesting story, I too have had relationship surprises like that. Great story your a very good writer and I hope to read another interesting story soon!

sincerly Rachelle

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