Instructions For Stool Specimen Collection Kit

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40 Comments on "Instructions For Stool Specimen Collection Kit"

Glutgut's picture
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What the Hell!?

Ivana_Takaschmidt's picture
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#6 reminded me to shake my Yoohoo.

jbgrogan's picture
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SHIT

It's what's for dinner!

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points
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I like the description check boxes. Look at watery. It's like a picture of the bay. What would you submit? A bag of brown water??

-Pill Pooper

Crappen Geocacher's picture
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Very interesting.
Now I know how to do it before hand.
I noticed some bleed through of the Ink on the sheet of paper that this was copied from.

Chuck's picture
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My dad told me a story of his Air Force days. Part of their physical required a stool sample. Most enlisted went along with the order except for one shameful shitter. This fellow was hesitant about taking a dump then using a popsicle stick/tongue depressor to put part of sample in a pill box. Instead this guy found a small pile of dog crap and used that sample as his own. Days later the results returned and all men were considered healthy except for the one guy who used dog crap. His sergeant thought the man as nearly dead due to high nitrogen content in sample.

Tydirium's picture
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I love how vigorously the sample is being shaken. They really want that shook up!

I also like how they want you to keep this out of the reach of kids. Just in case kids want to test their stool for disease.

Hairy Pooter, how did you get these instructions? Poop problems?

Shit monster's picture
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That is very cool and useful, I always wondered how to collect a stool sample

paul's picture
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i like it!

Flapping Colon's picture
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What about the patient's part? It would be easy to put plastic wrap across the toilet to poop on. Then just stick it in the container...

Anonymous Coward's picture
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THAT IS SO COOL DO SOME MORE

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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How interesting. I've never had to have my stool collected. Now, should the need arise, I know how.

paradise pooper's picture
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What's not to understand?

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I like the tiny sample spoon. It reminds me of Baskin Robbins.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://groups.myspace.com/THECHURCHOFPOOP

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

L Wrong Hubbard's picture
l 100+ points
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That reminds me of the Japanese version my friend had with cutesy animation on it. Japanese depictions of poop are often anthorpomorphozed into a "poop character" much like Mr Hankey but cuter.
This example from a town in Toyama Prefecture is a city-run homepage designed to show kids how the sewer works.
Happy trails
L. Wrong
http://ppkindustries.blogspot.com

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Anonymous Coward's picture
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The bizarre thing is that you are supposed to shit into a bowl or bag. Who the hell is shitting into a bowl?

base8's picture
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thats great, we have sewege samples in our lab, no instructions i dont think though.

mott the poople's picture
l 100+ points
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Damn...I thought the male fertility sample cup was small...=} (!)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

boles's picture
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i would shit in a bowl, but i would probably throw it away after. in fact, if i knew the sample was going to be formed, soft, or loose, i would probably substitute a tea saucer for the bowl... just for aesthetics. obviously a serving platter would be used for larger samples. if cost is an issue, i think a disposable aluminum pie plate would probably be the best bet. plus you could save some of the sample, place it in the oven, and fossilize it for future generations to enjoy.

Bunga Din's picture
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Gives the term "High Tea" a whole different meaning.

poop patrol's picture
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you know your poop suspicously well

SSpiffyPoo's picture
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SamDamnit wrote:

I like the tiny sample spoon. It reminds me of Baskin Robbins.

"Poop, the 32nd flavor"
-------------------------------------------------------------

I work at a poop plant, so I know whereof I speak.

SSpiffyPoo

I work at a poop plant, so I know whereof I speak.

SSpiffyPoo

3flusher's picture
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The only test I ever took you had to smear it on a card with a little poopsickle stick!

3flusher

Crouching Pooper Hidden POopball's picture
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I am a Kindregarten teacher and have used this idea as an activity for the children when they r bored. It reallly calms them down and seems to be quite relaxing. I also think u should post how to make your poop's color be green. I'll just tell u anyways. What u do is that u think about the color green while u r taking a poop and your poop will magically turn green. Make sure u do not think of elephants or else u know what will happen.

Rat Droppings's picture
l 100+ points
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That's so funny. The symbols are universal and so is the act being described.

_______
"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

um... yeah's picture
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hey Crouching... I believe Fleet makes a convenient disposable bottle with a long thin nozzle and filled with a liquid that you could use to clear your mind some. Just a thought.

Poopgirl's picture
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Very informative
Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Poop on!

-Poopgirl

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I see. I am supposed to shit in the trash can and then take a spoonful out. No problem. I do that any way.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I must be pooptarted. I get lost somewhere around step 5. These instructions need words. Aside from the fact that nobody who can't read should be taking stool samples, the sampler is required to write in step 9 and should therefore also be able to read poop instructions.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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And here I thought is was difficult to store the container of piss in the fridge and keep adding to it for 48 hours.

MousePoo's picture
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True story:

I used to work for the USPS as a tempon..Most mail is machine sorted. What? No monkeys parked in fort of millions of cubbyholes?Umm...Not unless the machines can't handle the mail-piece. Any-poo...I was in the hand sort area and one of my coworkers was recalling an incident involving a "specimen" whose owner had obviously failed to follow the nice pictorial instructions and had sent what amounted to an envolope o' poo(Turd Terrorism via Post?)...The employee had gotten crap all over her hands and was not happy about it.
Ah, the simple joys of working 3rd(Irish accent:Turd) shift..

douchepump's picture
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I was at the doctors once and the nurse was shrieking for the doc. As it turns out some college kid (entrance phyisical)dropped off a stool sample that he packed the cup full even shaving the top clean. Looked like peanut butter, anyway the doc then said " Probably a future president".

Jack the Shitter's picture
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poop comes and the poop goes

fudge tunnel's picture
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i dont get the first on does it mean you cant put the bottle in the toilet?

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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Pooptarted....Dungdaddy that is some funny shit.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Thomasina Titt's picture
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_______
Thomasina Titt

This reminds me of a letter I got recently telling me about a test for bowel cancer (a serious subject but whoa...). Some days later I got the actual testing kit through the post, plus instructions about to take the sample. Apparently I was supposed to capture a dump in rubber gloves or a plastic bag, etc., being careful not to let it fall into the shitter. I was then to take the wooden stick provided and take a piece from one end of the turd and smear it on a specially provided transparent pocket, wipe the stick carefully on bog roll and then do the same with a sample from the other side of the turd. One from the North Pole and another from the South! I was then to post the whole kaboosh in a specially provided envelope to the research laboratory for testing.

I really couldn't bring myself to do it, as I suppose that even though I'm joining Poop Report it has the virtue of anonymity for me. I have to confess that when my name (real name, not TT) is attached to it, I am a VERY SHAMEFUL SHITTER. Anyway, I'm a vegan, so my colon gets no rest and my shit isn't there long enough to cause any damage.

There is also a MIGHTY WIND blowing through there at all times. As I am writing this I am farting like a walrus (1 fart a minute approx.!). The fragrance is gently ascending and I am filling my lungs with it!! What a wonderful stench! I am sitting on a wooden chair and the farts are ripping out of my ass and making a mighty clatter. My old feller is asleep on the chair and wakes up with a start as I rip a loud and odorous fart!

Thomasina Titt

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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They forget how you are supposed to hang the barf bag in front of your face! Once in the E/R, I had to snag my own stool sample out of a catch bowl (Picture a collander with a wide attachment to hook it across the bowl and under the seat.)
The stench was so bad, I nearly contaminated it with vomit! The nurse almost puked when she came in to help me.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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The purely pictorial directions would certainly not have told me how to collect a stool sample the way I had to do it last time. In my case, the instructions permitted collecting the poop from the toilet--after all, a fairly high percentage of poop is water anyhow. But then, like Thomasina Titt, I was to take a sample from the beginning of the movement and one from the end. I think the main reason for catching the poop before it got into the water was the real possibility of the front end of it going down around the bend. As I recall, I actually squatted over some toilet paper and let go. Then I could flush the rest of it down like normal. I vastly prefer verbal instructions, aided by pictures where necessary.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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which bottle do they put the bloody stool in??? is it in the empty one??? or one of the tubes wit the fluid in it???

torn bunger's picture
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_i like the wat rodney carrington takes in stool samples better in a shoe box______
I think i just shit an upside down pine cone.

I think i just shit an upside down pine cone.