Female Squatting: An Etiquette Guide
It's Latrina, long time no talk-- I've been busier than a one-armed paper
hanger, or something like that. Anyway I read this article on Salon.com and I
don't know if there is an appropriate forum for this... but check it out and see:
(This excerpt originally appeared on Salon.com. --Dave)
May 19, 2000 | Let's say you are afraid of contracting VD from a toilet seat.
You are misinformed, but we'll get to that later. What do you do? You use a
disposable toilet seat cover. There. Perfect. All is good with the world.
But all is not good with the world. In maybe a third of the stalls in women's
rest rooms these days (according to my desultory research), the toilet seat is
liberally puddled with piss. Somewhere along the line, germ-phobic women began
crouching above the toilet seat rather than sitting on a paper seat cover.
Women have begun peeing like men, but they lack the courtesy to put up the
seat. And since women cannot aim like men -- they have nothing to aim with -- a
good many of them end up hosing urine on the seat. Very few, it would seem,
bother to wipe it up.
Now when the rest of us come along and want to use this toilet, a seat cover is
no longer an option, for it will soak through, forcing us to sit down on paper
sopped in someone else's excretions. So we are forced to either wipe up said
excretions, or stand ourselves.
There is no rational reason -- other than avoiding someone else's mess -- not
to sit down on a toilet seat. You cannot catch venereal disease by pressing the
back of your thigh and butt cheeks to a piece of plastic where someone else's
thigh and butt cheek have been pressed. Catching VD requires direct contact. In
order to catch VD from a toilet seat you would have to rub your crotch on the
toilet seat in precisely the same place that someone else has previously rubbed
her contaminated crotch.
To be absolutely certain, I called the American Social Health Association --
"social health" being a euphemism for sexually transmitted diseases (STD) -- to
see what they had to say on the topic. I had been referred to them by an editor
at Self magazine, which recently ran a piece advocating crouching above the
toilet seat to avoid contracting trichomoniasis, a common bacterial vaginal
infection. (Thank you, Self magazine!) But neither ASHA nor the CDC's STD
hotline said they knew of any study documenting the transmission of trich in
this manner. They said it might be possible to catch trich from sharing the wet
towel or bathing suit of someone who's infected, but not from sitting on a toilet seat.
Okay Dave, I read this and think, "Right on, Sister Squatters who have strong
enough thighs to take on this maneuver." I am a proponent of
squatting-not-sitting, only because I have been too grossed out by laying a
seat protector on the toilet seat and watching little yellow wet spots develop
on it. Am I sitting on that? Hell no! Am I lifting the seat as suggested by
the article, as a courtesy measure for other ladies? Never! You pee at your
own risk and that's that.
There IS squatting etiquette, however, and it should go something like this:
to the seat --- but not touching. This is a great way to get those quadriceps in
shape and at the same time preserve the sanctity of your bum.
making a hole-in-one by checking your stream when you first begin. You can
always readjust if necessary and avoid making a mess -- a technique other toilet
patrons and the janitor will appreciate.
stray spots. That's just courtesy -- you can use a giant wad of TP if you so
desire, and you will hopefully wash your hands when you have finished.. and
getting a little of your own urine on your fingertips won't kill you for a
minute or two. At least it's your own urine.
to karate kick the handle. Or TP to flush with their hand, then quickly throw
it into the swirling bowl as it flushes.
Strong thigh muscles. Germ free tushy. Is it worth it? Consider this -- the
handle on the sink you are turning on and off after you pee is more chock-full of
germs than the toilet seat is. But, whatever makes you feel better.
Now, pooping this way is an art. I haven't been able to do it yet -- I'd much
rather just relax while Sir Sphincter does his job. I think it's pretty much
physically impossible, at least for me. I have spent my adult life trying to
do it and for the most part all I can do is fart weakly while the urge gets
stronger and stronger.
Double-paper if you feel better. Or use the handicap
stall. Or for the extremely adventurous who know the "joys" of shitting in a
foreign country, imitate the French and stand on the toilet seat, squat, and
shit that way. It's supposed to be great for the intestinal tract and it does
produce logs that are faster than a speeding bullet.
Just be careful not to spray pee everywhere when you are done. If you make the mistake of
missing, you either have one hell of a cleanup job, or a lot of explaining to
do. Better make sure to give the janitor a fruitcake for Christmas.