Female Squatting: An Etiquette Guide

m 1+ points - Newb

Hey Dave!

It's Latrina, long time no talk-- I've been busier than a one-armed paper
hanger, or something like that. Anyway I read this article on Salon.com and I
don't know if there is an appropriate forum for this... but check it out and see:

Ladies Who Spray: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, cut it out!

by Mary Roach

(This excerpt originally appeared on Salon.com. --Dave)

May 19, 2000 | Let's say you are afraid of contracting VD from a toilet seat.
You are misinformed, but we'll get to that later. What do you do? You use a
disposable toilet seat cover. There. Perfect. All is good with the world.

But all is not good with the world. In maybe a third of the stalls in women's
rest rooms these days (according to my desultory research), the toilet seat is
liberally puddled with piss. Somewhere along the line, germ-phobic women began
crouching above the toilet seat rather than sitting on a paper seat cover.
Women have begun peeing like men, but they lack the courtesy to put up the
seat. And since women cannot aim like men -- they have nothing to aim with -- a
good many of them end up hosing urine on the seat. Very few, it would seem,
bother to wipe it up.

Now when the rest of us come along and want to use this toilet, a seat cover is
no longer an option, for it will soak through, forcing us to sit down on paper
sopped in someone else's excretions. So we are forced to either wipe up said
excretions, or stand ourselves.

There is no rational reason -- other than avoiding someone else's mess -- not
to sit down on a toilet seat. You cannot catch venereal disease by pressing the
back of your thigh and butt cheeks to a piece of plastic where someone else's
thigh and butt cheek have been pressed. Catching VD requires direct contact. In
order to catch VD from a toilet seat you would have to rub your crotch on the
toilet seat in precisely the same place that someone else has previously rubbed
her contaminated crotch.

To be absolutely certain, I called the American Social Health Association --
"social health" being a euphemism for sexually transmitted diseases (STD) -- to
see what they had to say on the topic. I had been referred to them by an editor
at Self magazine, which recently ran a piece advocating crouching above the
toilet seat to avoid contracting trichomoniasis, a common bacterial vaginal
infection. (Thank you, Self magazine!) But neither ASHA nor the CDC's STD
hotline said they knew of any study documenting the transmission of trich in
this manner. They said it might be possible to catch trich from sharing the wet
towel or bathing suit of someone who's infected, but not from sitting on a toilet seat.

Okay Dave, I read this and think, "Right on, Sister Squatters who have strong
enough thighs to take on this maneuver." I am a proponent of
squatting-not-sitting, only because I have been too grossed out by laying a
seat protector on the toilet seat and watching little yellow wet spots develop
on it. Am I sitting on that? Hell no! Am I lifting the seat as suggested by
the article, as a courtesy measure for other ladies? Never! You pee at your
own risk and that's that.

There IS squatting etiquette, however, and it should go something like this:

  1. When squatting, the desired position to be in is with buttcheeks parallel
    to the seat --- but not touching. This is a great way to get those quadriceps in
    shape and at the same time preserve the sanctity of your bum.
  2. It's pretty much impossible to aim if you're a woman. Make sure you are
    making a hole-in-one by checking your stream when you first begin. You can
    always readjust if necessary and avoid making a mess -- a technique other toilet
    patrons and the janitor will appreciate.
  3. Always make sure to check the seat when you have finished and wipe up any
    stray spots. That's just courtesy -- you can use a giant wad of TP if you so
    desire, and you will hopefully wash your hands when you have finished.. and
    getting a little of your own urine on your fingertips won't kill you for a
    minute or two. At least it's your own urine.
  4. Flush. Again, courtesy. Those especially germophobic can use their foot
    to karate kick the handle. Or TP to flush with their hand, then quickly throw
    it into the swirling bowl as it flushes.

  5. Strong thigh muscles. Germ free tushy. Is it worth it? Consider this -- the
    handle on the sink you are turning on and off after you pee is more chock-full of
    germs than the toilet seat is. But, whatever makes you feel better.

    Now, pooping this way is an art. I haven't been able to do it yet -- I'd much
    rather just relax while Sir Sphincter does his job. I think it's pretty much
    physically impossible, at least for me. I have spent my adult life trying to
    do it and for the most part all I can do is fart weakly while the urge gets
    stronger and stronger.

    Double-paper if you feel better. Or use the handicap
    stall. Or for the extremely adventurous who know the "joys" of shitting in a
    foreign country, imitate the French and stand on the toilet seat, squat, and
    shit that way. It's supposed to be great for the intestinal tract and it does
    produce logs that are faster than a speeding bullet.

    Just be careful not to spray pee everywhere when you are done. If you make the mistake of
    missing, you either have one hell of a cleanup job, or a lot of explaining to
    do. Better make sure to give the janitor a fruitcake for Christmas.

    64 Comments on "Female Squatting: An Etiquette Guide"

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    Slang is used often in everyday conservation, the dictionary lists these meanings of the word bitch as well as the one you mentioned;

    Bitch, Slang;

    a. a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, especially a woman.
    b. a lewd woman.

    As long as we are discussing rules of writing I might mention that when I edited your comment I capitalized the word English since you has neglected to do so.

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    Anonymous's picture

    A bitch is:

    A female dog, wolf, fox, or otter. Slang is not standard English, therefore, it is cogitated as drivel. Use the term as preceded and show some reverence. I would have added,"you cretin!" towards the end, but I'd be demonstrating hypocrisy.

    Anonymous's picture

    Caitee, your evaluator works at a Fortune 500 company and you think he or she has nothing better to worry about that how you pee?

    I can see being self-conscious if you needed to take big noisy and/or smelly crap at work, but do you really think people are listening for the sound of a seat cover being pulled down and if they don't hear it thinking "Omg! Caitee didn't use a seat cover. Grody!"

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    Hello, AC: Do you raise the seat and sit on the rim? At least, raise the seat, squat, and poop in such a way that nothing hits the seat for the next user. Oh, and flush, please. Also, try to prevent the splashes from your turds from hitting the floor, especially the floor of the next stall. By the way, good luck squatting over a bowl with motion-detector flush: it might send your descending turd right back up at your bottom. Happy landings!

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    I never let my ass touch the toilet seat.

    the thin brown line's picture
    j 1000+ points

    .... the nastiest night clubs (ever seen someone shooting dope on a commode before, or snort a couple lines), bars, pubs, and taverns....my testament remains the same!

    Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

    the thin brown line's picture
    j 1000+ points

    Oh, forgot to mention, an informative and amusing thread...
    Jonathan Akers-where ever you are, your tipped commode story/comment had me in stiches!!!!

    Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

    the thin brown line's picture
    j 1000+ points

    I'm male (I think). I have sat on many a public commode...train stations, trains, airports, aircraft, outhouses, K-12 restrooms (oh, so long ago), faculty restrooms, restaurants, places that try and pass as restaruants, big arena-rock show/sports stalls, in Germany (post wall), Ghana, France, Czechoslavakia (now Czech Republic), Canada, Mexico, all around the states (including Molokai & Homer, Alaska), every friends house over the years, buses (very tricky), behind the bandstand restrooms (behind the bandstand by Seymore Butts), beach bathrooms (the worst), camp sites, Greatful Dead concerts (pooping on mushrooms is always transcendatory), college stalls, Baseball, Basketball, and Football Halls of Fame, parks, and even in Ladies rooms (don't ask!)....and unisex stalls...
    In all my years of sitting, I have never worried about germs...I have had no STDS in my life (knock on wood three times), so, I can attest to either my long history of good fortune, or comment on the relatively safe conditions of stated places....
    I've never pooped in a blimp...although, I have had fantacies (and dreams) of sitting comfortably in an elegant commode on the Graf Zeppelin (with Dr.
    Hugh Eckener at the helm), Hindenburg, USS Macon, Akron, the
    Shenandoah, and Goodyear....a person can dream, can't they!

    Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

    lesbian's picture

    There really aren't many germs on toilet seats. Oh and lesbians don't "get off" on the sound of you peeing. When you hear a man pee I don't think YOU get off, be realistic here.

    average pecker's picture

    Being a tall man I sit to piss at home - it keeps her happy. I can recomend being there when your partner is pissing cause it is an easy way of getting a blow job and if you time it right you can get a fanny or bum fuck too.

    When out I stand and use the urinals easy.

    chest respite guy's picture

    Oh the humanity of the situation sophomore guy. I am a senior at her school and cordially invite her to use my chest for number two whenever the pressure becomes unbearable. We can go down in the janitor's basement to accomplish the deed. She doesn't need to bring any tissue ... slurp!

    Sophomore Guy's picture

    This year my girl friend started squatting at school to pee. She still sits to shit and says she hates it. Once or twice a week she takes her shit after school at my house which is only three blocks from school. Sometimes it hurts her to hold it in for much of the day. I have yet to shit at school this year, but I don't think it would be that bad. Not as bad as a girl having to sit on the toilet several times a day.

    Shittin' Sheree's picture

    OK, I'm a high school senior. I always sit directly down on the seat, even if there are a few pee sprinkles on it. If I'm in school like 8 hours a day, I'm sitting down to pee twice and shit once. Why is there so much trauma and drama on the part of some people when they need to do this? As for Caitee, I'd rather have the "image" of being normal rather than wacko.

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

    So, you'd rather do business than cover the pot?

    When can you be hired?

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    Brinda's picture

    I'm not an MBA holder, or college graduate for that matter. I'm taking business classes at a community college evenings while working 40 hours a week at a large company's corporate headquarters. I guess I don't worry about image like Caitee or going way out of my way like Madison to sit on paper when I pee or crap. My objective is to pee or crap as fast as possible so that I can get back to my work
    station and log back in within 5 minutes or so. I usually sit right down on the seat, but if there's urine on it, I'll quickly wipe it off first. The squatting and nests of toilet paper just aren't my thing, but I know that some of the girls that do it think they're really important stuff. I have never covered a toilet seat or squatted and I'm not planning to start at age 26.

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

    Hi Madison. by the way, my daughter's name is Madison, therefore I already like you.

    When someone mentions an internship at a Fortune 500 company, it's safe to assume those bathrooms are going to be very nice. This soon-to-be college graduate isn't going to the bathroom in a high school-type shitstorm like you might be imagining.

    I've been in some very dirty high school bathrooms, so I understand why you would feel the way you do. Bathrooms can be gross.

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    Corporate Chick Madison's picture

    How can you blame a person for the way a large office building is designed? I'm a junior in high school and I work three hours an evening after school at a large company's 18 story headquarters.

    The general public only has access to the first two floors. I do clerical work as part of a work-study program on the first floor. The restrooms at these two levels are heavily used and unfortunately they attract some street people too. Security watches such visitors closely. These are just basic bathrooms with none of the amenities. However, beginning on third floor, the bathrooms are much nicer. There are couches and tables and lamps when you walk in and you go through another door to reach the toilets. The stalls are very spacious, modern, have automatic flush and toilet seat protectors. A couple times a week I deliver documents directly into executive offices on the top five floors. Each office, I've noticed, has its own washroom, which look even nicer.

    When I have to pee (and that's like once an evening) I use the toilets on my floor. Yes, I squat straddle, just as I do at my high school. About twice a week if I need to have my BM (and that's usually because the toilets at school are so gross) I will take the elevator to one of the other floors because the toilets are cleaner and I have the seat protector available.

    I intend to work in business after I graduate and I don't see why Caitee is being put down. My Mom, for example, will never use a toilet in a public park, gas station or a portable potty. Does being a little more cleaner about yourself make you evil because you don't want to sit on the same toilet as the "unwashed, less deserving masses?"

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    Sorry Russel but you are part of the problem if you try to hover in all public facilities. Your ass will not work like a vacuum cleaner and suck the germs off the commode seat. After your hovering do you inspect the seat for drops or chunks and clean them or do you leave them for the next person?

    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    Russell's picture
    l 100+ points

    I only sit at home.
    Russell the shitting queen

    Russell the shitting queen

    Artful Dodger's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

    The germ aspect isn't necessarily the problem, although as daphne pointed out public toilets are cleaned at least once a day and are probably cleaner than the ones in our homes. What annoys me is the unbridled arrogance from an untested pup that is soon-to-be for a lot of things but as yet isn't much of anything at all.

    I hope that our Caitee who is so image conscious is really just trolling some flame bait instead of truly concerned her dainty, almost educated posterior might come in contact with the unwashed, less deserving masses. Unfortunately, given the self-serving sense of entitlement that most people exhibit today, she could sadly be all to real.

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

    It's that she is almost an alumna of some university, and yet she has managed to graduate without learning that bacteria on toilet seats won't make you sick just by plopping your butt on it.

    If she was really, truly worried about being sick, she'd be freaking out about the door handles, phone receivers, and the bottom of her purse. The toilet gets cleaned daily. How often have you or any other female put your purse in a grocery cart or elsewhere that hardly ever, if at all, gets cleaned?

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969

    Low-level Manager's picture

    What's wrong with a woman such as Caitee being a little cleaner about herself? My wife is too!

    Artful Dodger's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

    You're a fucking retard, soon to be college graduate or not.

    Image Conscious Caitee's picture

    I don't care if the front of the toilet seat is elevated or not, but as a soon-to-be college graduate I just don't see myself sitting directly on a public seat whether it's to urinate, crap or something in between. I'm interning right now at a Fortune 500 company and I wouldn't want my boss/evaluator to be in an adjacent stall and hear me sit right down on the seat without pulling off a seat protector or, in the case of our first floor bathrooms, lifting the seat before my squat. I also make sure that I flush with my foot and wash my hands. Image is important and I still need to get into an MBA program and eventually get hired.

    Mandy's picture

    I've been in situations like RedCheeks! I also have used the bathrooms like Guess Pee Reporter refers to that have the seats with something like a spring on them that rise to like 10 o'clock when they are not being sat on.

    I used one at the sports arena this past winter. When I first entered the stall, I thought the seat had been vandalized and partially bent off. The crowd was large and I had waited 10 minutes. Since there were no toilet seat papers and I had to pee, I just pulled the seat down with my left hand and held it down while I unbuckled my jeans, dropped them and pulled down my underwear.

    The elevated seats sure beat hover peeing because of comfort (and I'm a nervous person in crowded public bathrooms!) and they would make me feel better about sitting down to crap because I wouldn't have to worry about sitting in splattered pee. And those bent on hover peeing could still do their thing without even having their hand come into contact in lifting the seat.

    Then it's pretty simple: all they would have to do is flush. And that's taken care of with sensors in so many modern bathrooms.

    Opeewan Kenopee's picture

    I'm sick and tired of women complaining that they can't aim when they pee. The truth is that almost all women can aim if they:

    1. Properly align themselves with the opening of the toilet bowl.

    2. If they clear their minds

    3. If they use the FORCE

    Very simple.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    If I go into town I just wear a disposable diaper. I can just go anytime I feel the urge and do not have worries with hovering or wet toilet seats. After I peed I go into the nearest stall, pull my panties (waterproof) down and change my wet diapers for a dry one. I can then dispose of the used one. I do the same at night. I wear night diapers and use them during the night mostly without waking fully. They are usually soaked but seldom leak. I think that gets over the problems of germs.

    richard 1's picture

    I've got myself a chamber pot and use it to poop in everytime now,you squat but also have something supporting you,i recommend this method it's so enjoyable going to toilet in this way,and a great way to empty your bowel fully.

    Poopsy McGee's picture
    l 100+ points

    There is only one way to urinate in a public restroom if you are a girl: the hovercraft.

    I don't fucking care if the gympy cleaning lady was just in there with her bottle of blue disinfectant. Those bathrooms could be hosed down with bleach and still I wouldn't be convinced it was safe to sit.

    I mean you never know, there could be saber- toothed crotch crickets could be just waiting for your bum to make contact so they can come to roost. I've seen the greasy bitches meander out of these bathrooms without so much as a backwards glance at the sinks. Fuck that shit. I'm not taking any chances.

    I'll wipe up my tinkles depending on where I am. Elementary school bathroom after a PTA meeting? You betcha. Wal-Mart after some skeez shat all over the wall before I got in there? No.

    The way I see it, pee pee etiquette can only be practiced if the person before you did too. Otherwise, it's every girl for herself.

    Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

    hahaha squat-n-leaveit, that was great. interesting article there about squating. Just don't try the squating above the toilet and shitting when your drunk. Could get messy.
    Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

    Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

    Squat-n-leaveit's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

    Wow. This is an old story. My great-grandfather moved to Arkansas, and fell in love with a Chickasaw squaw. (her words) So this big Swede-Scott was rather surprised when his bride to be stated she could pee higher on a tree than he could. She pulls up her skirt,and makes her mark on the mighty cypress. He laughed as he saw the pitiful stain that would be so easily surpassed, until she informed, "You have to do it same as me, NO hands!"

    RedCheeks!'s picture

    Oh Goodness. Regarding squatting, the most embarassing thig happened to me today. I missed a little and didn't even realize until it was too late and left the stall! It was so noisy, I couldn't hear!The person before left pee all over the seat, so i was not going to wipe someone else's pee! So it is a chain reaction. One mess leads to another. I'm sure all the women in the washroom think I'm disgusting, when in reality I was just trying to stay clean. I got the worst looks, and I didn't know why. Then it hit me. EWWWWW Big Mistake! I am so embarassed. I will see these people again. How can I show my face again?! "Yeah I'm the girl that missed the seat and didn't notice".

    LeandraCullen's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

    this site has branched out. cool.
    I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

    The Original Grasshopper

    Guess Pee reporter's picture

    Guess Pee reporter (not verified) -- 04.16.2008 (not to Dave - I did the original on my PDA, which is not anything like a full screen and now I look at it, there were a number of mistakes in typing. I'm sorry I didn't see them on the small Palm, but would you mind replacing my previous text with the much better one, please? Sorry for the trouble, but I felt inspired to write it when I did.)

    The "pre-sprinkled" seat seems very common in the public ladies room, as does the general workaround of hovering, but most women don't lift the seat when they do hover. What would women thing of a seat that raised itself if not being sat on? This would greatly encourage hoverers to pee with the seat up and not even have to touch a dirty seat. I realize this smacks of the old argument of having the men put the seat down after peeing, but it might be practical never the less.

    Guess Pee reporter's picture

    The "pre-sprinkled" seat seems very common in the public ladies room, as does the general workaround of hovering, but most womem don't lift the seat when they do hover. What would wmen thing of seat that raised itself ifnot being sat on? This would greatly encourge hoverers to pee with the seat upannot even bave to touch a dirty seat. Irealize this smacks of the old argument of having the men put the seatdown after peeing,but it might be practical never the less,

    BathroomSkyper's picture

    I luv it when I can get out in the garden at someone else's house and do it - preferably somewhere with a large garden and lots of grass. I push my ass out backwards and usually put my pants down and on the floor, though I have done it where I've put any obstructing material to one side! I shall have to try the finger method though!

    bb's picture

    I just hold my dick downwards so it do not touch the front of the bowl. You cannot rest it on top of the toilet seat as one commenter suggested, as you pee a few times while crapping. And to the guy whose pubic hairs are long enough (or penis is short enough) that they obstruct his urine stream, i am sorry for you!

    The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
    k 500+ points

    Yes Mr. BIG SCHLONG but you should ALSO keep your dick hairs trimmed too because that can redirect the piss causing you to piss in two and three multidirectional streams thats why WE sprinkle when WE tinkle. We being men that is.....
    The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


    8" penis rests on seat. Not a big deal!'s picture

    For the retarded men who posted here... IF your dick touches the seat or drops into the water (which I highly doubt) then put a few layers of TP on the seat and rest your theoretically huge PUD on it and quit bitching. Hold it safely down to piss, and then rest it back there again.

    peeman's picture

    when i poop i hold my penis down

    Kevman's picture

    I like the thought of the lady splashing so loud. wish i could hear!

    Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
    l 100+ points

    If you hinkey dinky parlez poo
    While in the crowded dinky loo
    Don't be a scurvy stanky snatch,
    For others' sake please light a match!

    "Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

    keeping the whack in tally-ho...

    The Dumpster's picture
    i 2000+ points

    "If you sprinkle
    When you tinkle,
    Please be neat,
    Wipe off the seat!"

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Whatever you do... dont put hand sanitizer in your ass. :0

    JustSomeGuy's picture

    Ooh I knew it !!! It's the WOMEN who make the seat wet and spread the rumour that men are jerks who can't lift the seat while taking a piss. And one word to those obsessed with being infected by germs : You'll just weaken your immune system if you think like that. It's perfectly normal and necessary to come into contact with bacteria on a daily basis and develop your own immunity. I never needed any anti-biotics in my entire lifetime. And then piss is sterile most of the time anyway.

    William Hung's picture

    What really suck is when you're a dude and your junk takes a dive when you sit down to squeeze one out. I don't care so much about a little dried piss residue on my ass cheaks, but Jesus... I don't want my dick hanging in there with all that shit.

    Squatter Virgin's picture

    humm...i was looking for info on using the toilet in india and came across this...hummm interesting are all you all mad! ... going to the toilet is a chance to sit and relax...why worry about germs, and strengthing your thighs etc....just sit do your business and leave...easy as that!

    anonymous's picture

    do you poop yourselves?

    Me's picture

    You need help. All of you.

    Ronzique's picture

    Yes, women can drop the bomb, too. I fantasize of them being WWII B-17 bombers dropping stools and air-raiding toilets...just like men. I mention B-17 bombers because (if you look at WWII movies) the planes had pictures of pin-up girls painted on them, and were even named for women. This is how I fantasize of women having huge turds or loose stools, especially if they squat over the toilet, and particularly if they were shorts, skirts, or dresses.

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