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toilet charity drive

Ode To Stink

Posted 05.22.2003 by Mad Shittah (76)
After reading many of the stories posted here, including my own, I have noticed that the majority of them share a common thread: racing to beat the diarrhea drop. Most of the victims eat or drink something that fuels this watery fire, and are suddenly faced with an emergency evacuation situation. Believe me, there is nothing worse than trying to hold back this type of bowel movement. I refer to this explosive reaction as the Screaming Meanies.

The Screaming Meanies stink, they burn, and they make you question your mortality. They are bad enough when they hit at home or near a poop-friendly location; having a case while being uncomfortably far away from a friendly toilet is the worst feeling in the world. No matter how capable a shitter you are, there's always the chance for a misfire. With the popularity of thrill seeking activities, I vote we designate Screaming Meanies as an Extreme Sport and have ESPN cover it.

Although Screaming Meanies usually make for the most entertaining stories, we shouldn't forget about another area of crapping that holds equal standing: smell. I will be the first to admit that my poop is foul, foul, foul. Actually, my wife, my sister, and my former roommates would all be the first to admit it. So would my co-workers. And my old classmates, too. This list could go on, but you get the point -- when I poop, I bring the heat. Allow me to share a story illustrating this point.

I was the HR guy for a small company last year. We were hiring some day laborers to set up booths at a trade show. After a morning of talking with 'team players', I downed some Chinese food for lunch and made a mad dash back to work for the inevitable. Luckily the handicap stall was empty, so I set up shop and began the music.

This bathroom was shared by the dozen or so businesses on the second floor, and you had to jockey for position after lunch. About mid-turd, two guys entered to take a piss, one on the urinal and the other in the single stall next to me. I had my ass cranked to reek factor five and climbing, and the aroma smothered the room like a thick blanket.

One of the guys moaned, one of those long, "Mmmmmmmms." I choked back a giggle at this. Then he did it again, and said, "Damn, somebody shittin' up in this motherfugger." I did let a giggle slip out at that.

The other man said, "Yeah they is," in agreement. Then one of them said, "Damn, damn, damn." At this I started laughing uncontrollably. Before they left I checked the shoes of the guy next to me, and saw they were a pair of funky blue Nikes.

I composed myself and made my way back to the office. Sitting in the lobby were two guys filling out applications. One of them had the blue Nikes on. I smiled at them on my way through to my office. I paged the secretary and told her to tell them I would review their application and be in touch.

I told this story to some co-workers a few days later, and they thought it was hysterical. It seems our salesman was unfortunate enough to be in the bathroom with me and my stench gave him the dry heaves. He in turn told everyone there, including the owner, and my story validated this point.

In this day of CGI, Reality TV, and Vin Diesel wannabes, it's easy to get caught up in the race to be bigger, better, and louder. But let's not forget the basics. Our exploits with the Screaming Meanies produce some great stories, but there is more to pooping than launching an ass cannon. Sometimes it's enough to just stink.

-- Mad Shittah



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PJbrownstuff (60) -- 05.22.2003

The reason everyone writes about the Screaming Meanies is that it's a lot funnier than constipation. So you sit on the toilet for 30 minutes and nothing comes out. Wow that's hilarious.

I agree that we need to get back to the basics. It's just tough to make a constipation story funny--IMO. I'm not saying it's never been done--I'm sure Mastercrapper and others have done it. It just seems to me to be easier to come up with silly names for diaherrea. Green apple splatters. Trouser Chili. Funny names for constipation? Can't really think of one.

Pat (37) -- 05.22.2003

That is hilarious. I have to admit, the continuous barrage of stories about the "Screaming Meanies" is getting a bit old. Every story is beginning to sound the same. Perhaps it is that everyone is trying to craft their words in such a clever manner that they all end up sounding the same. I think you're right. We need to go back to the basics.

I applaud you for your story. It is the first time I have laughed out loud at what I read on this site in several months. Not that the stories I have read are not funny, it's just they get really repetitive.

ThreePly (not verified) -- 05.22.2003

"when I poop, I bring the heat"

I love that line.

The Big Wiper (2244) -- 05.22.2003

Constipation is like watching paint dry. You sit around and wait and wait and nothing much happens.

Di Uhreea (409) -- 05.22.2003

"I had my ass cranked to reek factor five and climbing" - Hilarious!!! Too Funny!!

DR (not verified) -- 05.22.2003

"Damn, somebody shittin' up in this motherfugger."

Pat (37) -- 05.22.2003

It's not that I find the Hershey Squirts unfunny now. I think it's more the way people craft the stories that gets repetitive. It's like everyone has a template for their story. Set the scene with what I ate last night...tell about how I'm stranded in the middle of nowhere with no place to go...describe the shit using as many adjectives as possible...yadda....yadda...yadda. It seems like some people actually have a thesaurus at their side as they write these stories, perhaps trying to prove they are intelligent poopers. If we're so intelligent, then how do we always end up shitting our pants and writing about it on here?

Again, please don't take this to mean that I don't enjoy reading the stories. I love them. I would just like to see a little more creativitiy in the delivery.

By the way, a funny name for constipation? How about Butt Plug. When you finally pass a turd after a bout with contipation, it's like "giving birth to a baby turd."

^^^yousuck^^^ (not verified) -- 05.22.2003

funt

Poop Lover (not verified) -- 05.22.2003

I think Pat is right. All these stories are beginning to sound the same. They have the inevitable intro with Chinese or Mexican food, the desperate search for a place to shit, sometimes failure to find the place accompanied by shitting in pants, or if place found stink and mess created. Some stories just make better reading than others or are a little funnier. I guess no one, however, is perched on the edge of their chair because of the suspense created! We all more or less know how the story will end!

PoopisYummy (not verified) -- 05.23.2003

screaming meanies thats great

JustaGirl (not verified) -- 05.25.2003

I'd love to see pooping be considered an extreme sport and to get the attention it deserves. I like the idea that it could be ordinary, everyday guys (well, and maybe SOME girls but really, how many girls would poop for sport in public). I get so sick of the macho, look-alike dumb jocks who are involved in so-called "extreme" sports. It would take way more courage to make an impressive poo for the camera than it does to climb a mountain. I bet some of those big strong mountain climbers make wussy little poos... probably due to the altitude or something. Bring on the TRUE sportsmen- POOPERS!

The Big Wiper (2244) -- 05.25.2003

Yo, JustaGirl! MTV did a special show about three or four years ago with Blink182 called, 'You Idiot!' The premise was that the Blink guys recruited four ordinary college guys and had them eat tons of beans for dinner. They put them up in a hotel room and the next day had all four of them shit to see who did the biggest turd. All four were photographed on the crapper, and the Blink guys were in the bathroom with them most of the time, shootin' the breeze. It was pretty extreme, and the winner got a big check, even though I'm sure his mother is not particularly proud of the fact that his main claim to fame to date is a big, thick dookie he grunted out on national TV.

BTW, the Blink guys did all sorts of commentary on the guys while they were pooping. It was pretty close to what you have just proposed. You might write or e-mail MTV to see if they are ever going to repeat that show or do something similar in the future. Peace and Plop!

Gutbuster (112) -- 05.26.2003

OK:

So I went on this date with a girl I had just met, during the course of the evening I felt the urge to go number two. I excused myself to use the bathroom, went inside, sat down, did my business, wiped my back side and then returned to finish watching the movie we had rented.

Back to basics?

I'd rather run the gauntlet with my ass checks jambed shut at the fear of expelling liquid ass venom the color of hot butterscotch pudding and smelling like a buried goat spraying all over the white walls of her little two bedroom condo ...............

JustaGirl (not verified) -- 05.26.2003

Big Wiper... many thanks... dude, i got in touch with MTV by e-mail and the correspondent i talked to had no clue about the Blink/Poop thing but he did offer for him and 3 of his buddies to fly to Canada and shit for me, food of my choice. I'm in HEAVEN. YOU ROCK and i'm so gonna name my 3rd born child after you! MUUUUUUUAHHHHHHHH

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