Preparing For The Summer Stoolstice
The universe is like a giant Swiss clock. Gravity and other magical forces effortlessly keep the planets and the stars floating around space with the precision and regularity that only someone on all-oatmeal diet can possibly replicate. So exact is the rotation of the Earth around the sun that on every June 21, without fail, there occurs the celestial event known as the Summer Solstice. This is the day when the tilt of the Earth is at its least drastic relative to the sun, and thus occurs, in the Northern Hemisphere, the longest day of the year.
The Summer Solstice has happened every year since the Earth started rotating. June 21st, 2005, however, also marks the third annual celebration of a very important tradition here at PoopReport: the Summer Stoolstice.
Achieving the elusive eighteen-incher is a difficult feat; but if there were one day a year to strive for it, this is it. The trick is two-fold: a regimented two-day diet of hard-to-pass sustenance, followed by a sudden massive influx of cleansing fiber. Starting on June 19, you want to fill up your stomach with a mess of difficult-to-digest bung (PHASE 1), and then bind it and shove it all loose with a tremendous burst of fiber (PHASE 2).
My intuition tells me that Phase 1 should consist of fatty meat, cooked as thoroughly as you can stand it. A little bit of research brought me to Digestive Control by Anne Mears, which gives us these tips:
"The specific food vs. digestion time: Carbohydrates (fruits, cereals) require the least amount of time to digest; proteins (legumes) is second, and last of all, requiring the most time to digest are the lipids (nuts, nut butters). A mixture of two or three (beans and rice) requires even more time to digest."
"Method of food preparation: Fried food or foods containing high amounts of oils or hardened fats, require more time to digest. A cereal cooked very well is easier to digest than one that is partially cooked."
"Too much water or juice taken with the meals will dilute the digestive juices, and slow digestion: 'Food should not be washed down. Taken with meals, water diminishes the flow of saliva; and the colder the water, the greater the injury to the stomach... The more liquid there is taken into the stomach with the meals, the more difficult it is for the food to digest; for the liquid must first be absorbed.'"
Ms. Mears, of course, suggests we should avoid slow digestion. But in Phase 1 of celebrating the Summer Stoolstice, slow digestion is exactly what you want -- you want to retain as much of your food in your stomach as you can. So follow the above guidelines all day the 19th and most of the 20th to ensure record-breaking bulk.
But building up your internal mass is the simple part. That's like packing a barrel full of gunpowder -- easy, but benign without a fuse. So on the evening of the 20th, you bring your preparations to fruition. On the 20th, the last meal you should eat (dinner, if you dine late, or a late-night snack) should be as much fiber as you can possibly handle.
Oatmeal, for instance. At least two bowls.
Oatmeal, bran muffins, fiber-filled cereal, raw green veggies, brown rice, beans, a triple helping of Metamucil for dessert... they don't make the most delectable dinner, I know. But for the Summer Stoolstice, this is the sacrifice that must be made. In order to achieve maximum chunk on the 21st, you need this injection of fiber to bind your churning mound and push it out. Making its way through your system, the fiber should scrape your internal nooks and crannies clean and free of any clinging pockets of stool, clumping your huddled masses together in what you hope to be a celestial event of your own.
Pooping for sport (or ritual, in this case) is not an easy task. No two colons react the same, which means what works for me may not work for you. However, if you follow these guidelines starting on June 19th, June 21st should be a long and memorable day for you indeed. Good luck!
-- Dave
About the Author
I am the founder, editor-in-chief, and dictator of PoopReport.com. I am also the author of Poop Culture: How America is Shaped by its Grossest National Product, published by Feral House. You can email me at dave {(at)} poopreport dot com.
69 Comments on "Preparing For The Summer Stoolstice"
What a disgusting idea. Why are you doing this? Why would you want your poop to be big at all? Isn't it better when it's small and unobtrusive? If it's big, then it's going to be hard to get out... you're tlaking about hours of pushing and grunting just for this little game of yours.
It's not disgusting. It's fun. It's a challange to the mind and the body -- the body to produce, and the mind to consume such a challanging high-fiber dinner. I am up for the challange. I'm sure other PoopReporters are up for the challange.
Who wouldn't want to poop a big poop? With all that fiber, it would be an easy slider for sure. It is a great experiement. I will be stocking up on sausage (no buns!) and steak (no potatoes!) this weekend.
i'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go fo r this 18 inch poop . I'm not going to show my girlfriend, though.
I'll bet there will be brisk sales for plungers during the summer stoolstice.
Dimwit, one might ask the same of a marathoner..."why are you doing this?" I know I do...why run 26 miles when my car runs perfectly? But to each his own, and I am all for a poop marathon...18"? I'll give it my all!!!!
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)
MegaDump, I like your drawing.
Not only do I wish you the best of luck in both length and girth, but may it pinch cleanly off!!!! Godspeed you sir!
i have a better question, dimwit. why are you here??
i'm gonna do my best to poop as big as i can! unfortunately, i can't afford to go shopping this weekend, so hopefully i'll be able to get a nice big poop with what i already have at home. i'm kinda worried, though cuz i don't usually poop very big. what if i get hurt??
i love poop.
I, too, loved MegaDump's fabulous artistry. The leg hair was so true to life. So what equals 18 inches? Double or triple ringer? I recommend after loading up on the meats to eat a pound of cherries and wash it down with a prune juice spritzer.
Oh, well, I haven't done the appropriate "preparations" for the Summer Stoolstice. So, I'll probably take a dump after each meal tomorrow, like a dog, as always.
But the Stoolstice discussion made me remember when I once celebrated the Spring Solstice by balancing eggs on their small, tapered ends. I wonder if poops, like eggs, can stand on their ends at the moment of the Spring solstice.
Or maybe, at the moment of the Summer Stoolstice!
Piece Out!
Crapola
Piece Out!
Crapola
It's 9:37 AM on the day when the Heavens and the Earth have aligned in such a way to make this day longer than any other. Last night, in honor of tis celestial event, I eschewed the meat-and-beans diet I'd been enjoying for the two days previous in favor of a big ol' salad and wheat bread and two servings of Metamucil.
I awoke with my ass beckoning. I went straight to the porcelain throne and out it all came. It was definetly more than a foot cumulative; however, it did not retain its structural integrity. I certainly could have reached in the toilet and stuck all the pieces together with toothpicks to create the desired length; alas, I'm just not that dedicated to the cause.
Still, it was an impressive deposit. I feel the summer stoolstice has been dutifully recognized.
mmmm....yup.
Yup, I gave at the office today (my home office).
Nineteen inches. curled like a rattlesnake, and measured with the tape measure I use for sewing.
A Stoolstice to remember!
Happy summertime, PoopReporters!
Watch out for that potato salad and coleslaw laying out in the sun, at your suummer BBQs & picnics.
They'll make you poop 19 inches in squirts like the ones from that red plastic squeeze bottle for ketchup & yellow plastic squeeze bottle for mustard.
Piece Out!
Crapola
Piece Out!
Crapola
I pinched off a 14 incher this morning. It was a good one, hard and solid. Four inches short of the desired 18, but I suppose it will have to do.
My wife is the champion pooper of the family. Her bowel movements are legendary. She doesn't like to discuss it, though. She's very private about personal stuff like that. When my wife has to shit, she locks herself in the bathroom and sits on the toilet for what seems like forever. She often complains of being constipated. After she's taken a dump, I've learned not to go in the bathroom for at least 15 minutes. It takes that long for the room to recover from the stink.
dammit! no large poops for me today. just normal stupid little poops. curse my overactive sphincter! CURSE YOU!!
i love poop.
Alas, my efforts went nowhere, due to a summer cold or something, the cold medicine I'm taking for it has reduced my efforts to nothing more than what appears to be sany colored nasal spray....regardless of bulk fiber (that must still be sitting up in my colon somewhere...I AM looking forward to that) and cheese and beans, all I got were nasty wet shots of spray. Sorry gang, I couldn't stand (sit?) and deliver this time.
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)
Once again, MegaDump, nice fucking drawing.
Two things, though.
Dave's missing his pit stains in his light green shirt and his hair is much curlier than that.
I think the total length of my craps today was indeed more than 18".
Had a hell of a time trying to get this kids to poop large today, though. They just didn't get it.
I gave up a nice one yesterday. Unmeasureable tho. The other day I took some garlic pills on consecutive days. When the garlic-ness worked it's way out my entire bathroom smelled like major garlic!!! Dude!
Hey, I didn't exactly acheive the 18 incher, more like 2 5 inchers. However, I told my girlfriend about this websight and she thought it was insane, especially when I told her about the summer stoolstice thing. Yet on the morning of July 21 she called me from work at around 10Am to tell me she had just dropped a 19 incher! She was so proud of herself, it was awsome!
I admire those of you who accomplished the 18 incher or more!! applause goes to all of you...hehe im gunna try next year! all i got was little pellet sized turds....hurt too!
Holly shit
It's so funny! Even though my life is a fucked up mess, all I have to do is pay a visit to poopreport.com and I'm laughing so hard I crap my pants! (just kidding)
Anyways, if you've ever read "Anal Pleasure and Health" by Dr. Jack Moran (an excellent read!) he touches briefly upon the subject of the pleasure of taking a pleasant dump. And yes, I know many of you know that it is true! It's just a nice feeling to unleash a massive log into your porcelain throne! The process is pleasurable, and also the relief afterwards is quite pleasant. Especially that morning dump after coffee....nice. Summer Stoolstice rocks! Take a massive shit and make a little brown island in yer toilet bowl :)
Sir P-a-L,
Sometimes it's the little things (or big brown things) that add a little joy to an otherwise fucked-up life. And remember, you can change your life for the better. Let it start with a daily giggle at something absurd. Preferably as you take a nice dump.
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"
MegaDump, your link is excellent, I laughed so hard - I really had to stop myself.I was getting close to having a good story to tell on this site!
haha so this is my new favorite web page!
But I'm not sure how many people on here are like me. I'm a teenage girl who doesn't deny pooping, but embraces it!
Ive never measured a poop but I can remember this one morning when I was about 14 (only like 85 pounds) after holding my poop in for a two day stay at a guys friends house {this was before I loved to poop} I let one go and it had to be atleast 14 inches!!
I don't know if that compares to a ninteen incher for you guys, but me being such a petite girl felt very surprised and excited for myself. =P
Girls Poop Too!, I did some quick calculations based on your size, and figured that the far end of that 14 incher was probably resting just behind your tonsils before coming out. You might want to keep some breath mints handy if you try that again.
This year, I'm taking into consideration my abnormal metabolism, cheese, bacon, pork rinds, bean and rice quesadillas, a very special item on the menu from Carl's Jr. will be my load...followed by several fiber bars, oatmeal, etc, for propulsion. I have high hopes this year.
_______
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)
Bilge, keep a glass of curdled buttermilk handy just in case your bung hole decides not to celebrate at the same time. (or a naked picture of Rosie O.)
My plan is to eat lots of meat the day before, and have chicken fried steak and eggs for breakfast the day of. Something about the gravy on the c.f.s., (probably the grease used to make it) lubes me up for a good turd every time. Usually within a half hour of eating. No runs, just a sudden urge, and a nice, quick, solid, poop every time.
I like all the ideas, but I never know what will work for me. I do know that nuts will make me go sooner and softer than I would otherwise, and since my normal movement now is sort of soft, I'll avoid nuts before the Stoolstice. The other fiber foods are OK, but I eat them every day, so I'm not sure how different the 21st will be. I may try to achieve an unusual color (suggestions solicited). Wish me luck!
I still have crayola green poop from saturdays snowball. It is possible that my motillium will start working on me to have a big mudpie of poop for stoolstice. Will a pile count? i dont produce solid logs.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
Sorry SP, solid only is acceptable. You are going to have to mold that pie into some sort of shape. Try adding a bit of mortar mix.
if you can get that pile with an 18" diameter, SP, we'll call it good!!!
_______
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)
Bilge, I think we are sending her mixed messages here. SP, listen to your big brother.
okay then. i will just have to find my aqua ruler for sunday.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
She can just squat over a slab of plywood, so the water doesn't aid in spreading...I think its fair...or maybe just shit into an ice cube tray, and stitch them together?
_______
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)
Lol LOL. Bilge and PD, you too are like uh uh Jerry and uh uh Is it Dean? No, uhm George! You too say THE funniest things.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
Isn't their a formula where if the height and circumference and the diameter and square feet are plugged the answer would be equivelent to length? Where is that mathmetician who works it out with a pencil when you need him/her? Chief, help me. I need the formula for my poo-pie mound on stoolstice so I can have a chance in the contest.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
What about pooing in a poo hat like in the hospital and measure in weight? If my mound wieghs as much as an 18 inch terd, then it is fair and if it weighs more than the terd, I win! Of course, that's all up to Dave, really.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
If you go by weight, you'll have an unfair advantage as it will have a lot of water. I think it would be fair if you put that pie into the oven at 375 degrees to dry it out a bit. Don't forget to put it on the windowsill to cool off. Chief can give you some tips if you want to smoke it on the barbecue instead.
If you leave the pie on the windowsill to cool, since you live in the south, watch out for George Clooney and his pals.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?
Big brother, how about grout. I have grout leftover from the kartrrina rebuild.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
I just made a preliminary pile. It is 2 inches high and broke the water surface. I'm going to have a problem measuring because the pile will fall over into the throat of the toilet. I might have to poops into a tube sock. Anybody have a tube sock I can borrow on stoolstice? I will return it on monday.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
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