If you have no way of obtaining toilet paper the pair of underwear you have on are most likely going to be a lost cause anyway. Use the underwear to wipe your ass since they are much softer and absorbant than things like newspaper, napkins or phonebooks. Having done that, abandon the underwear somewhere and be on your way. If you refuse to spend the duration with an 'unfinished basement' you could always use your socks and keep your underwear. Weigh your options and select your cheapest non-essential garment.

In many countries, they wipe with their hands... it's gross, but if you are near a sink, it beats not wiping at all. Just check to make sure there's soap first!

that method might curb my annoying nail-biting habit, too!

I have probably wiped my ass with just about everything it seems. Never fells me to be in a situation of either not having a bathroom or some other problem. I have wiped my ass with everything from newpaper,shirts,socks,underwear,leaves (not recommended),plastic bags (messy), and yes this is the most strangest of them all the fur off a Teddy ruxbin animated doll. long story , but it served its purpose at the time. Once i had to dip my ass cheeks in a cold river to let the river wipe me. I got squeky clean then. ok I will shut up now that was my 2 cents worth.

Garth, I think we all would like to hear the Teddy Ruxpin story!!!

you are the wierdest bunch, but man did i laugh my ass off. all i wonder is whatever happened to the teddy ruxpin doll. and i am sorry to say that i have no strange poop stories to share.

True story...I was mountainbiking in Moab, Utah, on the world-famous Slickrock Trail. Everywhere in town they lay this trip on you about the "fragile high desert ecosystem," and how not to damage the precious balance of nature. They implore you not to leave the trail or leave anything behind because it will remain forever, never decaying, in the desert.

Well, needless to say, as I was riding the trail, taking in the beautiful vistas overlooking the pristine Colorado River, I was overcome with an incredible urge to eliminate. As I was miles from the trailhead, it soon became clear that I would never make it back to base. The contractions soon increased in intensity and frequency, and I knew that the baby was gonna have to be delivered right there. I steered by rig off the marked trail, crunching lichen and other precious fauna under my mechanized death machine. When I was sufficiently off the well-traveled path I knew it was time to deliver. I ripped my lycra shorts around my ankles and squatted on next to a cactus. Rrrrrrrippp!! My crap came flying out onto the desert floor. Seconds later, I released another steaming pile to nature.

I soon realized my next dilemma, what to wipe with. Normally I might just pull up my drawers and sort of squeeze my asscheeks until I make it to a bathroom, but there was no way I was gonna cram a bike seat up my slippery ass. I deci

...ded that my only alternative was my sweat-soaked tee-shirt. A soaking wet shirt is not the best for cleaning up a fresh crap, but I had to, so I gingerly cleaned up malodorous slop. I then dropped the shirt onto the precious desert and kicked some dirt over it. A

As mentioned earlier, nothing decays in the desert. So, next time you are riding the slickrock, follow your nose to my little shit monument. It's the one with the soiled tee-shirt flagging it.

Back in the Nam We didn't have tiolet paper to wipe with. You just had to crap with a partner and lik each others asses clean. It tasted kinda good if your partner ate a berito.

Kudos Max, kudos!

Hey Max, I might have been one of your licking partners. Man that was good times. Email me sometime, ok!

"I STILL HATE BIG HARD POOP!"

The wife beater under shirt which should always be worn no matter how hot or how cold works great. It can easily be trashed, it is inexpensive, absorbent and soft on your skin. If you still need more then use your socks. Socks are not needed.

So...its the first time for dinner at my new girlfriend's apartment. I was kinda nervous. We had a great dinner specially 'cause I'm used to cookin macaroni and cheese. About an hour later as we were listening to some tunes, I had to go for a dump. Wouldn't you know it...I laid a streaker in her porcelain. It started right at the top of the toilet and disappeared into the depths. Shit! Now what! I found a little pink hand towel with "Nancy" monogrammed on it so I used it to wipe that streak away. I threw her washcloth out the window. I went home with the excuse of not feeling well. I never did get invited over again.

So that's where my hand towel went!

No problem Streaker...I put Exlax in the mashed potatoes that night just to get you off my back!

Now, this is not so much about a particular type of shit but more about the types of people that shit. The POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE SHIT is all about visualizing Queen Elizabeth II having a royal dump! There she goes, hobbling (which means to walk impeded by some physical limitation or injury) according to the dictionary, down the east wing of Windsor Castle, across gleaming hardwood floors surrounded by statues of Knights, banners, ancient weapons, and Beefeaters every 30 feet (those guys that look like playing cards...I guess they are Royal Guards or something) who by this time are snickering as the annoying sound of the Queen's short, anal retentive steps reverborate throughout the halls as she attempts to gracefully make her way to the Loo! (or water-closet as the Britts like to call it) The 2 Throne Room Guards yell out in unison: "Who goes there, friend or foe?" Liz responds with shaky voice; "It is I, your Royal Majesty the Queen seeking refuge in the privy!" As the bathroom door shuts behind her, the guards can hear an awful lot of rustling as the Queen attempts to push and pull that big white satin dress, petticoat and the wide blue sash out of the way before she royally squats to do her deed. In the process, her Royal Tiara falls off with a loud clanging sound as it hits the Italian marble floor scattering jewels of many colors all over the place. It reminds you of the sound of a bag of marbles being dropped on a concrete play-yard surface in public school. Next, the sound of shattering glass is heard coming from the toilet as Elizabeth's Royal Mace (that big sterling silver sceptre like thing she carries) hits the mirrors, lights and windows, sending a shower of glass crashing down onto the floor, which of course startles the six white horses just outside the bathroom window and the next thing you know the Royal Coach is streaking away down the laneway off to Edinburgh. "Philip! Philip! I need some Royal Paper! Philip! My Prince, where are you?" By this time the Beefeaters are rolling on the floor literally beside themselves as Prince Philip and a couple of Maids (ladies in waiting I presume...I think they are Royal Wipers or something) come double-pace down the hallways once again. The story goes on and on. Let your imagination run wild when you envision various people of means who have to shit just like you and I. Apparently, the Queen read this article and responded: "We are not amused" She also wrote; "I shall have you be-headed!" Good thing I am Canadian, Eh! Bite my Royal jewels, baby!

Has anyone out there ever had a shit that has all kinds of branches and twigs in it? If you have, please post your info on this site as I am wondering what you must eat to have this kind of shit! I feel like a frikkin beaver! It looks like a bag of bad weed and is quite rough coming out but maybe it is good for the semi-colon as it scrapes the sides and collects all sorts of impurities, bacteria, old toilet paper, candies, gerbils and shit-balls.

i feel for you both. that hast to suck. but u were brave and sucked it up.

When out enjoying the outdoors (nature is just one big toilet)and the urge to provide some plant food comes upon me - I often strip naked and jump into the nearest stream or river - not only is the contraction action smooth and silky - the water cleans your ring and carries the offending matter away leaving you refreshed. Try it next time.

I also enjoy the great outdoors. Unfortunately I must have been downstream from Undy Bungrope during my last trip. I still can't get the stains off my canteen holder.

However, it was an almost sexual experience & I sent a load of spooge downstream.

I love camping. As well, I must have been downstream from Confederate Mack a while back because I now have spooge stainds on my sandals!

I am replying to the man who wanted to know how to get your poop to come out with twig looking things on it. I reply say all you need to do is eat hair. thats right hair. If you have a pet consume some of its hair, and your next load will have barnch looking things sticking out of it!

when in the outdoors and the urge hits, look for moss growing--- the texture is perfect. you can also soak it with some water for that last "clean-up" wipe.

As a high school senior in a college town, we used to frequent the large acedemic apartments that were adjacent to the campus. We used to go there to basically get drunk, and hopefully pick up some drunk freshman girls.

My friend "MOOSE", rest in peace, and I both had to take a dump. As we were walking to the apartment complex, because we were smart enough not to drive there in fear of getting ANOTHER DUI. We went behind a Texaco station to take a crap. NOt thinking of toilet paper in mind, we looked at each other squatting on the ground, thinking of what we could use. Since it was fall, the leaves were to brittle and would break, ending up having a handfull shit. So we took off one sock and did a SOCK JOB. Needless to say we were drinking in 15 minutes with one sock each. AAHHHHH those were the days!

One time me and my partner were having butt sex. It went on for about an hour. He was on the recieving end. Well I had to take a sheisse. So i did and when I got out of the bathroom there was this white stuff all over the wall. I asked him what it was. He said he had a massive fart.

I have a fear of dirty toilet paper...I use alternatives to toilet paper because of such fear. Am I the only person that has a phobia of teared or dirty toilet paper?

I want to start a little poll here for all the men. How many of you guys shake after you take a piss? I do, but unfortunately I didn't find out until years later that shaking was that necessary. But now I do it every time I take a piss.

I never have gastrointestinal problems.

Imagine being a roll of toilet paper handled by a restroom attendant being delivered to a guy who is in the process of taking a shit. The toilet paper knowing what is ahead for it. As the stall door opens the toilet paper gets a whiff of the guys shit. Being handled and abused by the guy before he even puts it on the roller. Then being yanked off and held in the guys hand. Then eventally being forced to lick the guys dirty crack clean, gagging on the taste but knowing it has to do the best job it can for the guy. Then other wads are forced into doing the same stuff. Each wad is thrown into the smelly dump that is in the toilet. Maybe the guy went out drinking the night before and his shit is real soft and stink bad. It is thrown right in the middle of it. No shame for the guy who uses it. Finally, it is flushed and never to be seen again. Does anyone have any feelings at all for the used toilet paper?

You have some funny stories, I could barely breathe after reading some of them. and the comics were good too. Poop.com is a funny site keep up the good work.

I was once in the local community house, and was busting for a crap, but when I went to the toilet there was no toilet paper. I quickly nipped into the other room and grabbed a few copies of the Cefn Golau Shout newsletter and some council leaflets (which are covered in crap of the printed variety) and used these to wipe between my cheeks. Some had pictures of key council members, and I made sure that the picture areas got wiped in shit as to make skid marks on their faces.

I once snuck into the ladies room to wipe my ass after I discovered no TP in the men's

Hey, is there something wrong with me? When I shit it never leaves a trace. I always use one piece of toilet paper to make sure but, no matter how deep my 'investigation' goes, I never find a hint of risidual shit in or around around my hole. I can't ever remember it being any different.

one time I took a shit at a friends house only to discover the afformentioned cardboard tube, so I scraped off my ass crack with it and threw it in the trash can. To my horror, the stupid dog fetched it! Thankfully, nobody noticed.

STOP FORCING ME TO WIPE YOUR ASS! USE THE SHOWE CURTAIN!

Don't bring them to me! Use the damn bath mat!

Help! I'm covered with shit!!!!!

I was sledding with my sister a few years ago, and had an incredable urge to go with the RUNS, and I found a spot near the top of the sledding hill, and dumped a mess right there. Got some napkins from my sister's car, and had to cleanup when I got home. I bet others may have seen that mess I left.

Amerinds (Native Americans) used to use sphagnum moss as TP and for baby diapers. Sphagnum moss, which grows in bogs, absorbs up to 6 times its mass in liquids, is mildly antiseptic, and is reusable.

If you're ever in a bog or damp woods and gotta lay a log or take a leak, remember to look for the moss. You can also buy bags of it at garden supply centers.

Whatever you do, though, if you grab a handful of leaves... learn to recognize poison ivy/oak.

My dad has a camp story about someone who accidentally wiped with stinging nettle. I, myself, have wiped with willow leaves in the great outdoors and ended up with a leaf dingleberry. Also be sure the leaves are strong enough to handle a butt wiping. If they rip they are liable to stick in your asscrack.

fart fart the winds are calling must have been the been i ate this morning
went to the toilet did shit on the floor whoops no toilet paper used ma finger as a scraper that wat i get for eating cheap baked beans

Yay! Fart poetry!

Euell Gibbons from beyond the grave here. Yeah as I was chewing pine cones and tree bark in my pre-Grape Nuts schill days, I had twigs, leaves, bark and other fauna in my feces.

wife beaters are the best alternative to toilet paper. as for socks do not use the insides and cotton is prefferable.

be careful
one time I thought I found some babywipes at my girlfriends house, instead they were facial cleansers with alcohol and stuff in them. Whenever i think of that girlfriend I can feel the burning sensation

Sorta like that nasty smell you get in your nose when you scald yourself, eh?

While traveling in Asia, I kept a small packet of Kleenex with me in my coat pocket and used them, since most public restrooms don't have TP... and then you don't flush the used "TP", they have a bin to throw it away in next to the toliet...which is a hole in the floor! (With me being a girl, squatting to both pee and poo was interesting....)

this is all very cool, send me more info!

I would say going to take a dump and after getting done and seeing no t-paper is scary but what about when you see wet t-paper...when you know some ass hole pissed all over the paper...it sucks right?

Hey, dudes, just grab the top of the roll and unfold it like a biscut can, then use that, I have done this many times and I know it works, but let me give you a tip NEVER and I mean NEVER use a newspaper, the ink turns your ass black...

here's the deal:
if you only have paper such as phonebook.. crumple it up and rub it against itself really fast until it softens up... it makes it more absorbent and softer
also, you may use clothing, however disposal is a little complex
leaves and other natural things, will require your biological expertise. don't use plants that are poisonous, have needles, thorns, etc. if in cornfield, use corn leaves. i have also found that maple leaves are great.
another thing.. the toilet paper roll.. it can be spun around a little for the less messy stool.
handkerchiefs are great..
and ofcourse, if you really have nothing you really want to use such as clothing etc. you can always wipe your arse with good ol' ben franklin! there's nothing better than the feeling of money on your a$$hole

Being a Liverpool football supporter, theres nothing better than to wipe your ass in than a Manchester United football shirt. But what I like to do best is to take a dump in the centre of the shirt, fold it over, stand on it, and when you open it back out, the mess is spread all over the front. I proudly hang it on a fence for the Manchester United fan to see.

If Brown Streak trash his undies anyways, he should have just wiped with them!! of course, if he hadn't have pulled them up, they wouldn't BE trashed, but there was not tp, so i guess either way, they got trashed. i would have wiped with the undies... i like flushing things! unless the place had normal crapper instead of power. but, i still might have flushed the undies... classic panty flushing...

I laughed and gigglefarted over this story. I'm with the first poster after the story. Chose the cheapest article of clothing and use it to wipe. In desperation while camping, I have used the "mountain money" plant to wipe away the residoo.

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"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

About the furthest thing from TP that I have used to wipe with ispaper towels or tissues.

I always have some with me. If I think that I might have to poop outdoors, I keep some TP handy, Oak and Maple leaves just don't work.
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Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

i was about nine when i first went hunting with my big brother. pretty soon...i had to fertalize the trees. it was fall, so i ended up scraping it out with a sappling by leaning the tree to my arse and removing fecile matter in a circular motion. i then flung it a good 6 yards when the tree snapped back up.

I don't have any of the problems with smelling like shit from my ass sweating during the day, but when I go to dump out, I could almost use an entire roll of toilet paper before I'm finally clean enough to pull my pants up. Why the fuck is this? I can even wipe very hard and furiously, and immediately follow with a Wet Ones wipe. Even still, I'll get a trace of shit on the toilet paper. I don't understand. Anyone else have this problem?

in middle school i told my best friend that i used my hand to wipe, to decrease my impact on the environment, and she believed me. i chased her around with my hand for like 10 min. before telling her i was kidding.

Was just wondering why men's bathrooms have open stalls without doors? I mean come on nothing like being a cat in a litter box for everyone to see you take a shit. It's one thing for the person in the next stall to hear my poop but to see me. Glad I am a girl.

Live and learn. I always keep toilet paper or paper towels in my car. Leaves are just not meant to wipe your ass with. ewwwwww

This is why I always carry baby wipes and kleenex with me. I guess my ass is spoiled because I'm not wipin with no damn leaf.

one time while on vacation in north caronlina, i had to shit really bad while i was on the beach. i didn't want to do it in the atlantic, so i ran back to my house, went in the front door, which fortunately is also the door to the bathroom, and i sat down to unload. after i was finished, i realized that there was no toilet paper left. so, i ripped up the empty roll and wiped with the cardboard...i do not recommend doing this haha

Teddy?

Haha, some of these had me laughing pretty hard. Im lucky enough to live in one of those places where mullein grows everywhere. That stuff almost feels better than real toilet paper.

well i was camping at a favorite spot, about 3 days into it and needless to say, was out of shit paper, but was not out of the urge to unload. all my friends were around the fire drinking and i was on the hunt for the perfict place to do the deed. ahhh there it is a quant one room flat between a tree and a rock wich also had a felled branch laying between them. i found my self hanging my ass over a prickley, uncomfortabe branch, releasing the demon from with in. after several minutes of straining i started to scour the ground for somthing, iny thing to wipe with. after a short while i spoted some tall weeds grabed a hand full and begain to wipe, but there was a problem my fingers slipped right through the weeds and they really were not doing the job. so almost panicky i grabbed a rock and finshed the ordeal. the rock actully did a verry good job. somthing for u to think about...

Good story. Just yesterday, I went to work having to poop. No biggy, right. Wrong. No TP!? I had to wip with rough paper towel. The toilet is next to the lavatory so I wet it to get thoroughly clean. But by 9 am when the clerical crew come in to work my butt was raw. ( I rarely take just one poo.) I called the office manager, "my butt is raw, I said." She laughedand said,"now , how is that my problem?" I said, " I have no toilet paper."
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Once upon a daytime dreary, as I skipped school, weak and weary...

I had a horrible stomach virus, and my mother took me out to a fast food place (yeah, seriously). I felt better after having vomited my insides all over one of my classmate's jacket earlier, but my intestines were still unhappy. Half conscious, I bloatedly limped my way to the restroom, not really aware of the stall I was stumbling into.
My insides sore, I ripped out a few logs and noxious gases trumpeted with revenge. I knew I was alone. The awkward silence begged me to fart some more.
Once I found my inner peace, I glanced to my right, where the toilet paper should have been. But there was no delicate tushy wiper, not even an empty roll which I would have utilized, had it not been missing in action. So I groaned, quite daunted by what this meant. Paranoid that someone would walk in on me if I were to migrate, butt-naked, to the other stall, I shifted my eyes between the two mustard-colored, flaking walls and dug deep into my pockets in despair.
Much to my surpise, I latched on to something of use! I heard the crinkle of the plastic wrap and knew well that I had a pad in my pocket. I thought that if I could pee a liter into a pad, simply wiping my butt would be no problem. And that's just what I did.
Being the weird person that I am (and finding the garbage overfilled), I rolled the pad back into its wrapper and stuck it in my pocket. Then I washed my hands.

But in the end, I just happened to notice that I was in the wrong restroom...

Mmm... Yeah.

Mail, your post was almost a story. I like your style. Funny too.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

If I had to wipe with my cat, she would let me. For real, I think she would.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I remember a time I had to "migrate" to another stall. I had to poop rather fiercely, so I went into the mall restroom, a 2-staller, and took the unoccupied stall. I pooped at some length, concentrating on the deed at hand, not noticing the lack of paper until I was done, by which time the person in the neighboring stall (who could have handed me some paper) had left. Not desiring to foul my underpants with what was still wetly adhering to my anus, I decided that I would risk someone's coming in while I was moving from my stall to the other one. I flushed my poop, quickly opened the stall door, and shuffled bare-bottomed to the other stall. There was t.p., so I wiped, flushed, and left. No one came in.

I have been stuck out chasing cattle for up to 2 days before and run out of tp because i didn't put enough in my saddle bags so i have used a lot of inventive things from leaves to socks

I am a, more or less, stupid old man, yet I honestly cannot recall one incident in my entire life that I did not check for TP before releasing a grogan.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

The one time I forgot to check was at my office. I used to come in at night to work, and had the entire office building with multiple bathrooms to myself. Had I wanted to (and had the spinchter control) I could have gone to each bathroom like a human gnocchi machine and no one would have been the wiser. That particular night, I was blind sided by a turd that had to get out immediately. I went into the mens room and was in the middle of evacuating when I noticed there was no tp. I decided it would be a more direct route to go foward to the sink to grab paper towels than to risk the extra mileage to the handicrapper. True to Murphys Law, as soon as I began my penguin waddle to the sink, the damn light timer shut off the lights. Pitch blackness. I now had to complete my mission like a blind man. Just waddle backwards (with my handfull of towels) and wipe. (hell the wiping part I could do with my eyes closed). Too easy. That Irishman had one more of his fucking laws to deal me. The door to the stall had swung shut.
I felt a cold caress and heard what can only be described as a sticky, wet kiss. I'm sure it was not a pretty sight, but I just finished up and left the surprise for the morning crew.