Taming Tremendous Turds: How I Successfully Flush My Super-Size Feces

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m 1+ points - Newb
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This is the story of my life-long struggle to successfully flush either overly long or
extra large diameter feces.

I'm average size and eat normal sized portions; it's just that my intestines produce
over-size ordure. While I enjoy daily regularity, I'm constantly concerned with
clogging -- that is, will my waste resist repeated flushing today?

You, the reader
with average size poops, should be grateful if you are spared this problem, which
doesn't even have a celebrity spokesperson. This "birth defect" is ignored even in
gastroenterology texts, so there's no medical advice available.

With the goal of preventing any water and waste from washing onto the floor, I consider
each disappearing load a victory -- and each successful time, I end up flushed with joy
and satisfaction. My highest priority is to prevent a situation necessitating use of the plunger, and the unpleasant unplugging stages
beyond -- anything from the plumber's snake to the jackhammer and excavator.

The first step towards keeping my crap in check is my special dietary habits: if I eat a large
dinner, I have several glasses of wine to enable the laxative action of fruit to
eventually produce smaller skat. And I assiduously avoid eating anything "binding," such
as bananas or cheese.

If I'm "late" with a movement, I generate the urge to purge via
exercises -- alternatively compressing and then pushing on the stomach muscles in
ten-second cycles, while maintaining normal breathing, to help move mass through the
intestines. (This unobtrusive workout also exercises the abdominal muscles to firm the
body.)

As one might expect, I bent my home toilet tank float upward to increase the water in
the tank, so as to enhance both water flow and pressure. I also have both a smooth toilet
drain and my piping is larger diameter. If I had rough piping, I would have had it
smoothed and reglazed to make it as frictionless as possible.

Here are additional details of massive manure management. I flush just as soon as the
first feces fall -- the flowing water helps align the ordure with the drain to cause
the dung to descend down the pipes. In addition, a timely surge of water will prevent
kinking to diminish damming by doubled-back dung. I always hold down the handle until
the flushing ceases -- this is because my valve allows extra water to flow into the
bowl. Every added drop is important to help make the difference between a successful
flush or having to get out the plunger.

I always reflush to ensure washing waste into the main piping. At home or away, I
always have a disposable stick to re-align any stuck skat, or, if necessary, to smash
it into smaller, easily disposable fragments. Here, there is no Freudian pride in
production, but instead embarrassment, chagrin and shame. Naturally, in addition to
having an industrial size plunger at home, I carry a small, plastic-bagged one in the
car for emergencies -- similar to carrying a spare tire.

At work, I always use different toilets, preferably in different buildings. I do not
want to become "known" to the janitors, who might betray me to my bosses, who, in turn,
might bar me from company toilets or demand that I use a litter box.

On vacation, my enemy is the low volume toilet. If my room has one, I use the hotel
restaurant or a gasoline station toilet; preferably one with two adjacent stalls, as an
emergency alternative to ensure either a safe finish or a fast, anonymous disappearance
into the ever-changing crowd. My friend is the toilet with added suction action. I
also add shampoo to the hotel toilet to lubricate the waste washing through the pipes.
It's only a small step, but, hey, we all know there's only a small difference between a
successful flush and a flood.

It could be worse. With time, I've learned to adjust to this condition to avoid
plugging, flooding and apologizing. I'm glad that I'm not obese, because then I'd
probably generate even larger turds. In this case, I would need to either (1) own
large wooded properties, where I could disappear from sight to "do my business", (2)
use flushless, pipeless, open pit, construction site-type portable toilets, or (3)
train my anal sphincter to repeatedly cut and clip the extruding turd to achieve
average lengths. I'm glad I only have my chronic -- but controllable -- problems!

Author's Note: Please note that the author is writing under an assumed name to avoid family
embarrassment, unwanted follow-up weird "fan-mail", pesky documentary film-makers and
bills from angry hoteliers. Gratefully acknowledged are the efforts of the engineers
and 'test pilots" who produced today's effective toilets.

-- "Skat"

340 Comments on "Taming Tremendous Turds: How I Successfully Flush My Super-Size Feces"

Brown Seymour's picture

What kind of diameter are we talking here?

Che's picture

your TURDS are plugging the toilet? not the toilet paper, but your actual TURDS?

wow. i'm with seymour: give us a number. preferably circumference.

Thunder From Down Under's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

How can one's "anus" be a hole large enough to have crap that thick?

Jen's picture

Thunder... maybe you DON'T want to know the answer to that question.

Trashcanman's picture
l 100+ points

What is the flush rate on your toilet? I have a med-flow toilet, it's like 4.5 gallons per flush. I rrely see problems on high flow toilets, that is, 8 gallons. Have you checked out Terry Love plumbing. Dave and me are obsessed with him. He carries all sorts of toilets, even specialty ones. It's under "links" on this site, so check it out.

Thunder From Down Under's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My question was rhetorical; trust me, I know (but haven't experienced) about activities that would cause "enlargening"!

"Skat"'s picture
m 1+ points - Newb

To Che,

It's poop plugging, not paper.

To Thunder...,

Over the years, one's anus can adapt to stretch. This is similar to another type of body orifice- ask any woman whose had several children about how subsequent deliveries usually become easier.

Tyrdirium's picture

I can't imagine what life would be like with feces like yours. Did you REALLY have to change the pipes in your house? Have you been to a doctor about this?

waynerod's picture

I share the same problem as 'skat' has. It is very embarrassing and something that one must be conscious of, especially the urge to purge hits while visiting friends. You are not alone, sir.

-'s picture

Look, you have a couple problems with your situtation. One thing you can do is try altering your diet. Try eating a variety, then settle on the thing that works best. If you don't believe in artificial laxatives, try a more natural approach. Eating 8 prunes a day can make your B.M.s a lot smoother and a lot softer. If neither of these things work, try a different toilet. If your state restricts water usage on toilets, try a toilet by TOTO; they make excellent and high quality toilets.

harold smith's picture

i love 2 feast on my own turds somtimes i draw pictchers of them one time i named one stew.he reminded me of jerry luis. i cryed all night when my mom flushed him. it made him break into thousands of small brown pieces of my poop. it made me very sad. i miss stew alot sometimes i think of his choclatety goodness and the 2 peanuts that made his cheery eyes i love that poop very very very much i wish i could eat him. YUMMY

Michael Tomac's picture

Harold Smith's comment is of some concern. As a medical person with a background in psychosis, I am alarmed by his post. His behavior is similar to that of a 3-month-old puppy dog. If his therapist is monitoring this page (and they SHOULD be), please take my comments under advisement.

mt

biggie smalls's picture

Have you ever thought of using a knife? When my uncle was eight years old he had a problem with crapping large diameter turds. After holding it back for 2 weeks, he finally let it out. The turd was so big that it had to be cut up with a knife to go down the drain. 5 lbs and 8 inches long! This was the famous family incident that started the use of the "caca knife".

Bung's picture

Is this really happening?

Shit Odor's picture

I like to watch my giant oscar fish release enormous terds, he seems to enjoy it as well... He floats around in a poop paradise called the "poop tank"... to circulate the water we use a device called a "poop circulator" and we also use a "poop bubbler" to provide adequate oxygen to the poop tank for the poop fish. We also use what I like to call the "poop filter" to filter out the giant logs that "fathead" (the poop fish) likes to release on a daily basis. It makes the whole front of the house smell like poontang all the time... so I have to clean the fecal matter off the sides of the tank regularly... poop is such a wonderful thing, i wish everyone could enjoy the pleasures of a sess pool (poop tank)...

-Dr. Poop

Poop Enterprises

big girl pooper's picture

I'm a 5'5" 117 lb. female & I regularly clog the pipes. It's SO annoying. I guess my poos aren't as big as skat's though since I haven't had to resort to stuff like changing out pipes.

Somewhere on this site guys were comparing their poos using twinkie units (TU's). I was amazed that they were mostly 1 - 1.5 twinkie units each, cuz my regular ones are usually about 2 TUs and probably close to 2 inches in diameter. Where does it all come from?

A few weeks ago, I dreamed I had a poo that was 7 inches in diameter & I was sad b/c there wasn't anyone around I could show it to.

JoePooper's picture

I have the same problem as you: my poop clogs toliets. But did you know that in many ancient cultures, large turds were a sign of manliness? Something to think about.

the-black-phantom-crapper's picture

have had big poops for years. sometimes they won't even squeeze into the bottom of the bowl. i think i use the plunger as much as the toilet paper. big honkin' poops they are, would be in a world of hurt(or at least poop) without that plunger.

Potty Pooper's picture

when i go poopoo in a public bathroom i usually try to time my "cough" with the plop of the poop so no one know's i'm going poop. Or i'll try to drop it long so there's no plop at all. Sometimes i even wait until someone else flushes the toilet to let it drop.

Poop's picture

My turds usually span a foot and a half. I keep a Ginsu knife or a putty knife in a holster strapped to the tank of the crapper. This is the only way to get the huge bastards to succumb to the eternal swirl.

ye110wturd's picture

One word... Dynamite

bigintestines's picture

I'm the same way but i'ma girl so I guess that makes it worse. It is so embarassing.I usually just break my shit up with a disposable coathanger though. You are not alone Skat.

bigintestines's picture

It is also really sad because i'm really small about 5ft tall and 100 lbs......I don't know how the hell something as big as my shits can come out of me.

The Bunger Sisters's picture

I also "suffer" from oversized craps, and usually have to end up stabbing them into pipe-sized tidbits for drainage pipe consumption with my plunger, of course, leaving my rubber-cupped bathroom implement smeared with pungent, peanut-butter-like residue.

My dream come true has come in the form of that low-volume toilet with some sort of bionic suction (kind of like on an airplane toilet) that sucks the cistern's contents in one madly powerful rush. Like something out of the Matrix.

slim jim junkie's picture

I remember having shits that plugged the crapper. They didn't happen all the time but when they did I attacked it w/ a plunger and made a lot of strange noise

JOSH's picture

i always have extra long poop because i dont go on a daily basis. the other day i had a twoo foot turd. i also had a i and a half footer that was bright green.could somebody please email me with pooping suggestions.

LittleLoggerGirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My poop always clogs the toilet. Too big around to fit through that little hole...its like a long football..lol

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Even if the diameter does not exceed the size of the drain, the log can bend into a "U" shape. That happened to me a few times. It really irritated me, because I needed a plunger at my friends house.

stinky's picture

A few years ago I moved into a house with modern low flow toilets. I've always experienced digestive irregularities, but these new toilets have exacerbated the problem with my occassional, large, constipated stools. Luckily I live alone and don't have to explain the out-of-commission toilet to a full-bladdered room mate. I never had a poo-clogged toilet problem before, so I blame it on modern wimpy toilets.

Pop of Potato Pooper's picture

My 17-year-old son has had the same problem for years. The turds resemble sweet potatoes, but taste completely different. When he was 13, his titanic turds broke my parents' toilet (while plunging in vain, the ceramic bowl burst; I was too embarrassed to tell my father, and of course he never in his wildest imagination guessed what the cause was). My son has rejected my advice to (1) submit a picture of his turds to the Guinness Book of World Records, (2) do a science fair project to invent a device (using, for example, ultrasound) for pulverizing turds in a toilet bowl and (3) join the CIA to sabotage the toilets of terorist cells.

TS's picture

I have the same problem. I just recently moved away to college and trying to take a giant crap is difficult. I guess its even worse for me because im a girl whos 5'3 and 90lbs. Its actually kind of a family joke because I had them look at my shit once and they couldnt believe that it came from me.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points

Don't sweat it folks! Do like me and keep a wire coathanger under the bathroom sink! If your at someone else's house, bring popsicle sticks with you ahead of time. Just tape em together if the toilet has deep water.

daytripper's picture

In 5th grade, we had this one kid who was much bigger than the rest of us. One day, he let loose the most amazing turd any of us had ever seen. We gathered around the bowl and studied it for a good while. No way was it going to flush, it was approximately the same diameter as those breakfast sausage packages. Awesome stuff, and he did not appear to suffer any shame for it.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Giant shitters unite!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

me's picture

all I have to say is that you guys are sick.....I understand that you have a problem and all but why do you have to talk about it........ and how do you come up with cutting it up with a knife?and make a name for it? COME ON PEOPLE....GET OUT A LITTLE MORE!!!!!!!!

Bob's picture

When I was 14 or 15 I used to shit huge - I would go days and sometimes (but rarely) weeks without shitting. I also used to eat alot. My school had the Gerber Elongated Low flow the one with the 1.75" trap. Every time I used it, it would clog. Every time. The janitors would try to open it up and it would still stay clogged sometimes for days. I don't know what happened though. I suddenly started eating much less and going everyday. I can't seem to hold it any longer than 2 days anymore. Does anyone have tips for shitting large? Oh well. I actually enjoyed clogging their toilets that way because:
1. It proves to the janitorial staff the 1.6s suck
2. Since it's my shit, I'm not "Vandalizing"; therefore I can't get in trouble.

Here is a link to the spec sheet for the shitters they had:
http://gerberonline.com/specifications/pdf/21-714.pdf

mywifeisnotalone's picture

Oh boy, when I read that comment about using dynamite I laughed so hard that I farted!
My wife produces monster logs also, and I too have suggested taking photos for submission to the Guiness Book of Records. She is not particularly large herself, but ever since having our 2nd child she has blocked the toilet on EVERY occasion. She doesn't even get constipated - she seems able to produce world record dumps every 48 hours! She blames the toilet "the opening is too small". Yeah right, I tell her, you don't need a toilet, you need your own storm drain. Glad to see that she is not the only woman that regularly drops monster turds. I've been known to block on occasion, with the unfortunate 'badly parked submarine' that just lands at the wrong angle. My wife's logs however are more like the sinking of the Titanic, although the boat went down easier...

turd investigator's picture

Wow have u caontatced the world record books to see if u may have a prize turd.

Sarah's picture
l 100+ points

it hurts really bad when you have diariha and plus squirts and your but hole is sore from poopin. What I do is while im pooping is think about other things and then let it ease out. Plus while your poopin like that take some waseline and rub it in your but hole and it helps your buttock hole.

Fastest in fourcounties's picture

I am the fastest pooper in four counties wiped and clean in 10 seconds unfortunately i havnt had solid feces in about three years

Wade Collins's picture

Your turd heaven huh. Sickening a veritable turd bath of giganto turd action, and from a woman. Ugh
:))!1stink booooom Paint is peeling.

Wally Wallbanger's picture

It's reassuring to know I am not the only human titantic turd machine on earth. Your story is familiar, fascinating, funny, and warms my part (that produces watermelon-size masterpieces daily). The tips are helpful as well. We should start a giant turd syndrome support group.

hatetoplunge or mark's picture

put a liquid soap dispenser in your bathroom(s) and put a squit in there before dropping the kids at the pools and it will act as a torpedo lubricant.

Hermione's picture

I am a 48 year old divorcee, large tall build, but not fat. I often produce turds that are 2 inches to 2.5 inches in diameter, all hard, dry, and knobbly, after a week or more of constipation.
They often block the loo.
I have to confess I am rather proud of them and leave them for others to see.

BombsAway's picture

Nice to hear everyone enjoys a good butt-stretching every now and then. Seriously, though, let's hear about your recollections of the history of this phenomena. Have you had this problem consistently throughout your life or can you put a finger on time when it was not such a problem? What other factors seem to be associated with it?

For myself, I seem to remember the problem suddenly escalating around my late teens. Moreover, over the decades I noticed a slight seasonal aspect to it, with an increase of major events occurring during the winter months. I have a BMI of 24, so I am not overweight.

Insoluble fiber seems to worsen the problem, soluble fiber improves things somewhat, but there is obviously much more to it than fiber in the diet since on the whole I get more than most and still clog most toilets. Likewise, exercise can help, particularly on a warm day, but doesn't really correlate greatly, as I have had major events during weeks when I had tons of exercise...it lessens the likelyhood but does not prevent it.

At its worst, the stool is bomb-shaped, with the "front-end" being hard and knobby and much larger than the "tail-end" which tends to usually be softer and normal-sized. How big is the business end? At worst almost 3 in in diameter on a stool 1.5-2 ft. long. No way the average toilet can handle that.

I speculate there must be characteristic metabolic issues, and probably mechanical issues relating to quantity food and rate at which food is eaten. One odd observation: slight food poisoning improves elimination (as it hurries the evacuation process generally). Since refrigeration is a recent phenomena, it may be that large stool formation may be an unintended consequence in some people of being too sanitary. Romans, I read, liked slightly rancid meat...I wonder why?

poo person's picture

how do you make your poo reely big. can you do it by eating certan foods. or is there a procedure you have to follow

Not Saying!!'s picture

This one is almost too embarassing to tell... I usually have mid-size to large turds, and hardly ever have clog problems anymore because I have a select few toilets that I know can handle the tough days.

Anyhow, it seems that most of the problems here seem to be clogging the toilets-- I'm adding my story for a little comic relief, but there's no way I'm putting my name on here because it is the most embarassing story that's ever happened to me.

It was a spring evening, and I was about to head out with my boyfriend to meet some friends at the lake. I could feel that I was "incubating", so I told him I'd go to the bathroom while he filled the car up with gas. While he was gone, I discovered that this was no average turd, no slightly large turd, it was the mother of all turds. Here's where the situation gets sticky-- I was in a lot of pain, but just wanted to get it over with so that I'd be ready to leave when he got back. So I'm straining and pushing and trying not to cry, when it gets stuck. I'm not joking. STUCK. Not in the toilet, but stuck half-in, half-out of my butt, which is stretched to the limit. I could barely move from pain, and it wasn't budging. Not an inch out, and it wasn't going to be "sucked" back in, either. Eventually my boyfriend got back and heard me screaming in pain in the bathroom, so I told him what was going on. After about 15 minutes of this PAINFUL PROBLEM, I let him come in the bathroom, armed with a popsicle stick. (This gets gross, I'm sorry!!) HE HAD TO SCRAPE THE PROTRUDING HALF OFF and drop it in the toilet. Once that was gone, the other half went into hiding again. We flushed, and went to meet our friends. It was the most embarassing moment of my life.

I hate painful shits's picture

I just took the most painful shit in my entire life.I thought I was giving birth, not that I would know, considering I'm a male teen. It was HUGE!!! I'm talking probably 3.2 in diameter. It was FUCKING painful. I hope to god this never happens again, my asshole is killing me.

Ben's picture

I sympathize with big shitters. I was never properly toilet trained as a child. No one told me to sit on the loo after breakfast. Up till I was 14, I was always constipated with no more than a movement a week. GOd, did it hurt each time. Huge and hard and required massive straining. THe worse is the non-moving shit after the initial appearance. However much I push, it remain stationary. Squeezing didn't help either as my butthole muscles weren't strong enough to cut that hard monster.

Glad to say I am no longer constipated. High fiber diet and exxercise helped. Also, I learned to sit on the loo each day after breakfast. I now have a good morning and afternoon dump. Voluminous but not big. Have to admit I DO miss the occasional huge adn ass-streching shit.

anonymous's picture

i am a 16 year old female that shits large turds. i dont know why it happends. it must be a family thing or something b/c its the same w/ my brother. i dont poop every day. but when i do i am always afraid that i will plug the toilet. just about an hour ago i plugged up the toilet w/ my poop. but the problem is that it got stuck at the drain. so i flushed just plain water and it went down slowly. i think i broke my toilet am not sure. help. is there anyway to avoid this embarassing problem. should i go on a certain diet or exercise?

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