Taming Tremendous Turds: How I Successfully Flush My Super-Size Feces
This is the story of my life-long struggle to successfully flush either overly long or
extra large diameter feces.
I'm average size and eat normal sized portions; it's just that my intestines produce
over-size ordure. While I enjoy daily regularity, I'm constantly concerned with
clogging -- that is, will my waste resist repeated flushing today?
You, the reader
with average size poops, should be grateful if you are spared this problem, which
doesn't even have a celebrity spokesperson. This "birth defect" is ignored even in
gastroenterology texts, so there's no medical advice available.
With the goal of preventing any water and waste from washing onto the floor, I consider
each disappearing load a victory -- and each successful time, I end up flushed with joy
and satisfaction. My highest priority is to prevent a situation necessitating use of the plunger, and the unpleasant unplugging stages
beyond -- anything from the plumber's snake to the jackhammer and excavator.
The first step towards keeping my crap in check is my special dietary habits: if I eat a large
dinner, I have several glasses of wine to enable the laxative action of fruit to
eventually produce smaller skat. And I assiduously avoid eating anything "binding," such
as bananas or cheese.
If I'm "late" with a movement, I generate the urge to purge via
exercises -- alternatively compressing and then pushing on the stomach muscles in
ten-second cycles, while maintaining normal breathing, to help move mass through the
intestines. (This unobtrusive workout also exercises the abdominal muscles to firm the
As one might expect, I bent my home toilet tank float upward to increase the water in
the tank, so as to enhance both water flow and pressure. I also have both a smooth toilet
drain and my piping is larger diameter. If I had rough piping, I would have had it
smoothed and reglazed to make it as frictionless as possible.
Here are additional details of massive manure management. I flush just as soon as the
first feces fall -- the flowing water helps align the ordure with the drain to cause
the dung to descend down the pipes. In addition, a timely surge of water will prevent
kinking to diminish damming by doubled-back dung. I always hold down the handle until
the flushing ceases -- this is because my valve allows extra water to flow into the
bowl. Every added drop is important to help make the difference between a successful
flush or having to get out the plunger.
I always reflush to ensure washing waste into the main piping. At home or away, I
always have a disposable stick to re-align any stuck skat, or, if necessary, to smash
it into smaller, easily disposable fragments. Here, there is no Freudian pride in
production, but instead embarrassment, chagrin and shame. Naturally, in addition to
having an industrial size plunger at home, I carry a small, plastic-bagged one in the
car for emergencies -- similar to carrying a spare tire.
At work, I always use different toilets, preferably in different buildings. I do not
want to become "known" to the janitors, who might betray me to my bosses, who, in turn,
might bar me from company toilets or demand that I use a litter box.
On vacation, my enemy is the low volume toilet. If my room has one, I use the hotel
restaurant or a gasoline station toilet; preferably one with two adjacent stalls, as an
emergency alternative to ensure either a safe finish or a fast, anonymous disappearance
into the ever-changing crowd. My friend is the toilet with added suction action. I
also add shampoo to the hotel toilet to lubricate the waste washing through the pipes.
It's only a small step, but, hey, we all know there's only a small difference between a
successful flush and a flood.
It could be worse. With time, I've learned to adjust to this condition to avoid
plugging, flooding and apologizing. I'm glad that I'm not obese, because then I'd
probably generate even larger turds. In this case, I would need to either (1) own
large wooded properties, where I could disappear from sight to "do my business", (2)
use flushless, pipeless, open pit, construction site-type portable toilets, or (3)
train my anal sphincter to repeatedly cut and clip the extruding turd to achieve
average lengths. I'm glad I only have my chronic -- but controllable -- problems!
Author's Note: Please note that the author is writing under an assumed name to avoid family
embarrassment, unwanted follow-up weird "fan-mail", pesky documentary film-makers and
bills from angry hoteliers. Gratefully acknowledged are the efforts of the engineers
and 'test pilots" who produced today's effective toilets.